Hi Lothie,
It was good of you to join in and add more details to the account.
Based on your input, I have something to add.
Lothie wrote:
In my original email, I left out that she explained that she was at the time busy writing a manuscript (she’s an aspiring professor), and that after a few weeks, maybe she would have more time and we could possibly hang out.
This suggests that she genuinely WAS interested in you (to an extent) to begin with.
Remember I mentioned the need to distinguish yourself from "the masses" so that she doesn't gut react to you with the same reflexive "shield" that helps her filter the attention she gets all day from the general crowd of health club members?
In telling you that she is an aspiring professor working on a manuscript she is actually taking a step to distinguish HERSELF in YOUR eyes from the other health club staff. That suggests that she had some interest in you.
The main problem is basic. Once you felt the fish nibbling on the line you became too eager and that turned her off. It's like a guy suddenly jumping up and down with excitement at having sold you his car. Or seeming worried that you might change your mind. These types of things all make you question the value of the product and your decision to buy it.
I also want to clarify something I said in the original post. I had stated that you were "bullying" the chick by verbally pushing her to commit to a meeting.
I now realize that may have been a confusing choice of words.
Bullying means coercing someone, usually with a threat or implied threat of violence.
In the scenario I was discussing, there was obviously no bullying in that sense. I am not even suggesting that you were impolite or boorish.
Quite the contrary, you are clearly very polite and considerate. Strange as it may sound, it is that very politeness along with your sense of fairness, consideration, etc., that you were using (unconsciously) as a subtle tool to guide the chick into agreeing to things.
So the "bullying" I referred to didn't hinge on threats of violence, but rather a much more subtle type of threat. Specifically, the vague unstated threat that the chick might appear impolite, or that she might seem inconsiderate, or that she might come across as unreasonable, cold, insensitive, or unfriendly, or simply that she might hurt your feelings.
When you ask a woman for her number, or ask her to get together with you, it is essential to NOT give off a vibe that says it's really important to you that she says "yes".
Doing that is a subtle attempt to force a "yes" outcome and even if it works, it will decrease her interest in you at the same time. But I think I've made that clear enough.
In one of your replies you wrote:
I would have been perfectly willing to accept a "no thanks, I'm not interested" response
You say that, but the fact is you really, really wanted her to reciprocate your interest in getting together. That NEED came through. What kind of message do you think it conveyed when you persisted in insisting that she "make time" to meet with you?
In one of your replies you mentioned:
"...in the past, I have met polite rejection by women who were firm and direct, and I was OK with that.
All that means is that if a woman is sufficiently assertive and self-confident to give you a "no" that is polite, firm and direct, then you are OK with it. I believe you.
It also means that you ran into an exceptionally tough chick who won't allow herself to be nudged an inch any direction by the fear of hurting someone's feelings, or the fear of seeming unfriendly and so on.
Really hot chicks who get hit on all the time often develop a side that behaves this way. Just press the AFC button (i.e. try pressuring her or otherwise manipulating her into being interested in you, for instance with compliments or bribes) and you'll activate that side of her sometimes known as the b*tch shield.
Anyway, the fact that some women know how to handle these tactics doesn't change the fact that guys routinely employ these tactics (often without even being aware of it) rather than relying entirely on the feelings of attraction and desire that they need to awaken in a woman.
This is especially likely when a guy thinks a chick won't be interested in him--or, if he gets the impression that an interested chick is suddenly, unexpectedly losing interest.
That's why chicks always toss some rejection at a guy. To test him and see if his confidence in his desirability suddenly falters, prompting him to resort to tactics intended to "make her" interested.
DeepBlue
