Dating as a single dad...

[Roober]

Now this doesn't apply to a good majority of the population here, but am just curious on your guys perspective on relationships with women as a single father. If you do not have kids, feel free to chime in on things you may have noticed...

Myself, I have two young boys, 3 and 5, and have always wanted kids. My ex was a manipulative B, loyal as h3ll, probably because I have hoped she would leave me for the last 5+ years, just didn't have the courage to do it myself till Jan 2015 (divorced in Jan 2016). I have 50/50 custody, and would love to get more, but wouldn't ever ask that of my ex. Our situation is mostly (90%+) amicable.

Anywho, I have been out with 7 women (3 single moms, 4 without kids) in the last two months and I have noticed a couple things...

1. Some women are adamantly against guys with kids, so I often don't even bring it up without being asked. Seems to be a very small amount though, compared to guys against single moms

2. Women without kids don't ask... usually...

3. Women with kids almost always ask

4. Women don't seem to care how much time you spend with your kids. Sometimes I say "I couldn't ever imagine having less than 50/50 custody, they look at me perplexed" Cause honestly, I don't get how men do this... My kids were no accident though, we were married 5 years, bought a house, then decided to have kids, so maybe that plays a factor

5. Women with kids tend to want guys with kids as well because they "get it"

So what I am asking...
1. Do women see us as plate material? (which is great! =D)
2. Do guys without kids tend to get less respect?
3. Other observations either as a single dad, or for the single guys, things you have heard about single dads?

 

[dude99]

Now this doesn't apply to a good majority of the population here, but am just curious on your guys perspective on relationships with women as a single father. If you do not have kids, feel free to chime in on things you may have noticed...

Myself, I have two young boys, 3 and 5, and have always wanted kids. My ex was a manipulative B, loyal as h3ll, probably because I have hoped she would leave me for the last 5+ years, just didn't have the courage to do it myself till Jan 2015 (divorced in Jan 2016). I have 50/50 custody, and would love to get more, but wouldn't ever ask that of my ex. Our situation is mostly (90%+) amicable.

Anywho, I have been out with 7 women (3 single moms, 4 without kids) in the last two months and I have noticed a couple things...

1. Some women are adamantly against guys with kids, so I often don't even bring it up without being asked. Seems to be a very small amount though, compared to guys against single moms

2. Women without kids don't ask... usually...

3. Women with kids almost always ask

4. Women don't seem to care how much time you spend with your kids. Sometimes I say "I couldn't ever imagine having less than 50/50 custody, they look at me perplexed" Cause honestly, I don't get how men do this... My kids were no accident though, we were married 5 years, bought a house, then decided to have kids, so maybe that plays a factor

5. Women with kids tend to want guys with kids as well because they "get it"

So what I am asking...
1. Do women see us as plate material? (which is great! =D)
2. Do guys without kids tend to get less respect?
3. Other observations either as a single dad, or for the single guys, things you have heard about single dads?

I think women see men with kids as a natural provider. Depending on her intentions, she may be looking for maturity which she will assume a dad will be more mature than dude without kids or she could be looking for a guy who being a provider is used to paying other peoples bills.

 

[The Duke]

I don't have kids, and many times I've had women tell me they appreciate that, even women with kids. It makes things less complicated.

 

[Roober]

I don't have kids, and many times I've had women tell me they appreciate that, even women with kids. It makes things less complicated.

Definitely makes sense. Certainly makes things much easier

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Hey man, iv been going. Through this insecurity for awhile now and started getting some good insight.

Main thought always nagging me..
- i have a 2 year old omg no hot.chick is gonna wanna be with a guy that has a baby wtf do i do im fckd i need to try to get back.with babys mom so.society and.people like me omg im doomed..

Best nights in the club when im really in a good mood.

- whaddup yo look at my son,(pulling out phone showing off his.pics to groups of people) sup girl you want me to.put a baby in your belly to? partake of my beatiful genes girl? Hahahah

Pulled a girl the other night and ****ed her for hours at her house, afterwards she was like omg chev ur son is so cute i wanna play with him and feed him grapes(he likes to be fed grapes) your son is so coo chev omg...

