Depressed? Am I Just a Complete Mess?

[someone800]

Hey,

To start off, I am currently a Junior. Ever since Freshman year, I have really been wanting to get really socially active with other people, especially girls. Problem is, I have tried A LOT and it just doesn't seem to work. I have looked around on the internet for tips, a friend and I (nice guy 91-we just found out about this site) have been really working on getting better at our social lives since Freshman year. Honestly, we both need a lot of work, but he has at the least made far more progress then I have.
When I talk to other people, especially girls, I end up blushing, standing really stiff, moving my eyes around a lot, etc, even if I don't like the person. Sometimes, I end up avoiding a potential conversation because I am afraid of the outcome. After doing a lot of research, I have figured out that I think I have social anxiety disorder. After reading that it all made sense, in my early years (Elementry-Middle School), I was bullied a lot for being different/outgoing/talking a lot, ect. When Freshman year came, I thought I had learned to be socially accepted: by shutting up. Wow, did that work wonders (sarcasm). So, now I, a computer person (not your stero-type looking nerd though-I have been refered to as "normal"), am trying to become really socially active and I just freak out/blush/end up speaking stupidly when I get into a conversation.
Additionally, in a conversation, I end up making a fool of myself because I can't think of things that are interesting to say or start with. I always pretty much think that the person is going to judge me or whatever in a bad way.
I also find I have pretty low self-esteem. I don't think highly of myself at all, I look down a lot, etc. Also, for some damn reason, a stupid joke is coming back to haunt me from the freaking first grade. In first grade, I was screwing around apparently about how I wanted to be a (not going to say because I am paranoid other's I know are on here), and for some reason, some ******* kids are bugging me about it, making fun of me for it which is like putting me in a deja-vu situation of Elementry/Middle School. Additionally, when people make the dumb, "you're gay" joke, or something like that, I feel I succumb to them and don't do anything about it. I pretty much find myself a lot thinking not much of myself which I am realising that is probably one of the worst things I could do to myself.
Additionally, I pretty much just want to change myself to be a better overall person for life-in additon to the potential social anxiety disorder I have (which I am seeking talk therapy for-SHOULD I?), I believe I have OCD. I have taken successful measures to rid myself of it, but a lot of it is still there-I am almost germaphobic, etc.
Pretty much, I feel my social life/who I am is a screw-up. My grades have been worse and worse by the year (I want to go to college though), I don't excercise much, but I do track, I am not sure of my personal style, who I really am, etc. I really want to get into the social life action fast, because I know that High School is supposed to be one of the best times of my life.........and it's not.

Any suggestions?

 

[Epic]

I know what you're going through man, I had severe social anxiety when I was younger. Sometimes, it made me nervous to go through the drive thru area at a fast food restaurant. You can't let your experiences from elementary school effect you now. You have to realize that those were children who picked on you, your classmates are not going to be anywhere near that immature and mean as long as you're not a a$$. You need to start with people in general before you work on girls. Do you have any drama classes at your school? That could really help, especially if they teach improv. I never took drama, but I've seen shy people come out with better communication skills after taking it. I used to do comedy improv a lot with my friends. It teaches you to come up with something to say on the spot in response to someone else. Also, before I went to bed and before I went to school every day, I would talk like this to myself(it may sound stupid and funny but it worked for me, it's like a form of positive reinforcement):

"You're a fvcking bada$$ man! Everyone knows it, they just don't want to admit it to themselves. Soon they won't be able to fight it anymore, because you're finally going to let it show. They'll finally except that you're going places, your the badest motherfvcker in that school. No one can talk as smooth as you, no one is as witty as you, no one can have a good time like you can. The guys are all going to want to follow you, and the women will want to be at your side. That's ok though, I'm not stuck up, I want everybody to be my friend. It's inevitable, I might as well just do them all a favor and do it now, instead of making them anticipate it."

Like I said it sounds ridiculous, but it works.You just have to watch it, if you're starting to feel arrogant back off for a bit.

