Day zero.

[TheBrutalGourmet]

Okay, short version; I live in the Bible Belt, 37, in the end game
of a divorce, and I have a 4-year-old daughter. I was completely used, disrespected, and then discarded by my STBX. She was my first, I was her third. (I know, I know. F*#cking, stupid, but I thought it was love.) She might be BPD, or some shade thereof. Now I'm back on my own and seeing the chump I have been. I don't EVER want to be that tool again. What I would like some imput on is where do I begin the rebuilding process? This wole sh#tstorm knocked me as low as I have ever been. Seriously. If it wasn't for my little girl, I might not have held on hard enough to write this today. I have a counselor and I am getting into better physical shape than I've ever been. I just want to get my ass back out there and become the man I should have been all along. Do I start the DJ Boot Camp? Read anything in particular? Are there any tips specific to being this age and also being a Dad 50% of the time? I want to get therest of my life started and I want it on MY terms, for once. Any advice, tips, warnings, encouragement will be welcome. Thanks in advance, guys.

 

[Atom Smasher]

For starters, is your counselor male or female?

 

[TheBrutalGourmet]

male. Actual psychologist. Haven't got to see this new guy. Last one was an older dude that pretty much advised I look into Stoicism. Reading up on it now. I finally got approved by my insurance for real therapy and evaluation. I want to know why I put with so much and why my boundaries just dissolved with her. I want to get my sh#t together.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Good. I see a lot of guys lately seeing female therapists and this can be a colossal waste of time in the best case and very damaging in the worst. Male energy is needed to cure male issues.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I would start reading the DJ bible. There's a link to it on the bottom left of your screen.

You've started the road to enlightenment, brother. It's a hard road full of ugly truths, but it will cause you to regain your stability and put you in a far better position than you've ever imagined in terms of improving yourself as a man and understanding the male/female dynamic.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

First, be wary of anything your counselor says, unless he's helping you get what you SPECIFICALLY know you want. If you're even vague in the slightest, he'll fill in the blanks with his own intentions, which are in large part to keep you as an income stream for as long as possible.

Second, don't rush to jump back in. Spend some time coming up with some rock solid, unbreakable CRITERIA of what you want out of life, and of women. In fact, you might spend six months to a year simply practicing DISQUALIFYING women.

Plenty guys spend plenty of time getting good at opening, escalating, closing etc, but are HORRIBLE at disqualifying.

You've got to firmly establish, in your mind, that YOU ARE THE KING of your world, and ANYBODY is lucky to enter.

Instead of desperately looking for some warm body to fill the gap, spend some time, a long time solidifying your own frame.

I would say that ALL RELATIONSHIPS fail because folks simply don't take the time to CHOOSE WELL.

Your daughter needs a STRONG MALE role model.

Somebody who owns his world, and bends for no man.

 

[TheBrutalGourmet]

I think my problem is knowing where to begin improving myself. I know I'm not ready for a relationship. A friend (her 2nd husband, ironically) said I need to take an rish mourning period. One year and a day before I even consider getting involved with a woman. I agree. I still tend to think about a woman as the source of my happiness. Not healthy. I would like a bit of a guide as to where to begin. I have many sources and tools to use but I don't know where to start. I dont want to be a dilettante, so I need some focus. This is all new to me. Introspection is a pain in the a$$.

 

[TheBrutalGourmet]

First off, Thank you for the help. I am the oldestin my small circle of friends and most are married or in a relationship. I appreciate the insight of men in my age range and situation.
Second, I am giving myself an Irish mourning period of a year and a day before I even consider another relationship. I got that advice from a friend. (her 2nd husband, ironically)
I really need a roadmap or suggestions about where do I start this self improvement and retooling. I have many sources but I dont want to be a dilettante. I want to know where to focus.