Desperately Need Advice

[driver55]

Please...

I hope this doesn't come across as a sob story but I would like some advice on how to move on...because I know that is what I must ultimately do, no matter how much I am in self denial about it.

I had been dating a girl for 4 years, almost 5. We knew each other all throughout college, where we met, and then continued into the beginings of our careers out of college, where we were unfortunately seperated from each other by distance. However, before we seperated we became engaged. Over the span of the last year I ended up cheating on her about a week, and I did tell her about this out of guilt and terminated the relationship with this other girl. I felt I cheated because I was still trying to cope with information I had been presented with, which was that she had cheated on me. I later found out she was raped and she could't bring herself to tell me this. That is what she said anyway. I felt like complete **** over this and she eventually left me. Now, a few months after we were officially over, she is engaged to another guy.

How do I deal with this? How do I get past feeling like I let go/lost/ruined the relationship with the person I thought was truly my soulmate? I feel so depressed and almost suicidal. I wish in my heart I could still be with this girl. We know each others most intimate secrets, met each others families, etc. I don't get it....she hasn't met this guys family and has only been with him for a few months and has known him as a friend for like 8 months.

I am just so shocked. I can't beleive it. Please...any advice to get over this would help. Now more than ever, I wish that movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was real, because all I want to do is forget about this girl because of the pain. I know most of you will say "learn and move on" but please any tips on how to do this would help. Thank you in advance.

 

[tmpgstx]

She ripped your heart out and ate it for breakfast.

Alot of us here have been through it (some of us several times).

I doubt she was raped. She's only dated the guy 3 months and is engaged, that tells me she doesn't think things through enough. This is not enough time to embark on such a big decision such as marriage.

It's hard to make a recommendation based on not knowing some of her attributes, such as how flirty she is around other guys while you were together - many guy friends etc.

 

[driver55]

Yes as to her attributes, she was somewhat filrty around guys, althought she tried to make it clear to me that she meant nothing by it. I tend to beleive her on this, since when we were together it was all about just me and her.

She does tend to have quite a few guy friends, but usually no more than her amount of girl friends.

I tend to believe that this is a big mistake also. I was with her for 2-3 years before I asked her to marry me. Then this joker comes along after she leaves me. Maybe she is just in a rush to get married, I don't know. After I spoke to her last night and basically said "have a nice new life" I decided to never have contact with her again (very tough). She called this morning and I didn't answer. She left a message saying she just wanted to make sure I was "ok" and that she hopes I just won't ignore her forever, because she claims she still "cares" about me. This I kind of find truthful since we essentially had a marriage but it wasn't official. We were in true love in every sense of the word. But being in the military and a LTR doesn't make things any easier, which was part of the problem. She is now with another guy in the military who is going to be seperated from her for a while too. I don't get it. I guess he must really be worth it to her. I am just so confused. I slept like sh!t last night. I pray for this to just be over...

Thank you for your reply. It feels good to have contact with others who have been through this. I am 24, so I guess a relatively young guy, and have alot ahead of me. I just thought I was one of those guys who wants a good woman and would like to settle down and have a nice family. I cannot imagine going through this again in my life, and I think I am developing a complex with women. I feel like I want to swear them off and just focus on my career. But then I get scared I will just be some old damn spinster with no one to spend their days with...or end up with some gold digger. Jesus, relationships can be scary....

 

[driver55]

Yes yes yes!

Thank your for replies. I feel like I read more and more truth on this site. I woke up this morning and looked outside and said out loud...."You can continue to dwell, and feel sorry for yourself, but then you may as well just wither up and die. Or you can go out there, meet people, and live to the fullest...because you only got one shot at this life to truly live."

Your posts are like a thread that I continue to unravel as I read. Further unraveling the truth. Yes I am very heartbroken, but I must fight that inner demon in me trying to convince myself that she is still "the one" and forget about all those memories. It is a battle that will be very tough, I am not going to even try to kid myself. But I have faith in myself. I will find self happiness and fullfillment. I must put aside all the things in my life that I percieve to be wrong and focus on the right, the good things I have going for myself.

