Controlling Mother

[uzio]

I take it that you are also the person who started this thread, yes?

This attempt at sarcasm was noted.

That being said...the boy is 18 years old. He is an adult and he can do what he wishes.

This forum, all the self-help-masturbation books and other miscalennia would not exist if people followed their wishies with action.

For whatever reason, he doesn't wish to leave.

For whatever reason beaten wives don't want to leave. Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?

He doesn't wish to upset his mother. You have no idea why...maybe she is mentally ill or an alcoholic or whatever. Maybe he exaggerates for his own reason. We don't know.

Of course we don't know. But we can assume the good will of the thread creator (as I doubt if anyone in their right mind would like to ***** for attention by posting a thread such as this) and take it, that, alas in his own view, the boy, whom we speak of, is, to some degree, bullied by his mother.

Now lets look at what we DO know. We know that we cannot change other people or make them do what we think they should do...not only can we not do those things...we have no right to try to.

Bzzzt - wrong answer. Since the thread creator consideres himself a friend, he is (alas I hope he is) concerned with well being of his friend.

Besides - this reasoning is wrong for many reasons. Let us take our battered wife I spoke about earlier. If she wants to stay with her "hubby" - is it OK for a friend to leave it at that?

You can only help a person who WANTS to be helped. If you try to force "help" down your friend's throat all you are going to do is push him away.

Friendship is a very strong word. My friend is a person I don't want to slide away. It would be my duty to at least try to improve my friend's life.

If you're his friend, his real friend...then you need to accept him as he is, period.

This is not your issue and there is nothing you can do. Trying to force anything will just make matters worse.

If you read more carefully, you would notice that, supposedly, the fella in question "wants but is unable to".

 

[Wyldfire]

Dude, I was married to an alcoholic abuser for 10 years. I stayed because I wanted to. I could have left at any time and I always knew it.

And thinking you can forcefully help someone who doesn't want help is just another form of forcing your control onto that person.

You CAN'T fix his situation. You CAN'T make him do what you want him to do.
The more you rag on him the worse you are making his situation.

 

[uzio]

Dudette. I wasn't getting any for the last 10 years because I wanted to. If I wanted I could get all the ass I wanted and I always knew it.

Really.

That is how convincing that was.

Anyhoo

If you haven't noticed yet I have no connection to the case. I neither know the thread creator nor his friend.

 

[flippinfreak]

Wydlfire, after Kintuz logs on ands asks another question about how to avoid overbearing people... will you pull your head out your ass?

You jumped on the "just for a ride" bullsh!t accusation, and are telling other people to shut up USING the accusation.

If you would explain the concepts as to why a mother would be doing this, instead of how your kids turned out because of the way that you raised them we would be grateful.

Kintuz WILL come onto this site, and he WILL say that it is bullsh!t that he wants anything from his friend, he wants to HELP his friend.

The problem that I see?

I see that his friend is such a downer and it is depressing to see him hunching in the corner, waiting for his friends to tell him what to do, than his friends deciding to change the venue, and he has to call his mother to inform her of the change.

"hey mom, I might not call you for the next hour because I am going to be watching a movie"

"who's here? Oh just Kintuz and me"

"yes I will call you when the movie is over"

"no I'm not going to go anywhere"

"what? I have to come home because his parents aren't home?"

"Okay, I'll be there in 15 minutes, bye mom, i love you"

 

[Charppy]

i would tend to side on wyldefire's side here a lil bit...he's almost 19 which makes him 18...my guess is he is probably still in high school and obviously lives with his mother..i agree that the mother needs to let him be a man and live a life outside of the home more often and learn to not be a stay at home person who never goes out...there just has to be more information here to help the situation your friend is in...if he is at home he needs to abide by his mother's rule but, she also needs to let the guy live a little..anyway..my advice would be to be a friend to him and talk to him about it and see where it goes from there. maybe your friend will open up and express his true feelings concerning his situation. that's my best advice with the limited info here.

 

[Wyldfire]

Wydlfire, after Kintuz logs on ands asks another question about how to avoid overbearing people... will you pull your head out your ass?

You jumped on the "just for a ride" bullsh!t accusation, and are telling other people to shut up USING the accusation.

If you would explain the concepts as to why a mother would be doing this, instead of how your kids turned out because of the way that you raised them we would be grateful.

Kintuz WILL come onto this site, and he WILL say that it is bullsh!t that he wants anything from his friend, he wants to HELP his friend.

The problem that I see?

I see that his friend is such a downer and it is depressing to see him hunching in the corner, waiting for his friends to tell him what to do, than his friends deciding to change the venue, and he has to call his mother to inform her of the change.

"hey mom, I might not call you for the next hour because I am going to be watching a movie"

"who's here? Oh just Kintuz and me"

"yes I will call you when the movie is over"

"no I'm not going to go anywhere"

"what? I have to come home because his parents aren't home?"

