Crippling low self-esteem

[SayWhat]

Try to make a long story short

Never been good in social settings, tend to close up with girls I really like, tend to feel like I'm the most creepy and ugly guy out there.

Met a girl at work last year, was only able to have good conversations with her via text, and it went amazingly well, unfortunately (not going to go in detail) never worked out and I blew it a couple of months ago. We barely text now but at work we act kinda normal. But the fact we barely text now and she became quite unresponsive, just adds up to lowering my low self-esteem. Especially cause it wasn't like that before just shows something in my behaviour is not right. (disregarding the fact to never get involved with anyone at work, I just say it here as an example why I feel like the most worthless being on earth right now).

Before covid hit, I had a great physique, yet it never had gotten me any girlfriends nor any lays. Another thing adding to my low self-esteem. Something is really wrong with me, I just can't figure it out and I feel like it's just a downward spiral. I want to get out of this, yet my thoughts and behaviour is putting me in the wrong direction. If I try to act like who I want to be, I just feel like I come across as weird, and this (you guessed it) adds again to my low self-esteem.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Judging by your posting, you appear intelligent and introspective. This is good because you seem aware and also willing to work on things. This means that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

We all make mistakes with women and also just plain old social mistakes in general. Have you ever had a situation that you were emotionally involved in and could not see the answers... only to find out that once you became emotionally detached, the answer was clear as day?

The above commonly occurs after break ups, but it can happen in any situation. I suspect that this is happening to you at the moment (it's normal and human nature).

This may be one of those "easier said than done" things.... but take some time off from women. Work on things (work, hobbies, sports, etc...) that bring you passion. This will make you feel better. And if you feel better, you'll project a more positive and self-assured image around others. This doesn't happen over night, but the gradual process will be worth it.

Keep us posted on the progress and good luck.

 

[SayWhat]

Do you think objectively you are ugly - face-wise?

Creepy is another thing altogether, that's more behavior-based. What do you think you do that comes across to others as creepy?

I do not think I'm ugly, not a "wow he's hot". But I had girls show serious interest (which I unfortunately only realised too late or I was just to insecure and was too quiet). All in all, I think (or I hope) I'm a bit above average.

About the creepiness. The last months I've been, and still am, struggling with a depression (because of my lack of succes and not being who I want to be). This was accompanied with alcoholism. In the beginning I could handle and live with it it and use it to my advantage (being more social etc).

But it spiralled out of control, I texted girls who I would have never texted before. One of those was texting an ex-girlfriend from over 10 years ago that she should come over to talk things through, ofcourse she said in the end she wanted me to leave her alone. Just too show how desperate I am, how low my rate of succes is and how this just adds up to my current self-being.

I can honestly say I've quit the drinking, I feel more emotionally stable, albeit still unhappy. But like I said many times, I feel like that guy who no one wants to be with. I feel like this all the time and it's driving me crazy. And don't ask me to say or text something to a cute girl, cause those feelings of creepiness would just get hold of me and I wouldn't do it in the end. And if I would and she rejected me, it would again lower my self-esteem cause "look, there's another one who doesn't like you".

I never texted #metoo stuff though, I was just being too needy and needed attention. But looking back, acting so pathetic, this currently puts me way below where I want to be and I don't really see how I can get out of it. I keep on thinking about it and everything that's happening currently just shows the consequences of that.

 

[Kotaix]

Ignoring women for a second, what are your social skills like around men? Do you have problems there as well?

I have been in the position before where my head was a downward spiral of negative thoughts as you mentioned. I felt despair and found myself thinking that I couldn't do better, I even contemplated suicide although I was unlikely to actually go thru with it.

The thing that finally broke me out of that was a lecture by Alan Watts where he says "A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality, and lives in a world of illusions." And I found that he was exactly right. I studied Zen and learned to calm my mind a bit, or at least accept reality without judging it. When I stopped thinking so much, I was able to operate much better. I had found a great woman less than 6 months after I stopped thinking so much and we've been together for almost a year now.

I was also WAY more successful with women and life after making this realization because my mind was no longer sabotaging me.

 

[Robert28]

I only have ever had self esteem issues with women. The only people that have ever made me feel bad about myself or tank my confidence and self esteem has ever been women. Never had an issue with social settings or being around guys, I can even talk to strangers easily.

 

[Bible_Belt]

All of the measures of your self worth that you are using seem to be girls and socializing, and there is a lot more to someone's value as a human being. You could be the world's best at getting girls and still be a giant douche bag. You have to stop defining yourself by how (you think) other people think of you.

 

[corrector]

Thankfully the chadsplainers are quiet on this thread. Hope the above posts are helpful OP. You should call it "confidence in the ladies department" rather than self esteem. You have to compartmentalize, isolate and quaranteen the blighted issue and strengthen other areas that are working decently for you rather than let it cause a system failure.

 

[sph21]

@SayWhat

I was once like you. I was drown in my own negativity toward everything. It made me lose touch with reality and I wanted to commit suicide twice.

And then I realized that people don't like someone who's always negative about everything. People want to spend more time with positive persons.

Realizing this, I decided to be someone who's more fun & playful to be with. It has been working wonderfully ever since. Most people are liking and respecting me now.

You reap what you sow.

If you sow negativity, you'll reap negativity. And if you sow positivity, you'll also reap positivity. It's an endless loop that you must cultivate yourself. Do not be passive and expecting others to give you positivity first. You must give first, in order to receive.

