Dealing with depression

[runner83]

Judging from the responses from the other guys, it seems like we all go through phases like this at times.

I know I do.

But if it continues for a long time, you need to get professional help.

It is difficult, since it is bred into us men from thousands of years of evolution to be independent (in the past, men who suffered from depression, rather than being helped by women, were ruthlessly kicked to the kerb and as a result they did not pass their genes on).

Honestly, I don't know how you blokes who live in places where there is a long winter with not a lot of light can do it. Here, if there's more than a few days of rain, I start to get it bad.

It may be related to the weather, so hopefully gets better once you move into spring.

Remember, when a pretty young girl commits suicide, it's a tragedy.

When a young man commits suicide, it's a statistic. Whatever you do, don't become a statistic.

Good luck!

 

[Zunder]

Judging from the responses from the other guys, it seems like we all go through phases like this at times.

I know I do.

But if it continues for a long time, you need to get professional help.

It is difficult, since it is bred into us men from thousands of years of evolution to be independent (in the past, men who suffered from depression, rather than being helped by women, were ruthlessly kicked to the kerb and as a result they did not pass their genes on).

Honestly, I don't know how you blokes who live in places where there is a long winter with not a lot of light can do it. Here, if there's more than a few days of rain, I start to get it bad.

It may be related to the weather, so hopefully gets better once you move into spring.

Remember, when a pretty young girl commits suicide, it's a tragedy.

When a young man commits suicide, it's a statistic. Whatever you do, don't become a statistic.

Good luck!

Dont agree Runner about depressed people being kicked to the kerb in past. Some of the greatest warriors and some of the most ruthless men in history had depression. From Caligula, to Khan, to Churchill...........

 

[runner83]

Dont agree Runner about depressed people being kicked to the kerb in past. Some of the greatest warriors and some of the most ruthless men in history had depression. From Caligula, to Khan, to Churchill...........

Yes good point.

What I meant was those men who could not get over it....but it may not have been their fault.

There is no shame in getting help if you need it.

 

[Treetz]

I feel ya'll.. here's some links that helped me:

How to deal with negative emotions

Social Skydiving how to meet people

Overcoming Loneliness

Hope this will motivate you as much as it did me! Stay strong!

 

[romangod]

But I wold suggest, as Wayne Dyer does, to cultivate the Spiritual Dimension.


You have to just try to do the things you find fun and interesting to you.

And you have to work on finding fulfillment in the things you enjoy.


Life is managed, not cured.



Good luck.

I totally agree with Interceptor. Man's spiritual side is the one that is neglected yet causes the most trouble when it rebels. We are of mind, body and soul. The soul is the one that gets forgotten as our ego pushes it aside.

I've been through a lot as some of you know. My spirit was the most important aspect of overcoming my fears. In that spirit I decided that courage is the trait that would carry me forward. It has served me well.


To infinity and beyond! :woo:


Cheers!

 

[DMEDFISIK]

Wow, tough! I don't know what to tell you. Just try to make the best of things. School gets me by, I lift weights, play soccer with friends, play my keyboard and make beats (I love music). I also hang out with a few friends. I have a supportive network of girls that are strictly my friends who provide a kind of feminine bulwark for me and encourage me.

With a positive outlook on life and the thought of a hopeful future, I remain an optimist.

People hardly mention this--apparently it's not seen as cool, but pray. It will help too. At least for me it does.

 

[5string]

Wow, stay strong man.

I never thought so many men have problems like that.

They do Hikapo. More than you know. Men just don't let it out as much. Gotta hand it to Colossus for reaching out.

That's one of the things I like about this site. Alot of guys on here really do care about others.

 

[Die Hard]

I definitely know where the OP and others in this thread are coming from.

But I'm not going to share more on it, coz I'm done thinking/talking/sharing. I'm only in the business of DOING nowadays, and what I DO is the following: I overcome hardships. Just like a damn weight in the gym. I don't stand there and analyze it, I don't think about how heavy it is or how tough it will be to lift the thing or whether I'm even able to lift it. My mind doesn't concern itself with the weight in any way at all.

