Dating divorced mom is a NO NO!!!

[LuksSkywalker]

I'm 28 and just broke up with a 32 yo, freshly divorced woman with a child. Her ex left her for a kindergarden teacher.
I was stubborn and didn't want to listen to my parents, my brother nor my friends who were all against this idea. I was the white knight and saw her situation as ideal to jump in and be the hero of the day.
Boy was I wrong...
First of all, I insisted on starting a relationship reassuring her we'll get through her **** together. It took some time to persuade her, but after my encouragement she accepted.
It was almost a "fairy tale" in the beginning. We were both happy, having tons of **x and acting like a couple of teenage kids. She helped me move into my new appartment and set it up with furniture.
During all this period she would more or less every day mention her ex, how he's an idiot and how his new girlfriend is a calculated w***e who is with him only for the money (which he hasn't got, but his parents) and how they both are bad for her kid.
Me being a nice guy, listened to all this crap until one day I've had enough and told her I don't want to hear any word about him. She took it kindly and even apologised for mentioning him too much. Anyhow, things were going great until one day her kid ended up in hospital because of some viral disease he caught. After that day, everything started to change. She "remembered" that she is a mom first and a girlfriend second, even though she never neglected him but after this he became her whole focus. Even when he was at his dad's and she was staying at my place, I could see she was absent. She also told me that all she thinks about is her kid and how's he been accepting this whole new situation with them being divorced. Btw, I was never introduced to him as mommy's new boyfriend but as a friend. Kid was 3 yo. As the time passed by I became less and less happy in this relationship, but since I had a knee reconstruction I was always alone at home aking for her companionship. Sometimes I would hang out with my friends but most of the time I wanted to be with her and everytime we were together I was feeling like time is passing too fast and I will have to wait couple of days to see her again. Long story short I became dependent on her, she became my obsession and I started to feel frightened just thinking that we could break up. As I said, I didn't feel happy in this relationship but I wasn't going to end it.
Well, she did...
She told me she had too much going on in her life and she needed to find her solid ground and make life better for her kid and her.
At first I was sad (not surprised) and even cried my heart out but now I'm glad this happened.
It would take lots of effort for this to work out and not even then would things be ideal. I don't hVe to tell you scenarios that could go wrong...
What I would like is to share with you this experience so you don't do the same mistake I did. If you think you don't need this kind of lecture in your life, don't do it. No matter how hot or kind this person is, there's too much baggage coming with her. I'm glad I got to experiencd this kind of relationship because it made me think about my past, my present and my future life. Nothing has changed me so much as this last experience. That's how I got here, on this forum. That's why I read "The rational male" & "No more mr.Nice guy". That's why I now know what I really want in my life (I'm not just talking about women).

Here I will sum up some thoughts and advice I developed after this last fiasco. Feel free to comment and to add your thoughts to this story. We're here to help each other.

- DON'T DATE MOMS
- no matter how good you are, her child will always be her center of the universe
- her ex will always be part of your life too, his family also
- no matter how bad your chick talks about her ex, if he is even a decent father, their kid will always look up to him and resent you
- nothing can ever be better than 1st marriage ceremony and honeymoon
- she will always be his ex and that's how her friends will remember her
- for a certain period of time she will feel more disappointed with her divorce than happy with this new relationship with you
- divorced woman with a child is 2 levels above you in life experience. It's hard to parry her if you've never been there
- don' t rob yourself from a perfect chance to start your life with a woman from scratch
- you deserve a clean start and not finishing what somebody else had started
- accept every failure as a lesson. Did you die? No. So don't take this break ups or rejections so hard on yourself, instead use it for your development
- trust the process. Believe that EVERYTHING that's happening to you is happening for a good reason. Only to make you a better person. What I mean by better person is not nicer person but better survivor in this gAme of living we call life

Hope this helps someone.

 

[Asseater]

Good job learning from your mistakes. No one is perfect. Don't forget the wisdom you learned from this experience.