If you have hobbies and interests don't question if that's who you are, embrace it, it's not what you do, it's how you do it. As far as the grades go, you need to buckle down. You're always going to have a chance to be more social, but doing good in high school gives you a chance to get scholarships and early admissions to colleges. This is your life. All these people you deal with in school are going to be gone once you graduate and most of them you'll probably never see again. Grades come first, socializing comes second. If you do this you'll end up with a good career and a good salary which will add to your confidence and make you a more appealing man to women because you are financially stable.

 

[Eddie417]

Always hard to convince someone in school to focus on the education, at the time the social stuff seems to be the most important thing in the world. School for me was great but it was pretty tough for one of my daughters who is pretty but very reserved. I never stopped reinforcing the "school first, friends later" message.

She's now doing great, working on a graduate degree and has her whole life ahead of her. The most popular boy from her senior year in high-school comes by once a week in the summer without fail. He cleans our pool.

 

[the_great_gaia]

Whenever you attempt to talk to other girls and you start 'blushing' and 'getting stiff', this shows these girls that you are 'not-relaxed' and you become a 'freak show', something for them to laugh at. They would expect VIRGINS to act this way.

And according to what I'm reading, it seems as tho you "need" a girl in your life. This is the very thing you must SHED in order to start gaining a woman's attention. (Attractive) women don't want you to need them, at least in my own experiences.

When having a conversation with a girl, the KEY is to do 15% or less of the talking, you have to get her to talk about herself (even if it does wind up being painful because women TALK too much). If you go on blabbing about yourself, you become "self-centered" and eventually "boring" to women. Women are like 'detectives', they like to figure things out for themselves. Instead of telling her your "lifestory", let her find out little things about you (this is how you create mystery, a deadly good trait in ATTRACTING women). After time, reward her by telling her 'key clues' about yourself, this way she can feel "closer" to you. If you tell her EVERYTHING, you'll be "boring" and "predictable".

Look, women and men, we're all the SAME. There's nothing to be nervous about. Your little social-disorder can be broken (i can't believe this can be a disorder). Women ain't gonna kill ya (well, yeah they can...), but being REJECTED by a woman isn't a BIG DEAL. Actually, I think this is your problem, you're not good at handling rejection. In this 'game' called LIFE (especially when it comes to women), you're gonna have to make 'rejection' into a strong point, because you will not GET EVERY WOMAN YOU WANT. You should train yourself to accept rejection.. even to the point where you EXPECT TO BE REJECTED, because then... talking to WOMEN won't make you nervous, and you can be YOURSELF (you know, that person that you are when you practice talking to yourself in the mirror, lol). Don't worry about trying to IMPRESS any girl you interact with. The secret is THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO IMPRESS THEM, they hate that. Everyday, Everywhere- guys are trying to impress them with money, muscles, clothes, cars, jewelry, etc. Be the exception... don't really 'give a damn' what impresses a woman, IMPRESS yourself. Your attitude about yourself and your CONFIDENCE is what makes a woman want you. I can help you.

 

[niceguy91]

i was gunna take someone800 to the mall/movie hang out place after finals next friday, thinking about just making him more comfertable round girls, cz something i realized today is that i have ltos of friends that are girls, and after school today i got atleast 20 hugs from pretty hot girls. i would b his whing man and help him out...think this is a good idea? also what kind of reinforcment should i provide for someone800 when were in the field?

 

[someone800]

Your one of the guys who class hugs as a feat? I personally don't, probably just social conditioning, where I am, girls hugging is like... well let's just say it happens a LOTTTT.

Really? Let's just say I am a LOT worse than that. For some reason, I freak out and don't hug girls who are friends. For example, there's one I know-but I am just always worried it will be taken the long way or something like that. Stupid, I know. Maybe I just don't know enough girls as friends.

By the way, thanks for all the replies so far, they are very helpful!

 

[DJ_Matthew]

Really? Let's just say I am a LOT worse than that. For some reason, I freak out and don't hug girls who are friends. For example, there's one I know-but I am just always worried it will be taken the long way or something like that. Stupid, I know. Maybe I just don't know enough girls as friends.