I just pick up the damn thing and lift it...

 

[Die Hard]

I know the easy forum answer is to spin more plates, work on yourself, etc, etc…but this isn’t a lack of effort problem. If I had plates to spin I would be spinning them! Just in really low valley right now. Thanks guys.

So...you say it isn't a lack of effort problem. Then what is it? And don't tell me "I dunno" coz you DO know, it just won't come to mind right now.

 

[Atom Smasher]

So...you say it isn't a lack of effort problem. Then what is it? And don't tell me "I dunno" coz you DO know, it just won't come to mind right now.

Die Hard,

I think the answer is undetected or unrecognized conflicts in beliefs. Somehow there is a conflict between one belief and another, they remain invisible to the person, and hence he becomes paralyzed. Similar to a computer that freezes up when two different threads try to access the same memory location.

There are a few areas in my life where I am not doing so well and I am still abslolutely stymied as to why I can't get those things together. In those few areas, I experience a sort of paralysis where no amount of willpower will enable me to take action on it. It drives me crazy, because I have always been just like you all my life, saying, "Stop analyzing, just do it!"

The key is the herculean task of trying to identify what exactly the conflict is. Sometimes I think it is simply a matter of perspective, similar to standing so close to a painting that you can't see what the subject actually is.

Just out of curiosity, is there any area of your life where you can't figure out why you don't do better with it? I'm asking in the interest of exploring the topic; I'm not trying to prove any point. You sound like a "just get 'er done" kind of guy, and I wonder if you have any kind of isolated issue(s) that you can't quite get a handle on.

 

[Demodulate]

Going through this period myself..

Graduated with my MBA last year, had the girl I always wanted, I was moving up rank in jiu jitsu, house, car, etc.. felt like life was on track.. but she left, I got injured needing shoulder surgery and I now find myself without a direction/path/purpose.. I go tot work, go to PT, and go home.. I am unhappy with my life. I cant work out, I have poor social skills, and I am suffering a case of oneitis all over again.

I need something to be working towards.. and I don't have that now... I feel adrift.. no purpose..

I cant wait for my shoulder to be healed up and get back to jiu jitsu.. 5 more months..

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Dont agree Runner about depressed people being kicked to the kerb in past. Some of the greatest warriors and some of the most ruthless men in history had depression. From Caligula, to Khan, to Churchill...........

Not to change the subject, but could we not compare Caligula to great leaders of all time? Caligula was an insane and degenerate pervert, the only women he slept with were his own sisters. He is not a role model for anybody.

Interestingly, it is surmised that he lost his sanity from drinking wine out of lead pots. In his time, Romans thought lead made the wine taste better.

But yes, I agree with the point that the greatest and most successful people in history have almost always been forced to undergo extreme hardship and loss before they "arrived". Napoleon was born a peasant, Caesar came from a prominent family that was beset by poverty, Lincoln was a "nobody from nowhere" before he became the greatest President in US history, JK Rowling was living in a car when she wrote Harry Potter, Jim Cramer lived in a car before going on to become a hedge fund billionaire.

I know, a random assortment of unlikely heroes, but we see it time and time again: it is our struggles that make us.

 

[Colossus]

Thanks again for the replies guys. I feel a bit better know there are so many other guys who go through these periods.

I think a lot of men go through these emotional and mental periods of 'wilderness', where it is dark, you're alone, and not sure if you'll ever make it out. I think the key is to keep moving, because no one ever got un-lost by doing nothing. I also think it's critical to understand WHY we keep finding ourselves in these dark woods, because unless we get to the bottom of our navigation errors we will keep coming back to the same place.

I have been working with a counselor, which has been tremendously helpful. One of the things he has me do is identify what fraction of my pain is "old" and "new" when it arises. Surprisingly, it is almost all old, and with old pain that keeps resurfacing the dots can always be connected back to their origin, where it can be dealt with and released. Naturally, I am having to make some very real confrontations with past traumatic events and relationships. It is undoubtedly for the best, but some days it is a true struggle.

 

[Colossus]

Hi Colossus,

You really helped me last year with my conundrum, so hopefully I can repay the favor.