 

[HOOVERMEBABY]

I'm 28 and just broke up with a 32 yo, freshly divorced woman with a child. Her ex left her for a kindergarden teacher.
I was stubborn and didn't want to listen to my parents, my brother nor my friends who were all against this idea. I was the white knight and saw her situation as ideal to jump in and be the hero of the day.
Boy was I wrong...
First of all, I insisted on starting a relationship reassuring her we'll get through her **** together. It took some time to persuade her, but after my encouragement she accepted.
It was almost a "fairy tale" in the beginning. We were both happy, having tons of **x and acting like a couple of teenage kids. She helped me move into my new appartment and set it up with furniture.
During all this period she would more or less every day mention her ex, how he's an idiot and how his new girlfriend is a calculated w***e who is with him only for the money (which he hasn't got, but his parents) and how they both are bad for her kid.
Me being a nice guy, listened to all this crap until one day I've had enough and told her I don't want to hear any word about him. She took it kindly and even apologised for mentioning him too much. Anyhow, things were going great until one day her kid ended up in hospital because of some viral disease he caught. After that day, everything started to change. She "remembered" that she is a mom first and a girlfriend second, even though she never neglected him but after this he became her whole focus. Even when he was at his dad's and she was staying at my place, I could see she was absent. She also told me that all she thinks about is her kid and how's he been accepting this whole new situation with them being divorced. Btw, I was never introduced to him as mommy's new boyfriend but as a friend. Kid was 3 yo. As the time passed by I became less and less happy in this relationship, but since I had a knee reconstruction I was always alone at home aking for her companionship. Sometimes I would hang out with my friends but most of the time I wanted to be with her and everytime we were together I was feeling like time is passing too fast and I will have to wait couple of days to see her again. Long story short I became dependent on her, she became my obsession and I started to feel frightened just thinking that we could break up. As I said, I didn't feel happy in this relationship but I wasn't going to end it.
Well, she did...
She told me she had too much going on in her life and she needed to find her solid ground and make life better for her kid and her.
At first I was sad (not surprised) and even cried my heart out but now I'm glad this happened.
It would take lots of effort for this to work out and not even then would things be ideal. I don't hVe to tell you scenarios that could go wrong...
What I would like is to share with you this experience so you don't do the same mistake I did. If you think you don't need this kind of lecture in your life, don't do it. No matter how hot or kind this person is, there's too much baggage coming with her. I'm glad I got to experiencd this kind of relationship because it made me think about my past, my present and my future life. Nothing has changed me so much as this last experience. That's how I got here, on this forum. That's why I read "The rational male" & "No more mr.Nice guy". That's why I now know what I really want in my life (I'm not just talking about women).

Here I will sum up some thoughts and advice I developed after this last fiasco. Feel free to comment and to add your thoughts to this story. We're here to help each other.

- DON'T DATE MOMS
- no matter how good you are, her child will always be her center of the universe
- her ex will always be part of your life too, his family also
- no matter how bad your chick talks about her ex, if he is even a decent father, their kid will always look up to him and resent you
- nothing can ever be better than 1st marriage ceremony and honeymoon
- she will always be his ex and that's how her friends will remember her
- for a certain period of time she will feel more disappointed with her divorce than happy with this new relationship with you
- divorced woman with a child is 2 levels above you in life experience. It's hard to parry her if you've never been there
- don' t rob yourself from a perfect chance to start your life with a woman from scratch
- you deserve a clean start and not finishing what somebody else had started
- accept every failure as a lesson. Did you die? No. So don't take this break ups or rejections so hard on yourself, instead use it for your development
- trust the process. Believe that EVERYTHING that's happening to you is happening for a good reason. Only to make you a better person. What I mean by better person is not nicer person but better survivor in this gAme of living we call life

Hope this helps someone.

I am an old guy and have dated many single moms.Part of your problem is your too nice.You must have the single mom put you BEFORE her kids,that way you can Alpha over the EX.Some make great helpers in life and are freaks in the sheets....you no not what you speak.

 

[Hal9000]

Dating a divorcee is one thing but don't go looking for something serious with one who is freshly divorced. They need more time to get their mind right.

 

[In2theGame]

Maybe it's just me? I don't think I could ever date a singe mom. How do you guys do it? I'm not trying to take anything away from that, i'm just saying..... it just seems too much of a headache and potential problems. I've had casual sex with single moms (Not many) but going beyond that... I just don't understand the appeal. Just the fact that the child is not mine would bother me, alot. I would feel like I have no true authority over that child, like deep down I know they didn't come from me. I'm sure you can learn to love that child like they were your own but still the fact still remains, they are not truly yours.

Anyway, dating a single Woman with no children can be a headache by itself sometimes and adding in the children would just increase the headache / responsibility.

 

[zekko]

You must have the single mom put you BEFORE her kids,that way you can Alpha over the EX.