"Okay, I'll be there in 15 minutes, bye mom, i love you"

Go back and read what he wrote again. He starts off claiming to be concerned about his friend's mother being controlling. However, instead of talking about how his friend is being affected he is focused on how he, the original poster, is being affected. That is what makes me a bit suspicious. Someone who was interested in helping their friend find their way out of a bad situation would be talking about how the friend feels or what the friend is missing out on, etc. That's not what this guy did. He honestly, to me anyway, sounded as if he is angry with the friend for not giving him a ride more than he's really concerned about the friend's well being. The last question he poses only reinforces the gut instinct I'm getting from this whole thing. He asks if he should stop hanging out with him. Now, if I were genuinely concerned that my friend were being mistreated or controlled and were in need of my support and friendship, the last thing I would do is think about ending the friendship. I do get the impression that the oringinal poster is mad because his friend didn't or doesn't give him a ride where he needs or wants to go, simply because if he's willing to end the friendship when that person appears to need a friend most he's not much of a friend in the first place. THAT is why I don't think we're getting the whole story here. I'm not assuming that, I'm basing it on what was written and now you know what I based it on.

 

[MindOverMatter]

Manhood is not something that you automatically get upon turning 18, it's something that you have to earn through hard work. When I was 18 all I could think about was how frustrated I was that my parents still saw me as a teen rather then a man. I got the old "as long as you live in my house, you follow my rules" speech from my old man all the time. I was in high school, I didn't have a good job and I wasn't financially secure to pay for all my bills and live independantly from them at the same time. And you know what? He was right, I wasn't a man and I don't hold it against him, he looked out for me and made sure I wasn't a spoiled brat.

So I started working, busted my ass off and learned the real value of a dollar and how to manage it, finished hs, and paid my way through university without borrowing a cent from them. Within a few months I'll be starting my police career, and I am happy with the way my life turned out for me.

It's up to your friend to grow up on his own and realize that as long as he acts like a kid, he will be treated like one. It's not your job to make him a man, it's his own road to walk. As for you, save some money and buy your own car. That way, you don't have to depend on others who are weaker then you.

 

[ScrewIt]

not so bad...

if you think about it some people have it worse off really...

problem with mothers is they should learn to respect their son and let them grow up. how can a boy learn to be a man if he cant even be allowed to make decisions of his own, and in the process learn the difference between bad and good decisions.
some mothers can be over controlling because of their own needs. Fear of the child leaving the nest and not having to rely on the parents anymore because he's his own man. hate to say it but it seems the more insecure parents seem to possess this kind of controlling behavior.

the problem with this controlling behavior is that the more you succumb to it, the more it continues. If you show the parent you're capable, independent, confident, and smart when it comes to decisions and where you're headed in life (basically being a man)....often they will learn to back off.
This is the problem that my friend faces, and i see that he accepts it as a part of his life, so i know nothing's going to change...because he does nothing to become a man.

my friend is 21...hate to say it but he's a momma's boy. She even has his future planned...marrying someone of the same race and even having a traditional wedding like his parents did. i even asked him, how'd you think she would react if you dated someone of a different race? his reply..."i dont know"
it's ironic really, his sister's 23 (both siblings still living iwth parents), and in this sense she has much more freedom than he'll ever have.
But then i dont really blame his mom entirely for treating him the way he does, he's absolutely going nowhere with his life and stays home everyday sleeping or on the computer. in a sense you could say he brings this onto himself.

 

[Macgyver]

I got the same 5hitty treatment when I became an adult. I was paying rent, and my parents were still telling me what I could and couldn't do. So I said fvck it, moved out, and paid rent somewhere else where I had my freedom.

Your friend can either go two ways. He can either be sucking at his mom's teat until she dies, or he can break the dog leash and live his own life. This is something you'll have to let him figure out for himself. If he's got any kind of desire for independence, he'll cut his parents loose.

Yeah same exact things I was going to say. I had to endure a brutal raising by my abusive father. I was a wimp, a wuss, did bad in school. Yet I lived with my folks cause I didn't want to pay rent while going to school. But I noticed my grades were poor but were not from the result from work, but from the stress of dealing with my father. Living with him is like living with an ******* boss , I think you know how that's like. I felt so much better being away from him that my game in life got 50-75% better within a couple weeks.

Wyldfire should stop posting in this thread, you add nothing to the improvement of man in this thread. Leave witch.

 

[Wyldfire]

Obviously, an actual mother is going to have a different opinion then a teenager. I think Wyldfire has a point, but I also think she is taking it too far. If you can't even ask your mother a simple question like "Can I give so and so a ride?" without pissing your pants then...wtf. Wyldfire I'm sure you are a good mother, but it sounds like this kids mom is controlling him in a different manner then you are speaking of. Where is this kid's dad? Does his father also submit to his wife?