By the way, thanks for all the replies so far, they are very helpful!

It's time to grow some balls my friend.

 

[someone800]

I Feel Really Enraged Right Now

Hey,

A pretty good example just happened that might be of some help. I just preformed during a specific kind of concert at my school. This concert was in front of my parents and grandparents. After reading some of the HS Bible and replies to this, I was ready to really try to get social. Before/After we had a lot of time to socialize and I did-I really tried, but one of these a$$holes I know happens to be one of my concert partners boyfriend. Additionally, a lot of these people have known me for a long time, so it is really hard to even get a reputation with them even though I try. Additionally, by the end of the performance, because I was a bit more socially-minded I suppose, I felt really hot (temperature-wise), and enraged for some reason twoards/at the end of the concert because I knew my parents and grandparents were watching me. The thing is, I have talked to my mom before about how I want to get more open and social and not worry about me as I can rationalize (maybe a little to much sometimes I believe) and she understands (I have supportive family). Yet, I felt like tonight, I was locked up-I really want to get out of my shell, I just can't tell if it's the people I know not letting me out of it, myself or a combination.

Additionally, I guess this would be a good time to say that I feel like sometimes I am a to nice of a nice guy. Sometimes though, I find my sense of humor actually making people laugh (it can be a dirty sense), but then it comes back at me, like I over-do it or something. In otherwords, I, for a moment sometimes find myself being social and then stepping a little to far and everything coming down on me, thus discouraging me for the rest of the day (I find that if something happens, I end up feeling down a lot about myself for the day).

Thanks again for replying to this thread so far, I appreciate it-this is a great forum (I thank a lot in life by-the-way, is this to much/OCD?)

 

[jaaku]

someone. You're going through the exact same thing I had up until this year. Even now though, I still show similar tendencies.

When I was in middle school (I'm in my senior year of high school now), some jerk started rumors about me. In retrospect, this wasn't a surprise seeing as I was a goth kid. Now, all those kids i grew up with, go to my high school. They used to always bring that sh!t back to haunt me. I only felt myself when I was either a) at a different school (our city has 5 of them) or b) out of town. Now, I'm more open, and generally, care less. It's not a real life, it's high school. College is where life gets fun.

Anyways, things that worked for me:

I got practice elsewhere. Little did I know, I actually do have some natural ability to attract girls, and hold a conversation. With some practice, I found out how to close the deals, instead of being the nice guy. In other words, go to another school, no one knows you there. If you have a friend there, great, get yourself into the group for the day. There's no need to get up tight, cause you'll never see them again. and if you do, it's probably because the group/girl liked you.

when people call you gay:

Run with it. That was the first thing I learned in high school. I was lucky enough to make friends with a lot of guys and girls that are either bi, gay, or lesbian. The more you hang out with them, the more you realize how not gay you are. You become more secure with yourself. Then, you can roll with the disses, and turn them around. Just say something like how you said that was for only one night, and just for him (the guy who's dissing you). Use your imagination. It may freak the guys out, but it can work wonders with girls. Hell, Mystery has a canned opener that involves saying that you're gay.

can't figure out who you are: There's the catch 22, at least for me. I didn't figure myself out until I tried on a lot of masks for my social life. I was everything, until I found myself. Hell, because of it, now I can bullsh!t my way out of anything. Just get out there. You don't have to be yourself at first, it'll come naturally. The turning point for me was when I cracked a guy in the face at a party. I ended up getting knocked out, but it really brought my rep up (the guy had slapped a girl...so it was interesting).

keeping your head down: I walked with my head down a lot. Sometimes, I still do. Best way to solve this, get your friend, whenever he sees you with your head down, to hit you in some way. Pain is a beautiful teacher. Espcially when you can't hit back.

