Dealing with jealousy?

[starplayer]

I haven’t been on here for a couple of months and I have to say the break has felt very good. I think everyone needs to get away from this place every now and then. It’s healthy and it helps you gain perspective on the importance of women and where they fit into your life. I honestly wish I didn’t need this forum but sadly I still do and probably will for a long time to come.




Anyway... I’m basically looking for tips on how to deal with jealousy. This is especially regarding an ex or a girl who you lost, and when you see her with a new guy. This is regardless of whether she is trying to provoke you or whether she has genuinely moved on.

I know not to show any reaction in front of her and keep your cool (which is sometimes easier said than done). But what about the times when you’re alone and thinking of them together? This is more about dealing with my feelings of hurt and anger. I actually feel more defeated than angry in this case.

Yes, it is oneitis.
Yes, I am being a wuss.
No, I won’t be spinning more plates anytime soon.
No, I don’t ever want her back.

I feel like my confidence has taken a hit and I’ve totally lost the player mindset. It’s like my attitude and edge which girls were attracted to has gone. I’m in my biggest dip since finding the community almost 2 years ago, and there’s no immediate end in sight due to other circumstances.

I know in the long run I’ll get over it and be back on top of my game and bang other girls. I know once I get through this I will come out stronger on the other side. But does anyone have tips on how to deal with this jealousy in the short term?

 

[konig87]

You invested time in this post, and you already addressed most of the typical spin more plates replies.

One thing you should remember is that if you fill your time with other activities you won't have time to dwell on this chick.

Step 1: Don't let yourself see her with this guy. I don't have the exact story but if you have any contact with her cut it now, remove facebook friend, delete #, avoid her hangouts, avoid this guy and his hangouts etc. (this is one is probably obvious to you)

Step 2: Time to fill up your schedule. You said your over chicks right now? Thats cool, I understand, but time to man up and get some hobbies. Go to the gym more frequently, pickup some new hobbies, contact your homies and get involved, all these things will help you out.

RANT:

I started from AFC and super shy and wanted to change starting this past 6 months. Did I decided I'm gonna go game chicks for my first step? Hell no, I decided to do all the things my AFC self wouldn't let me do...Salsa Dancing, Gym 3 days a week, new hobbies/sports, attending all social invitations. I made these required things to fill my time and to relieve my AFC desperation.

Now as far as Jealousy, its a weird subject. My current relationship, the girl has mostly guy friends, and she is constantly telling me about them and all her adventures with them and how she was hanging out with 8 guys at a party and she was the only girl. AFC self? I woulda freaked out. New self? I assume these guys r ****, no game, losers, and that the fact that she has to tell me all these things and is hanging out with me proves that I am the catch here.

She texted me while hanging out with 8 guys (AKA she missed me even tho she was surrounded haha) - and i replied "is your mouth full?" lol.

In your case, If you haven't already re-read DOC LOVE the System. Love the **** out of that book.
Hope this helps.

 

[Reckoning]

Our situations are very similar, and I often get myself in a tough spot, getting upset about the smallest things she does with other guys, not to mention dying a little bit on the inside every time I see something more going on. No amount of "plates" or whatever can get rid of that feeling for you.

One thing I found is, the feeling weakens over time, just like any emotional response. Fill your schedule, don't go out places where there's a high chance you'll see them.. I don't know man, if you have any advice for me when it comes to this, share it, cause I'm in the same spot...

 

[Bluntmaster]

You invested time in this post, and you already addressed most of the typical spin more plates replies.

One thing you should remember is that if you fill your time with other activities you won't have time to dwell on this chick.

Step 1: Don't let yourself see her with this guy. I don't have the exact story but if you have any contact with her cut it now, remove facebook friend, delete #, avoid her hangouts, avoid this guy and his hangouts etc. (this is one is probably obvious to you)

Step 2: Time to fill up your schedule. You said your over chicks right now? Thats cool, I understand, but time to man up and get some hobbies. Go to the gym more frequently, pickup some new hobbies, contact your homies and get involved, all these things will help you out.

RANT:

I started from AFC and super shy and wanted to change starting this past 6 months. Did I decided I'm gonna go game chicks for my first step? Hell no, I decided to do all the things my AFC self wouldn't let me do...Salsa Dancing, Gym 3 days a week, new hobbies/sports, attending all social invitations. I made these required things to fill my time and to relieve my AFC desperation.

Now as far as Jealousy, its a weird subject. My current relationship, the girl has mostly guy friends, and she is constantly telling me about them and all her adventures with them and how she was hanging out with 8 guys at a party and she was the only girl. AFC self? I woulda freaked out. New self? I assume these guys r ****, no game, losers, and that the fact that she has to tell me all these things and is hanging out with me proves that I am the catch here.

She texted me while hanging out with 8 guys (AKA she missed me even tho she was surrounded haha) - and i replied "is your mouth full?" lol.