Alpha mouthafcks have babys with hot girls and they peace out, leaving the scraps of there c0ck beaten victims to the 1000s of beta chodes on facebook who would kill to get in there and.play provider male.

Tldr
Spread your precious seed to hot bitches and let the betas provide..

Ps.. I love and take care of my kid still hahahh

 

[Ratiocinative]

I don't have any personal experience of course, but I would think you are correct that women are a lot less turned off by single dads than guys are by single moms. Sure, like you said, some women will immediately disqualify, but for those that don't all the same things apply.

Be the leader and be in control. Know your kid's schedule, know yours, and know when you're available for dates and stick to it. If the mom agrees to something don't let her back out of it and make you change plans or you'll look weak to your dates.

Make sure your kids are disciplined. If your kids are undisciplined that will also make you look weak to your dates.

Be involved with them, but not obsessed. Kids are an important part of your life, but not your entire life. You will look selfish if you neglect them for yourself, but you will look week if you sacrifice yourself for them. Find the right balance.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head, but you get the idea. Be masculine not feminine.

 

[BeExcellent]

Here is my perspective. I much prefer single dads.

#5 is so true. I don't like dating men who are in a different life stage than me. I have 3 teen/adolescent age kids. The guy I see has 3 teens. We totally understand sport banquets, band practice, football practice, grades, hormones hitting (the kids) it makes things so much easier than dating a guy who either has no children, has children who are babies/toddlers or who has grown children and or grandkids.

It's been my experience that men with grown kids typically want more interaction than I can give. I still deal with homework & brushing braces and bedtimes. In other words empty nesters are ready to kick up their heels & be spontaneous again (like before kids) but you can't easily do that and still be a responsible parent.

Custody schedules are a pain too and a dad knows about that.

He must have his act together because I'm not going to be a sugar mama any more than I need a provider (I don't thankfully).

Also I can't have additional children. A. Tubes are tied & B. If a man in 40s or 50s wants children I'm really past the safe child bearing age anyway. So I do not take childless men seriously as relationship material because they NEED to seek a younger gal if they might want kids one day.

 

[Roober]

Here is my perspective. I much prefer single dads.

#5 is so true. I don't like dating men who are in a different life stage than me. I have 3 teen/adolescent age kids. The guy I see has 3 teens. We totally understand sport banquets, band practice, football practice, grades, hormones hitting (the kids) it makes things so much easier than dating a guy who either has no children, has children who are babies/toddlers or who has grown children and or grandkids.

It's been my experience that men with grown kids typically want more interaction than I can give. I still deal with homework & brushing braces and bedtimes. In other words empty nesters are ready to kick up their heels & be spontaneous again (like before kids) but you can't easily do that and still be a responsible parent.

Custody schedules are a pain too and a dad knows about that.

He must have his act together because I'm not going to be a sugar mama any more than I need a provider (I don't thankfully).

Also I can't have additional children. A. Tubes are tied & B. If a man in 40s or 50s wants children I'm really past the safe child bearing age anyway. So I do not take childless men seriously as relationship material because they NEED to seek a younger gal if they might want kids one day.

I am also curious how women without kids view single dads... Had 4 dates with a girl without kids, secks on the 3rd date, then she said she was going to facebook stalk me, I said "have fun with that"... The next morning, I get "Are you the daddy of those two cute little boys?" I had not told her yet, because she simple had never asked... I told her yes and figured that was it...

However, she texted me the next morning like it was nothing...

I suppose if single dads present high value, it may not bother them as much...? Guess I will just have to field test it more...

My experience with childless women so far...
Krista - She did ask, I said yes, and still setup a date... unfortunately, I flaked on this one as I was still holding onto my exgf (gah, regret this...)
Claudia - only first date, I screwed this one up, no kid talk
Sunnie - secks after 3 dates, revealed after 3 dates, didn't seem to care, still contacts regularly
Carly - 1 date, no kid talk, kiss closed... TBD
Becca - 1 date, no kid talk, kiss closed... TBD
Amy - first date likely next week... TBD

My theory is that if you have developed a connection after 1 or more dates and it was a qualifier for her, she may open her mind a little bit... like "hey, I wanted a guy without kids, but he is a great guy" I also have the advantage of no baby momma drama.

