Definitive theory on One-i-tis (LONG)

[joekerr31]

Ok guys, im going to throw out an idea here that is somewhat contrarian to many of the ideas put forward on the concept of one-i-tis.

Here is the thing, people are treating one-i-tis as a bad thing. It is a bad thing when the other person doesn’t have one-i-tis also. If you both have one-i-it is then its called love (now there are different kinds of love, some unhealthy some healthy).

But that’s neither here nor there. What I want to address is why guys get one-i-tis over women who don’t have one-i-tis back.

Ill begin my hypothesis by stating that it’s very rare for a guy to get one-i-tis over a woman who isn’t in some manner or another looking to cause that in him. Now she might not be doing it consciously, but she’s inviting that level of obsession from the guy (unless we are dealing with stalking type guys, in which case its not one-i-tis, its mental illness).

So what is it that makes a guy so desperately want a woman who isn’t prepared to return his interest?

Conventionally the answer has been:
1) You want to conquer her – it’s the challenge she represents
2) She’s so hot you just can’t let go
3) She’s just the most amazing person you’ve ever met
4) She makes you feel the way no other woman has made you feel
5) You have low self esteem and are too afraid to go after other women

And on and on and on…

I put forward that at the very core it is because you’ve come to see yourself as her PROTECTOR.

Now what does that mean? It’s very simple.

Women, at the end of the day, choose a man that they feel is the best person for them to reproduce with. For women that includes traits like: control over your emotions, potential to provide (ie. good job), good genes (ie. handsome), funny (ie. long term emotional support), smart (ie. good problem solver) and there are probably a few more.

Now, when women are young they aren’t so picky on all these fronts. Why? Because basically all guys are the same… they hardly possess any of these characteristics. Women will go with looks and alpha male status when they are young. Also, to younger women all they really care about is being worshipped by some guy to validate their ego. As they get older and start thinking about marriage and kids, they start to judge based on these criteria.

Which is also why women can be so absolutely cut throat and cold hearted when dumping a guy. The reason? They were with him because he had potential to meet their overwhelming drive of reproduction at some point. Once she feels that he no longer possesses the quality of traits to meet that criteria, he becomes an absolutely and total waste of her time from a romantic perspective. Whether her actions hurt him or not are irrelevant to her… he’s failed the “mate” test and that’s it, she’s gone, no ifs ands or buts.

Not surprisingly women will often dump a guy when they’ve been in the presence of a male who appears to possess all of these traits to a greater extent and who has shown an interest in her. At this point she gets the “I can do better” mentality… what shes really saying is “I can mate with a better male than the one I have now.” This is also why women sh*t test… they want to know for sure that the bill of goods they are being sold is what it appears to be. They’ve all been with guys who know how to “act” like an alpha male, they want to know for sure that it’s not just an act. And the best way to figure that out is to sh*t test him and see how he responds. If the psycho sh*t eating controlling possessive side of him comes out, that’s it, she’s out. If he walks away, or responds in a mature manner, he passes the test and she falls ever more in love with him, because in her mind he is now the BEST mate potential she’s yet to find in a man.

Ok, so that’s why women do a lot of what they do.

Now the question becomes, why a man becomes obsessed with a woman.

While women are desperately seeking the best male possible to mate with, a male is seeking the same thing, but looks at the situation completely different. A male is looking for a woman who is slightly subservient. Which is to say, he’s looking for a woman who will raise his family and provide nurturing to him and his children. And he’s also looking for the most attractive woman he can get because 1) they are pleasing to his eye (and are enjoyable to look at) and 2) it provides his children with the best genes possible.

So man walks around in the world, bumping into various women here and there. Some he finds attractive and chases after them, only to find out that they don’t possess the traits he is looking for in a woman. He may get into a relationship with them, but isn’t overly upset when it ends at some point.

Eventually man meets woman. She’s hot. But for whatever the reason he doesn’t move on her. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe he’s too afraid. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe his friend is interested in her and he doesn’t want to cut his friend off, who secretly showed interest first. Whatever, who knows.

But all that said, he still talks with chic. He gets to know her. A “platonic” relationship builds. He gets to know her as a person. He finds out about all her flaws and how f*cked up she is. He comforts her during her tough times – as a friend. She shares with him her thoughts and feelings on a wide variety of life’s issues and events. Blah blah blah.

Man suddenly wakes up to find that he has one-i-tis. What happened?

What happened was that he has come to think of himself as her PROTECTOR.

continued...

