Depression Issues re girl I'm dating

[Diamond]

Hi all,

I've been dating a girl for about 4 and a half months now. However, she suffers with depression and this is affecting things between us quite badly. I'm hoping someone here could give me some advice firstly on how I can help her and secondly give some advice on the relationship.

So to give some background, we're both mid 30's and met through Tinder. We hit it off immediately and for me, it wasn't far off love at first sight. For the next 3 months, things went really well and I was made up with how things were progressing, although we never actually agreed that we were in an exclusive relationship.

However, over the last month or so, her depression and other background issues have really been affecting things. To give some insight, she attempted to take her own life 9 months ago (before we met) following a huge amount of work related stress and a relationship breakdown. This resulted in her having several months off work – she was still off work when we met, before going back about a month and a half ago.

Since she went back to work, I think the stress and the depression have kicked in again for her, albeit not to the same extent as 9 months ago. She's become constantly tired and very reluctant to arrange anything between us. The contact via text / phone between us has become more sporadic and I feel like I'm the one making all the effort. When we do meet, we still get on totally great, but the lack of contact between us and reluctance to meet is making me feel very unsatisfied.

To give an example, I phoned her this morning (it's Christmas Day), it rang out so I left her a quick voicemail just saying 'Happy Christmas, I'm thinking about you today (she grew up an orphan and so finds Christmas very mentally difficult) and I love you'. However, 12 hours later, no response, no 'Happy Christmas' message, nothing.

I'm trying to make so many allowances due to her problems, but I'm feeling more and more as though I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I'm kind of constantly torn between giving her loads of space and trying to help her deal with her problems. I'm also torn between continuing and hoping that things improve with time and ending things and to start looking for someone else with less emotional baggage.

Would appreciate peoples' thoughts. I'm kind of turning to the Internet for help here as I don't feel I can tell anyone I know the above as she told me about her issues in confidence.

 

[Billtx49]

If as you say she’s already made one life ending attempt 9 months ago and in depression now, she should be getting heavy psych care. There is nothing else given the depth of her issue that you can help her with other than urging her to get good professional help.

 

[Chev.Chelios]

from my experience girls like that have rape, molestation, abuse issues.. alpha widowed etc.. lol
tell her about victim mentality and Brian Tracy

buy her a copy of julien transformation mastery and call it good.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I'm the one making all the effort. When we do meet, we still get on totally great, but the lack of contact between us and reluctance to meet is making me feel very unsatisfied.
.

If your going to date a broad and progress to RL then it's always best if they have = to or < issues than yourself. You need to re-evaluate why you decided to date her (besides that she's hot) and learn how to screen woman.


YOU are not a psychiatrist and it is not your job to fix her. Woman with mental issues will suck you in an spit you out. They are what I like to refer to as the modern day succubus. Stop being a white knight/captain save-a-höe.

This woman probably has serotonin issues that only a doctor can help her with!

As for what you stated above this will continue, GUARANTEED.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If as you say she’s already made one life ending attempt 9 months ago and in depression now, she should be getting heavy psych care.

Absolutely. I hope she is going to therapy as much as possible and not just taking anti-depressants.

So she tried to kill herself after the last dude dumped her? No pressure, lol. If you do break up with her, let her down gently. If she offs herself, you will feel responsible (even though you're not), so act responsibly now so that you have no regrets.

 

[Diamond]

Thanks for the responses. I'll reply to a few things people have said

If as you say she’s already made one life ending attempt 9 months ago and in depression now, she should be getting heavy psych care. There is nothing else given the depth of her issue that you can help her with other than urging her to get good professional help

I agree. I'm not sure what help she is getting...................it's not something we've discussed as I've been trying recently to keep every conversation and time spent with her as fun and relaxed as possible, rather than turn the conversation down those lines, as I find that 'talking about things' stresses her out. It's a tricky topic to bring up, but I totally agree.

You need to re-evaluate why you decided to date her (besides that she's hot) and learn how to screen woman.

In all honesty, her 'hotness' had very little to do with it......................it was the personality and the banter.................we just clicked, moreso by far than I have with any woman ever before (and I'm 33 so not inexperienced by any means). The stuff about the depression and the earlier suicide attempt she only told me about after 3 months and to be honest, had I known that at the start, I'd never have agreed to a first date.....................but it's very different once you've already got strong feelings for someone. Having said all that, I am very much thinking that this hot / cold, happy / unhappy, contact / no contact, wants to meet / doesn't want to meet isn't a normal healthy relationship.....................hence why I'm making this thread, I guess, as I know that things need to either change or end.

