Coping with a breakup

[Austizzle]

I met this girl last spring break on a cruise. It turned out that we lived about 1hour away from each other. The summer went by and we spent some time together about once a month or so just to get to know each other. Well fast forward a few months, college starts and I start seeing this girl regularly(basically every weekend) since we're now only about 45mins away. So the third time we're together we have sex at her place, her parents let me spend the night anytime I wanted. Everything was running smooth for several months. I became extremely attached to this girl and at the same time I felt like I wanted something different.

Anyways, i'll stop babbling and ask the real question.

What is the best way to cope with a bad breakup? I can't seem to concentrate or study or anything, I feel terrible.

 

[JoeyCalves82]

Ask 1,000 people this question and you will get 1,000 different answers...Some guys will call you a wuss for having a heart that cares too much, some people will say they're sorry for you and advise you to try not to think about it (as if that's possible), and still others don't really know what to say.

I'll start off by telling you that I can appreciate this feeling - I've been there and felt that more times than I care to remember...I've taken advice from countless friends and relatives over the years, and believe it or not, "the best way to get over someone is [really] to get under someone else."

I know that sounds kinda shallow, but I swear it's the most effective (and the quickest cure)...See, here's what you have to understand: our hearts, our minds, and our souls are not initially able to withstand pain when it comes to affairs of the heart (any pain having to do with women) - we must condition ourselves to handle such pain through strength, courage, personal reflection, and most importantly, through the painful experiences themselves...

Think of it like weightlifting - at first it might be too hard for you to bench press 200lbs, but if you start with 50lbs and work at it consistently, never giving up, you'll increase not only your muscle mass, but your muscle strength, endurance, and threshold tolerance for pain...My point?...You can't lift the 200lbs if you can't lift the 50lbs...This breakup is your 200lbs - you cannot currently lift the burden of its weight...

What you should do is "get out there," as they say, and meet (and hang out with) AS MANY WOMEN AS POSSIBLE...I know, you're thinking "I don't want another woman," or some variation of that, but I assure you, if you hang with other girls you will be working your way up to fixing that 200lb problem...Let's equate it like this - say for every girl you hang out with, you get 10lbs closer to your goal of getting over the pain of your breakup...By the time you've hung out with 10 girls, you'll be halfway there...Once you've hung out with 20 girls, the pain of your breakup will be virtually gone.

Now, you'll never forget a girl - and anyone who suggests you try is foolish, especially if you really loved her...But that doesn't mean that you can't still get over her and move on with your life...Keep your memory of her in a very, very, very, small piece of your heart - that is ok...Even if you occasionally smile at the mere thought of her - that is healthy and totally normal...Just make sure there's plenty of room for all the success you'll have with women in the future (and with yourself in general) just by getting past this breakup now.

As soon as you get past this pain, you'll be much better equipped to handle more difficult pain (of any nature, regarding women or not)...Any questions or comments, feel free to get back to me...I feel your pain, man - good luck!

 

[MetalFortress]

Make sure to stay out of ALL contact with her. You see her once more, and you end up taking 15 steps back. I know this from experience.

 

[Interlewd]

I was in a break up about 3 weeks ago.

This made me feel better, once it was brought to my attention. (even though it's obvious) There were two options the relationship could have took:

- You guys stayed together for the rest of your lives
- You break up

Think about that. Unless you planned on staying with her until she died, the relationship would come to an end.

I dunno, thinking about that made me feel a lot better. Even though I was the one who broke up with her =/ I knew I didn't want to marry her. So, if I didn't break up with her now, then when would I???

 

[cave dweller]

contact

Hey,

You must break off all contact with her and move on.
There is no other way to get a broken heart behind you.

cave dweller

 

[flyinshark]

I've been through 2 breakups so far and i can understand how u're feeling right now. My first time it took me a really long time to get over it, but it seems that once u go through it once, the next time u deal with it a little better and u feel hurt for a shorter time.

It does help a lot to not see the girl very often, as that will stirr all those nice (but now painful) memories and u'll be feeling down after each meeting. And yeah, going out with another girl worked for me and it should work for you too! It will take your thoughts away from the girl u broke up with, as now u'll be concentrating on the new girl. I find this solution efficient and quick, and i recommend u start dating a new girl as soon as u can.

Lastly, if u know there's no chance of the 2 of you getting back together, then u only have 2 choices:

1. suffer for a long time and make your life miserable (and girls aren't usually attracted to a guy who's down like that)
2. move on and be happy again

I'll let you choose the right one for you

Be strong! You'll get through it!

 

[^_^]

Break off contact (which should not be hard).

I broke up with my ex in August (after I found out she was cheating on me....2 year relationship, thanks *****). Problem was I never stopped talking to her always hoping there was a way we could get back together.

The crap killed me for so many months to the point where I almost dropped out of college and moved back home to be around friends.

If I could do it differently I would have just said f-it. I'm not talking to you anymore and started dating others. It would have made a 7 month process (dating a great chick now) only a two week process.

It absolutely sucks in the beginning but realize there is better out there for you. Stop talking to her, get some new friends, go out, and just get some new chicks. Dont focus on the past.

 

[duttylove]

it doesnt really matter what any one says to you. it might help for about 5 minutes but it wont change the way you feel. you are going to feel like this when you come out of a relation ship like that weather you like it or not. you WILL get over it in time. try not to spend time thinking about what could have been, what happened, why did she do this etc. just accept that your not together any more and move on with your life. keep your self occupied with hobbies, friends, work or what ever. what did you used to do before you met this girl. go do it again.