In your case, If you haven't already re-read DOC LOVE the System. Love the **** out of that book.
Hope this helps.

Why are you allowing your girl to have so many guy friends? You should have set that boundary in the beginning of your relationship. Should be unacceptable. You keep turning a blind eye to her hanging out with guys, her mouth will be full of one of them soon.

 

[konig87]

LOL. I guess I should have defined my relationship - we are "dating" and have been for a couple months. This was in the beginning when she wasn't sure what we were. Its still pretty ambiguous now but we are more public about our interests in each other. If she was to get her mouth full and break it off with me right now...id be pretty meh about it. I'm a busy man, i dont c this very LTR anyways. I'm leaving at the end of the summer anyways

 

[starplayer]

Thanks for the replies guys. So I guess the best thing to do is stay busy. And of course time heals all wounds.

I have been total NC with her. She's on the edge of my social circle so it's difficult to avoid her completely but I try my best. I should never have got oneitis for this girl in the first place but it's happened now and I have to deal with it.

I recently saw her for the first time with the new guy. I didn't say a word to her and we barely made eye contact. But he had his hand all over her ass the whole time and it made me feel sick inside. It was hurting bad but I tried to put a brave face on it. But one of my friends realized something was wrong with me so I guess she could have seen it too.

I think the oneitis spell is wearing off a bit because when I saw her for the first time in ages she didn't even look that hot compared to how I remember. And her personality sucks - I thought she was one of the nicest girls when I first met her but since then I realized she's one of the worst. It was all an act.

I will get over her but until then I gotta stick it out. I guess this is the worst thing that can happen with her. This sort of thing builds character right lol? At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Thanks again.

 

[konig87]

A good attitude like that will do you wonders. Keep it up!

 

[Groovy]

There isn't a quick fix to your problem. If you don't accept this for now you'll end up in ever more pain. You have to accept the fact that you are jelous. It's not that bad itself, you are probably just worryed that your ex will see you and will "loose attraction". And you "loose value". It happens to everyone. It doesn't mean you're not a "don juan". It happens to the best. Doesn't mean you're somehow a worse guy overall...

So don't feel bad about it. Accept it for now! don't be worryed that someone sees you jelous. Cmon, I bet that most people would be. It's totally understandable! If your ex doesn't get this then screw it... Don't hide it. Don't be ashamed of it either. For me, this makes it like 80% better, if I am trying to hide it or not feel it, it is much worse and it stalks me for more time.

Be happy for your ex that she found another guy. You don't want her to suffer ? Try imagining how bad that is...

Being jelous isn't attrative to women (Right?) but it isn't something to be ashemed of... Even if you don't get women because of it, nvm, be patient and work on your self esteem, youll have plenty in the future. There are many out there, so if you loose "that one" who cares? All people are special in their own way, and there are plenty of hot girls out there, that is for sure. If your oneitis doesn't like you or something, then that's no problem, as long as you like yourself. I personally think that all people are equal and have their value, no one is better then anyone, it's basiclly all preferences. (Can't explain it that well). If she doesn't see you as valuable doesn't mean you aren't. After all, you have your value, and you're the one who knows yourself better... If she doesn't see you as a cool guy, why bother? That is her problem not yours...

So
1) Don't be ashemed of it or try to hide it, since it is normal and doesn't mean you're a "wuss" somehow.
2) There are more girls out there so no problem...

Just don't feel inferior somehow...

I cann say that I used to be super super jelous (really) but I've managed to overcome it, I think. I almost am not jelous anymore or anything... Even if I am, it's no problem to me since it goes right away. It's cool!

It did take me like lots of time, in the beggining it can be very very hard but you'll get used to not being jelous and everything will fall into place and be smooth, as long as you keep thinking. It does take lots of time, since you're used to being jelous, it's like an automatic body reaction (Can't describe it better), to change that it will take time and more time... Until it becomes unconsicous.

It can take many months I wouldn't be surprised that that... And to overcome anything, anxiety, fear, anger, that all can take much time. So if you had a onetitis for like 3 years don't expect it to go away after reading a post, or after one day... Expect it taking months and months. I think it makes sence, because if you're used to thinking about one girl all day long, you do it unconsicously, so to change that, it's not simple.

BTW, I don't think about my oneitis like she is a bad person... I think she is great. I first also looked for flaws in her to forget her, but I realize now that she isn't better then anyone, or worse then anyone... Everyone is equally "good", some are more fun, some are less, but all have their value... All can be appreciated, despite of some behaviour like a girl hanging around with 3 guys, I still don't place her below other people... CAn't explain it too well.

 

[Effington]

I like the responses here and I think you've made a very well-written post. I also love how you've anticipated many of the responses that are generally not that helpful.

I agree that the key thing to do is to keep yourself busy. Work harder at your job, work out more, learn a new song on the guitar, etc. As odd as it sounds, it's the same things I did to help quit smoking.