cutting off contact with an ex?

[rbd]

Hi guys,

Haven't posted here in awhile, but things have been going quite well. I was involved in a LTR for about a year and a month before I decided to call it quits about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The girl was excellent, and was really into me, but she moved away to go to college in a town about 2 hours away and I didn't want a LDR. Besides, I'm only 23 and am ready to meet some other girls before I settled down, we both needed to live our own lives. I did the breakoff and it was VERY smooth, i.e. no hurt feelings. We are on good terms.

After this, I removed her screenname from AIM, put her pictures away, took her name off of my cell phone, etc etc...pretty standard procedure. My intention was to cut contact so that we both could move on. I told her this but she didn't see much sense in totally cutting off contact, and I said that we could try the occasional contact but I'd let her know if it wasn't working out.

So since then, we've had contact here and there online (usually she'll message me but sometimes I have gotten weak and messaged her, just to see what's up). Usually I don't care but sometimes I'll think about her and what she might be up to, until I tell my mind to stop it. I take care of myself, but this almost exclusively happens when I didn’t get enough sleep or am overworked (anxiety will set in more then, for biological reasons). Past that, I am self employed and usually keep VERY busy and try to have my focus on other things.

Anyhow, the ex is living her college life down there and seems to be enjoying it...she has plenty of new friends. I really did love the girl, and it was my choice to end it (which I don't regret at all), but at this point I kind of want to call her up and nicely tell her that I'd rather not have any contact with her for awhile, instead of this off and on stuff. I’m not sure if that would be a childish move or not though…, she’s done nothing to “get my goat”, and if anything I am the one bothering my own self though my thoughts. Plus, _I_ was the one that ended the relationship.

As an aside, last night I hit it off and got with another girl that is just as smart, good looking, etc, as the ex, and although she lives about 3 hours from me, she visits often and I'm fine with the long distance fvck buddy setup. (I knew what would happen with this girl from the first 2 seconds I saw her, as her eyes widened when she was introduced to me….from there it was natural on my part...and I thought I was rusty, hahaha!) Despite this girl, I still think about the ex, mostly because she messaged me again this morning. (It's funny though, that it was this morning that she messaged me, when I had gotten with this new girl the night before....women seem to have a shared consciousness about these kinds of things. She doesn't seem to miss me, and does not show her feelings, she just messaged me to say what's up.

But enough with the rambling. Basically, I'm just wondering if I should cut things off totally, or just deal with the occasional check-ins by her and keep it terse? She is a quality girl, and I could be her friend some day, but not now. I have no intentions about telling her about my personal life now, because quite honestly, I don't want to know about hers.

What do those who have been in similar situations recommend?

 

[Grey Fox]

The answer is yes cut contact with her. It sounds like you still think about her and I bet at times you think you made a mistake. Cut contact it will help, other wise you'll find this friendliness between you and your EX to be confusing and will drag down your game. EXs are not meant to be kept as friends, and there is no such thing as leaving on good terms, because if things were good you would have stayed. Putting this EX out of your life will be a big step for you and a hard one.

-Grey Fox

 

[flexion_]

Yep - cut all contact with the EX. You still have feelings for her on some level and this will affect your future relationships.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Is it just me or does it seem like posts about EX girlfriends tend to be longer than posts about current girlfriends?

 

[the_great_gaia]

being friends with an ex is at her advantage. this is her time to throw her joys without you in your face, trying to make you regret what you did (breaking up with her). she's angry deep inside because of what you did and she's probably out there doing things your worst fears can only imagine. but you don't have to go thru this. cut her off. and don't tell her that you're gonna cut her off, just do it.

no one likes to know when they're gonna die, it just makes it more PAINFUL.. dying without wind of it, is less painful. IF YOU CARE then keep it to yourself, but yes- cut her off and move on. block her from your list and change your number. Let her serve to you only as a memory of the past.

 

[SeldomSeen]

RE:

I have very minimal contact with all my ex's except my current one (we talk everyday) The thing about the ex is simple: if you still have strong feelings for her then cut it off because you're not going to get over it easy. If you dont have strong feelings then by all means check up and say hi every blue moon. Now I really have nothing to say to my ex's except hi, I wish them all well (not all of them) but what is done is done. There really isnt anything to lose or gain in my opinion unless you forsee yourself one day getting back with her.