So she tried to kill herself after the last dude dumped her? No pressure, lol. If you do break up with her, let her down gently. If she offs herself, you will feel responsible

Yes, I agree, if I did end things, it would be with a hell of a lot of care........................she is a genuinely lovely person in spite of the impression I might have given of her in my original post.

Today has been a lot better in that there has been a lot of contact between us and we've made plans over the next 2 days and so it's tempting to say 'ah it's ok, everything's fine again'............................but I know that really this is another 'hot phase' and that in 2 or 3 days time, it could be a 'cold phase' again, and that ultimately this cycle can't keep continuing.
I think the big questions for me are firstly whether she can get the right help for herself, and secondly, whether her getting the right help could get the relationship onto the right track.
I can understand guys on here reading this and saying 'sod all that. Just go find a woman with no issues'. But the thing is that I click with this girl better than any girl I've ever met......................I was convinced after a couple of months that I'd found my life partner........................and so for me, the option of chucking in the towel is very much a last resort (but one that I know I may have to take if the issues just aren't resolve-able)

 

[sazc]

You can't do anything to help her, she needs to want to get help.

So the endorphins high of the new relationship brought her out of her funk for 3 months, and then the honeymoon period ended and she crashed again.

You are wasting your time with her. Tell her that you understand she is depressed, and you will always be a friend for her, but you need to let her find her way out of the depression on her own.

All you will ever get from her is DRAMA

Don't date broken people!!!!

 

[highSpeed]

I suppose it depends on how much you want to make yourself responsible for her issues. You can't start out a serious relationship with that kind of weight. You will always be in the role of care taker. That's no role for a significant other, at least not to start. That's not to say that people don't need that but you have to build up some serious emotional credit in a relationship bank before you can make that kind of request of someone. And make no mistake about it, it will either continue in this stagnation or get worse, either way, you're not going to be happy. Also, no matter how much you don't want this to happen it will, you will most likely become the focal point of her unhappiness. Instead of taking responsibility for her life, her feelings and making the necessary adjustments and doing the hard work necessary to become a fully actuated adult, she will simply shift the blame. And since significant others make such easy targets, it's highly likely that you will become that target.

So if that all sounds good to you, by all means, run, not walk, into a serious relationship with this person.

 

[Desdinova]

Let's look at the red flags:

we're both mid 30's

Women in their mid-30s are generally high mileage. Would you buy a car with 400,000 km on it?

met through Tinder

Women who have trouble meeting (good) men in real life resort to online dating. Meeting someone through online dating is like going to the garbage dump for household items.

she attempted to take her own life 9 months ago (before we met) following a huge amount of work related stress and a relationship breakdown.

I'm sure that something that you look forward to dealing with.

This resulted in her having several months off work

Women who are off work repeatedly for "stress" are usually a fvcking mess. Their finances are 5hit, their work ethic is 5hit, their ability to retain a job is 5hit.

the lack of contact between us and reluctance to meet is making me feel very unsatisfied.

A woman should add happiness to an already satisfying life. It sounds like this woman is reducing your satisfaction in life.

I'm feeling more and more as though I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

You probably are.

Women like this are NEVER worth keeping around. There are lots of better women out there. Next time she doesn't respond to your messages, leave her and don't respond to any of hers. Prepare for guilt trips, begging, crying, threats, etc. Don't give in and drop her like a mouldy potato.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Thanks for the responses. I'll reply to a few things people have said

In all honesty, her 'hotness' had very little to do with it......................it was the personality and the banter.................we just clicked, moreso by far than I have with any woman ever before (and I'm 33 so not inexperienced by any means). The stuff about the depression and the earlier suicide attempt she only told me about after 3 months and to be honest, had I known that at the start, I'd never have agreed to a first date.....................but it's very different once you've already got strong feelings for someone. Having said all that, I am very much thinking that this hot / cold, happy / unhappy, contact / no contact, wants to meet / doesn't want to meet isn't a normal healthy relationship.....................hence why I'm making this thread, I guess, as I know that things need to either change or end.