low self esteem: I still have it. I over critique myself to a fault. All my close friends point it out, and I know it. I just don't stop. I solved my issue with putting up a mask, and then when i have her close, she can see through the mask. She points it out, but then I explain how I push myself so hard to do the best that I can, etc, etc. She ends up falling for it nearly all the time...it's weird. This isn't a reccomended solution by any means, but meh. whatever floats your boat.
Also, to gain more confidence in yourself...hit somebody after they've done something wrong. I kid you not, even if you get your a55 handed to you, as long as people see that you stood up for someone else, they'll instantly think more of you.

enjoy my rambling? thought not...Uhhhh...take what you can from what I said, or disregard. In the end, it's your choices, no person, event, or act by another decides who you are. That's your job. If they try to mold into something you don't want to be...hit them

-Jaaku-

 

[DrD77]

someone, your story sounds a lot like mine. always feeling akward in social situations, fearing presentations in front of the class, never talking to girls because i'm too scared. i've never even hugged a girl i don't think. never kissed a girl. never even really had a girlfriend except for when i was younger but that in no way counts. im in college now(freshman) and i can honestly say that even though high school is suppose to be one of your best times in your life, it was pretty much hell for me. i don't have many friends, i didn't go to prom or any dances for that matter. i usually stayed home on friday nights. it sucks real hard man and im trying to break out of my shell too. right now like one person said, im trying to become social with people in general, not particularly focused on women. im never gonna give it up. for some godforsaken reason, i was born shy and im not gonna let this stop me. i'm not going to end up like the 40 year old virgin. im not going to be living in my parents basement for the rest of my life. im going to get out there and show the world what im ****ing made of.

 

[Craig Reeves]

I used to suffer from SAD as well.

Look, I'm gonna tell you the same thing my therapist from way back told me:

You're focusing on reaching a desired outcome with people rather than making the goal to make them *feel* a certain emotion.

In other words, when you talk to women, don't concentrate at all or make the goal to "get their phone number", or "isolate them", or "get a date with them", but rather, to make them feel attraction for you....all the logistical stuff as far as the relationship between you and her goes will all happen on its own if you can get the vibe going. Good luck!

 

[Plec07]

I'm just going to say that this is probably one of the best examples of the sosuave community working together to come up with helpful advice and suggestions to a single person in a long time. It's threads like these that I enjoy reading, simply because it's nice to see everybody offering what advice they can and nobody is saying anything stupid or randomly insulting the OP. This might be because the OP has thought about what he was going to say, and has been completely honest in his story. I wish more people did this when asking for help.

To the OP: There isn't a lot I can tell you without repeating previous replies, but I think the most important thing for you right now is building up your self-esteem and confidence. Get your education, health and mentality sorted. With that you'll get social status and confidence. And then all the women things will just fall into place.

I reccomend buying a couple books on PUA. Not for their routines and plans to get girls into bed. But for the motivation and realisation they give. The most important one for you I think would be 'The Game' by Neil Strauss. A very good read and it will completely make you rethink your life.

Also before you go out to see people, or even go into school try getting yourself pumped up and your adrenaline running. Motivate yourself to talk to people and get a better social reputation. For this you can do so many things. Do some work/study. It really is very rewarding when you complete a piece of school work that your happy with and it gets you in the right state of mind to be social with people and approach girls. That sort of "I can do things.. and I can do them well" state of mind. Or you could do one of your hobbies, play a sport, an instrument. Anything productive that you enjoy (playing a video game doesn't count). In adition to these you could try reading some of the things on sosuave that aim to get people motivated. I've put togeter a compilation at the top of the HS forum with a few good links from HS posters. IN addition you could look thought the DJ bible, especially have a glace at some of Pook's threads. They always got me all worked up.

 

[redspicyflag]

Book of Pook

Eat it up

That book changed my life so much

Oh, get your shiit together too

You need a strong foundation for everything else

 

[DJsomeday]

Read Weapons of Mass Seduction, search it in the DJ BIBLE, it treats social anxiety i can't tell you guys how much this has helped me.. i just can't, i do recommend it 100%.

 

[GaryUranga]

I used to have social anxiety, you gotta start thinkign of yourself differently, getting some exposure, seeing that things are not a big deal and it'll go away just realize youre perfectly normal.