Dating amongst a small population

[Arioch]

I am a college (aspiring) DJ. I like a lot of the stuff I read on this site, but a lot of the tips seem more appropriate to people living in sizable cities, or at least don't discuss people living in smaller areas.

There's this girl I finally got around to asking out (it took forever to get her away from her loser friends) on Thursday, and I made a date for Saturday. The thing is, this campus isn't that big (around 3,000 students), and I ran into her today, which was nice but at the same time used up time I could have spent socializing with other people. Once I noticed this I excused myself politely to go get some other stuff done, but that wasn't the same as hanging around and talking to people.

I suppose if I hadn't let myself get wrapped up talking to her I could have said, "Hey look, there's Tim, I'm going to go talk to him," and that should be perfectly OK. But what I wanted to ask was, what do other DJs operating amongst a small, isolated population (such as a small campus in the middle of nowhere) do to maintain an appropriate amount of distance from women they are interested in, to avoid tunnel vision, or to (and I have no idea how or if I could even) see multiple people?

--
Arioch: Tall, long, great.

P.S. I am open to advice on dating this girl in general. I mean, there's nothing to do in this town, so advice on what to do is pointless. I'm just concerned because I don't think she has much experience going out with boys. She's got a lot of male friends but she's not very masculine at all (I think they're all AFCs that still cling to some hope that one day she will look at them differently or something like that), and, well, I mean I was trying to spew out signals as best I could and she totally wasn't getting them (when it became apparent subtlety was failing, I was just like, "Do you want to go out with me?"). Am I being stupid in thinking that I need to adjust my game?

 

[smoke city]

i went to a college in an even smaller town than yours -- fewer than 2000 students. (read: four years of intensive learning and nearly constant fornication). in a lot of ways, it's much easier than dating in a larger city -- it's easier to find connections and really you can figure out how to meet any woman you see. a few observations:


1. you *really have to put yourself out there. the ladies wont just come to find you, and a small town can be really boring without good friends. but when you do start to meet people (actually this is true in any college town) you'll know LOTS of others very soon. so get a network of people you trust, if you don't already.

2. get some female friends who adore you and who you're not f-ing.

3. you can *definitely date a few women at the same time (even who know each other) if you do it right. don't make any promises to anyone, and just be confident and sure of what you want.
warning: for me this led pretty quickly to a reputation as "sketchy" and a "player," but believe it or not -- in a college environment (and generally in your 20s) this reputation will actually *help you more than it hurts...

4. the current girl you're obsessing over -- forget about her. you're needing too much (which is exactly why you aren't getting), which you should take as a sign that you're just not ready yet.

 

[Arioch]

I feel a little talked-down to. I am a senior, after all. Then again, it's not like what I did for the past four+ years was any f-ing great, so why the hell not? This place has a reputation of constant fornication, but it's just what I've heard, and nothing I've seen (not really seen, but, you know).

1. Yeah, I am all about putting myself out there. I am Mr. Single Serving Friend Guy. I seem to have a problem forming lasting connections with most people, though. But yeah, being "out there" is on my list of things to do all the time.

2. Actually, now that I think about it I have a lot of friends like that, but not very close friends. I suppose what I need is some work (and advice) on maintaining friendships. I certainly don't have any females in the crew I usually roll with (if it can be said I have such a crew) and at this school, you have the crew you roll with and other people you see hardly ever.

3. Really? Once again, this campus has a reputation of... openness, but no one I know who maintains it.

4. By "forget about her" did you mean, "stop thinking about it too much you clod because you'll just overanalyze things and eff it up" or did you mean to treat it as a loss and move on? Because I really don't see how I lost.

If you meant the former: yes, I know, but at the same time, how is asking for advice "obsessing" if reading this site at all for advice is not? And if you meant the latter, how the hell would that help me "get ready" and not be "needing too much"?

Thanks,
Arioch

 

[Alpha King]

Arioch, In a small population your success depends a lot more on your rep than in a big city. This is why it's critical that you establish social proof through close friends -- both male and female. Get some wingmen who are good at getting women.

As for running into girls regularly, you should interact with girls so that they're slightly warmer to you than you are to them. That's a good rule of thumb. You should be able to ignore them and do your own thing from time to time. Pull back a little next time you bump into a girl you're dating. Maybe instead of stopping to chat, just say hi, smile, and walk on as you have other things to do (which you should have anyway). See how she reacts. Most likely her interest level will rise. Don't over-do it though. If you're constantly ignoring her whenever you see her, she'll figure you're not interested.

 

[Arioch]

Thanks, Alpha. I find your advice on having other things to do easy to implement in terms of having a job, going to the gym, participating in extra-curricular activites, etc., but my question was more directed at things like hanging out on the quad or eating lunch. I'm going to work on focusing on friends at those times, and not girls I date who walk over for some attention.

Better friends and more who are women? Do friends' girlfriends who are also friends but not as good of friends as my friends count? I guess I need to make better friends in general. How does having more female friends help? I thought that was a symptom of a Nice Guy, and having been one of those I wasn't concentrating at all on maintaining or enriching those friendships. I guess I read into that too much.

The bit about the reputation is a little disquieting. The one major relationship I've had since starting here two years ago was exceptionally bad (and led me to this site). I'm sure I have a reputation as being a good guy amongst friends, male and female alike, but those are just friends. I'm not sure about my reputation as a lover or anything. If one exists it's probably not stellar, and could even be really bad.

I thought about my reputation after the break-up of my horrible relationship. I concluded that if my ex tried to generate a bad one, that all though this campus is small its social structure is compartmentalized enough that outside of the places she worked, it wouldn't spread. Evidence suggests that she concentrated more on giving a bad reputation to a friend who was directly involved in the break-up (in a story that is too effed up and complex to relate here), and in the end wound up with a reputation of her own as a psycho hose-beast (if I had anything to do with it, it was only supplying those specific words. Everyone realized this b*tch was nuts). So I think I don't have a reputation at all, and if I do it's for putting up with a crazy, whiney, unsatisfiable b*tch for a year. And maybe for having a large ****.

--
Arioch: Tall. Long. Great.

P.S. If anyone cares about how my date went, I thought it was a lot of fun and one of the best times I've had with a single person, despite my complete lack of planning. The only iffy part was towards the end, I was feeling myself becoming entrenched in the friend zone (in retrospect, maybe not necessarily) so I went for the kiss. It should have happened sooner, but with a smoother transition.

I was just thinking, "I've had a fun time with this girl. We could become good friends. *gasp* Sh*t!"

 

[izza]

NIIIIIICCEE!

Awesome, bro.

--Izza