yaynyppys!
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2010
- Messages
- 15
- Reaction score
- 1
Hello,
TL;DR: I fvcked up a previous (unhealthy) relationship because I was
an AFC, but with integrity. Then this forum helped me become an man
with integrity. And after that, I fvcked up a healthy relationship
because I became a man who lost his integrity. Now I feel like scum, I
figured I'd share my experience so no one fvcks up like this again.
I've been a lurker for a long, long time now, since shortly after a
girl I dated for almost 9 years broke up with me back in 2009. This
girl is Eastern European, and I'm South Asian, from a very traditional
family that is very concerned about its honour (or some sh!t like
that). I was young (less than 18) when I started dating her and as
soon as my parents found out, sh!t hit the fan. Basically, I got
kicked out while in 1st year of university so I just became as
independent as possible, finished up school, got a well-paid job and
moved in with this girl. I really struggled during those 5 years in
school - I was as poor as sh!t, but I was 100% unwilling to compromise
on my integrity. Later on, when I was getting paid, same deal - 100%
unwilling to compromise on my integrity.
I may have been an AFC, but at least I had integrity.
Through those years, my family's strategy to get me to dump her, come
back into the fold and not sully their honour was some combination of
ostracizing me and emotionally blackmailing me. It took them 7 years,
but finally they accepted her. 7 years, I didn't fvcking back down and
hand over my integrity and dump her so I could be accepted again by my
family. They finally accepted her and we were okay for about 2 years
and then my AFC ways basically doomed the relationship. It was a very
painful breakup, after all that struggling over all those years.
I wallowed in my misery until I found this forum - and this forum
helped me a lot - there are some amazing threads here about talking
to women and such, but at some point I started really digging into the
threads about being a man and what that means, the ones that developed
a sense of positive masculinity. Those threads helped me the most with
getting my act together, not being an AFC anymore and living a life I
was truly proud of.
Here's a good example:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16903, but there were so
many more that I read.
Almost all of those threads emphasize integrity.
I come from a pretty traditional background, so I never felt
comfortable picking up woman after woman, dating them and leaving
them. It was always like.. I'd talk to a girl and if I liked her
enough, thought she was cool enough and thought she had a good enough
character, then I'd maintain my interest. I didn't meet a lot of girls
that had all three: cool, good character and hot. I did occassionally
meet them, but either they were not single, they were older or I just
backed down because I was worried about things getting serious and me
having to go through sh!t from my family yet again (stupid reason, I
know). But yea.. I had fun talking and vibing with chicks while going
through my life.
Then this girl I knew from undergrad got back in touch with me (I am
on the west coast, went to undergrad near Toronto). She was doing grad
school in a nearby city and doing an internship for the next 4 months
in my city. This girl was 18 when I left university - the next time I
saw her, she was 23 and even hotter. Amazingly down-to-earth too and
really giving, she offered to help me move - that was the first time
we met up, although it ended up turning into a date.
The difference in the quality of my two LTRs are due to two factors:
the quality of the women and the quality of me at 18 and me
at 28. Man. It was day and night. I had the frame all the time,
because I knew I was a man, that I was meant to be a certain way and I
was not afraid to be what I was supposed to be. She loved it and let
me lead. It was a lot like this:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=193637.
She was incredible, no-AFC. I told her straight away that I didn't
want to do LD, so when she went back to school after our internship,
we should break up. But yea.. we didn't, it turned into LDR. It wasn't
too far, and we both had our own things to take care of, so no
worries.
I think at the point where we were together for 3 months, I realized
that it was serious and started to get worried about being ostracized
from my family again (because it's a serious relationship, it's
strange if your family doesn't know about it, feels like a lie). I
knew what was coming (ostracization and emotional blackmail), I
freaked out and I broke up with her. It broke her heart, right when
she really needs to keep her sh!t together during a critical point in
her grad school. We got back together after a month.
