developing confidence

[randalll]

i cannot develop it. i've tried everything thats been recommended to me. read books, stopped talking negatively to myself, practiced material when i'm out and about.
i've been trying to improve for 18 months now.. but can't see any progress.

i still cant string a sentence together or tell a story.. people lose interest
my words are always forced.. i THINK about everything i say, as im saying it.
i want words to be spontaneous.. easy and free

this is the one thing thats holding me back from being content

where do i go from here? i want to see results. im tired of mis-representing myself..


if you know a bit about psychology id appreciate your two cents
thanks

 

[randalll]

edit: should describe my personality a bit

im the kind of guy thats looked down on, because of my under-developed social skills/lack of confidence.. whatever it may be, i'm not sure

people patronise me for this
they say im a genuine, decent guy, but im the kind of person that no one would miss if i wasn't about
its the most frustrating feeling, when you can't be the person that you are

i know im equal to everyone else and deserve the same treatment. i respect myself, and have respect for others. i've got hobbies in life.

and im as socially awkward around a HB 10 as i am around my friends, i act no different around people because of their looks or social status. i always go into a room with a positive mindset, but often come out feeling like crap... disappointed with myself once again

 

[Nygard]

im the kind of guy thats looked down on, because of my under-developed social skills/lack of confidence.. whatever it may be, i'm not sure

If you have such a bad opinion about yourself, how can you expect others not to think the same?

Come on, why don't you tell us something nice about you?

 

[randalll]

If you have such a bad opinion about yourself, how can you expect others not to think the same?

Come on, why don't you tell us something nice about you?

that's the thing i don't have a bad opinion of myself, i know what my weaknesses are, but i cant accept these weaknesses as part of myself.
because they're not a part of my personality, they're negative behaviours that i've learnt over the years.
and i've been doing everything i can to get rid of them.. for 18 months now, but they're still there.. affecting my every day life

i do have a good opinion of myself overall, but i also know i'd be a lot happier if i could shake these issues. knowing the good things about myself which i do, doesnt give me confidence.

the negative issues aren't always there, when they're not, i feel free. i can go out and be myself.. i get a really good response off people when im like this, people love to see me like that, and it makes me feel great.

it's getting to this stage that's the difficult bit.

 

[Nygard]

So, every time you try going out and leave behind those negative issues you're awfully aware that you're trying to leave them behind?
I was setting myself to fail like that before, I wanted to get rid of them and tried to do things that were supposed to be done to have fun, but instead, I was in there to get rid of them. I was setting myself to fail, once and again.

If for 18 months you've tried and tried, but there has been no gain then why don't you try a different approach? Why don't you try going out to have fun with whatever you want, just try to have fun without relying on others to make you feel good?

i think you're just trying to hard to "fix" yourself man, give yourself a break.

 

[lghost]

So you can't handle the fact that your not social enough and the fact that you aren't confident? You can't accept yourself for who you are? Did these flaws just occur? No? Been a while now, huh? Why are you still alive?

Quit lying to yourself, you don't care that your not social... You care about other people knowing your not social... You come off to other people as not confident because your worried about them thinking your not social... They see you as weak because you appear to be weak. Again, quit lying to yourself...

Well, you were raised to not be social... Not to big of a deal you ask me... Why? There are a lot of people who were not raised to be social, me included... If anyone should regret it, it would be your parents... Show your mom and/or dad that being social doesn't equal happiness...

Quit worrying about what other people think of you and you will create confidence... Once you have confidence, if you were meant to be social, it will happen without effort...

 

[lastresort]

What has really helped me with my confidence is a class called "Krav Maga" which is the martial arts system used by the Israeli Defense Forces. Krav Maga teaches you real-world self defense that includes gun and knife combat.

Some of the stuff we do involves dogpiles, intensity training, etc...Lets just say that you get a HUGE boost of confidence in developing yourself through a martial art discipline.

Some of you may say that they are not of the "fighting" type...well - neither am I. Krav Maga builds confidence and at the same time gives you a great workout.

Jujitsu, MMA, bas rutten, BJJ, etc are also very very good for having a good time and building confidence.

 

[randalll]

So you can't handle the fact that your not social enough and the fact that you aren't confident? You can't accept yourself for who you are? Did these flaws just occur? No? Been a while now, huh? Why are you still alive?

Quit lying to yourself, you don't care that your not social... You care about other people knowing your not social... You come off to other people as not confident because your worried about them thinking your not social... They see you as weak because you appear to be weak. Again, quit lying to yourself...

Well, you were raised to not be social... Not to big of a deal you ask me... Why? There are a lot of people who were not raised to be social, me included... If anyone should regret it, it would be your parents... Show your mom and/or dad that being social doesn't equal happiness...