 

[BigM]

I think that you will have more one night stands if you tell her that you have a wife too. Girls just love that kind of drama. So, depending on what you want, kids can be a good thing.

 

[BeExcellent]

@Roober one of my sisters married a man with two boys when she was childless. Now I realize you are just dating right now & may or may not get serious with anyone. My BILs boys were 7 & 8 when they married.

Two interesting things I thought I would share. The first is that my BILs ex wife manufactured an enormous amount of drama and my sister ended up "instant parent" and at times had to exhibit the patience of a saint with the boys and the ex wife. She did and those boys are grown and the drama is gone now. But it was hard at times. I know because she would call me for support in the difficult times when she wanted to be united with and supportive of her husband. So she would vent to me to get it out so she could resist emotionally throwing up on him. After all the ex drama was not his fault.

The other thing was that she initially told him she didn't want children of her own. She believed this when they got married. As you might guess...she eventually did want her own children. She and my BIL now have two boys of their own now who are adolescents. She is a great mom & they are great kids, but my BIL had to put a number of his personal things on hold to do the father thing again. He's a great dad & he loves those boys but they would be traveling and doing other stuff he wanted to do had my sister not changed her mind. My BIL is 10 years older than my sister. They have a good marriage.

Just understand that for LTR or marriage you really need to pick wisely if you ever go that route. The childless girls are one day going to want kids in all likelihood and the ones with kids already have co-parent situations at times.

Pick your poison.

 

[Glassguy]

When you have kids, your schedule is completely different and chicks with no kids will never understand it. They will say they do, but it will be an issue.

Pump and dumps- wont matter
Looking for something more? The kids will get in the way if they dont have any. If they do, and you take care of your kids and are very involved, its actually a selling point.....

Your situation is really not that unique. I am 39 and almost only date 25-30 year olds. They are fun and independent. Women 25 and up that are single/looking realize that most of the guys they meet up with are going to have kids. Most of them understand it. Its fine for a while until you cant see them at a moments notice and then it starts becoming an issue if you allow it to be.

Be upfront but dont volunteer information early on. If its a problem for her then find another 3.

 

[Roober]

Agreed, good responses! And that's my thought exactly. Women don't seem to use it as much of a disqualifier as men do. At this point, I am looking for nothing more than spinning plates. I don't even know if I will consider an exclusive LTR again...

 

[BeExcellent]

I'm a single dad to a 5 year old girl, full custody. Here's how I see things:

1. Know what YOU want.

I'm not looking for a LTR. I'm not against it, but I'm not looking for it. Because of this, I will not introduce any woman I'm dating to my daughter. It has to evolve into a LTR with everything out on the table for me to even consider that, because the LAST thing I need is to be in a situation where I want to kick someone to the curb or have someone flake on me that my daughter is attached to.

2. Know what you need and what you don't need.

I don't need a stand-in mommy, and that's important. Being a single dad isn't easy, especially if it's a relatively new situation. It's easy to feel overwhelmed sometimes and it's easy to cling to the first life raft of help that comes along. It's a form of desperation. Most women who avoid single dads usually do so because they become the life raft at some point. It starts with 15 minutes of baby sitting but eventually evolves into a full-blown day of soccer mom duties. That's a BIG turn-off for a lot of women, with or without kids.

3. Define What You'll tolerate and what you wont.

There are some things I certainly wouldn't mind doing, but I don't want to be a single-mom's life raft any more than they want to be mine. Single moms can feel overwhelmed too at times. If you don't establish some boundaries early on, YOU can end up being the one who feels trapped and wants out because of their kids, not yours.

4. Have your own sh*t together

As a single dad with full custody, I am in the thick of everything both financially and socially. Every penny of responsibility falls upon me. Every recital, every after school activity, every birthday party...I have to squeeze it all in after 40+ hours of work. My schedule is usually packed, but I have become so organized that I still find the time to pursue education, date and to enjoy my hobbies. I make very good money and I'm advancing in my career. My life is moving forward and all is well.

5. Let all of these things be known

When any of these topics come up, I have no qualms about expressing my stance on them. Not only does this set some boundaries, but it also lets women feel like they have options and a little control over where things might go. When I express that I am open to a LTR but am not looking for one, don't need a stand in mommy, don't want to be anyone else's savior and that I have my sh*t together and that my life is good, it lets women know that they aren't going to end up trapped if they give it a go. That applies to single women without kids, single women with kids, etc.

