Dealing with a kind of new girlfriend

[sunlight44]

To all of you DJ's out there i need an opinion about this situation:

I meet this girl about 4 months ago she was the one who come to me and bought me a drink, then we got hooked up after that! This girl had a boyfriend that she was dating for a longtime may be around 6-7 years but they brook up before she meet me but they still hung out as friends I didn’t know that that she still hung out with him during the 1st month we were dating and after I know that I talked to her about it and she didn’t see him for three weeks but after that she still kept hanging out with him ( I know for sure there is no physical contact between them just coffee and for short time… ) but even id I talked to her about that but she kept seeing him. One night I decided to talk to her one more time and I did I said if you don’t stop seeing him I will leave for good! She said ok but I still have doubt about that!i can be watcing here all day and night i have a better things to do in life. I mean I like the girl she take car of me a lot! But I don’t know if I should cut her loose or go see my ex too and let her do what she want to do until she start talking to me about me seeing my ex and then we can talk!!! basically just play her game too!

 

[Desdinova]

Two wrongs don't make things right. You gave her your warning, now you have to let her make her decision.

Now, if she continues to contact this ex, it's likely she doesn't take your words too seriously (likely because of some other 5hit test you failed). Once you fail the first 5hit test, she'll know that she can do whatever the hell she wants, and you'll only whine and b1tch about it.

You must keep your word or she won't take you seriously

Now, if she has agreed to stop seeing her ex, but continues to do so, stick to your word and leave her. But just don't leave her to teach her a lesson. Leave her because she doesn't take you seriously and doesn't respect you. There's no reason to keep a disrespectful woman in your life!

 

[DoubleA]

Then I wouldn't next her, but I'd still keep my options open, and I don't mean and ex GF.

Did you really think you could break and emotional bond of six to seven years in a month or two? It's a hard thing to do. Just keep her in mind but start looking for other friends to kick it with. You'll still want to get with her and make time for her. Do that.

But just don't sit around and be a victim. Besides no one said you have to sleep with these other women. It just adds more value to you personally.

 

[sunlight44]

Desdinova and Rollo you both have a good point but I don’t need a women in my life I mean when I met her I added some good thing in my life that I missed from my ex but that won’ t change the fact that I don’t need a women in my life.
The thing is that I learned is it’s good to always use your head with women I spoke to this girl before about her ex but It seems that It’s not working out now she start telling me that she is going to different place but I have a feeling that she planning a different thing (meet her ex I don’t even what for). It looks like that part of my head tells me just let her do whatever she want ( have coffee wherever of course nothing beside coffee) and keep my options open when I meet somebody right then I will confront her about here keep seeing her ex as an excuse to let her go!
The other part of my head tells me just walk away and don’t come back and then I won’t have any back up now it’s no win situation!
I know I can’t break an emotional bond that took six to seven years but people need to let go on the past sometimes.

 

[Desdinova]

It looks like that part of my head tells me just let her do whatever she want

It all really depends on what you want from this woman. If you want a fvck buddy, it doesn't really matter what the hell she does. If you want a relationship, she should show you some respect.

The other part of my head tells me just walk away and don’t come back and then I won’t have any back up now it’s no win situation!

It's only a no-win situation if you rely on women to make your life complete. There's a positive to every negative. The positives in both the "single" and "taken" categories are: Many options vs. One good woman. It all depends on how you look at it.

I know I can’t break an emotional bond that took six to seven years but people need to let go on the past sometimes.

This is the biggest problem about women who are freshly single after getting out of a LTR. They still have their emotions lingering from the past relationship, and it prevents them from truly moving on. That's why rebound relationships rarely work.

If she started dating you right after the split, it's doubtful that the both of you will stay together.

 

[sunlight44]

Desdinova you are right the way I feel about this girl is that she still have emotional bond with her ex, she dated somebody else for about four months before me and after the long term relationship! I think the problem with this girl is that lost trust her hear was broken before in the past two relationships she had!
When I started dating this girl I made a mistake I was dating two other girls in the same time and one month pass I let go on the other two and stayed only with her! (I got used to the way she car about me cook for me and other good things)
The reality is that I don’t see this girl as “my wife” that will never happen! But I can see my self with her until I meet the right girl that will make forget about her! Because I don’t feel the trust with here even if she is not cheating but just text message and have coffee with her ex!