Quit worrying about what other people think of you and you will create confidence... Once you have confidence, if you were meant to be social, it will happen without effort...

i know being social doesn't bring happiness. but being confident with yourself does.

i'm not trying to be the life of the party or anything, i dont want that sort of confidence. itd be fake to try that, because that's not who i am. i dont want to be confident so i'll have a better social life and get more respect off other people. i want confidence so that i am content with myself

the type of confidence that makes everything you do effortless.


its the fact that so far i've been incapable of being confident, that's what bothers me, not the fact that other people think im awkward, i couldn't care less about that.

tell me if you think this is a flaw, but i cant accept the fact that im nervous and awkward around people, i dont think thats who i am, or who anyone is for that matter

 

[Caveman]

The road to confidence is a tough one, with lots of setbacks.
I was kinda like youu when i first came here in 2001. Since then I can say that I've grown a lot and overall feeling very confident. But even today, there might be times that I feel a little less confident. I think this is only normal considering the process you're in.

Your frustration might be caused by your expectations. Do you really expect to go from 'socially awkward' to 'socially confident' overnight?

You say you don't care what other people think of you. I agree with Ighost: that's crap! Everyone cares what people think of them. It is in our nature. People are group-animals. You don't fit in with the group, you are left behind.

disappointed with myself once again

You mention you can't accept the fact that you are nervous and awkward around people. Let me ask you: Can you accept the fact that you are trying to recover from this? Or do you consider yourself a loser for having to try so hard?

Stop beating yourself up over this and praise yourself for your willingness to try and work on this. Don't expect too much, take babysteps.

Try with everyone you meet. Just make small talk. If you feel really really awkward, start with chatting with your parents. Just small talk. No pressure.

Try and make it a habit to say at least one scentense a day to a total stranger. Even if it has to be: "How bout that weather huh?"

Still, I think the most important thing for you to remember is that you must think positive about yourself for trying. Learning is good. This is a challenge.
Maybe no one will believe you can change this, but you can prove them wrong. Even if it is gonna take years, you will notice and praise yourself for everly little step forward. And if you happen to notice a setback, always remember that they are part of the process.

 

[randalll]

thanks caveman thats helped a lot

i do give myself credit for trying to improve, i dont think theres anything wrong with it, and not trying would be to give up.

i used to only focus on the mistakes i made in conversation
even if it generally went well but i messed up a couple of sentences.. i'd beat myself up over this, wondering why i said whatever i did

starting from today i'll focus in on the good points in every conversation

 

[SickAgain]

You be confident you gotta know the meaning of the word. It is a state of being that allows for these best decisions and action at a given moment. Situational confidence is development only through experiences. A man trying to fly a plane will not be very confident in his abilities when he's only logged in 10 hours.


I will end this with a shameless quote from Wikipedia, that holds much merit:

"When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more likely) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable."

 

[Caveman]

Nice! I really hope you will keep it up and be happy with yourself for every little ounce of improvement. Focus on the things that go well and try to notice the overall upward spiral.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you fail now and then. Everybody does. Just be thrilled with the opportunity, that you are able and willing to improve on this. You will come out a better man.

 

[randalll]

thanks caveman and sickagain, good quote that, i've read similar things in Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now

about not dwelling on your failures in the past, allowing you to focus all your energy on the present moment etc

all makes perfect sense, doing it is difficult, but im going in the right direction now

cheers again

 

[NewAndImproved]

starting from today i'll focus in on the good points in every conversation

Odds are, you won't. What you're describing sounds like social anxiety, which is marked by habitual negative/unrealistic thinking patterns. If you've been thinking negatively for so long, you're not going to stop even by "trying really hard."

Saying something like "each day I'm going to note ONE positive thing I contributed to a conversation" would be more realistic. Then once you've accepted this reality, raise the number to 2 and 3 and so on. You need to combat this in a systematic way.

I have more to say on this...later though

 

[Voice]

Dude I know all about awkwardness and anxiety, self-doubt etc, its tough. I go through that stuff a lot. It's a struggle.

However, the cure to social anxiety I found out is being genuinely empathetic about the people around you. Be interested in the person you're talking to. It gets you out of your head calms your anxiety and makes you naturally attractive and at ease. It's not easy to get out of your head, but I know this is the key.

I'm pretty sure this is what being a natural is all about. The whole article on conversation opened my eyes. Ask questions to people and be genuinely curious about the answers. Curiosity is the key dude, good luck.

 

[Daddy The Pimp]

Obviously , you didnt try hard enough. Reading books dont give you confidence. Try working out.It will increase your confidence alot.

Also , intensive field work will do the job.