When you get to a certain age you stop thinking about winning or losing and you just think about what you shared and didnt share what was fun and what didnt work, etc

 

[jbbrain]

dont know how old this thread is but....

I can relate. My ex came up from new jersey to mtl for the weekend to have a mini reunion with her uni friends...

Seeing her totally brought back some of those "feelings" (ewww) and even more memories that I felt I was already so over with(sleeping/messing around with multiple girls over the course of 3 monthst without any contact with the ex will make u feel this way).

Anyways, more to the point.

the answer really depends on how strong you are. How strong are your beliefs that you will never get involved with this chcik again? Do you mind hearing about new guys she is fukking?

And the list goes on and on...these are a few crucial ones to watch out for.

Heatring about new guys she is ****kin or has fukked since the breakup CAN be quite the mouthful to handle....no, I'll admit it...it was tough hearing how she fukked some guy she only knew for a week in paris...but hey:


When you've fukked over 10 girls and have gotten bj's from 20 more during those 3 months apart..well, it kinda puts things in perspective

My advice. If you are asking about what to do in this situation, it means you still care. It might help just to move on and cut all contatc with this broad...at least until u know youve fully accepted your breakup...at the end of the day, when youve realized before going to bed that you hadnt thought about her once...you know youre well on your way.

 

[backbreaker]

I don't know what it is about me, and I guess i'm th eonly person I know that does this but I can be into a girl, really into her, but once I decide it's OVER... It's OVER.

my last GF... I really cared about her, was really into her... I don't throw out the word love loosely if at all... I cared about her, let's just leave it at that.

One day, after she lied to me about where she went the previous night, i decided my life was alot better off BEFORE she was in the picture then it was now, even though I was single and broke up with her.


And once I did, it's like all of the sexual feelings, all of the caringness went out the door. I really and still don't like her like that anymore. She tried, even stilll tries to get back with me, but I just don't like her in a sexual way any longer

Therefore, I have no problem with her calling me to talk to me from time to time.. hell she just called me an hour ago.

She swears I am screwing someone else.. and I am... but that's not it, because I felt this way fromt he SECOND we broke up

 

[mattathensga]

GET A NEW GIRL! I don't know if I'd cut the contact off completely, as it may be a path you may wish to revisit... no need in burning bridges... GEt a new girl, and start to converse with the ex about her, that will at least get you some distance... sure you still have feelings for her.. any relationship that ends pleasantly will have those lingering feelngs, but you made the choice to move on, yet you've done NOTHING to show that you ARE moving on...

 

[rbd]

hey guys,

Just an update. She called me up two nights ago to talk to me and to possibly meet up for lunch the next day. I figured I'd try to see if this bothered me, so I met up with her. I knew this would be a mistake, and guess what: I was right . Generally these days I am a very confident guy and have my act straight, but when I was around her I didn't like the way I was thinking or acting. It's not like I was still in "love" with her, but she was looking great and I was still quite sexually attracted to her. I do agree with the_great_gaia when he said that she'll paint a really great image about what she's up to, as she did do that. (It was almost like she was subtly trying to get back with me, talkng about how there are all these guys interested in her but that she hasn't done anything sexual with any of them.) Anyhow, that night I knew that I needed to move on and tell her that we needed to cut contact for now. I could tell that she needed to move on too, whether she knew it or not.

I had to give her the speech, as I can't change my number (I conduct business on it) and we have mutual friends.

So today we met up, and I had a talk with her face to face. My speech to her went very smoothly, and she said that she would respect my wishes. No bridges were burnt, and I was very nice and thoughtful about it. (I said because of our history and who we are, I will always care about her, but that I just couldn't be in contact with her for now.)
I had her tearing up a bit though, but that will happen . We will both get over eachother with time, and I'll call her up again one day when I'm well and fully moved on.

I admit, I did have some second thoughts the night before on doing this, but I knew I had to follow through...it was the right thing to do. The contact with her WAS killing my game (not just with other girls, but with motivation with my jobs, and in other areas of life). I resolved that I simply won't allow myself to feel that way about a girl anymore and let a woman have that power over me. For anyone in my shoes contemplating this move, this is the right choice.

So thanks guys for the info and the support!

Robby

 

[penkitten]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Is it just me or does it seem like posts about EX girlfriends tend to be longer than posts about current girlfriends?

its because they wont go away..
which reminds me of a song...
"girl dont go away mad ...
girl just go away"

 

[SeldomSeen]

Originally posted by rbd
I resolved that I simply won't allow myself to feel that way about a girl anymore and let a woman have that power over me.
Robby

Your 21 trust me you'll feel that strong about a girl again unless you join a monastery or become gay. It comes with the territory.