That's a great list. I use almost the exact same approach dating as a single mom with my act together. Men are justifiably more worried about becoming the life raft. But I'm not about to be someone else's life raft either. I got other fish to fry.

 

[Roober]

So what I am asking...
1. Do women see us as plate material? (which is great! =D)
2. Do guys without kids tend to get less respect?
3. Other observations either as a single dad, or for the single guys, things you have heard about single dads?

Roober, I have a seven year old son from a previous marriage and I generally don't tell the women I date that I was previously married and have a son. I'll be honest though, I lie a lot in my relationships. I bang a lot of hot young women, but generally my relationships end up in gigantic fireballs hitting the ground at 500 miles per hour.

Younger women, 22 to 26, seem to be dead set against dating single dads. Generally. Some don't care, but it's tough to tell which ones these are. Even the ones who are ok with it, date a few single dads and realize it's not for them. If find the younger women still generally live in an alice in wonderland fairytale where they are hot and pretty and pretty much bombarded with attention from men and they think that they can get a great guy with no baggage. Time will change that, as they realize how crappy the dating world is today and how pretty much everyone carries relationship baggage around with them to some degree.

One of my plates right now is my main girlfriend who I have been dating for almost 3 years. She puts up with my cheating. I didn't tell her I have a son and had been previously married until like a year into our relationship. I used the excuse that she told me that she could never date a single father as my reason for not telling her.

Feel free to be honest and tell women up front about your situation. But don't be shocked when most women, especially the younger ones, don't even give you the time of day. If you are looking for a real relationship, it'll be better to tell them the truth. If you're just looking for some play, keep your personal life to yourself.

Unfortunately, I haven't plated a 22-26 year old... yet! But I could totally see that since they are still in their prime breeding years. However, I don't offer information that is not requested. I have found that most singles don't really care to ask. They seem to just assume I am super busy with life.

If they do ask, however, I will not lie. There really is no benefit to it, and I feel like it is a disrespectful to my boys. How would I feel if they told someone they didn't have a father? You can certainly maneuver your wording to provide enough information about your experiences without alluding to the fact that you have children. For example, in talking about my weekend, I will tell them about going to friend's houses for a party, not mentioning that there was a bouncy house and Spiderman in costume. I'll just say I had a couple beers with the guys at a house party, and the which is certainly true!

It certainly is hard not to slip up though. But I get better with every encounter.

 

[80sDad]

I have been a single dad for several years now. I only get laid with instant girlfriends. I can't have a work-life balance not to mention the time I need to spend for my kids and building my career at the same time.

 

[FMCSMT]

Huh. Separated since Jan. ‘15, divorced Sept. ‘15 myself.

We were both super loyal and we were both hot, 3 kids after marriage begun. 3 years married and in house for 4 before the first kid came.

Not amicable at all. She didn’t expect me to find Rollo right away, and this forum. I, too, have 50/50. She remarried, well, a less attractive beta. I banged her best friend after she pissed me off too many times.

In the dating arena, I speak nothing of my ex for obvious and the same goes for kids.

I’m not here for kid’s sake. As much as my ex and I fight behind the scenes and out of the eye or ear shot of children, the position of mother is filled.

We have court in less than 2 weeks by the way. 4 years divorced. This will be 2nd time among several mediations. I say this because this type of conduct amplifies with your level of success. It’s not over custody...

I am dating only one now, compared to my usual 3 at a time and it is murky. I have to tell her not to bring her kids over and do many times. She’s asked to move in and that is blasphemy to me today.

Focusing on your kids can only be done fully when they are present. That is when you should do it best. Never answer calls or texts unless they are in bed because your focus is them, not the next.

They never ask. I don’t tell. They tell me that they have one or three. It’s a short conversation. I say “I’m not into kids, what else?”

I’m not there for her kids. I’m not there for my kids. I have been with 15 or more women since ‘15 and many still message and will easily come.

Kids are my family business. No female enters that dynamic on the level of cohab. She can stay if they are away.