 

[sunlight44]

Rollo, Dasdinova, or anybody else who may have an input, like I said before I gave up two other girls when I started dating this girl ( a mistake) now I fell that I am attached to this girl I spend almost every night with her ( another mistake) because I don’t have the other girls that I had before that an easy way to get attached!
Recently she did bad move with me, she suppose to call me so we can meet at her place but she called me really late and she was with here girlfriend which was true because I spoke to the girlfriend and my girl said they both were at the house and when I insisted on see her for a minute (in my mind to make sure she was with her at the house) she didn’t want and they turn the phone off!

My question is I am attached to her now but and the meantime I don’t see her as a potential girlfriend in a committed LTR, how can be detached from her and make her chase me and feel the same way I did for what happen from her!!

I tried to go to her and get my staff from here place and cut her loose but I realize that won’t make her suffer and do much since I don’t have any back up now! Thanks for any feedback!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I gave up two other girls when I started dating this girl ( a mistake) now I fell that I am attached to this girl I spend almost every night with her ( another mistake) because I don’t have the other girls that I had before that an easy way to get attached!

Strike One Here's the cure - Plate Theory

Recently she did bad move with me, she suppose to call me so we can meet at her place but she called me really late and she was with here girlfriend which was true because I spoke to the girlfriend and my girl said they both were at the house and when I insisted on see her for a minute (in my mind to make sure she was with her at the house) she didn’t want and they turn the phone off!

Strike Two Are you private investigator now? Then why are you playing detective with this girl?

My question is I am attached to her now but and the meantime I don’t see her as a potential girlfriend in a committed LTR, how can be detached from her and make her chase me and feel the same way I did for what happen from her!! I tried to go to her and get my staff from here place and cut her loose but I realize that won’t make her suffer and do much since I don’t have any back up now! Thanks for any feedback!

Strike Three, Yerrrrrrouuuuttt!:cuss:

Diagnosis: You sir have an accute case of ONEitis combined with a complete lack of options due to dropping all of your plates at once. Possibly the most damning incident of the whole thing is Strike Two, where you essentially are "checking up on her." There is no more clear an indicator of ONEitis than doing exactly what you did here. If you EVER feel the need to hold a woman accountable for her whereabouts, much less do so OVERTLY as you have done, this is an automatic NEXT situation. Only guys without options are so posessive as to resort to this coraberating of a woman's stories. The fact that she put you off in this situation and even turned off her phone confrims her IL is in the toilet for you. By doing this you've irrevokably told her in the loudest voice possible "I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE!"

This girl is a NEXT, and this isn't even up to you at this point. How you choose to exit is more important at this stage. Are you going to walk away on your feet or on your knees? Let me state for the record that there's no shame in what you did, you haven't failed; you just got results you didin't want. The only way you can fail is not to learn from this whole situation. If you continue this pattern into the next girl(s) you experience then you have failed. You will on get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done. Stop thinking in terms of relationships NOW. Monogamy is not the goal of someone who considers himself the PRIZE. Also, you need to self-examine and determine why you got ONEitis to such an extent that dropping the other women you had as potentials seemed like a good idea. Unlearn this stupid soulmate mythology - this is the root of ONEitis. There are plenty of hot women in the world, thinking that one might be any more unique than another is self-defeating.

 

[Blusher]

There are plenty of hot women in the world, thinking that one might be any more unique than another is self-defeating.

I have to disagree there.

While I strongly advocate being ready to move on (and never look back) if a girl is acting in disrespectful manner or if the relationship seems to have no long term potential, I also totally understand that at some stage in a man's life an endless parade of ONS is just not fulfilling.

At some point, one might want to reassess priorities and getting laid just for the sake of sexual diversity and/or as a form of entertainment is just not enough anymore. I personnally had the feeling for quite a while that I was missing out somthing ,i.e a deeper connection with a loving girl and a committed relationship.

HOWEVER, with that in mind I did not jump straight to the first girl giving me an IOI and proposed her on the spot. I kept spinning the plates for years, keeping my options open, putting more and more efforts into my carreer and personal development. And then, when you feel confident that at any given time you have a large number of opportunities right there in your cell phone waiting for you to call, then you're in the right state of mind to choose one one that might suit your needs, some one you might have a healthy committed relationship.

Because you have drastic criterias (does she smoke? Does she have a bf? Does she get drunk?) you stick to them and you eliminate basically 99% of them for an LTR after only one or two dates. Unlike DJ, most guys out there don't have the luxury of choosing their girlfriend, they mostly rely on luck. And the odds are against them. So being a DJ is not contradictory with being in a committed relationship at some point.

So you have a point Rollo: She's not unique BUT when a seasoned PUA choses girl over all the ones he's met so far and gets serious with her, you can trust him on one thing: she's worth it.

