Daughterly Advice

[KindredSpiritzz]

I have 3 daughters 16,17 & 20. What advice should i be giving them as a father as they go out into the dating world? My 20 yr old is in college, very religious and im sure still a virgin. Shes had a few dates so far. She's pretty but somewhat over weight and will end up like her mother someday, shaped like a loaf of bread. I know her SMV is highest at 20 and declines steadily til she hits the wall at 30. I always told her finish college, get your career going and dont worry about getting married til you're 27 or 28. Enjoy life, have your fun before you settle down and raise a family but now im starting to wonder if im giving bad advice since the longer she waits the harder its going to be for her. Her mom has her convinced the right man will love her no matter how overweight she is so weight loss isnt a topic shes receptive to. I can see her ballooning out fast as she gets older tho. She also has the dream of fostering a bunch of kids as well as having her own so i see this setting up for disaster finding a man to go for all that. Do i encourage her to marry after college or wait a while and explore herself a little more? My 2 younger ones are tall and thin and will be knock outs as they get older, what advice do i give them? Those 2 probably wont stay virgins til marriage if i had to guess. I know what advice id give a young son but i got 3 girls instead and im clueless.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

It sounds like you personally see marriage and kids as the ultimate goal in life, and you're asking how to project that onto your children more effectively.

Honestly you simply need to instill confidence in her to go after her dreams, whatever that is to her, not your dreams. How she gets there or if those dreams involve marriage shouldn't be up to you, and you shouldn't be contemplating how to pressure her into marriage just because that's what you did.

Your daughter may win a nobel peace prize, cure cancer, and never have sex or marry. Or she might decide a man is all she wants. Give her the freedom to make that choice and the confidence to make it with conviction.

Let's ask the real question here, why did you marry a woman you compare to a loaf of bread?

 

[Epimanes]

Based on OPs orher posts it seems he is no longer with the mother of his kids... has a gf of 9 months and has banged a couple others on the side....

As for daughterly advice.... i have a 22yo daughter.. shes very pretty...i instilled a boat load of confidence in her as she grew up tjat she could be or do anything she wanted.

Spent loads of time with her out bike riding, swimming lessons.. dance classes.. all sortos of activities as she grew up.... praised her lots for every accomplishment she did... got her into fishin/camping/hunting .... shooting guns... etc as she got older. Now she's an xray technition.. with MRI module and Ct module.... makes nearly what i do workin in the local hospital... dated several men and currently has one she fancies that is quite well off himself amd working towards being an engineer.

I think the point im tryin to make is... you gotta start on them young... spend boat lods of quality time with them participating in all the activities they wana try... be present with them.... and if your asking for advice now? It may be too late to change their trajectory... im pretty sure most of my parenting after 14yo had no where near the effect on her as the parenting prior to 14....

Your greatest influence is the preteen years because after that... they developed their own cognitive thinking ablitiy and have to be mostly self motivated as they approach adult hood.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

It sounds like you personally see marriage and kids as the ultimate goal in life, and you're asking how to project that onto your children more effectively.

Honestly you simply need to instill confidence in her to go after her dreams, whatever that is to her, not your dreams. How she gets there or if those dreams involve marriage shouldn't be up to you, and you shouldn't be contemplating how to pressure her into marriage just because that's what you did.

Your daughter may win a nobel peace prize, cure cancer, and never have sex or marry. Or she might decide a man is all she wants. Give her the freedom to make that choice and the confidence to make it with conviction.

Let's ask the real question here, why did you marry a woman you compare to a loaf of bread?

far from it, if it was a boy i would say never get married, i regret getting married myself. But for a woman i think marriage is more important, specially if she wants kids. I know she wants to get married someday. I was advising her to wait, to not rush it and feel like she had to be married by 23 or something. But then theres her weight issue and hitting the wall at 30 stuff so im thinking maybe she'd be better off doing it sooner rather than later. Either way is fine with me and its her choice, i just want to give good insight and advice. I spent as much time as i could with her when she was younger, we have a good relationship. My younger two not so much as the mother has done all she can do to alienate them from me since she got remarried. My kids know i love them and I will support their choices no matter what but i want to give good sage daddily advice as they enter the dating world. Like all boys want is to get in you pants and daddy will kill you dead if you get pregnant before you're 18, that kind of stuff. But im less clear on dating, marriage as they cross the threshold into adulthood. As a 54 yr old man i dont see the point in marriage for a guy, but for a young woman its different. I guess they will figure it out the hard way as i did.