I don't think I could even respect a woman who puts some guy over her children. I know they're out there but wow.

 

[In2theGame]

Its a skill just like dating college age women. Logistics and demo graphics and game. Plug it in

Yeah but what "Skill"?

What's the appeal of it? is it because some Men believe that they could make that Woman and child's life better? or prefer Women that have children because they seem more mature? or do some just have a fetish for the "MILF" type of thing?

I mean i guess it could come down to that Man just falling for that particular Woman who just happens to have a child from another Man but why take on that extra responsibility? I understand that life does happen so in some Women's defense, they don't always choose to become single mothers but for a Man to just come in and take on that Woman and child or children, I just dont see why a Man would want to do that.

 

[RickTheToad]

Nothing wrong with having fun with them. There are there for practice. Practice makes perfect. Just don't fall for them and don't go in them raw.

 

[In2theGame]

Nothing wrong with having fun with them. There are there for practice. Practice makes perfect. Just don't fall for them and don't go in them raw.

Some guys go for the bait. I can see how this happens though. Picture a Man who is not that successful with Women or maybe he is but this single Mom is smoking hot and he comes over and the kid is sleeping which means it's play time. She comes out of the shower with the skimpiest G-string and her puss and ass are perfectly shaved, smelling great. She's down to do anything to bring you pleasure..... lengthy BJ's, Nice Handjobs, letting you hit it completely raw, letting you hit it anal...... The guy feels like he's hit the freaky MILF lotto however..................

Women aren't stupid, they know exactly what they're doing.

 

[zekko]

Zekko i respect that opinion and i used to think this way but no longer because i studied and learned nature.
The gestation and rearing of human offspring is many years. But at the same time a rival lion that takes over the pride will kill the rivals cubs as its first priority.
The lionesses then will go into heat. To hzve his own cubs
Should humans do this? No.

I still wouldn't respect a woman just because she was acting like a lioness. In humans, putting a new mate above her kids would just telegraph that she is trashy, IMO. Doesn't matter to me either way, because I have no intent of dating a single mother. But you know what they say, never say never.

 

[derby1]

single moms in the UK, imm4ture to the m4x

 

[Kotaix]

- accept every failure as a lesson. Did you die? No. So don't take this break ups or rejections so hard on yourself, instead use it for your development
- trust the process. Believe that EVERYTHING that's happening to you is happening for a good reason. Only to make you a better person. What I mean by better person is not nicer person but better survivor in this gAme of living we call life

This is gold. Following these two points is the key to achieving something that approximates a happy life.

Unhappiness comes from clinging to failure or trying to force something you have no control over. The downward spiral that is caused by overthinking the situation is what doomed your relationship with her. As soon as you're afraid to lose her, you're insecure. And that's when she loses respect for you. As you said, a single mom is a few levels of life above you and won't waste her time.

Modern society encourages the captain-save-a-ho mentality. A friend's brother is marrying a woman and his mother made sure to tell me she was a mother of two. You see it a lot in movies too, Jerry McGuire comes to mind.

Women know that being a single mother isn't viewed well. For all the "progress we've made in fighting misogyny and empowering female representation" nonsense, they know that there are a good number of men that find single mothers revolting on principle

 

[zinc4]

I don't think I could even respect a woman who puts some guy over her children. I know they're out there but wow.

Agreed....I would dump anyone woman for putting me over her three year old child for being a ****ty mother and person. These guys are crazy.

OP made huge mistakes.....had to persuade her into the relationship first....acted very needy and insecure.

Dating single moms isn't my cup of tea, but from the looks of it it was his behavior that did this relationship in.

 

[RickTheToad]

So far as I can see, this woman was not ideal for a relationship, nor is the OP ideal for relationships with such women.

1) From what I can tell, the divorce was relatively recent. You don’t get serious with fresh divorce. Period. It was already said in the thread but bares repeating: They’re for fun only, for the first few years after their divorce at the very least.

2) At 28, the OP should not have to resort to single mothers. This is a man too young and in to his prime for such a relationship. I didn’t even look at them until I was 40, and even then the only reason I did was because I was a single father.

I have ALWAYS put my child before any woman I have ever dated. I expect no less from a woman. The responsibility of parenting calls for that.

That said, even when I did consider dating a single mother, I wouldn’t even consider anything serious until she made myself and my child a priority. A woman with older children who can fend for themselves will do this.

