Dating, relationships and Depression

[pbsurf]

OK, this is going to ruin my reputation i'm sure, but would love to hear some stories and advice on the title topic

I have had pretty good success over the last 8 years of being single - post divorce after a 17 year relationship Father of three great boys, 47, in great shape, lots of friends, well paying job, hobbies, etc. Reinvented myself, immersed myself in game and just having fun in the dating world..

- now in a 10 month relationship that has been fairly intense. (feel free to check out my other posts for details) She's a handful in some ways, but also really likes me, and we are both trying to figure out if this is the real deal (LTR). I love her but i am worried that this is just addiction - an opiate as someone on this site pointed out.

i have had untreated depression for the last several years, done a decent job managing it by working out and staying busy, but the last couple of years have been progressively worse. The triggers are money worries (child support of 3800 bucks/mo after tax! ouch) and general "what is it all about" overanalysis. I"m a pretty obsessive thinker and while this has tended to help in dating, it is wearing me down now that i have someone that i care about..

So, my drinking has gotten worse, and there have been many very dark moments. Very dark. I'm scheduled to see my PC doctor in a couple of weeks and will be willing to try anything, including antidepressants, which i have avoided at all costs I still have hope but honestly, i don't know if i'll ever REALLY be happy again. And i will add that my entire life, i have been a positve, happy person. I used to shake my head at people with "depression". Now i really know what it is. Scary stuff.

So, back to the title subject.

Dating with depression was easy. No commitment, no overanalyzing, i was not much of a plate spinner but would cycle through one every couple of months.

But now... I feel like my relationship is magnifying my moods - she is really the only thing that calms me down (outside of booze). As mentioned, she is a handful in some ways - very flirty, a bit of an AW, and we don't have tons in common, but we connect and have great chemistry, and have had a lot of fun on dates.

I want to keep her around, i want to be happy with and without her, but i worry that it is a catch 22. If i am to be happy, i need to work on my issues, by myself, without her? We don't see each other much, 1X a week, but talk every day (she lives an hour away).

I know that the advice i'll get is to spin plates etc - i get it. i don't want to right now. I have read about the No Woman Diet and have toyed with letting her go and giving that a shot. But again, i'm pretty attached and my logical brain says i can make this all work

until its late in the day and i haven't heard from her, and just want a couple of beers to calm down

Anyway, i would be very interested in feedback and similar stories. Those of you who have felt this way know what i'm talking about, and by the way, it doesn't make us any less alpha imo

thanks

 

[AttackFormation]

I don't have anywhere near the same experience you do obviously, but after seeing you make so many posts here about this I think you should stop using your brain so much with this and just do what you feel like. You're anxious about this and anxiety stems from fear, which means your brain is being driven by fear right now... stop worrying and thinking about everything so much. This post is a mess like your thoughts are. That you aren't after a clear answer but instead want feedback and similar stories solidifies that to me.

Maybe something like this can help you understand what I mean better...

 

[pbsurf]

i know - reading my own posts makes me cringe. I'd rather be the one giving advice than getting it.

The me of a few years ago would have laughed and told me to go surfing, or hang out with my kids.

Stop using my brain would be nice - unfortunately easier said than done.

 

[DonGorgon]

You need too step back to where she is at.. analyze her behavior and investment and go half a step below what she is doing.. its the only way to avoid becoming weak broken and obsessed when dealing with women.. and once we really love them it gets really difficult to stick to the rules that actually keep things working

mots humans are depressed t to some extant these days thats just reality cause life suck for most of us .. depression is something that has to be combatted by balancing the good times vs bad times in our lives. Bad time will always randomly come but good times have to often be created.

I have noticed that as we men age we became way more emotionally vulnerable and susceptible to session with women. I think its cause we are slowing down and stability and constancy are just easier for us eventually and we start clinging to certain women..

MY weakness is when the females chases me hard and treats me like a king i find it impossible not to fall for that and i will then start giving up power to her a a reward fro being so nice to me and i need to stop that

 

[AttackFormation]

i know - reading my own posts makes me cringe. The me of a few years ago would have laughed and told me to go surfing, or hang out with my kids.

