Dealing with Demons- at age 30! =(

[TurboOverCubicInches]

Hello all, hope this find all my fellow DJ’s in good health and spirits.

I first joined this board in 2002 (began reading it fall 2001). Unfortunately, I never really implemented the information available to me- I grew up in a very controlling, extremely demanding middle-eastern (Islamic) family.

I have lived through a lot of depressions in my 20’s which I won’t go into (I’m 30 now).

But to cut to the chase, I’m at a turning point.

A few years ago, I decided to make something of a hobby I have always been into- music. I began deejaying electronic music in a large city in the USA. I have done well for myself and am at the point where I am doing production, about to travel and playing large gigs.Due to this, I have had to live a double-life.

While I don’t do it for a living and have a very good corporate career, my family is extremely non-supportive of my choices I make.

I don’t want to get married anytime soon, and my family wants me to quit deejaying. They put the guilt trips on me, while it’s pathetic that I am having this issue at 30, it’s very real and is destroying me on the inside. They kill me with love, so to speak.

Enjoying a career, doing things on your own, traveling, etc are very looked-down upon by my family. They feel that living single, making your own choices, creativity and the like are conducive to someone “not being a good family member”. When someone does well such as my uncle, our family really sticks the screws to him in any situation- especially when he works really hard and travels quite a bit (why is he doing this with 4 kids at home and a wife?) etc.

I feel powerless- I feel my choices are going to be made for me and I have no other option- I have been fighting very hard to be happy but I cannot get on board with myself. I find myself thinking “how much less stress would it be if I just got married, had kids for my mom and grandma and everything would be smooth sailing. Maybe I’ll buy a Corvette someday to make up for this”. Also, I am in the process of kicking an opiate habit (I found myself taking them at family functions, when I come to visit my parents, etc, then it turned to to a daily habit- not severe but enough to really make me worry about myself).

A close, successful friend of mine suggested I needed to “set limits” and possibly even limit how much I interact with my family, as he had the same problem. While it makes sense, I just can’t gather the strength to do it.

I grew up in a totalitarian household- any transgression, sign of doing something not approved by the family was meant with severe punishment from my old man- maybe that has something to do with it. Ach.

Has anyone here ever had to deal with this???

Sorry for the rambling- I don’t think I have posted on here since 2004 or so! I really miss hearing from the vets- Fingers, Gio, et al.

t.

 

[WaterTiger]

My suggestions are this:

1- Continue to get help to stay off the drug problem. A daily habit IS severe no matter how you look at it. Go to rehab, group sessions or any of the 12 step programs designed to give you help and support.

2-(This is the hard one...) Move. Seriously. DJ in LA or NYC, or even Mianmi. You're 30 years old and Nana (bless her heart) is trying to hook you up with with Fatima down the street. There is more to life than tradition, and letting everyone run your life.

Why do you think your uncle travels so much? So for a couple days a week he can get some rest from the nagging!

 

[backbreaker]

I'm a recovering addict that at one point had about a 2-2500 dollar a week crack cocaine habit, sometimes more and it's been 5 years for me since I've done drugs. lol okay the fiancee and I do tote a little weed now and then but I don't consider that to be a hard drug and when I say every now and then I mean just that, a few times a year with friends. I would go on 2-3-4 day binges at a time, started out once every week weeks, then a few times a month and by the time I had got to my low point I was basically using everyday. The thought repulses me now. I drink, never had a problem with alcohol regardless of what AA tells me, but no drugs.

I don't have a problem with drugs, even hard ones, I have a problem with dependence on them. If I could smoke crack and not have it build back up to an everyday habit, which it would quickly, or do coke without rocking it up, I'd do it from time to time. but i can't and I know I can't.

You sound a lot like me. I found out that my family was a big reason I used. I couldn't deal with them. When I moved, the urges while did not instantly go away, were not as intense. while just up and moving never causes your problems drug wise to go away, AA is right about that, in some cases a move is necessary and mine was. My mother is a religious nut who won't talk to me until i reaccecpt god and my dad tries to **** every woman i bring home.

I know my drugs and opiates are nothing to play around with. What are you taking hydros? herion? when I quite it was pretty much all mental. had some stomach issues for about a week but nothing too serious going threw withdrawls, but I would storngly advice you not try to quit cold turkey, those withdrawls from opiates are no joke son. Go see a doctor and tell him your problem and they can persuribe you on something synethic to help you wing yourself off. I would honestly rather you keep using then trying tojust stop and quit if you have an eveyday habit. you would be doing more harm than good.

do not get too down on yourself. I actually have no problem with drugs at all

 

[TurboOverCubicInches]

thanks guys. Backbreaker- I am pretty much over it...it was like 2 or 3 a day...not consistently- not going to get into the details, but it wasn't H. Had some minor withdrawals while tapering down-- but nothing major. The worst part was realizing WHY I was doing it. Ugh.

Your post makes sense Water. It's just SO HARD to make that decision, ya know?