 

[joekerr31]

Here’s the thing, in the same way that a woman, once she starts to look at a man as a potential baby making partner, becomes absolutely love sick with him. So to, when a man comes to see himself as the protector of a woman, he becomes obsessed with her.

Just like a woman’s strongest biological urge is to become a mother. So too a man’s strongest biological urge is to become the head of the pack – a protector.

Assuming you are even moderately attracted to a woman … once she shares with you all of her thoughts and feelings, and you are the primary male with which she does this with, you will begin to think of yourself as her protector. And it’s not natural for a man to want to protect something from afar. Quite the opposite, he wants to bring the things he wants to protect into his cave, so that they are safe and sound.

So men begin to want more from the friendship. They want to be the full time protector. This is usually when the man asks the woman out. If he gets shot down, it’s usually a very weak rejection, because the woman enjoys having a “part time” protector and doesn’t want to see that end. So the guy, not facing absolutely rejection, tries to continue on as “friends” – with the hopes that something might develop later. The problem is that he still thinks of himself as her protector, and she often will continue sharing her thoughts and feelings – reinforcing that perception (remember what I said earlier, women invite one-i-tis. I’ve never seen a guy get one-i-tis over a woman who isn’t giving the “Im looking for a protector” type signals to him – even if its only her sharing her feelings with him). (note: this doesn’t apply to teenagers, im talking 25 and older)

Eventually this leads to the state where the man feels as though he is being treated like an “emotional tampon”. This is where one-i-tis meets reality, and usually the man becomes very angry and begins to feel used.

The truth is though that you weren’t used in the least. YOU committed yourself to becoming her protector. And in the same way a woman will become obsessed with a man because she sees him as the best match for providing her with children, so too do men get obsessed with a woman who they feel they will be able to final achieve the full time role of protector with. Which is often why men will get one-i-tis over highly dysfunctional women – they see them as being in need of a protector. It’s like bees to honey. (note: when you mature you will realize that you want to be a protector, and will also realize a chic doesn’t have to be f*cked in the head for you to play that role. Kind caring women need protectors also).

But make no mistake about it, YOU put yourself in this situation. And really, it’s not HER that is giving you one-i-tis, but rather the possibility that you could become the full time protector with her. And that only came about because you allowed yourself to become the part-time protector.

So how do you overcome one-i-tis?

The traditional answer is spinning more plates. Or in this context it is to search out a new woman to become a protector with. This works most of the time (as you realize that you can achieve this role with many women, not just the one you got one-i-tis for). Although this doesn’t always work. It usually works IF you find another woman that you built that level of intimacy with. If you just go f*ck 10 other women, you’ll probably still have a sense of desire for the one you originally had one-i-tis over.

So let’s look at a much simplier way to overcome one-i-tis. You have to STOP seeing yourself as her protector. You have to admit that you have a deep and burning desire to be a PROTECTOR but that she will not be the one that you evolve into that role with. She is using you as a part-time protector, until she finds a male that she can use as a full time protector (and guess what buddy, the moment she does this, you are GONE. She may stay friends with you, but will stop telling you all her secret thoughts and you will start to feel like she is only talking to you out of pity).

Moving on, or overcoming one-i-tis, is about understanding why you had one-i-tis in the first place. And I’d argue that in 95% of the cases, you developed it through weeks/months of the woman confiding things in you and sharing a deep connection with you – albeit as friends. You slipped into the role and didn’t even realize you had. Just like women will be “friends” with a guy, then one day realize that he’s the one that has all the traits she wants and will go insane watching him date other women.

So I don’t know if folks think my analysis holds water. But I think it does. And I think that the key to overcoming one-i-tis is simply to accept that you deseperately want to be a protector, which is what caused the one-i-tis int eh first place, and that this woman however is not ready (and probably never will be) for you to play that full-time role with her.

Just like when a man tells a woman “I don’t ever want to have kids” – suddenly she loses all interest in the guy that only moments ago she was madly infatuated with.

We project what we want onto other people. It’s how the human mind works. We see them as bridges to the future life we want. For women that’s the role of mother and wife. For men that’s the role of Protector. It is deeply engrained in our psyche that those roles are where we actualize our greatest value and worth as human beings.

So the key to overcoming one-i-tis is to STOP seeing yourself as the protector of the woman you have it over. Now you can be mature and initiate this process once she has shot you down. OR, you can continue on being friends and eventually get super angry and feel like an “emotional tampon” – at which point you’ll probably call her every nasty name in the book.

This is also the reason that if you find yourself really attracted to a woman – ASK HER OUT. Find out right away whether there is potential there. If there isn’t STOP BEING HER PART TIME PROTECTOR! Because in the end you’ll just end up feeling like an emotional tampon.