My first question for you is, will your well-paying career you're working toward be what you really want to do with your life, professionally?

There's nothing wrong with pragmatism in your career. Not everyone gets the cool dream job. But I'm just wondering if you're even remotely satisfied with your long term goal-seeking.

I've never gone back to school, but the people I know who have usually go through some tough times - like they are holding a long string but can't find the end. Maybe it's the drudgery of grad school.

I do remember you having a foreign GF who was pushing you for more. You said then that the timing was off. I think you definitely made the right decision about it and the Oneitis (if this is who it's for) is just a product of your current mental state.

I don't necessarily think plate spinning is the answer - maybe you should just enjoy your time away from women. Can you take a vacation with a buddy or alone?

Good luck.

Thanks man.

I am actually quite satisfied I chose this career path. My aims havent really changed much since I started college, I just switched from the med school track to the PA track, and havent looked back since.

As far as the Brazilian girl I was dating, that has been over for some time, since last May. We actually still talk on occasion and remain on good terms, but she has since moved to Argentina. She was a great girl, but it was best we parted ways, at least for now.

The Oneitis I mentioned is actually mt old college gf, the one I really went off the deep end for. We had 1 full, great year together, but 1 good year out of the 5 I've known her is not really good odds. She is a chronic "flyer", in that she will say really nice and touching things to me, and then disappear from contact for months. She was always this way, aside from that 1 good year. I havent actually seen her since June of '08...but we do have sporadic contact, usually emotionally-charged. I was so in love with this girl dude I cant even explain...and every time we talk or text those feelings just come flooding back in. It's tough. But I have to remember the facts.

Since last May, however, things with women have been really desolate. Part of it is the social isolation imposed by my location and grad school, but I also think part of it is just a dry season, so to speak. This really messes with my head at times, because I've had so many rejections and completely dry stretches these past 9 months. You are probably right that it may not be the worst thing to be solo while I sort out my stuff.

 

[picard]

Has anyone lost libido during depression ? I also have depression for a long time. My libido just dropped off the cliff completely. I find it difficult to get excited in sex with a woman.

 

[azanon]

Colossus,

There's a good Pook article in the DJ Bible talking about being the prize. Pook is more eloquent than I so let me crudely summarize (but DO look for it, i have 3 stars, he has as many as RT? ha):

One of the most effective DJ skills is to believe you have won before you ever even start. Walk around and know you are the s***. "Failures" must be thought of as their loss (but do learn from mistakes). Seriously, when you are "gaming" a girl, pause for a moment and consider how lucky she is to even have the opportunity to be with you.

You said you're making successes in your life and your going places. If that's true, you really are the prize, given all of that and the advantages afforded to you as a man. Every rejection puts you one closer to a non-rejection.

 

[azanon]

As for general depression, I'm not an expert, but I can tell you what works for me. I like analogies.

Think of life like one long, 12 round boxing match. There will be rounds where you are going to town on the other dude, and the crowd is roaring. But there WILL be times where you have your hands guarding your face, and the audience is gasping wondering if you're going to be ok. You might even get knocked down, and the ref will start counting to 10. But unlike real life, the choice is always yours whether you're going to not only get back up, but win it in the end. The crowd is rooting for you, not the other guy. Don't believe me, look at these posts.

If you must, think of a bad day as a bad round. And for those that have had a lifetime of bad rounds, remember you can always win with a knockout in the 12th. You're NEVER out of it unless you chose to quit trying.

Fight, and fight strong. YOU are the prize fighter.

 

[Fuglydude]

Sorry you're having troubles man...

If it makes any difference, you're one of the only guys from this forum I think I'd actually enjoy chilling with... yeah, its cuz you're a meathead-nerd! You like gear, and ridiculously complicated molecular science... and like throwing around large chunks of metal for no good reason, and you've phucked a brazilian chic... all things I hold near and dear.

But in all seriousness... I guess I can kinda relate. Back when I was dancing and going to school fulltime, I was able to get a good rotation of girls and partied lots, etc... However, after all the partying and phucking, it definitely felt really lonely. I'm guessing its because I wasn't happy inside with what I had becoming/was becoming. I guess I really wanted emotional intimacy with a female. I reasoned that this was what would help me to be happier and address my loneliness. Yes it would likely mean giving up the "stripper lifestyle" but in the end I would be happier.