 

[KindredSpiritzz]

Let's ask the real question here, why did you marry a woman you compare to a loaf of bread?

she had a nice body when we married. Soon as the first kid came it started heading south and by the 3rd she was shaped like a brick. I remember saying something about her weight as she was eating out of a gallon container of ice cream once and without missing a spoonful she looked at me and said i should love her no matter what she looked like. Right then and there i knew it was over and she'd end up looking like her mom in 10 yrs time. I knew i screwed up and my choices were leave or deal with a fat wife the rest of my life.

 

[jimwho]

The majority of what you know about your Daughters is what they want you to know. Marriage is ok for women, but not for men, accept for the poor saps that marry your Daughters is what I'm reading.. Their not kids anymore so your job is to be a good sound wonderful dad. And in time no matter what crapola your ex says won't matter. You can have daily meetings for advice and they will do what they want anyway , especially with boy stuff. Best of luck.

 

[Epimanes]

You can have daily meetings for advice and they will do what they want anyway , especially with boy stuff. Best of luck.

Yup...the facts right here

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Spoiler Alert: They are telling you what they think you want to hear.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Based on OPs orher posts it seems he is no longer with the mother of his kids... has a gf of 9 months and has banged a couple others on the side....

As for daughterly advice.... i have a 22yo daughter.. shes very pretty...i instilled a boat load of confidence in her as she grew up tjat she could be or do anything she wanted.

Spent loads of time with her out bike riding, swimming lessons.. dance classes.. all sortos of activities as she grew up.... praised her lots for every accomplishment she did... got her into fishin/camping/hunting .... shooting guns... etc as she got older. Now she's an xray technition.. with MRI module and Ct module.... makes nearly what i do workin in the local hospital... dated several men and currently has one she fancies that is quite well off himself amd working towards being an engineer.

I think the point im tryin to make is... you gotta start on them young... spend boat lods of quality time with them participating in all the activities they wana try... be present with them.... and if your asking for advice now? It may be too late to change their trajectory... im pretty sure most of my parenting after 14yo had no where near the effect on her as the parenting prior to 14....

Your greatest influence is the preteen years because after that... they developed their own cognitive thinking ablitiy and have to be mostly self motivated as they approach adult hood.

This is a great and knowledgeable post.

OP, you are way late on this, but dont blame yourself, perception changes.

All you can do now is support them through mistakes without enabling.

Based on your question, you have some realities to face on the maturity level of your children, as advising anyone other than yourself leaves that person an opening to blame anybody other than themselves and that is not good, need accountability.

 

[Epimanes]

My 16yo son was struggling in calculus 11... hes got it now .. mostly... but he had a tough go for a while there when ex and i split... pretending to get his work done etc... then he moved in with me (daughter too, both a year after the fact of the split) and he was still playin that homework game...had a few talks... he had a bad report card.. tightened up his time management for him... and got him back on track. He didnt wana fail but his brain was so occupied with the emotions of our split he just kinda gave up. Since i have stablized the kids... hes picked his grades back up to B average... even tho class is 50 50 in school/online school .. sent him this meme when he was struggling after a talk about letting his emotions get in the way of his future and how important it is to do his best to stay focused on lining up a life that can give him the best oppertunities going forward....... got his gears turning a bit thats for sure...

But, i also dont come down hard on him so he can also face his own consequences of in action of his work.. im like

"buddy... you either wana get some good grades and have options when your done high school to be able to pay your bills or you wana just let it all slide and flip burgers or stack shelves for the rest of your life.. once your done schooling, you get your equal portion of the bills here. So how you get there is entirely up to you the longer your in school for the longer you stay bills free"

Hes picked up the pace since... and my daughter got the same speech.. life isnt a free ride forever.

Sorry not sure if thats totally in topic of the threads but it triggerd the thoughts.. lol