Dating a girl, looking to make her LTR, New waters for me, need advice

[Rhizzle]

So, I've been on the site here a few months. Been reading and learning and now I'm seeing a pretty cool girl.

We've only been dating about 3 weeks now. I saw her 4 times the first week, but we've slowed a bit since then. But the interest level has only grown.

When we first went out, I misunderstood that her and her ex had broken up about 5 months prior. That was my misinterpretation. It was less than 3 months ago now.

With that said, it is very clear we have good chemistry and there is strong interest., but she is having some issues with "us" and for now is wanting to keep things at a dating level, if that makes sense. Like, she wont stay over with me but the kissing and kinda making outt is very very nice and we're both very into it.

I'm not looking for the sex so I'm fine with the fact that nothing is happening there. However, I would like her to stay over with me. Its not about sex, that will come and I would not want that unless things were going well in an LTR. She knows that, she likes that, nd made it clear that she wasn't ready for that soon either.

So, the thing is, I've only dating two girls ever really. The first, we just sort of were dating, and then it ended in a couple onths. She refused to talk about "stuff".

The second girl, we started dating, and quickly went LTR and it lasted 3 years.

Now, this girl, she seems very into me, but for example, the otther night, when I took her home after our date, I walked her to her door, we went inside, she closed the door, and before I left, this long kissing session started and lasted prob 10 minutes. At one point, I asked her if se wanted me to stay. She said, she couldn't let me do that, and referenced how it had only been 2 and a half months, and she wasn't ready for that.

Also, like, when we go out, she doesn't initiate hand holding, but she is receptive to it. Also, she doesn't really iniiate anything except when she sort of leans over on my shoulder when we're standing or walking, and somtimes sitting on the couch. But I think she is just a very reserved quict, kind of shy girl and wants me to initiate.

When we sit together, or hold hands while walking or driving, I instinctively am carrssing. Whther it be her hand, the palm, or her leg, or back, I caress. Again, she's receptive, but she doesn't really reciprocate. But her kissing, is very active, and she's very into it.

So, I guess I've never dealt with a girl who just wanted to date, and take things slow, and yet be so receptive, but not really initiate.

Is this normal? Should I be worried? I hope this garble makes sense. I'll try to write a more through timeline of events if you guys want me to.

Again, I'm fine with everything going slow, and I'm not looking for the sex cause I wouldn't do that until she was thorough LTR, but I just don't wanna be dating a girl who may be hung up on her ex for many months.

ok, last example, yesterday, I got back into town after christmas and my best friend from college was in town for one day from germany. He lives there now. Well, I txtd her asking her to join us for dinner. I had mentioned before that he'd be here, and would like her to meet him.

Well, yesterday, she basically said, that she didn't wanna go, cause she felt like, her "meeting my best friend" was taking our relationship to a level that she wasn't currently comfortable with. I have been and continued to be patient, and told her I understood, and I appreciate tthe great communication. Which I do appreciate it, and I have been supportive of her and I think we have great communication.

Any thoughts? I guess, my condensed question/issue is, if she needs another month to get over this and be able to spend the night with me and call us bf gf, thats fine. But I don't wanna be sitting here on Valentines and still be "just dating" with no implyed weekends together and such.

Also, note, she has only been living in this state for 4 months now, and doesn't have many friends at all. She is not seeing anyone else, but she has just told me that she has gotten her life into a routine, and she doesn't wanna rush to change that.

Thoughts? Comments?

 

[Rhizzle]

Does anyone even read these forums?

In 3 days I can't get one single reply?

 

[phooey73]

Too long.

 

[iqqi]

Why are you posting this here, and not in the mature mens forum? You'd at least get more "mature" responses from people who read.

Having said that, I do think that inviting her to dinner with you and your friend who you haven't seen in ever was... too much. I mean, why would you want to do that anyways? Answer that.

 

[iqqi]

I guess, my condensed question/issue is, if she needs another month to get over this and be able to spend the night with me and call us bf gf, thats fine. But I don't wanna be sitting here on Valentines and still be "just dating" with no implyed weekends together and such.

This is why you don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I don't necessarily mean spin plates, I am fully aware that some men have a problem with hooking chicks. Your "eggs" can be other activities.

You sound like you have oneitis already, but in terms of desperation, and not actually the chick. You have "caught one" and are ready to "latch on" asap! This is not good thinking, my friend.