Yes, I agree, if I did end things, it would be with a hell of a lot of care........................she is a genuinely lovely person in spite of the impression I might have given of her in my original post.

Today has been a lot better in that there has been a lot of contact between us and we've made plans over the next 2 days and so it's tempting to say 'ah it's ok, everything's fine again'............................but I know that really this is another 'hot phase' and that in 2 or 3 days time, it could be a 'cold phase' again, and that ultimately this cycle can't keep continuing.
I think the big questions for me are firstly whether she can get the right help for herself, and secondly, whether her getting the right help could get the relationship onto the right track.
I can understand guys on here reading this and saying 'sod all that. Just go find a woman with no issues'. But the thing is that I click with this girl better than any girl I've ever met......................I was convinced after a couple of months that I'd found my life partner........................and so for me, the option of chucking in the towel is very much a last resort (but one that I know I may have to take if the issues just aren't resolve-able)

I have sympathy for you man I really do. I have been in the exact same shoes that you are in (minus the suicide attempt). Pretty much the same deal, she waited 3/4 months and BOOM dropped the knowledge bomb of her "skeletons in the closet". She had to take a daily "happy" etc. Mine was a genuinely lovely person as well, funny as fück too, great sense of humor, would dress up sexy for me, was submissive and even brought me presents! Loved animals and enjoyed the same music as I do, off the charts chemistry I get it. These woman aren't necessarily bad people in general, they are just extremely difficult to date and have a RL with, even when medicated!

The fact that she hasn't brought up "exclusivity" more than likely means she's probably on the fence with you and her hypergamy is telling her she can find someone better......She hasn't brought it up once?

Ok I had to go back and re-read your OP. Dude almost 5 months and you get no contact or even get to see her on Christmas?? WTF it sounds like you are just 1 of her plates man. This wouldn't surprise me as woman like this typically have multiple guys "falling" for her. I really want to hear what her excuse was!

 

[LJBFB]

Been here and all I can say is run before you look back at all the wasted time, and that how right now should've been that moment it ended. I did this last year for a whole year. Same exact thing minus the suicide.. xmas and everything.

Someone will come into her life, at some point, and will end/pause her depression. You succeeded for 3 months. If ypu were rocking her world she would be too worried about losing ypu other than whatever nonsense she thinks is wrong. Other chit would get deprioritized. Maybe this whole situation was bad timing and possibly ypu made all the right moves. She has certainly been alpha widowed before. Go date younger women who treat you better. Help a girl who earns it over time. Its too hard to make things work with someone under ideal circumtances nvm this

 

[Diamond]

Thanks again for replies. I am very much of the opinion that if things cannot change, then I need to move on. I've got a few questions for people who've responded though:

make no mistake about it, it will either continue in this stagnation or get worse

I 100% agree with that while she is depressed. However I was very much under the impression that depression was curable, and my thought was that if the depression could be sorted out, we would get back to where we were in the first 3 months. The depression kicked in the very moment she had to go back to work full time, which is why I've been of the opinion that the depression is work-related, rather than any sudden loss of interest in me.

Her attempting to take her life is a big red flag obviously

I agree

The reduction of contact can be, usually, a reduction in interest in you, and or she is doing it as a game to get you to chase her more and give attention because she's insecure, but most importantly disrespectful as fvck

See in normal circumstances, I would totally agree that when a woman reduces in contact / becomes less keen to meet, that it is a loss of attraction and interest.
However, I also know from having a reasonable (if not extensive) knowledge of depression that when someone becomes depressed, they can shut themselves away, stop doing things they normally love doing and stop seeing people (friends or partners) who they would normally love to see.
So I'm struggling to tell whether the change over the past month and a half is down to a loss of attraction, or down to the depression.

I have sympathy for you man I really do. I have been in the exact same shoes that you are in (minus the suicide attempt). Pretty much the same deal, she waited 3/4 months and BOOM dropped the knowledge bomb of her "skeletons in the closet". She had to take a daily "happy" etc. Mine was a genuinely lovely person as well, funny as fück too, great sense of humor, would dress up sexy for me, was submissive and even brought me presents! Loved animals and enjoyed the same music as I do, off the charts chemistry I get it. These woman aren't necessarily bad people in general, they are just extremely difficult to date and have a RL with, even when medicated!

