Darkened State of Mind

[taiyuu_otoko]

I ask myself, "What light do I have to shine to the world?" And I draw a blank.

You speak of "goals". A "goal", to me, would have to be either something that I 1) enjoy doing or 2) dislike doing, but provides enough value to "God" or the universe that I would enjoy doing it for that reason alone...it would be worth it.

I can't think of a damned thing. I fail to see my own self-worth.

Make that your first goal then. To find your light. May take a while, and you may even have to sort through a few careers, but keep looking, and you'll find it. (hint, it's probably not on the internet)

And forget pleasing "God" or "The Universe" or "Society," that's a suckers game. Tap into your selfish core and find out what YOU really want out of life. Don't think in terms of what light you can find and shine to others. You being bold and brave enough to take from the world what you want is the light she speaks of.

By being selfish and going after your own goals with all you've got, you will inspire many more people that by proving "God" made a worthy human or some other nonsense.

Whatever you want is yours.

Identify it (may take six months to a year)

Take it (may require the rest of your life.)

It's yours.

Start by looking at whatever things you have/do in life that make you happy and satisfied. Whatever it is about those "things," figure out a way to get more of it, expand on it, and increase it.

Again, this will take a while, so don't expect to figure it out in a couple of hours while listening to your iPod.

Journaling for thirty minutes a day or so can help, as can many other things.

But action is required. Take it. Consistently. You'll find your way.

 

[Kailex]

It's funny squirrels, because it's probably your writing that could get you those beachhouses in just a few years.

I've seen your writing here, and it's very eloquent at times but always simple enough to get the point.

I do have to agree with iqqi in something though...
Are you simply not going to write because you feel anything you write is plagarism or is it because of the fact that you might be afraid of something deeper within you?

I'd really like to see you write something, get published, and profit.

And like you said, nothing WE can say will turn it around for you, it starts and ends with you.

Turn it around brother.

 

[Razor Sharp]

Well if you got nothing why not make your living on that? It sure worked for Seinfeld, which indeed was a "show about nothing". Lots of people out there can relate to depression and emptiness, you have a large core audience already - you just need to stop being a lazy queer and put your pen to the paper.

 

[wait_out]

+1 for iqqi, and I think your reply to her was rationalization. I've been in your situation. For me the issue was I had to reject the conventional definition of what would make me happy.

When I see all those expensive houses... I don't give a sh!t. I would feel empty inside them. Check this -- one of the places I enjoyed myself most was in the countryside in Kandahar (hell on earth right ), living with a company of Afghan soldiers, my 6-man support team, and the interpreters. I don't want to live in some paradise for lazy rich people making money off their investments, or work downtown to make money just to impress some shallow self-centered b!tch with a nice car. It's just who I am.

Do you think there's a danger of getting hurt running around a conflict area? Fvcking right. However that I can accept. I wasn't willing to accept dying just to chase the next adrenaline high because I was bored, though.

Squirrels, there is so much good advice in this thread, and you've received a lot in the past, you really ought to consider this: you just lack the courage to break out of your rut. Stop intellectualizing this and simplify, or you will never do anything. If you're really that unhappy, what do you have to lose? Yeah, a lot of guys do hit the pavement. It sucks. Some guys see the ground disappear beneath them -- wrong place, wrong time. Some guys take the jump and live to tell the tale. But by far, man, most guys refuse to take risks and live what Thoreau called 'lives of quiet desperation'. Maybe I misquoted, I am less the academic type these days.

Why don't you become a CIA operator running around Africa or something? Beats playing X-Box in your house all day...

 

[SamePendo]

Besides, I don't think "money" alone will fix this.

People will die, you will have huge dissapointments in life, you will also have great opportunities, great celebrations. That is a fact, what you can change is how, in what circumstances you will be in when you face this. In your current sh!tty house with regular income, or at the house in the lake with available money to go anywhere in the world and enjoy whatever you want to.

You are made of body, mind, and soul. To feed your body, cover it with clothes and a roof, you need money. To buy books, material to feed your mind, you need money. To have the resources to have peace of mind you need money.

Having said that, I, at the same time, agree with taiyuu.

 

[DanelMadr]

My grand grand father used to say:
"Life is like stairs to hen house. Short and ****ty." What he meant was don't slip and enjoy the little things.

My grand father said:"When you are tired of friends, beer and fooling around, THEN it is maybe the time to start family."

I know here you come from Squirrels.
It is hard to be clever enough to see the real value of things but not clever enough to invent something of more value. And I know beforehand that things people are generally pursuing won't make me any happier in the end.

Iqqi talks about FEAR of fail. I think she is right. However I know from experience that once you try and succeed, the goal is not the answer to your happiness.