Then at the 7 month mark, some fvcked-up sh!t happened. The family
doesn't know about this relationship, since I decided I was not going
to share with them the details of my personal relationships with women
unless I was planning on marrying said women. My parents told me how
some other family had proposed marrying their daughter to me, so I
have to talk to this girl and we gotta see if we like each other
(?!?!). This is after I explicitly told them I didn't want to be set
up with anyone. I couldn't talk to this girl - that would be so
****ty for the girl I was seeing, it went against my moral fibre. But
I felt like I didn't have the strength to tell my family about the
current relationship and go through the ostracization and emotional
blackmail again.
So I did that freak out and break-up thing again. It was pathetic, and
although she knew where I was coming from, she told me that she
couldn't take the heartbreak - next time would be the last time for
her. Yea, that's pretty reasonable, so I accepted that. She never lost
respect for me, still as loving as ever.
The company I was working for transferred me down to SF at the end of
this January, so now we were way further apart and separated by a
border. But we decided that she'd finish up (this July) and join me
down here. No more physical time, but there's not many people in the
world I can talk to on the phone for like 2 hours on a regular basis
about all kinds of sh!t and not get bored. She came to visit in
March - it was great.
My mom started that arranged-marriage sh!t again around a month ago,
so I finally just told her I was already seeing/interested in
someone. She didn't say anything, except asking what race she
was. This girl is Eastern European too, from a neighbouring country. A
week after that, my mom calls back, starts dropping the emotional
blackmail sh!t on me, WTF..
My girl came down to visit again, 2 weeks ago - had a blast. It was
fvcking awesome man, to just chill in a new city with a beautiful girl
that adores you and is totally devoted to you. The last time I saw her
was when I left her at the airport, she was crying like she usually
does when we're not going to see each other for a while.
Anyway, last week, my mom calls back - wants an answer on what she
should tell the family she's arranging a marriage with - am I going to
disgrace them or what? That relationship was not serious, right? I
finally decided I needed to pick one of two paths - either I
completely commit to this girl I'm currently with or we should just
not be together at all. One path involves being ostracized, the other
involves losing someone really close to me.
The ****ed-up thing was that I had been in this position before with
that other girl who ended up breaking up with me and my mom reminded
me of that fact - "This girl will be the same as the other one, she'll
dump you in the end." This isn't even something a man is supposed to
be worried about and besides, I had learned why that previous girl had
ended it. Valid reasons. The two relationships were totally not the
same and the possibility of a breakup sometime in the future is not
something a rational person fears.
I ended up taking a week.. a whole ****ing week.. to think about
this.. about whether I should just go for it with this girl or whether
I should leave her and be single again and figure this sh!t with my
family out. Man.. a whole week, if a girl was in my position and I was
in her's, and she took a week to decide this sh!t, how confident would
I be in her resolve? I spent all Memorial Day weekend just racking my
brains over something that really should not have been a moral
dilemma.
Anyway, in the end I decided that this girl is every bit as awesome as
5string paints his wife to be. I never told her this, we just kept
talking like we always did.
Yesterday, my mom called and pulled that same sh!t on me again - how
I'm going to be ostracized and some blackmail about how my dad's going
to give her sh!t (emotional abuse, that's what that is). I don't know,
it's fvcked up. Anyway, that broke me.. I broke and I said "okay, I'll
talk to this girl." It felt like I had betrayed the woman that had
been so devoted to me. I gave up my integrity right there instead of
taking a stand. I felt so crushed.
I went back home and lay on the floor for a while. I had betrayed
her. Then I called her and told her that I couldn't do this anymore or
put her through it either. I swear the moment I said those words, I
had such a sinking feeling of agony like I've never experienced
before. It's that feeling where you realize as you're doing something,
the magnitude of the mistake you've made. I had broken our
relationship for the third time (!) out of fear of a past
experience. And now it was definitely over for good - she is someone
who sticks to her word, even if I let mine falter.