But then again, as all DJ know you must never get sloppy and take it for granted that she's just gonna stick around and be true to you for ever. It takes an awful lot of personality and ability to stick to your values and principles whenever she pulls tests on you.

I am a firm believer that love exists but it just doesn't work like it does in Disney movies, truth is it requires work and discipline.

You can be in a committed relationship and not be an AFC as long as you stand your ground, respect yourself and are strong enough to walk away if she lacks respect.

Back to sunlight44 : You have a bad case of one-itis and you shouldn't be wasting your time playing Sherlock Holmes... Just learn from your mistakes and move on.

Also, it seems the whole went way too fast to start with.
Do not spend every waking hour with your girl, be a challenge for God's sake!
In the first 3 to 6 months of a relationship you can very easily maintain her IL in the statosphere just by seeing her a couple of times a week and not answering all of her messages and calls. Give it a try and you'll back and wonder why you ever acted like such an insecure wuss.

Cheers

 

[sunlight44]

Rollo T I have no desire to play a detective but based on the previous experience she had with me and her ex I just can’t trust her! That why I had to go and find out a reason that she is laying to me and leave her!

The funny thing is she take care of a lot she cook she does a lot of good things I think that why I am attached to her (one-itis), and also when I meet I was during a break up and then she filled in the empty spot that was left from the previous relationship!

Blusher I haven’t been a challenge for this girl at all since I am spending all the time with here and she knows very well that I am very interested in her that why she taking advantage of the situation.

Rollo like you said I can Next her but just to keep her as F-buddy what’s the best way to renew the interest again in her have her chase me!!

Thank you for the reply!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I also totally understand that at some stage in a man's life an endless parade of ONS is just not fulfilling.

ONSs are counterproductive to Plate Theory, the idea is to manage multiple, semi-serious, but non-exclusive relationships simultaneously. This used to be called 'dating'. That's not to exclude the occasional ONS, but it certainly isn't a basis for nurturing your options. Your response is the standard binary argument I'm used to getting. It usually runs something like, "Well, after a while having ONSs and all this meaningless sex leaves you unfulfilled and empty" or this old chestnut, "I don't want to risk getting a disease sleeping with all of these random women." To which I always answer, what do you think is the more common scenario; guys getting burnt out on having unlimited access to unlimited sexuality or guys becoming entrapped in dead end relationships and devoting the prime of their lives to trying to find the magic key to making their women become the ideal partner by changing themselves? We tend to despise that which we're most unable to attain.

AFCs (not that I assume you're one) love to play the 'meaningful sex' card because they're conditioned to think that by expressing this very feminized, scripted response it sets them apart from 'other guys'. Trust me, it doesn't, and it only identifies you to women as willing to regurgitate what they know other women are telling you . So here's the secret: The meaningfulness of sex is always realtive to the people engaging in it. After 9.5 years of marriage, I've had some epic sex with my wife and I've had some quick, 'bang it out' sex, as well as some "OK-I'll-do-it-for-my-husband-and-get-back-to-folding-the-laundry" sex. Some of those were meaningful experiences and others were blah, but all were with the same woman. So, lets all stop with tossing out the self-righteous cookie of 'meaningful sex', it only brands us as symps.

So you have a point Rollo: She's not unique BUT when a seasoned PUA choses girl over all the ones he's met so far and gets serious with her, you can trust him on one thing: she's worth it.

If he's killed his inner AFC prior to this, yes. It's getting to this point that's the trick. As I've stated in many other posts - there are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. I love my wife dearly, but I'm not so naive as to think that there may not exist thousands of other women in the world who would make an equally good match.

Rollo T I have no desire to play a detective but based on the previous experience she had with me and her ex I just can’t trust her!

This is all you needed to type. If you feel the need to keep a woman on a leash, it would be just as well to unclip her collar and let her go on down the street.

Rollo like you said I can Next her but just to keep her as F-buddy what’s the best way to renew the interest again in her have her chase me!!

She wont be chasing you again and you wont be making her a Booty Call any time soon. And even if I thought there were an outside chance of her IL coming back to wherever it started from, I would still tell you to NEXT her because I will NEVER advocate a guy staying in an obvious ONEitis relationship. ONEitis is slavery and you are the one with the key to your cell. Once you're out, never lock yourself back in.

 

[sunlight44]

Rollo T in a week or so if I have other options see other women, do you think keeping her as a f-buddy to see whenever I want won’t help me with getting a ride of this attachment with her “ONEitis” , do you think is better just to Next her and never look back , all I want is have her as one of the other women I will be seeing so I can detach from here slowly!

