Dealing with rejection in school...how to correctly "next"?

[harrison9876]

Long story short, I specifically kept myself out of the friend's zone (more of a school "acquaintance")...she always showed some signs of interest...after a few weeks in class, I asked her out and got her number. I am a pretty cool guy, so she sounded taken aback and surprised that I even asked her.

She immediately went out of country, so when setting things up after she got back, she revealed to me that she actually just broke up with her BF, and was still very hurt, and really did not want to go out (she basically wants to heal).

All good...

Kept her number as well as my distance.

The next week after class, she ends up inviting me for and early dinner between classes (not a date), and we have a great time. Flirtiness, and what still seemed to be signs of interest.

I figured I would still back off...let her come to me. But my overall feeling was to walk away on this one...soooooooooo...I tossed her number...

The next few weeks in class, she starts initiating more kino, hugs, etc...

I see a lot of guys all over her begging for her attention, so again, I keep my distance. She is always the one initiating with me...convo, physical contact, etc.

Last week in class, I get up to leave, smile, tell her to take it easy...and she stops me, and asks me to give her a hug before I go...she then gives me this long hug...and moans "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I'll see you in class next week?"

Does the word "friend's zone" come to mind?

There was a part of me that still wanted something more to be there...but my feeling was she just liked the fact that I liked her...

I show up in class today, and she approaches me. Tells me that her girl friend (who I also know casually)...wants to know if I want to come with them for dinner on Friday. So basically, me this girl, and her friend.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...???

I said yes...but I actually felt REALLY crappy...though it sounded fun hanging out with these 2 girls, that last thing I wanted to do was be another "girlfriend"...

During the break in class, she was heading to Whole Foods for something to eat, so I told her I would go with her...a few short minutes into the walk, I very playfully said:

"I have an amaaaaaaazing...and........waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better idea...rather than all 3 of us going out...how about you meet just me for dinner instead."

At that point I got "no".

Not a "hey...I do like you...but right now blah bah blah...ex boyfriend...blah blah..."

Just a "no"...like a "no...totally not interested in you", no.

Followed up by a "I just think you are really nice to talk to"

It actually hurt...man...did not expect that...

She then asked me AGAIN if I was coming with her and her friends on Friday night...told me it would be her, her friend, and some her friends girl friends...

???

Seriously?

A flat out public rejection, and she wants to know if I am still hanging out with her and her friends on Friday night?

One one hand...I am flattered...hanging out with a girl I like and all her "girl friends"...something sounded fun about that...seeing as I don't have many friend's here in LA, and boredom/loneliness is getting to me....

On the other hand...it just seemed like her wanting attention, and me being "another one of the girls"

I nicely told her "no, and though I appreciated her asking me...I was not really interested."

This conversation ended at an intersection...so I left it at that, and started headed back to class.

She is then disappointed that I am not going with them...disappointed I am NOT wanting to be "friends" with her...and on top...disappointed that I am not going to continue to walk to the store with her to keep her company.

"what...you are not going to walk with me to Whole Foods?"

??

At the end of class, I head out, keep my cool, don't pay her any attention...go on my way...and 1/4 of the way down the block, I hear my name being shouted. I turn around...it is her. She walks towards me...so I slowly walk back to her, and say, "wassup?"....

She comes over to me, and says:

"well...if you ever want to be friends...let me know."

She then gives me a hug.

??

This girl is young...early 20's.

Going forward, I plan to just go about my day in class. Prefer to stay away and keep my distance...there are a few other girls I would prefer to talk to anyway...

Any thoughts going forward?

TIA

Mike

 

[harrison9876]

well said...

A couple questions...

I assume the above is a classic case of AW? Don't really understand her obvious need to want to be friends with me. I am sure she really does like me as a person...but this seems it is more ego gratification than anything.

I always feel somewhat "immature" when in this position. Meaning that by not paying this girl the attention she wants, it will "come off" as ignoring her...which she could perceive as childish.

Thankfully, I only see this girl once a week...but is there a middle ground/mindset I should be in when this girl approaches me to "be friendly"...or "ask why I am not talking to her/making her feel like i am ignoring?"

Thoughts?

 

[LMFAO]

You played this right. Just act normally in class, remember she hasn't affected you in any way. Talking to other girls in class, just in a friendly kind of way, will make her want you more. Don't approach her nor sit next to her. Remember she rejected you with some BS excuse. She is probably just seeking validation, in which case withdrawing it from her is your only option. Don't pay attention to her. If her feelings change she'll approach you.