That was the most fvcked up night of my life.
TL;DR: I fvcked up a previous (unhealthy) relationship because I was
an AFC, but with integrity. Then this forum helped me become an man
with integrity. And after that, I fvcked up a healthy relationship
because I became a man who lost his integrity. Now I feel like scum, I
figured I'd share my experience so no one fvcks up like this again.
I've been a lurker for a long, long time now, since shortly after a
girl I dated for almost 9 years broke up with me back in 2009. This
girl is Eastern European, and I'm South Asian, from a very traditional
family that is very concerned about its honour (or some sh!t like
that). I was young (less than 18) when I started dating her and as
soon as my parents found out, sh!t hit the fan. Basically, I got
kicked out while in 1st year of university so I just became as
independent as possible, finished up school, got a well-paid job and
moved in with this girl. I really struggled during those 5 years in
school - I was as poor as sh!t, but I was 100% unwilling to compromise
on my integrity. Later on, when I was getting paid, same deal - 100%
unwilling to compromise on my integrity.
I may have been an AFC, but at least I had integrity.
Through those years, my family's strategy to get me to dump her, come
back into the fold and not sully their honour was some combination of
ostracizing me and emotionally blackmailing me. It took them 7 years,
but finally they accepted her. 7 years, I didn't fvcking back down and
hand over my integrity and dump her so I could be accepted again by my
family. They finally accepted her and we were okay for about 2 years
and then my AFC ways basically doomed the relationship. It was a very
painful breakup, after all that struggling over all those years.
I wallowed in my misery until I found this forum - and this forum
helped me a lot - there are some amazing threads here about talking
to women and such, but at some point I started really digging into the
threads about being a man and what that means, the ones that developed
a sense of positive masculinity. Those threads helped me the most with
getting my act together, not being an AFC anymore and living a life I
was truly proud of.
Here's a good example:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16903, but there were so
many more that I read.
Almost all of those threads emphasize integrity.
I come from a pretty traditional background, so I never felt
comfortable picking up woman after woman, dating them and leaving
them. It was always like.. I'd talk to a girl and if I liked her
enough, thought she was cool enough and thought she had a good enough
character, then I'd maintain my interest. I didn't meet a lot of girls
that had all three: cool, good character and hot. I did occassionally
meet them, but either they were not single, they were older or I just
backed down because I was worried about things getting serious and me
having to go through sh!t from my family yet again (stupid reason, I
know). But yea.. I had fun talking and vibing with chicks while going
through my life.
Then this girl I knew from undergrad got back in touch with me (I am
on the west coast, went to undergrad near Toronto). She was doing grad
school in a nearby city and doing an internship for the next 4 months
in my city. This girl was 18 when I left university - the next time I
saw her, she was 23 and even hotter. Amazingly down-to-earth too and
really giving, she offered to help me move - that was the first time
we met up, although it ended up turning into a date.
The difference in the quality of my two LTRs are due to two factors:
the quality of the women and the quality of me at 18 and me
at 28. Man. It was day and night. I had the frame all the time,
because I knew I was a man, that I was meant to be a certain way and I
was not afraid to be what I was supposed to be. She loved it and let
me lead. It was a lot like this:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=193637.
She was incredible, no-AFC. I told her straight away that I didn't
want to do LD, so when she went back to school after our internship,
we should break up. But yea.. we didn't, it turned into LDR. It wasn't
too far, and we both had our own things to take care of, so no
worries.
I think at the point where we were together for 3 months, I realized
that it was serious and started to get worried about being ostracized
from my family again (because it's a serious relationship, it's
strange if your family doesn't know about it, feels like a lie). I
knew what was coming (ostracization and emotional blackmail), I
freaked out and I broke up with her. It broke her heart, right when
she really needs to keep her sh!t together during a critical point in
her grad school. We got back together after a month.