This describes her to a tee. Even gave me a load of home-crafted presents for Christmas that she'd spent hours making, genuinely lovely girl. But as you said, extremely difficult to date.

The fact that she hasn't brought up "exclusivity" more than likely means she's probably on the fence with you and her hypergamy is telling her she can find someone better......She hasn't brought it up once?

We chatted about it after a couple of months, more in conversation than having a serious 'talk'. She told me that she was trying to avoid becoming too emotionally involved with me because she had plunged the depths after the collapse of her last LTR and was scared of that happening again (I didn't know about the suicide attempt at this time, but obviously I now know that that was what she was referring to!). My response was 'no worries, there's no pressure, let's just enjoy seeing each other'

Dude almost 5 months and you get no contact or even get to see her on Christmas?? WTF it sounds like you are just 1 of her plates man. This wouldn't surprise me as woman like this typically have multiple guys "falling" for her. I really want to hear what her excuse was!

Excuse was this....................she spent Xmas day with 2 friends (who also have no family in the area). Saw I'd rung her but didn't want to disturb me by phoning back when she knew I'd be with my family. By evening time, she'd had a lot to drink and didn't want to phone me steaming drunk so decided she'd phone me the next morning instead (which she did).

I must admit I still felt hacked off at the lack of a Merry Christmas message, but I didn't make a fuss about it. Something I will say in her defence re the Christmas thing is that, like a lot of people who've grown up with no family and who have lost people, she hates Christmas.................she'd told me previously that seeing everyone else happy with their families always gave her a sense of grief of never having had that (she lost her mum aged 6 and her dad's never given a fvck). So Christmas isn't the big happy occasion in her mind that it is in mine.

I did this last year for a whole year. Same exact thing minus the suicide.. xmas and everything.

If you're willing to, could you tell me more? Assume you mean re her having depression issues....................if so, how did she attempt to deal with them and how did you try to help?
Do you hold the opinion that even if she'd got the right help to cure the depression, things could still have never worked out?
And what made you stick around for a year?

 

[LJBFB]

If you're willing to, could you tell me more? Assume you mean re her having depression issues....................if so, how did she attempt to deal with them and how did you try to help?
Do you hold the opinion that even if she'd got the right help to cure the depression, things could still have never worked out?
And what made you stick around for a year?

She was busy with an accelerated program at school. She lived with family after a live-in bf breakup landed her on antidepressants a few months before we dated. I made all the plans and commute and often going weeks without seeing each other. I knew my sacrifices and investment would never be appreciated. I waited for an isolated action to verify this. I stuck around due to her having less red flags than anyone else Ive ever met. But overal low expressed interest.

Anyway her depression was very covert and not discussed much. I knew it was there due to battling itself my whole life. She told me her fam said how she he she seemed so much happier during our honeymoon stage. No this would havr not worked out. Read up on high score theory. Even the best of 25 year olds have been through too much to be a good ltr.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

There isn't a cure for depression, there are only meds and therapy for treatment to help subside it. This will always be a battle that she fights, on top of it she drinks. She's more than likely an addict is essentially self medicating with alcohol, does she smoke weed too? Mine did, booze, weed & meds........BAD combo!

Jesus I could write a 10 page essay on woman like this. It is truly sad how many that I have meet that are like this. The only HOPE that any of these woman have is to get sober first and stick to meds, and therapy and more than likely a support group.

YOU CANNOT HELP HER! She can only HELP herself. Dude you are seriously beating a dead horse, for your sake, since you don't plan on dropping her. YOU need to at least drop your expectations. There really is no such thing as a "normal healthy relationship" with woman like this.

 

[Diamond]

I agree with both of you, I need to lower my expectations with her and to keep my options open. I am going to begin actively looking for other women again.

I've got no other woman around at the moment...............................I made a conscious choice after a month that I was happy to purely focus on this girl (tbh I'm much more of a relationship guy than a playing the field sort of guy) and so I dropped another girl I was seeing at the time and came off Tinder etc.

But I think that because I've got no other immediate options, I would find it very difficult to call time on this girl right at this moment, even though I know that things aren't right..........................I'd be feeling very very depressed and would be immediately wanting her back.

But I'm thinking that by giving myself other options, I'll be in a better place to make good decisions.

 

[Reykhel]

Life is quite good when you can keep things simple...