So the choice is yours. It’s not just about spinning more plates, it’s about recognizing that this woman lacks the potential that you are looking for – she is NOT the bridge that you can use to cross over into the land of full-time protector.

Thoughts?

 

[Drum&Bass]

This describes a situation that happened to me recently, After going about it the way you say "stop seeing myself as her protector it did make things easier to accept."

Brilliant post!

 

[Jamo]

right

And one can conclude that if the source of protection is abruptly gone, then there is a chance that the woman might realize that she really wants/misses it.

Spinning plates really help even if they don't amount to anything-but it keeps your mind off a single woman. If she comes around in your absence, then all the better.

 

[joekerr31]

yep. theres usually an 80% chance (thats just my guesstamit) that the woman will rush back to you if you walk away while you are still considered her part-time protector.

but if you blow up and throw an AFC tantrum, you become an aggressor not a protector. at which point she strikes you off her list of potential full-time protectors.

heres the good news guys. 90% of the guys in the world are total AFCs. they act as the protector, but once they get the woman become possessive and controlling (mostly because being the protector was all an act, and they are worried that she will discover this and dump them. so they become controlling, the equivalent of a woman sh*t testing.)

they go from the knight in shinning armor to the dungeon master.

haha.

become a knight and women will fall at your feet.
J

 

[Heretolearn]

bible!

Brilliant post!

I think we can get some other great tips from this thread though.

PROTECTOR theory by Joe also explains some stupid behaviour by guys in relationships. I.e putting up with stupid ****. Why do we do it? That feeling that we 'have to for some reason' which may be the protector theory.

Also could help explain jealousy in those types of relationships. I.e protector does all the work but then the girl gives attention to others! Protector goes crazy.

I know many girls who have a recurring theme of relationships being that their partners ALL turned into ONEITIS big time.

I guess they feed off the energy until something better comes along like Joe said.


I started my last relationship as a normal person but turned into oneitis protector man by the end before being eliminated


QUESTION
--------------

How come guys like me have many successful LTR without oneitis then get it later in life? Is it because we are more disposed to 'settling down and finding the one'?

Is is because the other women were not oneitis inviting?

As for cures, SELF EVALUATION and DEVELOPMENT Is key. As Joe said, protectors put themselves there!
Ask yourself why you do the things you do and DIG DEEPLY MAN! It will hurt short term but you will find so much about yourself.

good luck

thank you Joe!

 

[joekerr31]

well oneitis is a necessary evil in the courtship of man and woman.

i mean, if you never got oneitis youd never get married right?

marriage is the definition of oneitis. haha.

so like i say, oneitis is only bad when its one sided. or when its applied in an immature manner (codependence is dysfunctional behavior when both people have oneitis).

with regards to your sister or your friend.

with regards to your sister, you will have a protective instinct over her until she gets married. If you dont odds are you've passed that responsibility off to dad. once she gets married then its hubbies job to be the protector.

as for your female friend who you dont find attractive you never become the protector because you know that you aren't going anywhere with her - that it will never turn into a full-time protector because you aren't attracted to her. you subconsciously know that it will be some other guys problem to handle.

also, please keep in mind that thsi theory is particularly applicable to guys over 25. when you are under 25 you got so much sh*t to worry about with just YOUR life that you aren't really seeking out the protector role.

once you get out of university, get a job, start making a way for yourself in the world, the protector side of you will come out more.

i think the protector is still there in younger years, although its usually expressed by immature emotions manifested in trying to control a woman (usually lots of anger and jealousy involved with it).

Yendor, on your question of how you can have an LTR but not get oneitis. odds are that the woman you are with is safely in your cave. you probably have no fears of her cheating on you or anything else.

oneitis generally strikes before or after a relationship. DURING the relationship you're just enjoying your status as full-time protector. its only when that role is prevented from emerging or when its been taken away, that you suddenly develop an obsession with trying to actualize it or regain it (whatever the situation may be).

oneitis is only an issue, and you'll only ever hear about it when a guy is failing to get a woman or a woman has left him. and what always precipitates the feeling is that the guy has take on the role as part time or full time protector.

in the scenario where he doesnt get the woman, shes usually confided a lot in him where he's taken on the part time role. when he's been in the relationship with her for a while, hes now the full time protector.

and my hypothesis for why guys get oneitis and cant let go is that IT IS NOT the woman herself that causes the oneitis. RATHER it is the role of protector that causes it.

as such, to overcome oneitis one merely has to overcome seeing oneself as the protect of some woman.