You are right about me wanting to know what she is doing. I have a million questions running through my mind. Does she fvck him like she did me? Do they do the same activities we did? Does she talk to him and love him the way she did me? So many questions.....but maybe it is better I do not know....I feel like I am being left behind in the dust as all my friends marry and move on and have kids... Damn maybe I just need to hang out with more single people.

Yes you are right I do have insecurities. I am human. I am now requesting advice and tips for helping to combat these feelings and transform myself into my full potential. Will this bible everyone talks about help? I also take solice in the fact I am not alone and appreciate you sharing your stories of heartache, as bad as it may (or may not) be to recollect. I am leaving the country today for a while, and maybe that will help me further experience in what this world has to offer. If I do not reply for a while, this is why. But I will check on what you all have to offer.

Thank you, in advance, and best of luck to you all.

 

[tmpgstx]

This is a textbook breakup by a selfish AW. She has to make sure you're 'ok' etc. It removes the guilt from her shoulders by doing so. She will remain good with your family and not a tramp.

She flirted alot and had alot of guy friends welcoming unecessary attention to caress her insecurities.

She has blown this guy and probably swallowed a nut or two by now.

Feed this to your ego for fuel. Get yourself the most confident and attractive person you've ever been and she'll become a distant memory.

 

[NewMan]

It's going to take time.

Keep bust and improve yourself.

I would recomend you cut off contact and keep it that way. Talking/seeing her will only make it tougher in the long run.

she will want to use you as an emotional crutch - do yourself a favor (and manhood) and don't allow this to happen.

The best thing you can do is to live a good life. That starts today.

It's going to take time - you will just have to ride the emotional rollarcoaster.

date women if you can.

 

[MightyMate]

Well You shouldnt tell her about cheating. If You tell You loose her for ever.

 

[driver55]

Looks like a I got a bit of time before I depart...

The last reply may have misunderstood, she already knows about the cheating...I am the type to be upfront and honest in all issues, no matter how brutal. Perhaps this was my ultimate mistake and then again, maybe not.

Yes it is an emotional rollercoaster. You hit it on right on the head there my friend. I can't wait to get my bachelor pad set up and finally start having women over. I am sure it will get my mind of this person. Yes tmpgstx, I believe you may be correct about this being textbook and her relieving her burden of leaving me. I can sense it in her voice when I think about the last conversations we had. "Call me if you want to" "You will always be important to me" "I will always care about you". Fvcking rubbish. All of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish her pain in this new relationship...for it to dissolve into a messy divorce or never even happen? This is probably very petty of me, but those are the thoughts I have.

Newman...I think your are right about the emotional crutch. That angers me she would do that, intentionally or not.

I am already in pretty good shape. I wish to use this to further my physical prowess.

Thanks for your advice guys. Keep it coming...it definately helps. I had no idea I could gather such information from such an inspiring site.

Driver

P.S. Anyone know a good place to sell an engagement ring? I need to pay off my car...

 

[MightyMate]

So. Telling woman You been cheating is the worst You could do. If she came to YOu and said she been sleeping with others You would forgive her and be with her?
Sometimes truth shouldbt be told. All rules have exceptions. Depend on situation.
For example in some situations You should kill a person. And if You dont people will hate You. There are always exceptions.

Anyways date other woman, have sex and fun. Time is gonna clear everythiung up.

 

[driver55]

Thank you mighty, but actually she did technically 'cheat' on me. I don't want to get into details, but I had to find out on my own that it was going on which really hurt and devestated me. What language do you normally speak? I am curious, your typing seems different. So anyway, yes she was with someone else, I found out, and I eventually accepted it, and wanted to still be with her, because it was my understanding that that is what someone does when they are in love, true love with someone. Well, I slipped up and cheated then. So basically one big mess...

I will keep you posted on my new journey I take to reinvent myself...

<New> Had horrible dreams last night....I am so miserable.