 

[nismo-4]

Easy, you talk to more women.

OP, she's upset you refuse to be her beta orbiter. Just don't act fazed and butthurt.

Case closed.

 

[Slickster]

I show up in class today, and she approaches me. Tells me that her girl friend (who I also know casually)...wants to know if I want to come with them for dinner on Friday.

She isn't interested in you. Her friend is.

Why else would her friend even mention you? Why else would she be putting pressure on you to come to dinner?

Regardless of whether you are interested in the friend I think you should go. She may have some other hot friend that you connect with. Who knows.

It's a good chance to chat up some other chicks and have some fun. I think this issue you seem to be having with being "another one of the girls" is your own insecurity. There's no rule saying you have braid each other's hair and only talk about makeup, boys and horseback riding. Would you actually feel better if there were other dudes there?

If I was you and there was still a chance I'd probably apologize and ask her if the invitation is still open. I'd be flirting with those other chicks heavy
(and any others we came across) right in front of her.

If you are single you should never just focus on one girl. It takes all your power away. When you have plenty of options a single "no" from any of them means nothing to you.

One of the best things you can learn is to NEVER EVER let a rejection phase you. Don't flinch. Not even a little bit. Just be cool and keep on talking.

Back when I was single and gaming there were many many times when I eventually got a girl who initially rejected me. It wasn't because I kept on trying and being persistent either. In fact quite the opposite. It was because I played things cool and showed that I didn't really care if she said yes. I was genuinely happy either way and it showed.

I've always hated the "next" theory because it shows weakness and that her rejection bothered you. To me it's a lie you are telling yourself to save your ego and not damage your confidence.

If you are truly confident and doing things right (ie. have options) a rejection doesn't hurt at all. You have a list of women in your head that you are actively gaming. The ones showing the highest interest are at the top and deserve the most attention. The ones that reject you merely go to the bottom of the list. You will be amazed at how many times they will eventually come around. I've had girls come to me years after the fact and tell me they regretted rejecting me. Always when I had another girlfriend. I'd just smile and say "maybe someday". Always leave 'em hanging.

Good luck.

 

[harrison9876]

I know her friend casually, and she has a long distance BF who she is on the rocks with....I am also not interested in her.

The thought of hanging out and pivoting to another did cross my mind...heavy flirting with other girls in front...but at that moment, it was not something I was interested in.

but there is nothing for me to apologize for...calling her up and "apologizing"...for what? Not wanting to hang out? For telling her I am not really interested in being friends with her?

All the pivoting and flirting with other girls in front of her I can do in class...

Yes, there is a part of me that regrets the entire conversation & wish it never happened.

I thought process of "nexting" has many subtle layers. To some people it is completely not talking to this person and walking away...

I do not view it as that, per se.

She knew from Day 1 my interest in her was more than "just a friend"...hell...she knew straight up. Her asking me for dinner a few weeks ago...flirting with me and expressing interest...then asking me to hang out with her and her friends...the entire time having ZERO interest in me doesn't really seem like a "fair" way of treating someone...subconscious or not.

I see the way other guys orbit around her, and how she laps up all the attention, knowing she has ZERO interest.

I am not, and will not, be one of those guys.

If you can clarify what you mean by "apologizing", I would be greatfull...because now I am starting to feel like I am acting immature little boy.

Mike

 

[thunder_god]

I don't necessarily think you did anything wrong, however I would have went to that party so that I could hit on her friends. Who knows, maybe she has hotter friends. Also if she sees you flirting and hitting on her friends while not giving her any attention, it will eat her up inside and she will try to get your attention by chasing you again. It causes competition anxiety for women. Just because you go to the hangout with her and her friends doesn't make you her beta orbiter. When you start chasing her and doing things for her and not getting anything in return thats when you turn into a beta orbiter and if that's the case I would just walk away forever.

 

[Slickster]

I know her friend casually, and she has a long distance BF who she is on the rocks with....I am also not interested in her.

The thought of hanging out and pivoting to another did cross my mind...heavy flirting with other girls in front...but at that moment, it was not something I was interested in.

but there is nothing for me to apologize for...calling her up and "apologizing"...for what? Not wanting to hang out? For telling her I am not really interested in being friends with her?