i suppose this is similar to the pedatle theory. except that ive always had a problem with the pedastle theory, because guys can get oneitis over a woman that they think is an absolute horrid b*tch.

the protector theory explains this. you see, she may be a b*tch, but that means she's in need of saving, of protecting her from herself. and she may be a b*tch, but i bet you anything at some point she confessed enough to the guy to give him enough of a glimpse into the person she "could" be, if only someone could protect her from herself.

guys are just so eager to become a protector that they overlook all of a womans bullsh*t. in fact, the more she bullsh*ts the more they want to protect her soemtimes. Which is why a guy can get stark raving furious at a woman but still "love" her.

anyway, i think the protector theory explains a lot of oneitis and also holds part of the key for moving on. recognize that its NOT the woman thats given you oneitis. I dont care how hot your chic is, there are a million more chics just as hot. what's got you stuck to her is that you see yourself as her protector.

in your subconscious mind you've flicked a switch that says you are responsible for protecting her. this also explains why guys let women get away with insane behavior and see nothing wrong with it. if their job is to protect her, then her craziness is yet one more thing they must protect her from.

haha. its pretty screwed up, but that's nature.

J

 

[joekerr31]

oh, one other thing.

this is also why a guy will try to steal anothers girl. cuz he sees that shes not happy, starts to think of himself as her protector, then actually sees his actions as noble.

haha.

absurd.

J

 

[Swoop]

Joe, I think you hit the roots of one-itis. After I read your brilliant post, I understand why I have one-itis for my coworker. When we met, she share alot of her bad experiences with exs. I felt like this girl needed my help, hence my role as the protector.

Knowing how one-itis starts, you can protect yourself from getting it with a girl you cannot have or isn't right for you.

 

[Heretolearn]

I love the post of turning oneitis to a passion.

I have always had an obsessive personality.

I started playing basketball and had to be the best. I made it to the highest level that I could. Same with martial arts. Business. Univeristy etc.

I get knocked down but am so committed and focused that nothing stops me.

Then I applied that to a woman and dug my grave very deep. I caused myself so much pain because of it.

Is this a bad thing? It is up to me, time and what I take from the experience. I shall let you know though

From every end, there is a beginning!

 

[RedPill]

Great post.

There are some excellent ideas here. It got me thinking about my past relationships, running them through the filter of this theory to get a different perspective, and it makes sense.

The ideas of the protector role in this thread got me to thinking about how every woman has protectors in her life. Often several protectors split the duty. It could be her father, brothers, boyfriends, older family friends, etc. It's my belief that once you've cemented yourself as the primary protector in her life, that's when you are truly in a committed relationship. I think the only way marriage can ever work is when she accepts you as 100% her protector. In my estimation, this is one large reason for marriage failure these days (aside from all the other societal ills mentioned in countless other marriage threads). There are too many women won't allow themselves to be protected. There are also many women who are looking for a mate that resembles their weak male role model father who let women control his life.

Of course, as we all know around here, live your life for you and your happiness. She has to live in your cave, not the other way around. Time and biology are on our side, not hers. What I'll be taking away from this discussion is how the degree of protector role you play in her life is a good barometer of relationship status. Much better than traditional indicators, such as how long you've been together or your future plans together.

I'm not saying "protector theory" is the theory to end all theories on women and relationships, but it's a very sensible explanation of the LTR dynamic that lies behind human courtship and oneitis behaviors.

 

[joekerr31]

well that is one of the negative outcomes of the feminist movement. this belief that women dont need men anymore. or that they are the dominent ones.

it never ever works. i mean, sometimes it works, if the man is prepared to be miserable all the time.

the natural order of things is that women's great strength is their emotions (in the form of nurturing) and a man's greatest strength is his clear headedness in the face of danger.

in a healthy relationship the woman acknowledges this as the man's strength and doesn't try to steal it from him. and the man recognizes the woman's strength and doesn't try to steal that from her.

in a dysfunctional relationship, the woman is the over bearing one who dominates the man and the man is the wimpy one who can't tie his own shoes and needs a woman to tell him what to do with his life.

its NOT natural. the woman ends up resenting the man for being weak, and the man resents the woman for being a b*tch. and the reality is that BOTH of them are causing the problem because each one is in a role that does not play to their natural strenghts.

sure, a woman CAN be dominent but she doesn't know how to handle that kind of power appropriately. it's like giving a bazooka to a 5 year old.

and sure, a man CAN be highly nurturing, but he also doesn't know how to truly handle that kind of power. its like sending a depressed person to a drill sargent for therapy.

none of any of this mens that men have to be termintor tough and women have to be airhead bimbos who just coo and caa over everything. both have to be tough, just in different ways.

as a man, wanting to be a protector is a GOOD thing. find yourself a woman who wants to be nurturing and you'll have a great time. don't mistake nurturing for low self esteem though. just like its tough for a man to be a good protector (versus just some controlling barbarian) so too its tough for a woman to be a good nurturer (versus just an emotional basket case).

so guys, understand that a lot of women have the roles reversed in their heads right now. which is ok. if you step up as the MAN, and be the protector, she might fight you a little at first, but will quickly feel very comfortable with teh dynamic.