Stop using my brain would be nice - unfortunately easier said than done.

I know it sounds unlikely but I can actually identify with what you're going through at its core. Yeah it's easier said than done but I know it can be done because I've done it. A couple of years ago I would've frowned at what I'm about to say, but you know what? the way that worked for me was deciding that me and my life were going to change for the better. I'm not talking that I suddenly pretended to be someone. What I'm saying is, I decided to take #1 responsibility for my life and that's when it opened up to me that I could decide to make my life better because I was the one responsible for it - not outside factors. It's about what you believe. Just having that thought/feeling alone is going to affect change in your life and it looks like you've lost touch with that for the moment (I say for the moment because this stuff comes and goes).

The thing is, as you probably know already, you need to feel this desire and that's why I think that slumping down in your chair and going on the computer to pity yourself (I know that's what it is because I've been there too) looking for others to identify with and console you is the worst thing possible because it reinforces the thought patterns you have which got you here in the first place. Shut the pc down and go outside. You need to reinforce thoughts that are positive and do away with the negative to get out of depression and that's something which has to come from inside you, so help yourself do so.

I'm not even gonna comment on the girl you're seeing because this is about you, not her.

 

[TheSlasher]

Damn. Look like depression really is something. It's like I can already see what it's like to actually see someone being on it. From what you're saying, it does really feel like it's something that seems beyond your control. I don't know man, do you think there's even this minute possibilty that you can see yourself fighting it?

 

[pbsurf]

I know it sounds unlikely but I can actually identify with what you're going through at its core. Yeah it's easier said than done but I know it can be done because I've done it. A couple of years ago I would've frowned at what I'm about to say, but you know what? the way that worked for me was deciding that me and my life were going to change for the better. I'm not talking that I suddenly pretended to be someone. What I'm saying is, I started looking at how I could take responsibility for making my life better.

The thing is, as you probably know already, you need to feel this desire and that's why I think that slumping down in your chair and going on the computer to pity yourself (I know that's what it is because I've been there too) looking for others to identify with and console you is the worst thing possible because it reinforces the thought patterns you have which got you here in the first place. Shut the pc down and go outside.

I'm not even gonna comment on the girl you're seeing because this is about you, not her.

i know, it is all about me. this site, booze, her, all ways for me to avoid the hard work of being happy with myself. The saving grace is that i already have gone from the pit (divorce/ex cheated-devestating to leave kids) to reinventing myself and truly being content. for a while.

I am going to sign off. Hearing stories from others does help, but i am just perpetuating my depression i think.

thanks - it is very helpful btw

 

[pbsurf]

You need too step back to where she is at.. analyze her behavior and investment and go half a step below what she is doing.. its the only way to avoid becoming weak broken and obsessed when dealing with women.. and once we really love them it gets really difficult to stick to the rules that actually keep things working

mots humans are depressed t to some extant these days thats just reality cause life suck for most of us .. depression is something that has to be combatted by balancing the good times vs bad times in our lives. Bad time will always randomly come but good times have to often be created.

I have noticed that as we men age we became way more emotionally vulnerable and susceptible to session with women. I think its cause we are slowing down and stability and constancy are just easier for us eventually and we start clinging to certain women..

MY weakness is when the females chases me hard and treats me like a king i find it impossible not to fall for that and i will then start giving up power to her a a reward fro being so nice to me and i need to stop that

Good times have to be created

I like that.

and i can relate to your weakness. Same here. The catch 22 of my game improvement has been that my extreme indifference attracted hot women - and this one chased me, and continues to, every time i back off. My backing off is full of anxiety though, not real indifference. And even when i back off she knows that i'll be there, this is the addiction and its not attractive to her

i think alot of this comes down to the idea that i think that a relationship should always be smooth and add to lifes experience - rather than being a work in progress with good and bad moments. if i really internalize this - that relationships are like life and nothing is perfect, then maybe i can go about my day without pinning my self esteem and happiness on the relationship and on her...

the other post suggests that i get off this site - that which we focus on expands, right? -

i'll give that a shot.

thanks for your help

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

the other post suggests that i get off this site

I wouldn't say get off the site.