 

[rbd]

Originally posted by SeldomSeen
Your 21 trust me you'll feel that strong about a girl again unless you join a monastery or become gay. It comes with the territory.

Well put. When I was saying it I was thinking about the last girlfriend I had. It took me 6 months to finally get over her, simply because I kept seeing her from day to day and that I didn't step away. Obviously, when one enters some kind of relationship with a girl that he cares about (at least a bit) there will have to be an exit point that hurts, but the issue here is not allowing oneself to get so dragged down with what was, and picking up yourself and moving on.

 

[Grey Fox]

Good to hear you turned things around. Like Bob Marley said, "No woman, no cry."

-Grey Fox

 

[Phoenix_of_the_ashes]

I think its really inconsiderate of your ex to send you messages when you asked to break contact for awhile.

 

[rbd]

update

Hey guys...an update,

Well I feel pretty crappy, but I feel I did the right thing over all.

Up to yesterday I had been doing fine. I still thought about this girl, but I was focused on my life and was feeling great.

Then, this same girl contacts me yesterday asking if I'm ready to talk to her again. Like a dumbass I ask what's up, and we have a good length phone conversation. She says that she really hasn't found anyone over there she has a real "connection" with, like she does her best girlfriend friend (who has been gone for awhile) and I. She’s nostalgic about “the connection we had”, etc. Enjoying school but it's obvious she's having some problems finding people she likes and adjusting. Crying to me on the phone, had all this cuddle energy to get out, bla bla bla. I make it clear to her why we cut off communication, and that I can't be her boyfriend again. At some point the news of the girl I've been messing around with gets out (my friend had told me she knew...well it seems she didn't), she tells me she hasn't found anyone yet that she liked enough to have sex with. Said she was feeling jealous of me because I had found someone new and jealous of the girl because she was having relations with me now. This girl will usually not come straight out like that… it’s obvious she was in bad shape.

By the end of it, I had agreed to go down there and see her (thinking with the ****, not the gut or brain). Luckily, while I was on my way down I had a rational thought, "what the fvck am I doing? I ended things with this girl for a reason, things were going great before today. This will just bring up everything again." Honestly, I’m not ready to know what she's up to. So, I called her up and told her I couldn't come down...that it would just bring crap up again.. explained it really well. She as so excited when she picked up, had told all her friends, gotten dressed....broke her heart. She said that it wasn't sexual and she just wanted to see me and we'd figure it out later. She felt I was looking too far into the future. I said that I can't be her platonic gay friend and if I see her I would fvck her...and that couldn't happen...where would we be then?

Well it turns out she didn't understand and ended up getting mad at me...I guess when you're 18 you just refuse to look in the long term like that. Honestly, it means a lot to me that a girl still thinks about me like this, but she really needs to move on. I realized that if I did this then we would both be back to square one, but the only thing that gets to me is that I basically cut things off from her again and refused to be that close friend she needed. I feel crappy about that, but this crap has got to stop. I care about her enough to not want to use her…. But she was in bad shape…ahhh..

Past that, my friend was down there last night. The same friend who hasn't been returning my phone calls for 3 or 4 days...sounds like guilt to me (although she was never attracted to him). I don’t think they did anything, but his behavior has been weird, and if that is the case...I just need to get away from both of them. This is high drama bullshyt.

 

[PRMoon]

Originally posted by rbd
Hi guys,

Basically, I'm just wondering if I should cut things off totally, or just deal with the occasional check-ins by her and keep it terse? She is a quality girl, and I could be her friend some day, but not now. I have no intentions about telling her about my personal life now, because quite honestly, I don't want to know about hers.

What do those who have been in similar situations recommend?

It depends on what you need. If you're good enough with controlling your emotions (which from my experience can be a difficult thing) then it's okay to spend time with an ex. But be sure you're not fooling your self and keeping it real. I spend time with a few of my exes, but usually just the meet for a drink to catch up then we part ways. Neither of us is going to waste too much time with relationships with no promise or future. Other exes I've had I cut contact completely either because they were crazy or I was crazy for them and couldn't control myself around them (hey every body has weaknesses) so I try to stay away from them until I can wrangle my emotions an think with reason.