 

[sharkbeat]

You need to move. Where you live and who you live with matters a whole lot. Find a job or a gig somewhere so you have an excuse to move out.

 

[Die Hard]

Here's the quaetion you need to ask yourself: Does my family really want me to be happy? The answer is "No". This is more about them being happy than about you being happy. If they really wanted you to be happy, they would allow you to do whatever makes you happy. So you have to put them to the test about this... Not just in your mind, thinking about their perspective and their reasons and trying to come up with answers for them. No, you have to confront them for real and let them give their own f*ckin answers: Tell them that what they expect from you, won't make you happy and tell them what DOES make you happy. Now they have to answer your question and make a decision, do they really want the best for you or not? If they don't, then F*CK them!! You have to choose for yourself and your own happiness, you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for them...

I've been (kinda still am) in a similar situation. What makes it difficult, is that they're not exactly your "enemies". If they would be, it would make it easier for you to tell them to go f*ck themselves. But the reality is that you love them and get along fine with them in many ways. Just not on this matter... That's the trade-off: Is this matter important enough for you to break with your family, despite all the positive things there are between you and them? In my case it was... I left them behind and it sometimes tears me up inside, I'm all alone now. I have a few good friends but I mostly see those just in the weekends. The rest of my daily life, I have no one. I used to have lots of daily contact with my dad, my brother, my sister, but now they are gone. People need family, people to rely on, a social network of people who are close to you and suppor you. I don't have that anymore, it's gone. On top of that, my decision caused me to mess up my education and my career. Life has become a tough struggle in many ways and I'm paying a heavy price for my decision... But in the end, it's all worth it to me. Coz before all this, I was betraying myself, I was keeping myself down, I was denying myself at the core, ignoring the basic need to "be myself". Even if my life has deteriorated in many ways, at least now I can look straight in the mirror and know that I am true to myself! Biggest achievement of my life, makes me feel goddamm proud of myself. They sometimes say that life is a game... Well, no matter what becomes of me and my life, I feel I already won the game. I am strong and proud and I will not endure sh*t from others at the expense of myself. As a human being I have basic needs that lie at the core of my being. If I deny those needs, I deny myself, I do not really exist, I will just be a shadow of myself. So anyone who expects me to ignore and deny those needs, can s*ck my motherf*cking d*ck, no matter how much I love them and need them. This change in attitude, has been the most important achievement of my life...it's what seperates the MAN I am now from the BOY I was before. And whether I will be succesful or not in life (job, money, posessions, social life, women etc.), I feel like I've achieved my biggest succes in life already.

I suspect you think a lot about yourself and your family etc. My advice is to act instead of thinking. There are conflicts lying dormant: confllicts between you and yourself and conflcicts between you and your family. So act, talk to your family, tell them what you think, what you feel, what you want. Ask them what they think, what they feel, what they want. This way, you will push the envelope, the conflicts will rise to the surface and need to be dealt with. From there things will go as they go, you either back down again and "sacrifice" yourself for your family or you'll decide that enough is enough and really choose for yourself. But you need to act, no matter what. It's similar to approaching girls: What you're doing now, is looking at her from a distance and going around in circles in your head, thinking about the right thing to say to her and sh*t. But eventually you just need to walk up to her and start talking, from there on the situation will go as it goes. If you don't do this, you'll just go home and keep thinking about this and that but nothing will actually happen.

Stop thinking, start acting.

 

[game.r]

Its good that you recognize the problems. You know the solution, its just hard to do what needs to be done... here's a podcast that speaks directly to your situation. Listen to the whole thing, about 30 minutes, it will help.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/stevepavlinacom-podcast-004-using-patterns-for-personal-development/

GL

 

[TurboOverCubicInches]

thanks Guys.

Game.r- funny you mention this...I been reading Pavlina the past month or so...his post on "Being A Man" is UNREAL...especially the part where he says any man who "says" his relationships are more important than his desires is insincere (something to that effect don't have it in front of me).

thanks for the posts guys.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Remember, this life is all you have. Don't let anyone decide how you should live it for you.

Good job on kicking the drugs- now, the next step is to release yourself of the feeling of guilt that you have when you are around your family. Remember that they love you, but they will not be able to understand your lifestyle due to ingrained tradition. They honestly believe that settling down at the ripe old age of 30 will make you happy.

Accept their advice, but be firm in your convictions. I like the idea of moving, because then you will be forced to find your own way. If that is out of the question, you may have to just pay them lip service. Trying to make them see your point of view will just stress you out.

It's remarkable how much criticism a man will receive just because he chooses to be single, and not just from ex girlfriends. It takes real courage to go against social norms. The payoff, though, is a life of options- including the option to settle down and have kids later, if you so desire. This is the only way to have your cake and eat it, too.

 

[TurboOverCubicInches]

Great posts guys. Like I said I haven't frequented the forum in years but it's still good to see some wisdom in here.