I was wondering where you disappeared to, BTW. Glad you're back.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm not looking for the sex so I'm fine with the fact that nothing is happening there.

There's your problem.

(I don't mean to flame you; forgive me in advance for being harsh.)

You're being a wuss. That's why she won't have sex with you. Stop being mr nice guy; it's boring. You have a Hallmark-card type of mindset that puts you closer to a 17 y/o's emotional maturity in relationships than a 27 y/o's. Cut the fairy tale crap; it will only make you miserable.


Again, I'm fine with everything going slow

that's boring fwiw, I expect to get laid by the second date if not the first, or I don't call again. And you say that you are waiting for sex for the sake of a future LTR - I have two GFs now, both of whom would marry me right now if I asked. Cut through your girl's ASD, give her great sex, then ignore her for a day or two while doing the same thing to another woman, and then you will make her ready for a LTR with you. Even better, it will establish the appropriate frame for a happy LTR - she pays you with sex, or you are outta there.

Grow a back bone, and stop lying to yourself about having needs that are worthy of being met. You and your girl will both be happier because of it. Good luck.

 

[iqqi]

^^ Actually, BB, some chicks MEAN IT when they say they need to take it slow. I do not agree with that advice of "don't be a wuss".

 

[Bible_Belt]

That's because you're a woman. I mean you no disrespect, but then again I am not on a woman's forum telling women how to be women.

Maybe some chicks do mean it when they say 'no,' but the ones I meet rarely do. I know they don't mean it, because they say no several times, and then have sex with me anyway. It's just basic ASD that turns away the AFCs.

To the OP, pay no attention to a woman's words; actions are all that matter. Either she will or she won't, and if she won't, then go find another girl who will. And usually by then the first girl who said 'no' will want you again.

 

[Rhizzle]

To Iqqi: Girl, I've been sending you a PM or two here and there and you never respond anymore. I was actually wondering if you were alright cause I never heard from you anymore, didn't see ytou posting lately, and not responding to my messages.

To BB: Look, I came out of a 3 yr LTR in Feb and we never did have sex. We messed around a lot, but I didn't want sex. Yet, it lasted, and ultimately it ended with us because we were justt different people inside, not because of the sex.

You should do whatever you want to do, but thats not who I am. I want sex to be very special and only with someone I love and am in an LTR with.

Now, about the post. Yes, its long. I dunno how else to summarize it. I guess i could have written it more clearly and timelined it.

I'm certainly not a woman. I come across as very confident and very in charge and very mature and manly. I've shown her that I'm both a confident man and yet, I care about her and am not looking for a quick lay.

She is coming out of a 3 yr LTR that ended like 3 months ago. Basically, she thought she was gonna marry the guy and when she got near graduation time, and the planned move to SC, he started making excuses, cause, it was over for him, and he was too cowardly to tell her for 2 months. She tried for another month after she got here to save things, before finally accepting that it was over.

So, you gotta think she was pretty hurt. That takes time. Looking back, I wasn't in the right state of mind to be with someone after my breakup, so I can understand.

However, I just dunno what her timeline is. I'm not trying to force her hand though because she is respecting my patience and careing of her. However, I will continue on some level to initiate and try to ask her to stay over with me. (She hasn't yet).

I think she wants to, but she can't quite bring herself to yet, although I've flat out said, that sex is not gonna happen right now, thats not what I'm after.

However, she is VERY much into me. When we kiss at the end of a date, itts like 10 minutes or more of quality.

So, I'm just trying to see what the timeline might be. I mean, another month of her sorting things in her mind, sure. But I don't wanna be sitting here in 2 months and us not be exclusive and official, and spending the night together(sex or no sex).

 

[Desdinova]

We've only been dating about 3 weeks now.

This is too early to be considering a LTR. It looks like you've been trying to make it into one since you got this:

but she is having some issues with "us" and for now is wanting to keep things at a dating level, if that makes sense.

Sounds like she's fvcking someone else and isn't all that interested in you. She's reciprocating when you kiss or touch her, but that's all she's doing. Women who are genuinely interested will initiate a lot of the contact.

I'm not looking for the sex so I'm fine with the fact that nothing is happening there.

This is also a problem. Do you REALLY prefer fvcking your hand as opposed to fvcking a beautiful woman? If your answer is yes, then you should give up dating women.