All the pivoting and flirting with other girls in front of her I can do in class...

Yes, there is a part of me that regrets the entire conversation & wish it never happened.

I thought process of "nexting" has many subtle layers. To some people it is completely not talking to this person and walking away...

I do not view it as that, per se.

She knew from Day 1 my interest in her was more than "just a friend"...hell...she knew straight up. Her asking me for dinner a few weeks ago...flirting with me and expressing interest...then asking me to hang out with her and her friends...the entire time having ZERO interest in me doesn't really seem like a "fair" way of treating someone...subconscious or not.

I see the way other guys orbit around her, and how she laps up all the attention, knowing she has ZERO interest.

I am not, and will not, be one of those guys.

If you can clarify what you mean by "apologizing", I would be greatfull...because now I am starting to feel like I am acting immature little boy.

Mike

Mike,

It's tough to give specific advice on any situation like this because only you were there and know the exact details and vibe of the actual conversation.

By "apologize" I meant apologize for turning down the dinner invite and ask if it's still a possibility. I didn't mean apologize for how you acted or not wanting to be friends. Nothing serious just a quick "Hey, sorry I turned down that dinner invite, if it's still on I'd love to come."

However, it does seem as though you acted hurt by her rejection and she probably picked that up. That's not ideal and it probably hurts your chances moving forward. Learn from this and remember next time to blow off the rejection and just keep talking as though it never happened.

Of course its not fair that women lead guys on through flirting, etc. but don't expect that to ever change. You need to get a thicker skin and stop taking things that women say and do seriously. Flirting and gaming chicks should be light and fun. Things like asking for her number, a date, going for a kiss or even more are a man's tools to cut through the bullsh!t and find out what her interest level really is. Chicks who respond positively to these things get the majority of your attention and the ones who don't get moved to the bottom of the list or forgotten completely. Never get sucked in by a woman's flirty behaviour. Play along and have fun with it but always have your guard up. Women don't play fair and don't expect any courtesy. Be a strong man in control of your feelings, emotions, and desires. When you do you'll quickly notice how the tables begin to turn. You will be the one leading them on and they will be the ones chasing you.

Good luck.

Slick

 

[Poop1337]

I think you played it too safe and you shouldn't be trying to have dinner a lone with her truly beta. I say you try to get alone with her even by trick and put the moves on her. You should have grabbed her ass when she gave you the long moaning sexual hug. You're trying to be too will you date me will you be more than friends with me. This is a sloot and you are getting oneitus.

 

[harrison9876]

Well...

Looking back...yeah...sheeeeeet...I should have kept it cool, accepted the invite and move on.

okay...yes...I screwed up a bit...regret the convo. Wished it never happened.

I texted her yesterday...told her, "hey...give me a call today when you can". I did not text her the reason I was contacting her - it was basically just to see if the plans were still on, invite etc.

Never heard back.

Just to clear the air a bit, I followed up with a call today and left a message along the lines of what you suggested.

Not really expecting a call back, or the invite to still be there...but...I felt okay doing it, and it keeps things a bit more peaceful when i see here in class on Tuesday.

Either way, I'll keep my distance, move on, and will spend my time with the other girls in class.


TIA

Mike

 

[Igetit!]

Honestly dude....you made a few mistakes here.

Ok,maybe MORE than a "few". Looks like you got tripped up by not adhereing to the old Sosuave rule of "Don't go by what women SAY,go by what they DO.

That's one mistake. The other problem here was logicstical,meaning it kinda wasn't your fault,wasn't really much you could do about it.


Let's look at a couple things.....

Long story short, I specifically kept myself out of the friend's zone (more of a school "acquaintance")...she always showed some signs of interest...after a few weeks in class, I asked her out and got her number.

You started out pretty good here. You asked her out,got her number....so far,so good. Don't know why you did it "after a few weeks",but you DID make your interest known,so you're all good on that.

She immediately went out of country, so when setting things up after she got back, she revealed to me that she actually just broke up with her BF, and was still very hurt, and really did not want to go out (she basically wants to heal).

All good...

Kept her number as well as my distance.

Ok,look at this. Honestly,I would have done the exact same thing. You asked her out,then when you tried to set things up,she told you she'd just broken up with her boyfriend,was still hurt,didn't really want to go out,in essense,just wanted time to heal. And your response was to keep your distance.

I 100% agree with you there....I would have backed off too.