I think you need to figure out what makes you happy... Remember you're only gonna exist for a finite period of time so you might as well be happy. I'm not saying go out and get a girlfriend, but a great relationship with a quality girl, is a great thing to have, and can be an important ingredient in a happy and fulfilling life. You're a smart guy, and based on what I know about you, you're pretty innately hypermasculine (refer back to meathead comment!)... The two together are a killer combo.

I dunno if you've ever been single digit bodyfat... but man I'll tell you right now you'd have to carry a cattle prod around to fend off girls that would wanna sit on your weiner. You're gonna have to sacrifice some strength.... but you'll get a lot of poonani in the end... If rejections/loneliness are making you unhappy then perhaps more hook ups and a potential girlfriend could be a potential solution. You'll meet a lot of what I consider high quality women during your clinical... healthcare professionals/students... and some of em will be hot. If you're very confident and hypermasculine you'll make a lot of these girls wet especially if you're jacked/shredded.

Overall you don't really have a lot to be complaining about besides the lonely thing... you've got a great career ahead of you, you're a crazy strong big mofo, and you're intelligent. You'll get through this and you'll learn from the experience. I have absolute faith in your resiliency.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever.

 

[Jamo]

This will definitely help

http://www.dhamma.org/en/bycountry/na/

It is a 10 day course, and there are centers in many parts of the US. I have not done this course yet, but I currently am under the supervision of a yoga master (and it has made a huge positive difference in my mindset).

If a yoga master can give me this sort of boost, this course should be no less effective, and I know from people who have done this that it has had a huge positive impact on the way they feel/think. Of course this is a rigorous course and you will have to set your mind to it to get thru it. The website has all the details of what is required from you as a participant

The course is free of cost, and is funded by donations of past students

Good luck

 

[Noodles]

Problem is, I can’t shake this sense of desolation. I’ve got a few good buddies to hang out with which definitely helps, but at the end of the day I’m just freaking lonely as hell. It’s a tough thing to talk about when you’re a grown man, because it’s not only embarrassing but it’s really not a problem anyone wants to hear about.

...

To make matters worse, my old oneitis makes sporadic contact with me, and naturally being at a point of weakness I entertain thoughts of redemption with her, which is obviously not good for my mental health.

Depression is a serious and very real issue and something I dealt with quite a lot in the military. Women generally talk much more openly about their emotions with their friends then guys do. Classically men will use their girlfriend for their emotional support - hence so many of you get so attached to them. Once they're gone, your 'oneitis', it leaves a hole. Although you have friends, you're feeling lonely and your current crowd don't allow you to express this.

In the military things are slightly different. We're often not in positions to make real relationships, so eventually those borders come down within our squad - people stop worrying about seeing the other guys naked, you talk about stuff, you cry. Sometimes you see (or have to do) horrible things. I remember having to clutch a sobbing signals operator to my cheek after a particularly violent contact in the FATA area of Pakistan. Sounds gay? It was all we had - and you need to get through these moments. It's hard to worry about what people think of you after that. It's the same reason military guys (or indeed people with strong team bonds) are often more relaxed about women - we can find that deep friendship with other guys. It's also what pushes you on when things hurt, and why it's so hard to leave.

When I left 2 1/2 years ago I did find it hard to adapt back to civvy street. My entire 'family' was spread around the UK or still fighting. But I did what I was trained to do - I sought out that extended family. For me it was joining a rugby club. The team spirit - the comradery was the closest I could find for what was missing in my life - esprit de corps. When you trust your team, when you push yourself that extra mile for the man next to you, and when you know he'll do the same for you...you're not lonely. You can talk about anything. Seek out and join a team. Become something more than you are on your own. It'll change your identity - you can become Colossus, a member of XYZ.

And hey...maybe eventually you'll get to see another guy piss into a glass and one of you will have to take the forfeit to drink it. Just pray it's not you!