You are a man and you have the natural desire to fvck women. Don't suppress that desire just because society says that desire is wrong. You have every right to want sex with women, and you should be making this clear with this woman. Don't communicate this verbally, communicate it with body language. Squeeze her ass, suck on the back of her neck, and stick your goddam tongue down her throat. If she pulls back, then go do something else.

Women love feeling sexy and when you begin to take it away, she will want more. It's just like eating a potato chip; you can't eat just one because you crave more. Sexual attention works very much the same way.

She is coming out of a 3 yr LTR that ended like 3 months ago.

Here is another problem: you're a rebound guy. There is a good chance she's just looking for some attention while she gets over her last relationship. Once she feels she no longer needs an attention substitute, she will ditch you and find another guy who WILL fvck her brains out.

 

[Rhizzle]

You may be right that its too early to make it an LTR.

She is definately not seeing anyone else. Trust me, I'm sure of that.

I do think she's very interested, but she is not wanting to let herself like someone else, after she was recently hurt like that.

Like, last time we discussed any of it was when I asked if she wanted me to stay the night with her, and she said she just couldn't, and referenced how it had only been 2 and a half months, and she was gonna marry the guy. But then added, "But I'm totally over him". I said, well, there are clearly different definitions of "over". She quietly agreed.

I do admit, that I'd like her to initiate more. I think she's just a VERY shy kind of girl and expects the guy to do it all.

The third time I saw her, she came to my house, I cooked dinner, and we ate and watched a movie. We sat together, like, she was in my arms, watching. At the end of the movie, we were talking, face to face, and thats when I first kissed her.

After we kissed, she said, "I was wondering when you were gonna do that". And she said she thought I was gonna do tthat during the movie, but I waited. It surprised her.

But it was good, so, if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have purposefully put herself in that position knowing/expecting what was gonna happen.

Next, Be clear, the no sex now, is NOT a problem for me. I would not have sex with her unless its an LTR. Thats my beliefs and choice and thats how it is with me. I think she likes that fact. I do however, want her to stay the night with me, and she has not wanted to do that. Said she isn't ready for that.

I deff do my share of kino and all that stuff. I don't sit back and wait for her to touch me and such.

I know, one night, at her house, we were just hanging out, and she was seeming odd, and I felt like I was bothering her. (I was basically just being close, and touching her back and such. And we were sitting on the couch and I went in for a kiss at that time, and she wasn't into it at that time.

So, I was like, look, sorry, I'm not trying to annoy you, so i'm just gonna back up a little bit. (I slid away like a foot).

It was probably 5 minutes, MAYBE 10, and she had slid over next to mean, and was sort of leaning on me, and then a few minutes later she apologized for acting weird. Said she'd just had a really bad day, etc etc etc. She was much warmer to me the rest of the evening till I left.

So, those things tells me theres good interest.

as far as being a rebound guy, you might be right. I hope not. To me, if she was quick to see me a lot, and wanted some sex quickly then yea, a rebound.

To me, all this says she likes me, but she wants to take things slow, heal her heart as she goes, get to know me, and see what happens.

I could be wrong, but these are my thoughts.

We have a date tonight. Going to see some lights in a park. They have a parking area near the end. Its a drive through display.

I'm gonna park, and have some ice sandwiches from panera in the back, and some bottled water (Thats about ALL she drinks, no soda, no wine).

So, my plan is to sit in my back seat, and eat, and drink and talk and hopefully just be close.

Then, hopefully, I'll get her to come back to my place where we can hang out some more, maybe lay on the couch and talk.

She's kind of a homebody, and so am I to a degree. I am not wanting tthe sex. I just wanna be close, and touch her, and hold her, and talk and get to know her.

Not sure if I should again bring up her staying over tonight (doubt she will).

I don't wanna annoy her with that, but I do want that.

Not sure if I wanna approach the topic of what we are and if its going in a good direction. and tell her, I'd like her to stay over, and I could understand her only wanting to do that if we were something more, and ask if she thinks things are moving in that direction. I dunno.

I know you guys wanna act all mysterious and not talk about things. I however, don't mind talking, being honest, communicating and finding out where we stand and what we are.