IF however she doesn't, or shes got you as her part time protector, move on.

there are plenty of women out there that will appreciate you being the strong, caring, dominent man that you are. leave the ones who want to use your urge to become a protector against you, to manipulate you, to the AFCs of the world.

J

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Good post, but I think you're mischaracterizing ONEitis. While I do understand the protecotr dynamic and I fully agree with it, I think you need to differentiate between the two.

In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this 'soulmate.' So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religous doctrines as feminization of culture has spread. I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is diseminated and marketed in popular culture in media, music, liturature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE they were intended for.

You idea that men posess a natural capacity for protection has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but I think that ONEitis is not a byproduct of it. Rather I would set it apart from this healthy protector dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter. ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship - This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or they're my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or them to have my idealized relationship.

And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship entails? The very pollyanna idealized relationship- the "happily ever after" - that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they'll settle for.

The other problem I have with your theory is that it completely ignores the Cardinal Rule of Relationships:

In any relationship, whether romantic, business or familial, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to unquestioningly know that she is the only source of a man's need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding for both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself to believe is with the only person in his lifetime he's ever going to be compatable with there is nothing more paralyzing. The same of course holds true for women and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend.

The definition of power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster an understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. For far too long women have ego-invested themselves, and now men as well, in this mythology as a means to counter what at times I'm sure seems a hopless quest of an idealized relationship. It's much easier to believe that there's someone "out there" specially made to be with you than to constatly face the fear of rejection. To those who believe this saying that there is no ONE is like saying there is no God; it is perceived as iconoclastic and nihilistic, but it doesn't have to be.

I've been married for almost 10 years now and I definitely feel protective of my wife and daughter. I wont deny that I have an impulse to be the provider and counselor of my home, but I know damn well that as much as I love my wife and we are a 'good fit' that were she to die or leave for some reason that I could find another 'good fit'. I don't have a ONEitis insecure relationship with my wife and in fact I'd say that if I were to adopt this ideology nothing would drive her respect for my down more. In the absence of power the other person will assume the dominante role. For proven biological and psychological evidence, women want a man to be that protector you've defined here as well as the leader, the decision maker, the authority because of an overwhelming need for long term security. If a woman perceives that a man's ability to provide this security is in doubt, she will step into the vaccuum that he is unable or unwilling to assume. This is why you see the predominance of women as the 'head of household" these days; the husband can't be trusted to provide this security so she will grab the stearing wheel from him and drive the family. ONEitis is the single greatest contributor to this male sense of powerlessness.

 

[joekerr31]

thanks for taking the time to add to this thread.

i've always respected your posts, and yet again, you're words are definitely food for thought.

that said, i'll have to play a bit of tug of war with you here if you don't mind.

i don't agree that one-itis comes from peple idealistically thinking that a woman is "the one".

see, i think that is the myth, that the myth of "the one" exists. I think 99% of the men out there know that there are lots of women who can satisfy them, or who they can have relationships with.

yes, they will say things like "i think shes the one", but they aren't saying that they truly believe that there is only ONE woman in the whole universe for them.

I believe that what leads them to "the one" or one-itis, isn't the idea that there is just one. Rather, it is because this particular one has lit the fuse, one way or another, on their desire to be a protector.

now, keep in mind, im talking about single folks. with you and your wife, the dynamic would be different, because she has clearly validated your role as the protector. hence why your relationship is probably in good shape. note also, that i've said that when a woman clearly acknowledges that you are her primary protect that you won't feel "oneitis". You'll feel in love (when both parties have one-itis, I call it love. its a balanced state of mutual interest).

you only get one-itis when a woman isn't acknowledging you as her full time protector. which is why one-itis occurs either prior to a relationship, after it has broken up, OR in a relationship when one person doesn't trust the other and the FEAR of an eventual break up is present.

its NOT the woman that brings out this one-itis in the man. Precisely because all men know that at the end of the day they can go out and get another woman. I believe it is the deep seated desire to be a full time protector that creates the one-itis.

this is a pretty radical thought i know, because it has NOTHING to do with the woman. which seems fairly paradoxical "you're telling me that the reason im obsessed with her has nothing to do with her at all?"