The simple answer: GET OUT!! GET OUT NOW AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!

Now, let's talk about your self esteem. Why do you feel that you don't deserve better?

Are you the kind of person who when you order a rare steak and when it comes back burned you shut the fvck up and accept it? Fvck that! Send it back to the kitchen!!! Send it back and demand another the way you want it!!!

Think about it....what kind of a woman would you like in your life? Write it down. Write s blueprint. Write "must haves " and "would be nice to have " nobody's perfect...but I bet this girl's qualities will not be on your list......send her back to wence she came!!! Demand more!!!!

Trying to "fix " her will turn you into a codependent beta phaggot and you will destroy your life. And you know what? She won't thank you....in fact she will resent you

Cut yourself free. I give you my permission

 

[ohrein]

Most people have covered your options. I'll keep my advice short, leave.

I'd like to touch on mental illness though, having gotten over it myself and having been with SEVERAL women with moderate to severe mental illnesses. The most important concept you need to understand is you can not help her. You can not expect her to change. If you do not like her as she is with this illness, it's almost impossible you will get a happy ending. The woman I'm seeing now has a mild anxiety but she has NEVER let it impact me. In fact she goes out of her way to challenge it, especially if that involves spending time with me. That is not only acceptable but admirable. It sounds like the girl you're seeing is wielding it as a weapon against you or at the very least letting it impact your relationship. I have "dated" girls like that and it has NEVER worked out. If you are happy with her and you really want to make it work, you have to set the ground rules that you will not be a punching bag for her illness and she must seek treatment. If she breaks either of those rules then you should understand where that puts you in her priorities.

But in my experience, most people won't seek help. They don't want to try and beat their illness because it's so ****ing difficult to do. She'll keep doing what she's doing and you'll get wrapped up in the drama. Good luck, my friend.

 

[Diamond]

Thanks for the advice. I ended the relationship on December 30th, and hadn't read this forum since then until now, so apologies for my lack of replies to people.

 

[wolf]

Thanks for the advice. I ended the relationship on December 30th, and hadn't read this forum since then until now, so apologies for my lack of replies to people.

Good Man! Takes balls to walk away. Use this as a learning experience and stay away from toxic women with their finger hovering over the self destruct button.

 

[XFORCE]

To give an example, I phoned her this morning (it's Christmas Day), it rang out so I left her a quick voicemail just saying 'Happy Christmas, I'm thinking about you today (she grew up an orphan and so finds Christmas very mentally difficult) and I love you'. However, 12 hours later, no response, no 'Happy Christmas' message, nothing.

See in normal circumstances, I would totally agree that when a woman reduces in contact / becomes less keen to meet, that it is a loss of attraction and interest.
However, I also know from having a reasonable (if not extensive) knowledge of depression that when someone becomes depressed, they can shut themselves away, stop doing things they normally love doing and stop seeing people (friends or partners) who they would normally love to see.
So I'm struggling to tell whether the change over the past month and a half is down to a loss of attraction, or down to the depression.

Going through the inconsistencies of communication now with my GF. She's gone through a bunch of stresses the last few months and began abusing her meds. Her circumstances have improved the last few weeks but she acknowledges she needs therapy for her unresolved issues that caused her depression as well as her pill addiction. There are moments of clarity where she's emotive and communicative mixed in with unreliability and withdrawal. I'm realizing as I'm typing this, it's just reinforcing my urge to break it off with her.

but I know that really this is another 'hot phase' and that in 2 or 3 days time, it could be a 'cold phase' again, and that ultimately this cycle can't keep continuing.

I read that you broke up with her five days after Xmas. Did these phases continue? And what prompted you to decide to end it?

Pretty much the same deal, she waited 3/4 months and BOOM dropped the knowledge bomb of her "skeletons in the closet".

We were talking about previous relationships and I told her I'd never date another woman on meds again after my ex had BPD/schizophrenia. The GF told me that all she takes are anti-anxiety pills, that it's not a big deal and she doesn't really need them. I took her word for it.

Six months later, I find out she's addicted to those and sleeping pills and makes ****tails with them. On top of that, when she's feeling really down, she revealed she can go through a two month supply in a week. I've known her for over a decade as friends and she admitted she lied to me because our chemistry got so great that she didn't want to scare me away with the truth. Geez...