Hi all,
This is less about asking for advice than my contribution of a report.
Six months ago, I was blindsided by a breakup of a three-year relationship. I came to the forum frantically seeking explanation. While many great explanations given, they were too difficult for e to believe or fully accept at the time. The closest answer to what was the truth came out much later.
The blame in this case landed on me, not in terms of cause for the breakup, as the girl was revealed to be a fatally flawed cocaine addict and transactional gold digger, but where I was at fault was by not being aware of my environment. A recently acquired mentor explained it best to me, that she was never in love with me, not one day, but rather she was in love with the idea of being in love with me. All of her previous exes were wealthy and short-lived, and with me she felt she could finally have something genuine, the real relationship she was looking for. And she tried, for the whole three years. But despite her intentions, this wasn't who she was. All that happened in this case was she simply restarted being who she really was.
However, my persistence along with my ego in allowing my own desires to overrule my awareness of the reality of the situation set me up to take a massive fall later that nearly killed me. I didn't have the balls to see that it wasn't going to work, and I was too afraid to move on without the validation of being in the relationship. That fear set up a pattern of disrespect from her, ensuring my misery in the last few months together.
At the time, I was incredulous to the suggestion that she cheated, but it later proved true. It had been going on for around two months. She still jet sets with the new BF taking advantage of the travel, not appearing to work. However, a friend shared a profile photo of her body language being far less interested than his, repeating a pattern that he observed in our own photos. So it will likely go around and around. There's always someone who has more.
Days before one of her island travels about two months into the breakup, and with strictly no contact, I woke up to find she had liked nearly all of my Instagram photos out of the blue. Possibly trying to initiate me contacting her, at this point I found her too sick to deal with, and I blocked her from all social media, still to this day, as well as deleting her friends so there's no way for her to check up on me. I've come to agree that allowing people who don't have your best interests at heart to view your life is a spiritual baggage that no one should carry. For anyone going through a breakup phase, these removals were a very difficult step at the time, but I can't recommend it highly enough as a symbolic and real means of letting go.
Also, I was told that if I do not improve my awareness of my surroundings, I will continue to attract more women like her. In addition, a healthier sense of self worth would have allowed me to exit much sooner. Mindfulness is meant to be the key, but I have more work to do here.
In the process of rebuilding, working out was my own drug that kept me going. Unable to follow my goal of putting on mass due to the stress of the long depression, I decided to turn that to my advantage by reversing goals and dropping weight. My waist dropped from a 38 to a 32, losing 22 pounds, and body fat dropped from 20% to 12.7%. I haven't had these measurements in 20 years. Now that the worst is long over, this is a very nice launchpad from which to put on lean mass again, back up 1.5 pounds of lean weight already. In a metaphor for the entire episode, sometimes you have to tear yourself down to rebuild stronger.
I returned to school and am now in my fourth and fifth class pursuing my masters degree.
As a spinoff of the work on the degree and volunteering to be a facilitator for internal training courses in leadership skills (a task that at first I felt wholly not credible for given my lack of self direction in the relationship, but I grew into it)... I received a significant promotion at work, moving from supervising 7 people to around 80.
I dated a stunning girl for a few months, well younger than myself, and although it had a built-in expiration date as she was only here on a contract, we had a great time and remain friends. On the dating front, before I can expect a more lasting success, I still have more work to do on building my own passions and not being dependent on the outcome of finding a relationship again.
Any suggestions you may have toward the next phase are welcome. Thank you for reading.
This is less about asking for advice than my contribution of a report.
Six months ago, I was blindsided by a breakup of a three-year relationship. I came to the forum frantically seeking explanation. While many great explanations given, they were too difficult for e to believe or fully accept at the time. The closest answer to what was the truth came out much later.
The blame in this case landed on me, not in terms of cause for the breakup, as the girl was revealed to be a fatally flawed cocaine addict and transactional gold digger, but where I was at fault was by not being aware of my environment. A recently acquired mentor explained it best to me, that she was never in love with me, not one day, but rather she was in love with the idea of being in love with me. All of her previous exes were wealthy and short-lived, and with me she felt she could finally have something genuine, the real relationship she was looking for. And she tried, for the whole three years. But despite her intentions, this wasn't who she was. All that happened in this case was she simply restarted being who she really was.
However, my persistence along with my ego in allowing my own desires to overrule my awareness of the reality of the situation set me up to take a massive fall later that nearly killed me. I didn't have the balls to see that it wasn't going to work, and I was too afraid to move on without the validation of being in the relationship. That fear set up a pattern of disrespect from her, ensuring my misery in the last few months together.
At the time, I was incredulous to the suggestion that she cheated, but it later proved true. It had been going on for around two months. She still jet sets with the new BF taking advantage of the travel, not appearing to work. However, a friend shared a profile photo of her body language being far less interested than his, repeating a pattern that he observed in our own photos. So it will likely go around and around. There's always someone who has more.
Days before one of her island travels about two months into the breakup, and with strictly no contact, I woke up to find she had liked nearly all of my Instagram photos out of the blue. Possibly trying to initiate me contacting her, at this point I found her too sick to deal with, and I blocked her from all social media, still to this day, as well as deleting her friends so there's no way for her to check up on me. I've come to agree that allowing people who don't have your best interests at heart to view your life is a spiritual baggage that no one should carry. For anyone going through a breakup phase, these removals were a very difficult step at the time, but I can't recommend it highly enough as a symbolic and real means of letting go.
Also, I was told that if I do not improve my awareness of my surroundings, I will continue to attract more women like her. In addition, a healthier sense of self worth would have allowed me to exit much sooner. Mindfulness is meant to be the key, but I have more work to do here.
In the process of rebuilding, working out was my own drug that kept me going. Unable to follow my goal of putting on mass due to the stress of the long depression, I decided to turn that to my advantage by reversing goals and dropping weight. My waist dropped from a 38 to a 32, losing 22 pounds, and body fat dropped from 20% to 12.7%. I haven't had these measurements in 20 years. Now that the worst is long over, this is a very nice launchpad from which to put on lean mass again, back up 1.5 pounds of lean weight already. In a metaphor for the entire episode, sometimes you have to tear yourself down to rebuild stronger.
I returned to school and am now in my fourth and fifth class pursuing my masters degree.
As a spinoff of the work on the degree and volunteering to be a facilitator for internal training courses in leadership skills (a task that at first I felt wholly not credible for given my lack of self direction in the relationship, but I grew into it)... I received a significant promotion at work, moving from supervising 7 people to around 80.
I dated a stunning girl for a few months, well younger than myself, and although it had a built-in expiration date as she was only here on a contract, we had a great time and remain friends. On the dating front, before I can expect a more lasting success, I still have more work to do on building my own passions and not being dependent on the outcome of finding a relationship again.
Any suggestions you may have toward the next phase are welcome. Thank you for reading.