I am not in the same situation, but occasionally in moments of weakness, I find it useful to come here for clarifications from other like-minds. I have to say I don't always hear what I want to hear, but I know most of the time it's what I need to hear.

Use forums like this as a resource, but not as a source of all your solutions. Your main resource of solution is yourself.

And my advice would not automatically be 'spin plates' for you right now. You have a relationship that you're apparently unsure of yet you don't really want to spin others either. I am pretty much in the same boat right now (a bit indifferent), so I am just distancing myself from the relationship a bit (easy if she lives an hour away, like yours and mine - I don't even see mine once a week).

I also have (had) an unhealthy friendship with beer, but I am managing to combat it, slowly. This week, I am working on just having one beer and one cig of an evening, rather than going out twice a week getting smashed. I have told myself that I am not giving up completely; I see that as setting oneself up for a fall (as with those I have watched try to give up smoking entirely, for example). As with many things in life, for me it's about learning to control these things, and the power of saying 'no'. Besides, I enjoy beer, and I enjoy cigarettes; why should I deprive myself entirely. I can go on enjoying them, as long as it's for the right reasons and I don't abuse them.

Exercise is very important too; if you can find something competitive to do, even better, because it encourages further fitness and discourages unhealthy habits. You'll get the best high from working out. And working out to absolute exhaustion, not the half-a*ssed working out that 90% of the population call 'exercise'.

 

[jurry]

Great post man, find myself in very similar mental situation as yourself.. Endless overanalysis and unsettled feelings. I wouldnt be too hard on yourself though, sometimes we need to just embrace these thoughts and feelings and fight through, you cant really hide from it. As we discussed earlier, women can be a lot like drugs and my plan is to just get in the car saturday drive til i find a mountain and just hike for the day, be peaceful in nature and try and let myself go and relax.

I often feel like a dog chasing its tail, my mind constantly turning and intellectualizing, trying to find some ultimate purpose or meaning for myself that i can accept and just move forward with. But as far as i can tell our mind and ego and sense of self are the very problem to begin with. The solution isnt "out there" with the perfect girl or the perfect job as you well know, but in learning how to quiet our mind and stop the eternal chasing and grasping, and let our self go.. just being present in the here and now not expecting or hoping for something to come.

Perhaps getting away for awhile and doing just this would be beneficial to you, my feeling is that the girl will be waiting for you when you come back. Or maybe not. Maybe you will find someone completely new. That is the uncertainty and uncontrollable nature of the world..

 

[DonGorgon]

limited options increase obsession and depression

 

[pbsurf]

Monkey king.

Good luck w the alcohol reduction. I've found that my drinking became bad in the frog/boiling water way. Starts off as a nice warm bath...

Keeping that under control for me is vital. Most days after I drink are wasted in nasty self loathing and worry. Days after no booze much much better. Simple as that.

 

[pbsurf]

Jurry

It's a double edged sword. Active engaged minds are prone to overthinking and depression. I used to love my brain. Now it's like antibodies attacking my own immune system.

And a woman can be a vicious trigger.

 

[pbsurf]

limited options increase obsession and depression

Well. I will be in Nantucket without the girl this wknd. It's actually tough for me but good to be around friends and talk to some new chicks.

Been out of the game for a bit...

 

[The_411]

Yo PBsurf,

As someone who has ADD and mild depression/Seasonal Affective Disorder I've been in your shoes. Fortunately my vice isn't drink, but food. I eat when I get into stressors or bad mood. I'd strongly suggest seeing a psyche doctor to at least talk about wha's going on and look into medicaiton. The key is finding someone you are comfortable with and also not being afraid hey this medication doesn't work. The drinking sounds like your go to when things get a bit dicey and that ends up killing you. Not that prescrtiption meds are the magic cure but the key it to try to get to a point where you feel in control. The other thing is that in your current state you can't accurately assess your relationship because mood and alcohol often greatly cloud one's judgement.