 

[CraigMack]

It will pass with time. Time is the best healer in these situations. You might try focusing on actually reading the bible on here and doing the boot camp which will keep you busy during your free time.

When your on your down time from school you have nothing to do but sit around and think about HER, instead of being busy.

Let this be a lesson for that getting attached too early also. Women hate that. I'm sure it's been posted many times on here about becoming a wuss.

 

[n00bPimp]

Everytime I think about my ex I just feel like ripping her guts.
Specially right now that i found out she ****ed some1 in less than a week. **** it took me almost a year!!!!!!!!
God i hate her

 

[Mix]

Like many people here, I feel your pain. I've been through some tough break-ups--some sh!t that most people 10 years older than me have not yet experienced.

Psycho b!tches . . . been there.

Cheating b!tches . . . done that.

Psycho, cheating b!tches . . . yep. In fact, aren't all B!tches, psycho, cheating b!tches? Yes.

See . . . I even have the bitter misogyny that proves the pain.

Anyway, here is one tidbit of advice that has helped me FAR more than anything else. I think it came from the gunwitch website but I'm not sure. I've saved it and I refer back to it from time to time. This is real deep, man, read it . . . soak it up and really let it sink in!

Section 15.5 is gospel. It completely and accurately describes why break-ups heart so bad. Understanding it is the first step to getting over it.

The best steps to get over a break up...

Step #
1) read the quote below
1a) read that sh!t again and let it sink in
2) distance yourself from the girl
3) identify your issues and work on them
4) while doing step 3, find a new girl
5) have sex with the girl from step 4
6) repeat steps 3-5 as needed

15.4 When you are in the grasp of love and obsession over a girl always ask, "If I could have sex and a relationship (if I wanted one) with the next 10 beautiful women I see, would I forget that I ever knew the one I am with right now?" If yes, you would, you don't love her. You are sex-addicted and probably putting up with way too much ****. Its time to have a showdown with her, unless she’s just a fancy of yours or a stranger of course, in that event its time to try to sex her. Also ask yourself when in an LTR or when being just friends, "if I could come and have sex with this woman as frequent as I want, but would lose ALL other activities and conversations with her, would I trade that?" If you would only want her for sex, don't put up with her **** if she’s giving you any. Don’t waste time with someone you really don't enjoy, when you could be out finding something more enjoyable and compatible, ALONG with sex in that time spent.

15.5 Women sooth issues. A break up from a long term relationship can be murder on your limbic system, self esteem and well being. The main reason for this is that you have mental issues you’ve learned to deal with. A woman comes along who not only makes your dealing with those issues easier, but quells them altogether. She makes you feel desirable to women, makes you feel like a good lover, makes you feel like someone worthy of love. She leaves, BOOM, you aren’t only missing her ability to quell these issues, but NOW have to learn to deal with them and get used to them all over again. Realize this. Use a pain filled break up as an opportunity to recognize and GET RID of these self esteem problems. Don’t be a co- dependant, always defining who is important to you by what gaps of yours they can fill (mind out of the gutter people), instead be a complete person (self help jargon I know). Seek the permanent company of people you WANT around you, not NEED around you. Eventually you don’t hurt anymore this way.

15.6 Grief as a rebound. OFTEN when you don’t want a relationship to end and it does anyway you will hold onto the pain as a means of not accepting it as REALLY over. You fantasize about the other person crawling back begging to be with you, because they’ve seen the error of their ways. Not a good idea, this only prolongs things, focus on YOU and what she did to “complete you” that needs to be complete on its own by your own rethinking of self esteem, goals and ability to succeed. Remember YOU are physically the same now as before you were ever hurting over this woman, only now you aren’t used to being you anymore, you are used to being you AND her together. The electricity in that brain of yours lies, true love is new love, not someone sticking around forever in order to fill each others needs. Romance writers of old are responsible for all the pain you’ve ever felt over lost love, remember monogamy and commitment, even the word “love” are a 100th as old as man, while sex and short pair bonds are timeless. No one ever killed themselves over losing a sex partner until someone decided co-dependant relationships were some mystical bond that must hurt when severed then told and wrote about it.

 

[Mix]

Also, I wanted to add . . .

It's my personal belief that you cannot become a true

Don Juan
Mack
Pimp
Pick-Up-Artist
Ladies Man

Or whatever you want to call it.

Until . . .


You have been seriously hurt by a woman (emotionally).


So if it hurts right now . . . be at ease with the knowledge that you are one step closer to becoming a true Don Juan. And once you reach that point, you will have the ability to find a match for you that is 1-bazillion times better than that lousy b!tch.

If you thought she was a great catch . . . just wait till you've broadened your horizon. You'll find out she was just fairly average.

Which reminds me of some more of my personal advice that I gave myself when going through a break recent up . . . (be warned that this may not fit your situation but it will probably help someone) remember how you felt about that girl when you first met? Chances are she was just a regular chick. An average girl who was attractive. Denitely nothing special. You didn't love her at first. Probably not even for some months. You grew to love her. Now think of how many other "regular chicks" you've come across in your lifetime and that you have yet to meet. If you invested the same amount of time in ANY ONE OF THOSE GIRLS, more than likely, you will like them just as much if not more.

Most girls start out as "regular" in the beginning and "magically" become "wonderful" over time. For all my fellow, math-minded guys: this is not a function of the girl as much as it is a function of the time invested. Think about that.

Anybody can grow on you. Trust me on that one.