Now.....HERE'S WHERE you started slipping up by not recognizing things...

The next week after class, she ends up inviting me for and early dinner between classes (not a date), and we have a great time. Flirtiness, and what still seemed to be signs of interest.

I figured I would still back off...let her come to me.

SHE INVITED you out for dinner...
You two had a great time...
She was flirting with you...
And she was giving you what appeared to still be signs of interest...


She did ALL THAT. And what was your response?


"I figured I would still back off...let her come to me."

She was inviting you out,flirting with you,giving you IOIs,and your reaction was to back off. You say you wanted to back off and let her come to you.


DUDE......all that sh1t that she just did......that WAS HER COMING TO YOU. You just didn't recognize it.


She did all that.....AFTER telling you she was hurt and didn't want to date right then.

She invited you out...AFTER telling you she didn't want to date.
She flirted with you...AFTER telling you she didn't want to date.
She gave you IOIs....AFTER telling you she didn't want to date.


You went by what SHE SAID instead of her actions.


I would have been flirting,teasing,complimenting,making sexual innuendos,and making passes at her. "You mean even after she said she just broke up with her BF and was still dealing with the hurt?"

You DAMN right. Cause my flirting,teasing,and making passes would have been in response to HER ACTIONS...not her words.



Now look at this....

The next few weeks in class, she starts initiating more kino, hugs, etc...

So over the next few weeks (WEEKS,WEEKS.....WEEKS) she starts giving you EVEN MORE IOIs. And your response?....

I see a lot of guys all over her begging for her attention, so again, I keep my distance.

She gave you even more IOIs than before,so you AGAIN go back to keeping your distance. And this was over a period of WEEKS.

She is always the one initiating with me...convo, physical contact, etc.

So she was trying....and trying...and trying......while you continued to keep your distance.

Last week in class, I get up to leave, smile, tell her to take it easy...and she stops me, and asks me to give her a hug before I go...she then gives me this long hug...and moans "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I'll see you in class next week?"

Does the word "friend's zone" come to mind?

Does the word "friendzone" come to mind? Well at this point,why wouldn't it?

She spent WEEKS and WEEKS and WEEKS flirting,initiating contact,giving you IOIs,even invited you out to dinner. And what did you do?

"I kept my distance".


Hey,sorry.......the sh1t can't go on forever. My guess is she got TIRED of putting in all that fruitless effort,and maybe one of all those other guys who was showing her attention caught her eye.


I mean what.....what'd you want her to do....to keep showing interest while you kept "keeping your distance"???

I show up in class today, and she approaches me. Tells me that her girl friend (who I also know casually)...wants to know if I want to come with them for dinner on Friday. So basically, me this girl, and her friend.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...???

I said yes...but I actually felt REALLY crappy...though it sounded fun hanging out with these 2 girls, that last thing I wanted to do was be another "girlfriend"...

Well I know you didn't want to become one of her "girlfriends",but what else was there for you to do? What,like date her? How?

How could she date someone who REPEATEDLY kept keeping their distance from her?

Just a "no"...like a "no...totally not interested in you", no.

Followed up by a "I just think you are really nice to talk to"

Well women look for value in a man. She FIRST sought out sexual/dating value,but because of you repeatedly "keeping distance",she found none.


Apparently,you two have nice talks and discussion,so THAT was the value she found.

It actually hurt...man...did not expect that...

Really? Well what DID YOU EXPECT...after weeks and weeks and weeks of her showing interest while you kept holding back and keeping your distance?

On the other hand...it just seemed like her wanting attention, and me being "another one of the girls"

You may be right. But it DIDN'T START OUT that way.

She is then disappointed that I am not going with them...disappointed I am NOT wanting to be "friends" with her...and on top...disappointed that I am not going to continue to walk to the store with her to keep her company.

"what...you are not going to walk with me to Whole Foods?"

??

Well of course she's disappointed. Probably confused too. You spent all that time talking to her,chatting,soaking up all her IOIs,and NOT ONCE did you return any interest. You're supposed to strike while the iron is hot.

Well I'm sorry,but WEEKS AND WEEKS AND WEEKS after meeting someone isn't "striking" time.

And you said you thought she was an AW. ::crackup::


YOU messed up. You listened to her "just broke up with my boyfriend" line INSTEAD OF responding to her IOIs. Now you're friendzoned.

And I suppose you think it's HER fault.....