We need to look at the facts here...

1) This is NOT the boy whose mother is supposedly too controlling who is posting. It is someone who claims to be his friend.

2) The friend seems more concerned about how his friend's hardship affects himself and not the friend...and he's willing to abandon the friendship so easily.

3) The friend is also trying to control the boy with the controlling mother. That really is the last thing the boy needs.

4) You can't fix anyone else's problems...they have to fix them on their own.

If it were the boy with the controlling mother who were posting, I would give him advice about his personal situation. However, he's not. The only advice that can work for the friend of the boy with the controlling mother is to tell him he can't fix anyone but himself.

I am finding it difficult to muster up much sympathy for the original poster here simply because he seems more concerned about how the controlling mother affects him than her son...and he's willing to end the friendship because this boy won't submit to his attempt to control him and he's not getting rides. That suggests he's not really a true friend to this boy at all.

 

[flippinfreak]

We need to look at the facts here...

1) This is NOT the boy whose mother is supposedly too controlling who is posting. It is someone who claims to be his friend.

2) The friend seems more concerned about how his friend's hardship affects himself and not the friend...and he's willing to abandon the friendship so easily.

3) The friend is also trying to control the boy with the controlling mother. That really is the last thing the boy needs.

4) You can't fix anyone else's problems...they have to fix them on their own.

If it were the boy with the controlling mother who were posting, I would give him advice about his personal situation. However, he's not. The only advice that can work for the friend of the boy with the controlling mother is to tell him he can't fix anyone but himself.

I am finding it difficult to muster up much sympathy for the original poster here simply because he seems more concerned about how the controlling mother affects him than her son...and he's willing to end the friendship because this boy won't submit to his attempt to control him and he's not getting rides. That suggests he's not really a true friend to this boy at all.

Will you shut the Fuck up OR answer the damned question?

Going off onto tangents that nobody wants to hear is why your supposed to be banned.

Want to know all that he said? You told me to go back and read exactly what he said...

My mates, mother is just too controlling.

He is such an AFC whenever you even MENTION her. He needs to ASK her if he can go outside. He needs to ASK her if me and my buddies can come over. He needs to ASK her EVERYTHING!

She basically controls his every move.

What should I/he do?

Should I just stop hanging out with him?

I'm sure you must have kids...Wildfire.

Thank you for spreading the AFC virus

.

The boy is CLOSE to 19!

...

That, is all that he said... where did it ever come to play that Kintuz wants anything from him? The rest of the accusations, were specualtions, inferred from other people's posts. Pain from your past that you bring to the present to try and affect the future...

If I were in his shoes, I'd have two choices, suffer along with him, if I remain his friend, where I can go is going to be affected by his mother's choices. "Oh man, sorry, I'm going to watch the game tonight, but since your mom said no, I'm going to have to tell you to leave" OR "Man, I thought for sure your mom was going to say yes, what should we do with these tickets? Oh well, waste of money, let's go watch TV" Not hard to figure out which I would choose.

When Kintuz started this thread, I knew what his pain was, he doesn't want his friends mother to control what he can do. His only choice, let her control his every move(hey I made my mother stop, but only because I could rag on every aspect of her life, yes I do love her, and I was very respectful if you want to draw this argument in that direction) or stop being his friend(I've done this as well,) because the guys are such babies that they have no choice in their life("Tomorrow, we're going to get you a job my friend" "my mom said I have to stay home today").

What we are dealing with is seriously, controlling parents, not YOU or the run of the mill concerned parent. We mean SERIOUSLY controlling parents.

and do you know the only advice you gave which, in reality, is going to leave the situation in the exact same vegitative state that it is in now?

"he respects his mother, he's a smart boy, you should listen to him"

Never mind all the people around that say screw how he you THINK he FEELS about his friend.

I guess the only answer is let the screaming mother scream, the boy will either grow up whipped(if he doesn't move out now) or take the first steps to becoming a man(by moving out now)

 

[Wyldfire]

flippinfreak...I have not been rude or swore at you...there is no reason for you to go there.

My response is appropriate to the situation at hand.

This guy can't help his "friend". The "friend" has to help himself. A true "friend" would not abandon a "friend" in need of a friend simply because he could get a ride from said friend...for whatever reason.

The ONLY relevent advice is this:

1. Don't try to change anyone but yourself.
2. If you're really his friend stop worrying about getting rides and being controlling to the guy and just be his damn friend.

There is no other advice to be given. Sure, people can piss and moan and complain...but really, does that provide a solution for the original poster? No, it doesn't.

 

[King Tuz]

FlippinFreak is RIGHT!

He is SPOT ON and understands the situation fully.

Wyldfire on the other hand, just focuses on the ONE EXAMPLE (about giving me a ride). That is just ONE EXAMPLE! ONE! Why do you insist on talking about just that ONE EXAMPLE?