Yep. That's my proposition. It only has to do with her to the extent that you have come to see yourself as her protector. You are probably in the role of part-time protector, desperate to become a full-time protector, and yet she won't let you assume the full time role. so you become obsessed with it - not HER, but rather the role!

which is why i have to for the time being disagree with the hypothesis that one-itis is actually about a mans idealistic wishes for a given woman to be the "one". I know that its the common view on the subject, but i disagree with it. I think its merely what a man tells himself because its the only way he knows how to express what he is going through.

whereas, at this point, strongly believe that the true cause of one-itis is the urge to become a protector.

just like a woman will become obsessed with a man that she wants to impregnate her. its not the MAN shes obsessed with, its the desire to become a mother - to acheive the height of her female role in this world - where she seems her value and life meaning as being the highest.

so when a man gets the protector urge, he will become obsessed with the woman that he sees himself taking that role on with. but its the role, NOT the woman thats causing the one-itis.

it also explains why men will let women treat them like absolutely sh*t. I mean, powerful, smart, men get played by women all the time. why? because they think she's the one? no. they will readily admit that she has poor morals, even call her a slut, but they still WANT her.

its not HER they want, its the role of protector. and she's likely done a good job of leading them down a path, ever so slowly, to where they think she NEEDS them as her protector. then they become all afc and she kicks them in the balls and they can't figure out what happened.

She wasn't looking for a protector, she was looking to attention, an ego boost.
to get that she played into his desire to become a protector.

anyway, its just my theory.

i very much appreciate the views you laid down. I also think that they are very very valid. but on the core source of one-itis i think i'll have to respectfully disagree.



J

 

[Sinistar]

A Protector or "To feel needed" ???

I think for many guys, when a woman starts opening up and confiding about past crap, current troubles, etc the dude at some deep level starts feeling "needed".

If she is very slow & deliberate to share information, anonymous and/or quite secretive about her past, her perceived "opening up" will really throw the insecure AFC into a false sense of being a unique high-level protector, more importantly he will feel as if she alone "needs him". This can set the hook especially deep.

And women know we are wired to be needed, to help fix things, to protect, provide, etc. The few good women out there won't exploit this, the many bad ones will and do.

The reason I differentiate "feeling needed" from protector or even the crappy Soulmate myth is that I believe in some cases ONEitis shows up without the guy believing he is her protector and a lot of us guys don't buy into the soulmate BS either. Yet the ONEitis still sets in.

Why? Because the AFC dude feels needed.

For awhile things are great. This *perceived" need misleads the dude into feeling overly secure in the situation. He starts to have (or change) expectations which now include her (ie bad, bad, bad).

And then blamo things start to go haywire. They go haywire because she starts throwing sh!t tests and his worst fear is twanged. That fear is the inverse of feeling needed (ie not needed) which is "rejection".

For guys who haven't come to terms with it yet, just the fear of rejection is enough to immediately hand her your pants, your keys and the checkbook. They timidly accept her hanging with ex's, not returning calls, treating them sh!tty, etc.

As the ONEitis gets worse, the dude will slowly shift more into a obsessive/insecure state (unhealthy jealousy, calling too much, over analysis,putting up with obvious crap, not listening to friends, dropping hobbies, etc).

Now take the guy which has his life figured out. He's got quality friends, enjoys his work, keeps busy, puts himself first and spins at least a few plates. This guy (ie DJ) has surely conquered his fears of rejection and doesn't fall into the trap of feeling needed and thus avoids ONEitis.

I believe ONEitis is a function of a unconquered fear of rejection which is initially masked by a false sense of feeling needed. For example, we know for sure they're not going to reject us while they talk about all the past stuff like we're their GF or something. In these situations, the woman is very likely (maybe 90%+) to want to be friends first and thus leads to all the LJBF posts where we reveal our stupidest AFC moments.

So ask yourself a question early on. If you are falling for her because you think she "needs you" watch out. This is a very deceiving and false sense of control. She is actually in the control (perhaps not evening knowing it) the entire time because our drive to protect her puts him at her whims.