Thoughts are welcome as always?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Rhizzle, this is a forum on how to seduce women. I'm not knocking your beliefs, except to say that hardly anyone here shares them. If you asked for advice on loveshack or christianity.com then the people there are going to be more receptive to your no-sex mindset. But here it does not make much sense. I don't know how to give you advice on how not to get laid. But good luck to you, whatever makes you happy.

 

[Rhizzle]

I appreciate your thought, opinion, and honesty.

I'm not here to learn to seduce. I'm here to learn tto approach, initiate, display alpha confidence, etc etc etc.

I'm doing that I believe. To each his own.

Thanks for the comments.

 

[Bible_Belt]

approach, initiate, display alpha confidence, etc etc etc.

fwiw, I do all of that a lot better when I am getting laid. It is all a lot easier when you are having sex.

But good luck regardless.

 

[Obsidian]

Rhizzle, you are schizophrenic. You say you don't want sex, but here you are complaining that she won't sex you. You keep asking her to "stay the night" when you aren't even trying to have sex with her. You reserve sex for loving LTRs (not marriage), but you never had sex during your last, 3-year LTR. You're a confident man, but you saw the same chick four times the first week you met her.

I disagree with many of the hormongers on this website, such as Bible Belt and Desdinova, who promote early promiscuous sex with as many babes as possible. But it sounds like the hor matrix is EXACTLY what you're looking for, whether you admit it or not. Understand the Natural Order of Things, and make up your mind what it is you really want!

If you want to have sex with this girl, then just go ahead and take Bible Belt's advice. If you don't want to have sex with her, stop inviting her to spend the night already! And whatever you do, let any abstinence be because of morals and true character, not because you're just too chicken to go get it.

 

[Rhizzle]

I certainly don't consider myself crazy, but I respect your opinion nontheless.

I do not keep asking her for sex, I'm asking her to stay over, and wehn I've asked, or we've discussed it, its been clear that I don't mean "stay for sex".

Yes, my last 3 yr LTR we didn't. I was younger, and it started out, and I was settling then, and didnt realize it, but sex didnt feel like the right thing to do then.

It never did feel right, cause (now I realize) we were just different people, and weren't meant for each other.

I've grown a LOT since then, and now I do want love and an LTR, and then I want the sex, and I am not feeling those drawbacks to the sex with this girl that I felt with the last because I think we are MUCH more compatible, and on the same page about almost everything. It just feels right.

Before, I didn't know what right felt like, cause I'd never felt it. I'm not saying I'm in love with this girl, but it certainly feels different and better and I believe the sex will come in the LTR fairly soon, if she stays around.

So, I don't want to pressure her, but yes I want her to stay with me, and I want more than random dating.

I just don't wanna scare the girl off while getting to know her.



Also, yes I saw her 4 times that week, cause I like her, and it would seem she likes me. How much is debatable. I still have friends, I still do other things, and I do not talk to her every day by any means. Not even close.

Yes, I do consider myself a confident man, who likes what he's seein and whats more.

Thanks again for all the thoughts. They are appreciated. I'm heading out to see her in a few

 

[Gangster Of Love]

You need to stop being a girly man. The reason she doesn't want to have sex, well there are several reasons.

1. She still has feelings for her ex, and he's most likely still tappin' that a$s.

2. You told her you didn't want to/need to have sex with her. Big mistake. In your pursuit to become her "He's different than all those sex hungry guys", you are surely and fastly becoming her girlfriend. Or the "non-sexually" threatening male. Women don't want that. The next new guy that she wants a relationship with, will tap her, and will do it rather quick.

3. Your social conditioning is making you feel guilty about being a sexual being. I've gone through it as a teenager, and a lot of men here have experienced it. This will not work, unless you are dealing with a woman who doesn't, or hasn't had sex. My guess is that she was sexually active with her ex. They all want the c0ck. She wants it, but now won't come out and say it, being that you told her you don't want it. You don't want to give it to her,you have your reasons. She doesn't care about what your reasons.

Don't believe everything she tells you. I could give you examples of every excuse she's giving you being what closed the deal (she wanting to take things to the next level) for me or others in that very situation. Example, one girl I was dating, really felt like we were an item right after I had her hang out with me and my best friend. Women are so adaptable.

 

[Rhizzle]

ok, So I started to not even reply to this thread to avoid the bashing but I waited 3 days, and decided to go ahead and post.

BTW, the ex isn't tappin it cause he lives 3 hours away.

First off, Gangster...