Let's use the old wisdom....Enjoy the Path. Stay focused in the present, not worrying about the past and dreaming about future...enjoy the little things present moment offers.

I suppose you should travel...you will be more grateful for a toilet then

I had quite a ****ty life experiences so I think I can appreciate the little things.

I like people but I agree with you. Even the concept of after life...Do they think they are so important that God made it so they can flow in the paradise or hell?
It does not mean (not for me) to be an azzhole (when hell is not)...just make the world better place by example at least.

Maybe a change in career might help. I almost became a cop. However being a cop in my country sucks. Might be better in US.

Kids are selfish creatures who think world revolves around them and evryone owes them. That's how most adults operate these days. The mature ones just live their life not expecting any miracles. Maybe your inner child is dying?

I'm sure you will be fine squirrels. Maybe you just need to kick yourself to action...I know I need a kick and pretty strong too.

Read Generation Kill. It helped me.

 

[Irs88]

squirrals man. You really changed my life with your "why be urself means be urself" It was an amazing post and I am so grateful to give some advice back to you.

I used to be in a dark state. Hated people and the world for what it is. How its unfair, how people are so selfish, ignorant, etc. Then I learned none of it matters at all.

I read a book called "the power of now" by eke tolle. THis book changed my life. It made me realize that everyhtin that you and I worried about does not matter. You have no clue how much happiness I get from just living everyday life. Walking in a park, sitting down and just observing the birds, the ducks, and blue jays. I learn so much from them.

Please man, go through that audio listening/book. It will make your life have purpose. That purpose is to appreciate and see the life of everything around you and specifically the NOW.

 

[squirrels]

squirrals man. You really changed my life with your "why be urself means be urself" It was an amazing post and I am so grateful to give some advice back to you.

I used to be in a dark state. Hated people and the world for what it is. How its unfair, how people are so selfish, ignorant, etc. Then I learned none of it matters at all.

I read a book called "the power of now" by eke tolle. THis book changed my life. It made me realize that everyhtin that you and I worried about does not matter. You have no clue how much happiness I get from just living everyday life. Walking in a park, sitting down and just observing the birds, the ducks, and blue jays. I learn so much from them.

Please man, go through that audio listening/book. It will make your life have purpose. That purpose is to appreciate and see the life of everything around you and specifically the NOW.

That book is sitting on my nightstand and I've read it several times.

Normally it's enough to just be present "in the now". But I've always had beef with the Zen approach to life, because in eliminating desire, you also eliminate ambition/aspirations. I could easily live out the rest of my life in relative comfort, but I consider desire and discontent to be part of the human experience. Better to experience the bad for an opportunity to experience the good than just stay even-keel/neutral and experience neither.

I'm not bothered so much by the desires I have, just bothered by the fact that they're particularly vague (just a general desire to continue to grow and evolve in life) and that I don't really see any path, or even set of first steps, toward achievement of that desire.

I feel like even though there's more out there, my OWN potential has "peaked". I'm frightened by the idea that what I am now is all I will ever be. Even if that IS my nature, I can't accept that. If all is indeed "as it should be", then I can't help feeling ripped off. Not miserable or anything...there are PLENTY of people MUCH worse off than me...but just ripped off.

 

[Trader]

Make that your first goal then. To find your light. May take a while, and you may even have to sort through a few careers, but keep looking, and you'll find it. (hint, it's probably not on the internet)

And forget pleasing "God" or "The Universe" or "Society," that's a suckers game. Tap into your selfish core and find out what YOU really want out of life. Don't think in terms of what light you can find and shine to others. You being bold and brave enough to take from the world what you want is the light she speaks of.

By being selfish and going after your own goals with all you've got, you will inspire many more people that by proving "God" made a worthy human or some other nonsense.

You are free to do whatever you want and to go for what you want - but I will be mocking you in the end, when fame, money, career success, sex do not satisfy you.

The *world* will never be able to satisfy you. Kings have been unhappy and they had more worldly pleasures than you or I will ever hope to have.

 

[Mr.Positive]

.

The *world* will never be able to satisfy you. Kings have been unhappy and they had more worldly pleasures than you or I will ever hope to have.

There is a lot of truth in those words Trader.

We live in a society that feeds us the "happiness is right around the corner" mentality. If I only get that car, I'll be happy. When I graduate, I will be happy. When I get my dream job, I will be happy. Look at all those happy people in the commercials, I need to purchase things to be like them...

It makes the world go round. Chasing things. If everyone all of a sudden just stopped for a moment, and realized, that you can't achieve happiness from external things...

Happiness comes from within.

It's like a light, that shines from inside of us. The brighter it gets...the more it shows outward from within. It draws others to that light, other bright lights.

For example, I work with a guy who's just like that...next thing we know, we are just having a blast, laughing, enjoying life. We feed off of each other's energy that way. Work becomes great fun, and the time flies away.