 

[harrison9876]

Nah, I disagree with you there.

I got her number and asked her out 3 days before she was going back to SPAIN. I did not know she was even going.

While in Spain for 3 weeks, she tried to get her ex-BF back who she was in love with. This was also the first and ONLY BF she has ever had. They met up, he told her he never wants to see her again...ever.

So the 3 week delay was due to the fact she was in Spain for 3 weeks...

The day she got back from Spain, I immediately approached her, and tried to set up a date. She shot me down...told me she was not interested as something bad happened in Spain with her ex (him telling her to fvck off)...and she does not want to go out with anyone.

Period.

The week after that, is when she asked me to hang out between classes. Though there was flirting...it was light...she also TALKED about her BF! Gave me the full details about what happened, how he treated her, how much she was in love with him etc. and regardless, she told me DIRECT...TWICE...at this get-together that she does not want to date anyone or get involved with anyone.

Period.

I only see this girl once a week. Sure she approaches me in class, but not for convo - for a hug - nothing else. She is always around her best friend, like they are tied at the hip, and gives off a vibe that she does not WANT anyone approaching her or talking to her.

"Keeping my distance" is not me avoiding her...it is me "not chasing her"...

Talking shyt about how I supposedly "fvcked up" becasue she was giving me some sort of signal she was interested is nonsense...

if a girl is interested in a guy, she is not going to change her mind due to the fact that over a courses of 2-3 weeks, I did not ask her out again...especially after she repeatedly told me she was not interested in dating someone.

Anyway...she texted me back after I left the voice mail.

Plan is the same...move on and work other girls...

Mike

 

[stevo]

Too much confusion going on.

Although you already agreed to go to the dinner thing, I think you were better off not going. You're either fcuking her or you're not,you're not looking for friends and definitively not to be the dude with 4 girls when you're not fcuking any of them, that's what they have gay friends for.

Anyways not to confuse your mind frame any more, go on the date, act normal don't flirt too much it comes off as you trying hard to make her jealous, she might want to show you off to her friends to get their approval.

After the break up it seems she really needed a man to show her affection without any emotional reward on her part, you can't give me a hug consistently and shoot me down for asking you out on a date, I'm a red blooded man. You did well making your intentions clear.

If you'll get this girl, you'll have to take it slow but for the sake of your mental state, see other girls not in the same class as this chic, go out and get numbers!

Does she text you/any convo during the week or does she only give you attention in class?

 

[harrison9876]

yeah...tell me about it.

The dinner get together was cancelled, as some of the other girls could not show. Had the previous diss not happen on Tuesday, I would have told her that her and I should get together anyway...but backed off in this case as I think it would have come across badly. She said for sure next time.

We ended up exchanging a few texts. I injured my hand in boxing yesterday, so we chatted a bit about that, she asked if I was alright etc.

It was like the other day never happened...odd.

She approaches and gives me attention before class, and after. But she is always around her best friend during...it is like they are conjoined twins...never apart. Hard to approach or have decent convo one on one. She actually gives little to NO attention to anyone else. She is so damn quiet, she gives off an "I do not want anyone to talk to me" vibe. So it makes me not even want to approach her, as it is a bit of a depressing energy. Once you actually get into convo with her, she is really cool. I called her once on it during that early dinner get together I had with her a few weeks ago. She said that a most of the time, she "likes to be alone"...told her straight that it does not come off as that...it comes off as "everyone get the fvck away from me". - which is a different vibe. She was surprised at that. But it is also the reason why I don't approach her very often.

There is a hot Aussie who I met before class on Tuesday - not in my class...another one at the same time. She just moved here...she actually came over and introduced herself to me...will get her number when I see her next.

TIA...



Mike

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Alright bro, I know this sounds a lot more simple than you think, but that is because it is. If you still wanna get it in with this girl (you should probably just awkwardly stare at her when she tries to talk t you without saying a word, but that's just my opinion), then you should use more kino. One of the best way to get sunshine girls (AWs or chicks like these) is to use kino. At least in my experience anyway.

 

[ThaMack]

u still in school tell her baby the trill is gone. i wish u well and move on. live on u to young to be serious its a billion chicks out here u gotta throw that fish back. they not all keepers

 

[devilkingx2]

forget about dating this girl, but don't burn any bridges, she might make a decent friend

at the very least she might have some hot single friends who'll want your D that you can get to meet