SnatchJP
Senior Don Juan
Of course by now if you're reading this you know that the golden ratio for conversation with a girl is her doing 70% of the talking. In fact, you've probably read all about how you can get her to do just that. Asking open-ended questions, using leads from those questions to ask more questions, mirroring to be a good listener, etc., you've read a good deal about it.
Or at least I hope you have. Because if you haven't, this post will not help you much. So if you have no idea what I've been talking about up to this point, do a search on convo in the DJ bible. THEN come back here.
...okay, done? Great. Now this is the point I want to discuss: you want the girl doing 70% of the talking. That does not mean 99%, that means 70%. Which means YOU have to do 30%.
Now I know you probably think the lead questions and the occasional joke are enough, and sometimes they are. If they make up a good third of the convo, then it's fine. But usually what happens based on that strategy, is either that the girl does nearly ALL the talking, or, worse, she doesn't respond to your questions and leaves the convo dangling. This makes for uncomfortable silences (another topic that I'll get to in a minute)
So to talk, you really need to talk.
Scary, huh?
It's actually fairly simple in theory. All you need to do is reverse the convo process you usually use. Here's the 70% model we all know and love broken down:
Scenario 1: AFC and HB in convo.
AFC:So...uh... how was your weekend?
HB: Pretty good.
AFC: Good
(long pause)
AFC:so...er...what'd you do?
HB: Oh I went to concert with some freinds.
AFC: Oh. Cool.
AFC: So....
HB:...yeah?
AFC:... er...
etc. etc.
Now, Scenario 2: DJ and HB in convo
DJ: Hey, so how was your weekend?
HB: Pretty good.
DJ: Really? Did you do anything interesting?
HB: Yeah, actually I went to a concert with some freinds.
DJ: What band?
The difference here, as you know, is that the DJ picked up on each cue (eg the concert) and continued down the path, rather than just saying things like "cool" or "alright.." as the AFC would.
However, as you can probably tell, this by itself makes for some pretty flat convo. If you get in a convo like this, it means you need to excersise your 30%. The principles are the same as the 70% model, only reversed. Instead of finding leads the girls gives you to follow (like the concert), you give her a few of her own so that she'll ask about them:
Once again here are some examples:
Scene 1: AFC and HB
AFC: Yeah... so, uh... I just got back from my class camping trip.
HB: Really? How was it?
AFC: Um... it was pretty good. I had an okay time.
HB: Okay.
AFC:...
HB:...
AFC:So... how was your weekend?
etc.
Secne 2: DJ and HB
DJ: I just got back from my class camping trip.
HB: Really? How was it?
DJ: Great! We had some awesome hikes around the mountainside--
HB: Wow! Wish I'd been there! I love hiking! Were the trails any good?
DJ:Yeah, we found some beautiful spots! There was this one place with a waterfall that--
...
etc.
The key difference in what made the AFC fail and DJ succeed is that AFC only answered the question, and then stopped. The DJ on the other hand, not only answered the question, but elaborated on it, and started telling stories related to it. Its the 70% concpet in reverse: this time, instead of the DJ getting leads from the HB, he drops an obvious one for the girl to pick up on.
This skill is crucial to conversation with the ladies. Once you get good at it, you can have much more direct control over where the conversation goes.
Remember, though, this is the 30% rule for a reason, you stilll want the girl doing 70% of the talking. Just don't forget your 30%.
....what? Oh yeah, awkward pauses. Sorry, I forgot. Just a couple pointers on how to handle them, because they happen to all of us.
First of all let me tell you something important: It is not your resposibility to keep the convo going, and it's not your responsibility to fill of awkward pauses in any way. That's mutual, she should be doing as much work as you. In fact, it's a good test of interest level with some girls to see how quickly they try to fill lulls themselves.
Do not make jokes about the awkward pauses, no matter how funny you may think they are. Say nothing about anything being awkward, you'll just reinforce the fact that it is awkward. Same to saying anything about boredom. It will seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, you'll regret it later.
That aside, if you do start getting bored and want to fill the space, there are lots of ways to do it; each to his own style really. I'll tell you a few tricks.
When things start to taper off verbally, things get boring, right? your instinct will be to fill the void with more words, like a question. This can work okay, but what I like to do more is fill the void with something physical instead. Something random. Some might challange the girl to a game of rock-paper-scissors. Some might give or demand an impromptu back rub. Me? My favorite is tickling. Especially when they are expecting it the least. It becomes a tickling duel that usually leads to some interesting kino, instead of a pause of boredom. (Just don't overdo this, it can get old)
Also, this doesn't work for everybody, but I've pulled it off before. See if you can look around, like you're looking for something to talk about, then look at her. Then just burst out laughing. I mean it, look right into her eyes, think of the funniest joke you've heard in the last three days, and burst out laughing. Don't explain, just laugh; usually she'll start laughing too. From here, you can do very weird things. ("Whaddya mean "What are you laughing at"? What are you laughing at?) This isn't reccomended for everyone, but its worth trying once to see what happens. Don't ever tell her why you were laughing; let it be a mystery. Do it right, and she'll be trying to figure it out for days.
If you do decide to fill the void with words, open ended questions are the classic way to go. they're bread and butter, and they work. Also one thing a friend of mine likes to do is that he'll tell and random story. Usually a pretty funny one, one that somehow relates to something he was thinking about at the time.
Finally, you can throw a neg-hit. If the girl has the b*tch sheild up, yawn long and loud, tell her she's boring, and walk away. ONLY do this with confident girls, insecure ones can take it personally, and you don't want that.