You've got to find, what's inside you, that makes your light shine. Ya ain't gonna find it from the outside.

 

[Serg897]

Squirrels, this post of yours resonates with me in a lot of ways. All too often I find myself with exactly the same mindset - angry at the universe and at people for being so unfair, the injustice everywhere. Times that I wonder what the point of existence is, given the fact that in 100 years we are most likely going to be dead and decomposed, and forgotten soon afterwards. I've seen your old posts, and they are often pretty brilliant. Its comforting to know that even those who can offer the greatest advice go through these emotional highs and lows - we are all human.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for. A great place to live, working on a great career that I love, my health, and a stable financial situation. But if I focus on the "chasing" mentality, trying to get happiness from external things, it always seems to leave me empty. No matter how much I get, I always want more.

This weekend, my brother got married at this beautiful bayside marina. Watching the sun set on the bay with friends and family was one of the richest experiences of my life...it was so beautiful I just wanted to live there. I started looking at how much houses were in that area.

....

So pure joy becomes despair...as if life is putting something in front of me just to remind me what I DON'T have.

Shouldn't you be living in the moment, and enjoying that sunset as it happens, rather than focusing on how you cant experience it in the future? Imagine for a moment that you did live in that area - you would become saturated with beautiful sunsets every night. It probably wouldn't seem so special anymore. The focus would then shift to other things you don't have. Like Mr. Positive already said, true happiness comes from within.

I would often benefit from my own advice. Last night, I went out to one of the busy bars in Fed Hill (you're in Baltimore so you know) for a friends birthday. I was so focused on trying to pick up a woman that I set myself up for failure before I even started. By focusing on the future, I wasn't living in the present. Then I start thinking about my recent ex, how she doesn't give flying fvck about me anymore, and its a deadly downward spiral if left unchecked.

This morning I woke up this way - but I turned it around with the realizations that I wasn't living in the moment, and that by focusing on what I don't have I was setting myself up to suffer. You cant let others, or anything, dictate your happyness - the only factor is yourself. Ever since my most recent ex dumped me I've been on this journey to figure this out for myself.....

 

[strong like bull]

squirrels, it really is all in your head.

a wise man once said, "life turns out exactly the way you think it will".


the universal law is such that your thoughts and energy (positive or negative) manifests into reality. if you keep telling yourself, "im a useless has-been" then you will BE such. that negative energy will draw unfavorable situations into your life.

the human mind is truly remarkable. hands down, our greatest asset yet also potentially our most dangerous enemy. it has the power to lift us to amazing heights, or crush our own dreams under the weight of negative thought.

i have persevered through many unfavorable situations. frustrated as an inexperienced young man, i would respond to these events with anger. "why is this happening to ME?!" but over time i learned the hard way, its not what happens to us thats important, is how we react to it. do you continue on your path, or just give up?

i think as men, that is part of our journey. we gain experience via overcoming troubles. pushing forward. learning to have the MENTAL strength and endurance to hone your vision on what REALLY matters, blocking out the rest. over time we have the potential to build cast-iron mindsets, staying positive and strong while blocking out negative thoughts and fears. i truly believe that we get to a point where we can masterfully handle situations that would absolutely crush lesser men.

i agree that youre definitely at a crossroads in your life right now. the question is, whether or not youre going to use this situation to your advantage. you can do two things:

1) let this situation tell you that you are at your end, no potential left.. no more dreams to pursue, no more people in influence, no one to share love and happiness with.. and shrivel up and die. fall into the abyss with the rest of the mindless, spineless, worthless guys out there wasting their existence

OR

2) take control, using this situation as an eye opener. use it as a CATALYST to take steps towards turning your dreams to reality. let this be the life changing moment that lights a fire in your belly, giving you the desire to triumph over fear and doubt


in the end, the choice really is yours. you have the power to manifest either of those two paths into reality regardless of whether you realize or not.

and remember, life turns out the way you think it will.

-SLB

 

[Powerlifter]

Squirrels, my apology for my former post and anyone else who had to read it was only trying to be humorous and trying to lighten your load.

Powerlifter

 

[penkitten]

squirrels, was it you that had a horrible bike wreck a few years ago and had to do all the physical therapy to walk again?
if so, please let me know how you are doing physically.

 

[squirrels]

squirrels, was it you that had a horrible bike wreck a few years ago and had to do all the physical therapy to walk again?
if so, please let me know how you are doing physically.

My hip's still a little tight in the morning...and my left leg may be a hair shorter than the right...but I'm gonna be headed to the gym in about an hour and I plan to do some treadmill time. I'm like 99% of where I was, you can't tell in my walk any more, and I'm back to stuff like rock climbing and...yes...motorcycle riding.