Conversation Skills (Need advice might be long read)

[Prodigy746]

I have been roaming this board for a while now and i love to read it and give some advice if it seems that i can help. First i want to say that i am neither AFC nor a DJ. I am somewhere in the middle.

I am pretty happy with my life,
I am 22, full time college student (sophmore) and i have a full time job (supervisor in a big company that has over 1500 stores in USA)
I have a ton of great friends including 3 friends that are pretty much like my brothers. We have known each other from elementry school.

As far as girls go i really have no problem in that area. Again i wont say i am a DJ but its not too hard for me to get a descant girls number. I have gotten many that i never even bothered calling. I currently dont have a gf although i can have one easily since i have 5-6 girl numbers that are pretty intersted in me right now. I feel that right now i dont have the time for a gf because taking 6 classes and a full time job is very time consuming as you might imagine. Also i go out with my friends atleast 2 times a week so that pretty much leaves me with no extra time. Right now i am not interested in getting a gf, my plan is to have one after the semester ends when i am on my summer vacation free from tests, hw, studying, projects etc.

I hope that little bit of info will help you give me some advice with my problem.

Like i said, i have no problem meeting new people, as a matter of fact i enjoy it very much. I have no problem approaching a girl or a guy asking a question and starting a coversation. My problem is i run out of ideas to talk about really quickly. After the initial, where you from, whats your major, where do you work blah blah i get stuck thinking what shoud i be talking about next. I want to improve my conversation skills so that i can be an alpha male. I want to be social and be the one guy that everyone wants to talk to because he has something interesting to say all the time. I find my conversations to be quiet boring. I have no problem when i talk to my close friends because we usually end up talking for hours and coversation is really interesting. Problem starts when i talk to friends that i am not necesarraly close with. I might have known them for year or two or i work with them, or i am in the same class with them. I am always looking to improve my self and i think this is one of the areas i need to work on.


After thinking about the problem for weeks i have come to conclusion that since i am so busy i dont really know whats going on in the real world. I think my main problem is that I dont wantch the news, much tv, or really have a hobby even though i do enjoy doing many differen things. I think when i am with my close friends its easy for me to talk to them because we have known each other for so long so we can talk about the things that happend before or our plans for the future. We joke around all the time ( i dont have problem joking aroudn new people either). Also i find it easy to talk about School and work but when it gets time to talk about anything else, it doesnt seem like i can put much in the conversation.

Anyway i was wonderin if any of you used to be in same situation as me where you thought that your social (conversation) skills were not up to par and worked on improving it and actually found something that works.

 

[Maxtro]

I have the same problem. Getting past the interview phase and into the real rapport has a steep learning curve. Knowing about news, current events and TV doesn't really help. I can't exactly ask a girl if she watched American Idol (BTW I never watch it) if there is a silence in the conversation.

The only advice I can offer is to use active listening. But there will be times when she has nothing new to bring up and it's you to break the silence and doing that is the hardest part.

 

[everywomanshero]

I don't know you, but I will throw out some general conjecture that might be useful to you.

Inferiority feelings: You say that to be the 'alpha male' you'd need to have something interesting to say at all times. I think this is totally wrong. When one tries to compensate for a perceived or real inadequecy he tries to go way overboard thinking this will land him in the middle. This isn't what hapens though, the inferiority feeling continues and as long as it persists the person never feels "good enough"

WHat I think needs to happen is you realize that you're already a cool guy. You don't have to always have something interesting to say. Just being normal is good enough, you don't have to aquire some kind of super status. Second, it's not the content that matters as much as the feeling the conversation creates in the other person. According to Coordinated Management of Meaning theory, people in conversation cocreate their own reality. If you install good feelings through the proper energy level, tone of voice, etc the content should not be very important. It's easy to do this just get yourself in a good mood and speak in that tone, coming from that place.

Watching the news isn't going to be needed IME. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, if you feel the need to aquire super status and be the most special person at all times, I think your relationship with yourself will deteriorate which in turn will degrade all relationships from there.