And ask another important question. When a woman is opening up and sharing and a ton of crap comes out, the warning signs are probably all right there (LSE, insecurity, no trust, b!tchy, etc). It will lull you into thinking you're better than the last dudes, can save her, protect her, etc. You'll start thinking she "needs you" when you probably should have already "WALKED AWAY"

 

[joekerr31]

sinistar, great post.

i think we are slicing up the "protector" role though and labelling it "the need to be needed".

that is part of the protector theory. that we have this great need to be needed. you can't become the protector if you aren't needed.

but, why is the protector theory (in my mind, at this point) more encompassing than the "need to feel needed" element. for a simple reason.

there are plenty of guys out there who get oneitis for a woman, while half a dozen other girls may be dying to go out with him. why does he show no interest in them yet interest in just the "one".

if it were just to feel needed, he could get that from girls taht are shouting "I need you!".

the difference when one gets oneitis is that something in that woman has sparked his urge to be her protector.

he sees HER as needing his help. and he sees that need as his window of opportunity to seize the role of protector.

now, one might argue, why doesnt he just go and be a protector with one of the other women who wants him as a protector.

id argue that he hasn't developed the rapport with them to :

1) feel as though they truly need him (from what he can see, they just WANT him, which is very different than needing him)
2) he doesn't know enough about them to know that he can provide the things they need - ie. assume the protector role.

so its great that they like him, but he hasn't seen the angle by which he will be able to ascend to the protector role with them.

whereas the one he has oneitis for, he knows enough about her, or she has given him enough angles, that he can so easily see how he could ascend to be her full time protector if she would just let him.

thats my theory anyway. "feeling needed' is a part of the protector model, but its merely one component to the larger theory.

regardless though, i think you made a ton of excellent points. especially the point that if you find a woman telling you all kinds of personal things about past relationships, etc. to be careful.

thats a classic female behavior that leads a man into thinking of himself as her protector - ie. i can protect her like all those other chumps couldn't.

J

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Originally posted by joekerr31
Precisely because all men know that at the end of the day they can go out and get another woman.

Patently false. This forum wouldn't exist if this were the case and that's the danger of ONEitis - it singularly serves a woman's best interest in that it limits a man to thinking that he will never find his ONE if he misses out on her. This is made all the more efficient when a feminized society pre-conditions a young man through popular media to internalize this myth before he is able to act on it. For evidence of this look no further than the high school forum; it's chock full of AFC boys asking if "she's the ONE." The soulmate myth is yet one more social dynamic with the latent purpose of increasing the sexual selction prospect of women from a female perspective and also serves as a failsafe for infidelity. It increases her sexual viability in that it limits his while she decides from a list of ONEitis afflicted suitors and if a man fervently clings to his soulmate investment it (theoretically) decreases his desire to cheat on her. Continuous, constricting monogamy serves a woman's biological best interest in parental investment, not a man's of unlimited access to unlimited sexuality. In the absence of the religious disciplines that we see declining in society every day, this romanticized mythology becomes an even more important tool. I might ad that the soulmate myth is only one of many modern social conventions that serve this same purpose.

Originally posted by Sinistar
I believe ONEitis is a function of a unconquered fear of rejection which is initially masked by a false sense of feeling needed.

Exactly. It is far easier and more comfortable to maintain a ONEitis relationship, whether a woman reciprocates this or not, than it is to risk potential rejection. That's how powerful rejection is for a man, that he would miserably rather cling to a life damaging ONEitis than confront rejection.

 

[Sinistar]

Hey Joe, I overlooked the possibility of more than one woman available when ONEitis sets in. I believe in the end other women are irrelevant (as you pointed out too).

A Possible Sequence Of Events For ONEitis:

1.) The ONEitis starts because the guy probably isn't very confident or maybe doesn't have [m]any prospects or maybe even fear being seeing with woman that aren't perceived to be the 'best'. Put another way, for some reason (ie hollywood, buddies, etc) thinks he 'deserves' the best (best = looks/status only).

2.) He will then most likely find his way towards a woman with 'issues' (or does she find him!), one that needs rescuing. For him this is an easy/safe way in. No cold approach to the Hb9, that might be too risky. So he goes in as pseudo-friend / consultant. He knows this 'perceived' hot chick will not turn him down, in his mind he is now with her. First conscious mistake on his part.

3.) While she is using him as a tampon, he is unknowningly starting to believe they deserve each other. And the deservedness will quickly turn to unhealthy expecations (ie based on her, bad, bad, bad)

4.) He might want to think she is chasing him, but he knows deep down that he is now chasing her and will never be able to catch her. All his friends have warned him at this point, but he just doesn't want to believe it.