The point is that my friend is just WHIPPED by his mother. He is treated like he is 12. NO wait... Like he is 5!

I don't want to hang around with someone who doesn't RESPECT HIMSELF.
He can still respect his mother while RESPECTING HIMSELF.

The mother is the one that is disrespecting him. She doesn't let him be a man nor let him make decisions for himself.

And Yes, the husband is also pu$$y whipped.

The whole family is full of CHUMPS who listen to this one CONTROLLING MOTHER. Why would you let someone make you do things that you truly didn't want to do in the first place?

At heart, my friend doesn't want to take his mother's crap. BUT he still has the limiting BELIEF that "things will not change."

Being the friend that I am (we have been friends for close to 10 years) I want to HELP him become a MAN and demand the RESPECT that he DESERVES.

The treatment that he takes from his mother kills him in the real world. She basically DOES NOT WANT HIM TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!

When he does get out of the house, he has difficulty socializing and being around people.

I want to help him.


PS - Wildfire, why don't you keep mentioning the ONE EXAMPLE that shows how his mother is controlling his LIFE? Keep telling everyone that I want to use him for passages.

 

[flippinfreak]

flippinfreak...I have not been rude or swore at you...there is no reason for you to go there.

My response is appropriate to the situation at hand.

This guy can't help his "friend". The "friend" has to help himself. A true "friend" would not abandon a "friend" in need of a friend simply because he could get a ride from said friend...for whatever reason.

The ONLY relevent advice is this:

1. Don't try to change anyone but yourself.
2. If you're really his friend stop worrying about getting rides and being controlling to the guy and just be his damn friend.

There is no other advice to be given. Sure, people can piss and moan and complain...but really, does that provide a solution for the original poster? No, it doesn't.

Reason I swore, I wanted you to change your mindset...

The relevent options he can take from your advice

1. Stop being his friend, because he is ruining his life
2. Since he already has a ride, and he wants to be his friend, he just doesn't want his friend to control him, because of his mother. So he has no choice but to stop being his friend.

It is the mother's fault he does not have friends. Seriously, he asks his mom if he can visit Kintuz, his mom says yes as long as his parents are there. So the kid goes to Kintuz's place, kintuz is doing whatever, changing the oil in his car, and says "hey, whats up" *wily AFC grin* kintuz rolls his eyes and thinks to himself <he's a good kid, I wish his mother didn't control him so much> "What's up buddy, what're you doing here?" "My mom said"....

Do you know the sequence of events that comes after this?

No?

I wonder why, because you have never been in the situation, and as a mother, you create the rules as to why your child NEVER HAS TO GO THROUGH THIS. Which is relatively impossible, I'm sure you've heard the phrase "I never thought it would happen to me"

Kintuz, if you read this, make a new thread, this one has gone to sh!t. I know your still looking for an answer to our question, and bumping won't work. Just keep asking...

 

[Wyldfire]

I can only judge a situation based on the information provided. To me, you did not come off as being concerned about your friend so much as you came off as being angry you weren't getting a ride. That's the impression I got based on what you wrote. I'm not going to lie to you and say it wasn't just to make you feel better.

That being said, my advice is still correct. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. The only thing you can (and should) change is YOUR belief that if you push him hard enough it will help him. It won't. All you're doing is making his situation worse by doing that. You're getting frustrated and angry because he won't do what you think he should do. You have no right to tell him what to do.

I have friends whose choices I don't agree with and a lot of times I think they could and should do things much differently. However, it's not my place to make that call for them. I also am not going to stop being friends with them simply because they don't do what I think they should.

 

[Wyldfire]

flippinfreak...he already has the only answer that is useful. He can't change his friend. He needs to stop trying to. If he can only be friends with someone who does what he thinks they should do he'd probably actually be doing the kid a favor by ending the friendship...because he's not much of a friend if he's willing to end the friendship just because this kid won't change to suit the Original Poster.

It's futile to try to change me, flippinfreak, just like it's futile for the kid who started this thread to try to change his friend. All you're doing is getting yourself frustrated (like the kid who started the thread) and giving me a reason to not like you. It's quite possible that the kid with the controlling mother is using the mother as an excuse to avoid hanging out with the original poster because he's sick of the guy trying to change him.

 

[flippinfreak]

Alright Wyld, if your not going to even allow for change, than it is useless, I agree. His friends's mother is not going to change, so his friend has no choice but to ruin Kintuz's life by limiting where Kintuz is allowed to go.

Kintuz, dump him as a friend, there is no other choice, or just follow his mother's orders, your choice... your friend though, is a lost cause.

Wyldfire said so...

I'm just going to ignore her now, I tried, I failed, I guess that's the way life is supposed to be. No use trying to help somebody who NEEDS help, because they will forever say they are strong, and they do not need help...