Granted this isn’t (and shouldn’t) be relevant to younger men, but when you’re older and single with children of your own, you will find it very difficult to be in a solid, happy, long term relationship with a younger woman without kids.

The idea they will prioritize you because they don’t have kids is wrong. They will often just prioritize themselves instead. They are still women who will not make a man a priority in any way. Kids are irrelevant to that.

Even single mothers will make their men a priority, particularly as their children get older.

The idea you have ever expected such from a newly divorced woman with a 3 year old child is a major miscalculation.

100% agreed. Chances are she's hot and was an easy lay. Rest assured she picked him before he picked her. His naivety is what she locked on to and just played the pus card. It happens to many dudes. Nothing to be ashamed of, OP and others just need to learn and recognize it.

 

[bcude]

- no matter how bad your chick talks about her ex, if he is even a decent father, their kid will always look up to him and resent you

Thank you for sharing, much respect that you stuck your head out and shared your mistakes and what you've learned from it.
I agree with everything except the quoted part. That's too black and white, I don't believe the kid will automatically resent you just because you're not blood. It depends when you came into their lives and your relationship to the kid.
I've been in your shoes and i learned so much from the experience. I consider it priceless comparable to a steel bath and yes i was very naive at the time, but single moms are masters in making you feel special and manipulation so it's easy to fall into the trap when options are running dry. When i felt too used without reciprocation i just couldn't do it anymore. She pushed for another kid, marriage, help with everything around the house and to be set up for the comfortable life aka financial freedom.
A blue pilled nice guy is like fresh meat.

 

[LuksSkywalker]

Agreed....I would dump anyone woman for putting me over her three year old child for being a ****ty mother and person. These guys are crazy.

OP made huge mistakes.....had to persuade her into the relationship first....acted very needy and insecure.

Dating single moms isn't my cup of tea, but from the looks of it it was his behavior that did this relationship in.

I agree and I take all the responsibility for the end of the relationship. I was a bit desperate and saw her situation as an easy way in. But didn't think about what will happen when she stands on her feet. As a relationship it was doomed from the beginning (taking all circumstances in calculation). As an experinence (in the end though), the best one I ever had. Finally made me grow up and start thinking logically and rationally.
But for the first time I'm not mad at my ex. I just think what a plonker I was and laugh. It was a lesson, nothing more.

 

[LuksSkywalker]

100% agreed. Chances are she's hot and was an easy lay. Rest assured she picked him before he picked her. His naivety is what she locked on to and just played the pus card. It happens to many dudes. Nothing to be ashamed of, OP and others just need to learn and recognize it.

Word!

 

[Spaz]

I agree and I take all the responsibility for the end of the relationship. I was a bit desperate and saw her situation as an easy way in. But didn't think about what will happen when she stands on her feet. As a relationship it was doomed from the beginning (taking all circumstances in calculation). As an experinence (in the end though), the best one I ever had. Finally made me grow up and start thinking logically and rationally.
But for the first time I'm not mad at my ex. I just think what a plonker I was and laugh. It was a lesson, nothing more.

This is the kind of mindset that will bring you towards better things in life.

Well done.

 

[LuksSkywalker]

Your miss management of yourself in this dynamic is causing you to go "absolutist" and a bit black pill.
3 year old kid is TOO young but to say to not todate ANY moms is unrealistic and ignorant. Some single moms will be ok to date especially for older guys. Older kids etc etc. Financially set etc etc.
Some guys who are 40 are not good looking enough to date 25 yr olds. This seriously shrinks the pool because most woman 30+ have reproduced.
Great advice for 35 and down but 40-60 is when this gets tough.
Dating moms is just another skill. You have to know wtf your doing to begin with.
You only become 2nd fiddle to a kid when you ALLOW it in your house.

What I wanted to say is that dating single mom at 28 is a NO. As Amante Silvestre said, you are too young for that kind of relationship. Taking my situation into account, I never had any similar experience so there is no way I would now how to swim in these murky waters. Even if things somehow do work out, her past will always haunt her in one way or another.
Anyway, life can be so much better and easier when you don't accept other people's problems as your own and when you don't rob yourself of a clean start (raising your own child with someone).

 

[Alvafe]

like I said before, single moms are for fun only, because you never be in the first place, and if you are she is not a good mom so you also don't want anything serious with her, its a lose-lose situation


op finally learned, good for him now for the next