 

[Distant Light]

Your situation is rather complicated. Really if it was me and towards the lifestyle that i want I wouldn't care who she is seeing because i'm constantly trying to get other girls at the sametime. Its rare that you can ever get her to start chasing you.

What you should do before even open a girl is to know what you want (LTR,MLTR,FB,ONS) and then game with your intention in mind. In your case it seems like you gamed towards LTR, because your caring about her seeing her ex , if she was a Fuvkbuddy you wouldn't really care at all who she is meeting so longs she knows when yall want some sex yall can call each other. If she was a MLTR from your first time fuvking her and before she should have known or had thought that your in relationships with other girls. Most girl chasing comes from guys who play the hard to get frame.

but goodluck keep us updated on what your choice was.

 

[sunlight44]

Distant Light I wasn’t sure what I wanted from her but I think you mentioned a good point me caring about her seeing her ex, I think you right I believe I wanted a LTR from her but because me not trusting her I got confused and then I started thinking using her as F-Buddy I thing that what happen!
By the way this girl shows a lot of care to me and she calls me a lot almost every two hours she start the calling not me! And she mentioned to me before that she wanted to settle down but I am not ready so I am assuming she plying these games with me to make me chase her and get involved with her deeply but that’s not what I want it’s not the right way for me! Is spinning plates a good way to play her game too?

 

[sunlight44]

Just for general knowledge, can anybody point me to an atricle(s) that talk about:

Adrenaline ruch in women ( i have seen one but i can't remember where).
Giving a women a ride on rellercoaster.

Thank you for any help!!

 

[sunlight44]

help with analyzing the situation

We are not together now but I just want to get over this “oneitis” by analyzing somethings I know this girl was playing games with me I am just having some hard time sorting something so I ca move on here are the things I need help with so I can clear my mind:

-We broke up a three to four times and back together ( doesn’t make sense) then she cal back within a day and say she miss me then play her game and we are together again ( my staff still in here place). This time broke up again but I took my staff from her place she didn’t call for two days, I didn’t call her either, and I am not going to. Is this one of her games again testing me!!!
-My feeling deep inside I don’t want to be with her I am not thinking about her a lot but I am thinking about her actions a lot like she called before after a day but now she didn’t after two days It’s not I want to be with her but just want to know why this happening in my mind!
-Before we broke up a couple last time she said she love me care about me and before that she was mentioning her want to get married and have kids that I am not ready for yet so I am assuming that what she want from me so brook up she I can marry here which will never happen because she never showed me that she is worth it in the relationship we had!
-I am seeing somebody now my ex not spending much time together but I am still thinking about this girl while I am with my ex do I need to spend more time with my ex so I can get over this girl or find somebody else with high caliber to make mo forget about her!!
-What is the best way to analyze your self to find the main cause of oneitis?

 

[Desdinova]

Christ almighty, you're constantly running in circles!

I was going to comment on your other posts, but you seem to be in a new situation...

-We broke up a three to four times and back together ( doesn’t make sense) then she cal back within a day and say she miss me then play her game and we are together again

Breakups and Goodbyes cause women to have a strong emotional reaction. Emotions cause women to take action. That is why she continually wants you to get back together. The moment you get back together, her emotions calm down. Also, by playing this breakup-makeup game with her, you're putting drama in her life and giving her an emotional rollercoaster ride. Believe it or not, women find this exciting, and her IL is going to go up.

do I need to spend more time with my ex so I can get over this girl or find somebody else with high caliber to make mo forget about her!!

You need to rely on time. You can't just expect a wound to heal overnight, especially if you're picking at the scab! Time away from her will cause the emotions you felt for her to fade.

Your problem is you need to stick to your word! Make your yes mean YES, and your no mean NO. If you continue to go back and forth on your word, nobody will take you seriously. When you make a decision, STICK TO IT. If you're ditching a woman, DITCH HER AND DON'T LOOK BACK. By allowing her back into your life, the emotions you feel for her will never go away, and you put control into her hands by letting her dictate your relationship status. Take the power back and make your own decisions! CUT HER OFF!

-What is the best way to analyze your self to find the main cause of oneitis?

The cause for one-itis is having the NEED for a woman. You need to realize that you don't need a woman to have an enjoyable life. You can provide that for yourself. Women aren't a reliable source for happiness, but YOU are a reliable source for it! A woman should add to your happiness, not take it away. When a woman begins to affect your life negatively, you know it's time to drop her.

 

[sunlight44]

Desdinova like you said it’s true these break up games makes her interest goes high I haven’t contacted her since we brook up neither she it’s unusual it’s ca couple days not like the break ups before I am not going to contact her will that make her interest goes high not that I care just to be honest for my own satisfaction!!