I just saw in another thread where you said that when you get a good kiss, that seals the deal that their is romantic interest between the two people.

Keep that thought for in a min.

So, ok,
We go out Sunday evening. We go see the lights. Things seem mostly ok, except that she was SUPER busy right till I walked in the door but she said, I had planned this little date so she wasn't gonna cancel on it.

Well, near the end of the drive through light thing, theres a parking area to watch the dancing forest.

We park, and we ate some food I brought, and she's not sitting near me like I hoped.

So, we finish eating, and she says, she needed to talk. yes, talk

So, we talk, for like an hour, and basically, she tells me that she doesn't have romantic feelings for me. WTF?

She tells me that she was interested and attracted but didn't have the romantic feelings for me. She said she wanted to have those feelings, thought she would, but she doesn't.
She wants us to be friends, yada yada.

I said something about how, the attraction and interest is sort of like a romantic feeling so it didn't make sense.

Well, she tried to explain it, it never made sense.

So, I dunno. I have to admit I'm a little shocked cause she was totally into that kissing.

She even said ....((when I brought it up), that 2 weeks ago, when I took her home, and we were making out at her door, and I asked if she wanted me to stay, she didn't answer, I asked again, and she said no.)

......that she did want me to stay, but that she was feeling confused about what she wanted, and didn't know, and didn't want to complicate things and make it worse before she figured out what she was feelin.

This sounds like crap, but I believe that she is sayin what she thinks she believes at least. She seems soo honest and straight forward. She's also a very rational and analytical person, unlike most girls.

Now, I know personally, when i broke up with MY ex of 3 years, I went through a period where I thought I wanted something, BUT, I could have found someone attractive, but at the same time, would have felt a little void right in that spot where you have that romantic (I care for them) feeling.

I think she's attracted, and interested, and yet she's feelin that void after her 3 yr deal where ..."she thought she was gonna marry him"....and so she doesn't realize its not a lack of desire for me, its a block cause her heart was broken.

Ok, I'm probably gonna get some bashing for how I handled this, but whatever, hopefully I will get some good replys too.

Maybe I shoulda pushed to stay with her that night, but I still contend that I didn't want sex that early on.

Thanks for any help.

I wanna hang out with her this weekend, and I'm thinking, since we've been very open and honest, and there was OBVIOUS interest and attraction, that maybe this weekend, make one last little push, and say, .....

something like,...

"lets try this again, and try to kiss her once more." or something.

I dunno...but it sucks

 

[Rhizzle]

Oh, let me add, on the note of becoming her non-threatening friend, I FELT LIKE, i wasn't letting that happen because I never took an timid AFC approach to her.

As in, I never stood back afraid to touch her, or kiss her.

I would walk in and make contact with an embracing hug, i'd grab her hand and hold it when we were walking, but my arm around her back and shoulder walking. I would always be sure and touch the lower back with my hand, its a very sexual place.

So, I thought I fended that off well.

 

[Rhizzle]

BTW, I am really hoping you guys can be helpful, and not go into bashing mode.

I admit, i'm learning. I hate that I probably squandered a cool girl while learning here, but maybe I did, and maybe she just wasn't meant for me.

I'm in growth mode. I'm thinking of going back to the fragrance area at the mall today. There was this really amazing girl there that I saw 2 days before Christmas, and I thought I got some really great eye contact with her.

So, I think I'm just gonna walk up to her, and say,

So, I thought I might come in here, and pretend like I was looking at some scents, or nail polish, but thats just a little creepy cause me and pastel pink just doesn't flow.

So, instead, I decided I'd just walk up and say hello, and find out if you'd meet me for lunch on your next break.

How does that sound?

OR.....

So, I thought I might come in here, and pretend like I was looking at some scents, or nail polish, but thats just a little creepy cause me and pastel pink just doesn't flow.

I could have come over and done some little song and dance involving an imaginary monkey and a jar of kosher dills, ...but seriously, I'm 27, u are? _____ and thats just ridiculous and clearly not worthwhile for anything other than the pure entertainment value of seeing me with a monkey and a pickle jar.

So, instead, I decided I'd just walk up and say hello, and find out if you'd meet me for lunch on your next break.


BTW, it sucks I have bad eyes, I have the hardest time noticing the ring on the finger. If the hands moving fast, I can't pick it up from any other ring.

Which finger am I to be looking at btw????