5.) By this time he is fixated on her, but its not too late to get out. Other women won't matter at this point, especially if they are chasing him. Remember, we tend to chase that which runs away from us. And earlier she set her hook right thru the muscle into the bone with her sharing her private/secret 'issues' about her last relationships, etc. His unhealthy urge to rescue, fix or protect will blind him to any other babes coming his way.

6.) Then some degree of intimacy is attempted, she backs away, maybe a LJBF, maybe outright dumps him. She now has all the perceived power because she does not want/need him intimately (or at all).

7.) Now its full-on ONEitis, his fear of rejection kicks in and this one is going the distance. Some obsessive behaviours start happening (calling too much, needy, wussy, clingy, subordinate, etc.)

8.) He knows he screwed, she can't stand it and dumps him because he's definitely not showing alpha behaviour.

9.) Blamo, his worst fear has just been self-fulfilled. He has been rejected.

10.) If the dude is smart, he'll learn from his mistakes and figure out what is at the root of his problems. If not, he'll become a monk for awhile and repeat the process thinking that scoring a 'perceived' hot babe will make up for everything.

Yeah, I agree a lot with your 'Protector' idea. It can be a way of deceiving ourselves into fixating that something is right when we know deep down that it is not ==> ONEitis.

 

[Ricky]

I have had oneitis all year after being dumped.

I think it's finally over.

I went to the city where my oneitis lived (since she didn't move to be with me)

I had a ****ing blast in the town, without her. I was there for 3 nights. Every night I met 1 or 2 women that were all over me.

I have numbers and probably could have gotten laid fairly easily with one of them had I not been staying with friends.

Funny thing is my oneitis was supposed to meet up with us and friends but she was sick. She missed out and called me to see how things went. I told her how great of a time I had. For the first time in several months i could see she was actually sad to miss out on the opportunity to hang with me.

Too bad she made her choices. She will have to live with them.

She's the one girl I might never completely close the door on, but I am finally feeling better about shutting it in her face now!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

SINISTAR: Excellent layout of the progression of ONEitis, however I would argue that it is one methodology to serve the purpose of ONEitis. You illustrate this very well in your second stage here. Playing a 'savior / martyr' role is one means to manifested ONEitis behavior and from a Protector role stand point I can understand this socially and biologically. It's very common. Men and particularly teenage boys will voluntarily engage in this mental schema from a biological basis (the Protector role), but also from a socialized, learned understanding that they 'ought' to identify as best they can with the target of their ONEitis in order to achieve her intimacy. So from a practical reasoning, ONEitis may be caused by both nature and nurture.

To the same degree that women have a natural propensity towards language and communication, men have the same with regards to rationality and problem solving skills. This said, it's no wonder that men would formulate elaborate schemes to solve the problem of gaining a woman's intimacy. It's really simple deductive reasoning, he thinks:

I need sex + women have the sex I want + women do not unconditionally give me sex + I must discover what women require in order to give me sex + I will poll them on what they require + I will adjust my behaviors to best fit these requirements = I will get sex.

Unfortunately this equation generally directs a man to identify more with his target's personae (which may not even be fully devloped at the time he is petitioning her) and de-emphasizes his devloping his own genuine personality. The ONEitis prone AFC's personality is generally the amalgam of all every woman has ever told him he needed to be in order to successfully meet a woman's conditions in order for him to achieve her intimacy.

Some men's methodologies may differ in this respect. One man may play the savior role and attempt to solve her problems and thus he expects she will reward him with her intimacy. Some times this comes in the form of finances and other times it comes as being the pseudo-masculine hard ass.

Another man may play into the LJBF negotiation/waiting game. If he only qualifies his value to her over the course of time she will realize he is in fact the ONE intended for her and she will reward him with her intimacy. Another methodology in this vein would be the surrogate boyfriend role, providing every expectation she would have from a boyfriend without reciprocating any intimacy.

Then there is the man who got what he wanted and received the intimacy of his ONE by being straightforward and masculine or even a Jerk, only to revert to AFC behavior in order to keep his ONE.

Lastly I think it's also important to consider the guy with an immature or stunted understanding of this protector mentality due to being raised by an overbearing (most often divorced) mother. A child is a composite of half their mother and half their father. A child that has learned to loath the side of his personality that is the masculine may never develop and/or hate the characteristics that make him masculine; among this protector instinct. Thus they see the ONE as validation of themselves in that they conform to this misguided feminine ideal that has been taught to them since childhood by supplicating more completely to women. I can think of at least two, 45 y.o. men I've counselled in the last year that would fit this definition; effectively moving from an oppressive, domineering mother to a wife that fills this same role. Each were reluctant to risk taking any authority back from thier wives for fear of losing their one soulmate.