Give, and you will receive.
Luke 6:38a
New Living Translation

 

[Serenity]

I don't think the usual recommendations like the DJ Bible etc. will be enough here. You might need something a bit more powerful. When I was in a really low place I read a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle, he's a bit weird, but his books changed the way I think. The guy was depressed as fvck, found a way out of it and wrote extensive books about how to get yourself centered back in the moment from the deepest pits of despair.

Might be worth taking a look at. It sure did a number on my head and I haven't been the same since (in a good way).

 

[r4zorsharp]

Hey man I kinda get how you feel man. You've allowed your self esteem to hit pretty low, most likely based on your perceptions and projections of what others think about you. You need to realize, as others said, how you see yourself is the most important. Do things and maintain routines that help you feel at your best. Only talk in a positive light about yourself in your mental space. It may be hard at first but you really need to make a major change and break in your patterns of belief asap.

Ill try to make a post about good ways to boost your own self esteem sometime soon.

 

[metalwater]

I don't think the usual recommendations like the DJ Bible etc. will be enough here. You might need something a bit more powerful. When I was in a really low place I read a couple of books by Eckhart Tolle, he's a bit weird, but his books changed the way I think. The guy was depressed as fvck, found a way out of it and wrote extensive books about how to get yourself centered back in the moment from the deepest pits of despair.

Might be worth taking a look at. It sure did a number on my head and I haven't been the same since (in a good way).

he has a few books, what one do you most recomend?

 

[Serenity]

he has a few books, what one do you most recomend?

The Power of Now. Not sure how long I would have been lost in depression had I not read that book.

 

[King Lion]

Think about and do things that make you happy!

 

[metalwater]

The Power of Now. Not sure how long I would have been lost in depression had I not read that book.

I read most of this, it is a great tool and viewpoint. thank you for posting about it.

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks for all the advice. Try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones these days, but some just keep on coming back and can still make me feel depressed and feeling like "I'll never become who I really want to be, so why just try".

Can you guys vouch for the fact that "as you think, you shall become"? It's a bit astonishing that with all the negative thinking I did, all those negative situations really did come true, probably cause I subliminally put myself in that direction. Like I said, I try to think positive now, but I don't "feel" it yet. It's way more easier and in a strange more emotionally satisfying (hard to explain, but I guess some know what I'm talking about) to think negative, probably cause I've been doing it for such a long time.

But I can try to keep doing it, I just have this feeling that I need to know that it will work in the end and will not put me in a worse place if I would finally realise that it's not working.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Thanks for all the advice. Try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones these days, but some just keep on coming back and can still make me feel depressed and feeling like "I'll never become who I really want to be, so why just try".

Can you guys vouch for the fact that "as you think, you shall become"? It's a bit astonishing that with all the negative thinking I did, all those negative situations really did come true, probably cause I subliminally put myself in that direction. Like I said, I try to think positive now, but I don't "feel" it yet. It's way more easier and in a strange more emotionally satisfying (hard to explain, but I guess some know what I'm talking about) to think negative, probably cause I've been doing it for such a long time.

But I can try to keep doing it, I just have this feeling that I need to know that it will work in the end and will not put me in a worse place if I would finally realise that it's not working.

When those negative thoughts overwelm me, it means i'm "sitting back" and being a "passenger" in my life. When I'm on focus and driving towards my goals and moving in purpose, completely in alignment with my values, those negative thoughts don't get enough time to register and if they do, they just aren't strong enough to override my mission.

It's probably like that on you. Your not living in your own purpose and your own sense of self worth.

 

[King Lion]

“If you think you are beaten, you are
If you think you dare not, you don't,
If you like to win, but you think you can't
It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!”
― Walter D. Wintle

 

[mrgoodstuff]

When those negative thoughts overwelm me, it means i'm "sitting back" and being a "passenger" in my life. When I'm on focus and driving towards my goals and moving in purpose, completely in alignment with my values, those negative thoughts don't get enough time to register and if they do, they just aren't strong enough to override my mission.

It's probably like that on you. Your not living in your own purpose and your own sense of self worth.

"sitting back", "watching life go by", "complaining" and "not getting sh1t done", and "not doing sh1t about the things you don't like"

 

[christie]

"sitting back", "watching life go by", "complaining" and "not getting sh1t done", and "not doing sh1t about the things you don't like"

taking action has consequences

What we don't remember always is that the positive consequences outweigh the bad.

It is a thrilling risk to take action.

I'm experimenting with the 'responding, not reacting emotionally' type of skill sosuavers teach here on this forum. It gives you more energy to only respond and not react.
People try to play a game with your emotions-giving you the emotional rollercoaster like they do with people in their private lives.
Its important I recognise other people's games or else I'd never take action.....I'd be too weary and worn out.

High esteem is gained with retention of high energy. You can retain high energy by practicing 'when you do more, you will be able to do more'
Just take action.

Low esteem is when there's inactivity for some reason. When you do less, it seems you keep doing less and less.

 

[Mike32ct]

People try to play a game with your emotions-giving you the emotional rollercoaster like they do with people in their private lives.
Its important I recognise other people's games or else I'd never take action.....I'd be too weary and worn out.

Funny enough, my buddy and I were talking about that topic this evening, i.e. how (in real life including work) there are people that try to put others on an emotional rollercoaster.

While it no doubt happens to me, I never paid much notice to the pattern because I personally don't think that way. I have no interest in "messing with" people. But others do it; so it's absolutely a reason to be more say stoic and have a solid "frame."

It's not even about the old, "Don't give them the satisfaction of thinking they got to you." That's beside the point. It's more to protect YOURSELF.