 

[crossboss]

Being cool

I don't know you, but I will throw out some general conjecture that might be useful to you.

Inferiority feelings: You say that to be the 'alpha male' you'd need to have something interesting to say at all times. I think this is totally wrong. When one tries to compensate for a perceived or real inadequecy he tries to go way overboard thinking this will land him in the middle. This isn't what hapens though, the inferiority feeling continues and as long as it persists the person never feels "good enough"

WHat I think needs to happen is you realize that you're already a cool guy. You don't have to always have something interesting to say. Just being normal is good enough, you don't have to aquire some kind of super status. Second, it's not the content that matters as much as the feeling the conversation creates in the other person. According to Coordinated Management of Meaning theory, people in conversation cocreate their own reality. If you install good feelings through the proper energy level, tone of voice, etc the content should not be very important. It's easy to do this just get yourself in a good mood and speak in that tone, coming from that place.

Watching the news isn't going to be needed IME. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, if you feel the need to aquire super status and be the most special person at all times, I think your relationship with yourself will deteriorate which in turn will degrade all relationships from there.

If you try too hard to be cool...you won't be.

 

[XTR]

i THINK, you should read this:
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/converse.htm

 

[Gammergq]

I have this same problem the key is not to try to hard, relax and enjoy the conversation talk with passion and emotion and talk about topics and subjects which you feel strongly about and topics which interest the person you are talking to take this on board when you are talking to women relate to hooks she gives by taliking in the "you" or "I" perspective e.g She: I am from america "I perspective" You: I have been to New York, I love how the people are so liberated and down to earth it makes me feel like I am at home. "You perspective" She: I am from america You; America no you seem so polite and so un superfacial but you are fun so maybe you are american (this is just an example I do not think this of americans).

Do you get the jest

 

[Johnny Walker]

Prodigy746,

Hey WASSUP MAN.

It sounds like you know what you're desired intended outcome is.
One component of reaching ANY goal is beginning with the end in mind.
I've done it countless times in my own life. I used to have a shyness
problem simply because I stumbled over my words and spoke in incomplete
sentences. I got better once I learned how to master the energy flowing
in my body and letting go of my issues.

One of them I struggled with it seems like forever was my voice. Eventually,
I learned about stuff like meditation, visualizations and affirmations - I started
applying these to re-construct my foundation. You have to have a strong
foundation and "frame" to reach that ultimate level.

I'm not there 100% of the time, but I'm right there about 90%. It took long
diligent practice of only visualizing myself succeeding versus failing, as well
as learning different techniques and practicing self-control in ANY minute
way that I could. There is a great book called , 'The Power of Now' which
helps you center your energy, by bringing your focus into the present moment.

When you can do this, the quality of your interactions go up
significantly. I also made it a regular practice of sharing all the poetry
that I've written in front of an audience on open mic nights.

Very challenging at times to be that vulnerable in front of everyone.

[The Coffee Shop is packed with some interesting women from time to time]

Someone on here mentioned active listening which is also KEY. Since I've
learned to connect with my body at a DEEP level, I've learned to listen
vicerally with my prescence. It's really an unspoken invisible art.

Women know this language and when you own it, you've just put yourself
in the drivers seat to have women pursue you because they'll just want
to hang off that free-flowing energy. This energy helps you connect with
people at a higherlevel because your mind is quiet and you just listen,
sincerely and take everything in. I believe breathing is a big part of it also.

When you master your breathing, you can calm yourself in any situation
and remain in a strong, alert, and detached way of being.

I've also learned how to be a great conversationalist by a simple concept:

CURIOUSITY

People love to talk about themselves and if you become genuinely curious
about them, they'll loosen up a bit and you can kick the bo bo on whatever
topic you want. This is one of the things I do when I'm out and about at
a club meeting people. Eventually everyone wants to know who I am and
the women come chasing. I dont call them anymore. I don't pursue - I
just choose opportunity.

Everyone wants to be the carefree person in the room. When you are,
you get treated like royalty.

Cheers.

Johnny Walker