Then at the 7 month mark, some fvcked-up sh!t happened. The family
doesn't know about this relationship, since I decided I was not going
to share with them the details of my personal relationships with women
unless I was planning on marrying said women. My parents told me how
some other family had proposed marrying their daughter to me, so I
have to talk to this girl and we gotta see if we like each other
(?!?!). This is after I explicitly told them I didn't want to be set
up with anyone. I couldn't talk to this girl - that would be so
****ty for the girl I was seeing, it went against my moral fibre. But
I felt like I didn't have the strength to tell my family about the
current relationship and go through the ostracization and emotional
blackmail again.
So I did that freak out and break-up thing again. It was pathetic, and
although she knew where I was coming from, she told me that she
couldn't take the heartbreak - next time would be the last time for
her. Yea, that's pretty reasonable, so I accepted that. She never lost
respect for me, still as loving as ever.
The company I was working for transferred me down to SF at the end of
this January, so now we were way further apart and separated by a
border. But we decided that she'd finish up (this July) and join me
down here. No more physical time, but there's not many people in the
world I can talk to on the phone for like 2 hours on a regular basis
about all kinds of sh!t and not get bored. She came to visit in
March - it was great.
My mom started that arranged-marriage sh!t again around a month ago,
so I finally just told her I was already seeing/interested in
someone. She didn't say anything, except asking what race she
was. This girl is Eastern European too, from a neighbouring country. A
week after that, my mom calls back, starts dropping the emotional
blackmail sh!t on me, WTF..
My girl came down to visit again, 2 weeks ago - had a blast. It was
fvcking awesome man, to just chill in a new city with a beautiful girl
that adores you and is totally devoted to you. The last time I saw her
was when I left her at the airport, she was crying like she usually
does when we're not going to see each other for a while.
Anyway, last week, my mom calls back - wants an answer on what she
should tell the family she's arranging a marriage with - am I going to
disgrace them or what? That relationship was not serious, right? I
finally decided I needed to pick one of two paths - either I
completely commit to this girl I'm currently with or we should just
not be together at all. One path involves being ostracized, the other
involves losing someone really close to me.
The ****ed-up thing was that I had been in this position before with
that other girl who ended up breaking up with me and my mom reminded
me of that fact - "This girl will be the same as the other one, she'll
dump you in the end." This isn't even something a man is supposed to
be worried about and besides, I had learned why that previous girl had
ended it. Valid reasons. The two relationships were totally not the
same and the possibility of a breakup sometime in the future is not
something a rational person fears.
I ended up taking a week.. a whole ****ing week.. to think about
this.. about whether I should just go for it with this girl or whether
I should leave her and be single again and figure this sh!t with my
family out. Man.. a whole week, if a girl was in my position and I was
in her's, and she took a week to decide this sh!t, how confident would
I be in her resolve? I spent all Memorial Day weekend just racking my
brains over something that really should not have been a moral
dilemma.
Anyway, in the end I decided that this girl is every bit as awesome as
5string paints his wife to be. I never told her this, we just kept
talking like we always did.
Yesterday, my mom called and pulled that same sh!t on me again - how
I'm going to be ostracized and some blackmail about how my dad's going
to give her sh!t (emotional abuse, that's what that is). I don't know,
it's fvcked up. Anyway, that broke me.. I broke and I said "okay, I'll
talk to this girl." It felt like I had betrayed the woman that had
been so devoted to me. I gave up my integrity right there instead of
taking a stand. I felt so crushed.
I went back home and lay on the floor for a while. I had betrayed
her. Then I called her and told her that I couldn't do this anymore or
put her through it either. I swear the moment I said those words, I
had such a sinking feeling of agony like I've never experienced
before. It's that feeling where you realize as you're doing something,
the magnitude of the mistake you've made. I had broken our
relationship for the third time (!) out of fear of a past
experience. And now it was definitely over for good - she is someone
who sticks to her word, even if I let mine falter.
That was the most fvcked up night of my life.