Good luck, slow down your speech, anunciate, and talk plenty.
Or at least I hope you have. Because if you haven't, this post will not help you much. So if you have no idea what I've been talking about up to this point, do a search on convo in the DJ bible. THEN come back here.
...okay, done? Great. Now this is the point I want to discuss: you want the girl doing 70% of the talking. That does not mean 99%, that means 70%. Which means YOU have to do 30%.
Now I know you probably think the lead questions and the occasional joke are enough, and sometimes they are. If they make up a good third of the convo, then it's fine. But usually what happens based on that strategy, is either that the girl does nearly ALL the talking, or, worse, she doesn't respond to your questions and leaves the convo dangling. This makes for uncomfortable silences (another topic that I'll get to in a minute)
So to talk, you really need to talk.
Scary, huh?
It's actually fairly simple in theory. All you need to do is reverse the convo process you usually use. Here's the 70% model we all know and love broken down:
Scenario 1: AFC and HB in convo.
AFC:So...uh... how was your weekend?
HB: Pretty good.
AFC: Good
(long pause)
AFC:so...er...what'd you do?
HB: Oh I went to concert with some freinds.
AFC: Oh. Cool.
AFC: So....
HB:...yeah?
AFC:... er...
etc. etc.
Now, Scenario 2: DJ and HB in convo
DJ: Hey, so how was your weekend?
HB: Pretty good.
DJ: Really? Did you do anything interesting?
HB: Yeah, actually I went to a concert with some freinds.
DJ: What band?
The difference here, as you know, is that the DJ picked up on each cue (eg the concert) and continued down the path, rather than just saying things like "cool" or "alright.." as the AFC would.
However, as you can probably tell, this by itself makes for some pretty flat convo. If you get in a convo like this, it means you need to excersise your 30%. The principles are the same as the 70% model, only reversed. Instead of finding leads the girls gives you to follow (like the concert), you give her a few of her own so that she'll ask about them:
Once again here are some examples:
Scene 1: AFC and HB
AFC: Yeah... so, uh... I just got back from my class camping trip.
HB: Really? How was it?
AFC: Um... it was pretty good. I had an okay time.
HB: Okay.
AFC:...
HB:...
AFC:So... how was your weekend?
etc.
Secne 2: DJ and HB
DJ: I just got back from my class camping trip.
HB: Really? How was it?
DJ: Great! We had some awesome hikes around the mountainside--
HB: Wow! Wish I'd been there! I love hiking! Were the trails any good?
DJ:Yeah, we found some beautiful spots! There was this one place with a waterfall that--
...
etc.
The key difference in what made the AFC fail and DJ succeed is that AFC only answered the question, and then stopped. The DJ on the other hand, not only answered the question, but elaborated on it, and started telling stories related to it. Its the 70% concpet in reverse: this time, instead of the DJ getting leads from the HB, he drops an obvious one for the girl to pick up on.
This skill is crucial to conversation with the ladies. Once you get good at it, you can have much more direct control over where the conversation goes.
Remember, though, this is the 30% rule for a reason, you stilll want the girl doing 70% of the talking. Just don't forget your 30%.
....what? Oh yeah, awkward pauses. Sorry, I forgot. Just a couple pointers on how to handle them, because they happen to all of us.
First of all let me tell you something important: It is not your resposibility to keep the convo going, and it's not your responsibility to fill of awkward pauses in any way. That's mutual, she should be doing as much work as you. In fact, it's a good test of interest level with some girls to see how quickly they try to fill lulls themselves.
Do not make jokes about the awkward pauses, no matter how funny you may think they are. Say nothing about anything being awkward, you'll just reinforce the fact that it is awkward. Same to saying anything about boredom. It will seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, you'll regret it later.
That aside, if you do start getting bored and want to fill the space, there are lots of ways to do it; each to his own style really. I'll tell you a few tricks.
When things start to taper off verbally, things get boring, right? your instinct will be to fill the void with more words, like a question. This can work okay, but what I like to do more is fill the void with something physical instead. Something random. Some might challange the girl to a game of rock-paper-scissors. Some might give or demand an impromptu back rub. Me? My favorite is tickling. Especially when they are expecting it the least. It becomes a tickling duel that usually leads to some interesting kino, instead of a pause of boredom. (Just don't overdo this, it can get old)
Also, this doesn't work for everybody, but I've pulled it off before. See if you can look around, like you're looking for something to talk about, then look at her. Then just burst out laughing. I mean it, look right into her eyes, think of the funniest joke you've heard in the last three days, and burst out laughing. Don't explain, just laugh; usually she'll start laughing too. From here, you can do very weird things. ("Whaddya mean "What are you laughing at"? What are you laughing at?) This isn't reccomended for everyone, but its worth trying once to see what happens. Don't ever tell her why you were laughing; let it be a mystery. Do it right, and she'll be trying to figure it out for days.
If you do decide to fill the void with words, open ended questions are the classic way to go. they're bread and butter, and they work. Also one thing a friend of mine likes to do is that he'll tell and random story. Usually a pretty funny one, one that somehow relates to something he was thinking about at the time.
Finally, you can throw a neg-hit. If the girl has the b*tch sheild up, yawn long and loud, tell her she's boring, and walk away. ONLY do this with confident girls, insecure ones can take it personally, and you don't want that.
Good luck, slow down your speech, anunciate, and talk plenty.
