Constant inner reassurancen and need of attention problem...

[Bourne]

I am finding myself in need of reassurance from my girlfriend. I never voice this to her but I find myself feeling down on myself and trying to have that constant need for her assurance in our relationship. I start to neat pick little things like how she holds my hand and if she texts me that day or not. I know since I don’t say anything and act as if but inside I find myself in turmoil. I start to see what she does and how she talks and just stupid little things I start to focus on. I have really no need to feel this way but I suppose my insecurities are popping up now. Not sure where from if its from my past or what? I know that my vibe can be picked up and I start to get worried? It seems like I’m giving away my power.

I need to refocus. I need to go back how I was when first started dating and I was single. I know I am concentrating on the bad things. I was never like this, its slowly evolved into this. If I continue on this path I am done and gone. I am already slipping, but if I keep telling myself I am slipping guess what’s going to happen? I will slip. So I must re-shift my focus and my beliefs. I must re-shift my priorities. I am in need of help. I started off as a cool and awesome confident guy and I am still, but now I am more concentrating on portraying that image but inside it shifted into in my own need of attention and reassurance. This is not healthy for me. I am not sure how to break out of it. I am now starting to pay attention to what she does and not what she says but I find myself picking out small details in her action that may or may not mean anything but I tell myself they are sure signs of something else. Then it becomes almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. I find myself trying to find posts and read and trying to overcome this but as of right now its only to mask my symptoms. If I continue on this path I will and I don’t want to be negative but I will fail myself.

So this relationship has shifted into something more serious then just casual dating, I am finding myself trying to be what I was and I know I still am that person but I find myself trying to overanalyze and over think things and I know she is picking up on that vibe. I need to put a stop to this. I’ve been writing in my journal a lot and trying to get over it but right now I don’t seem to make any progress.

I also feel like when I try to break the cycle I become distant and not enjoying the moment like I used to. This in itself is not good. I don't want to start ignoring her and be distant just because I'm trying to help myself and by doing that and tend to push away others and this is not a way to do it.

So help me guys, I know this post may sound AFC but thats why I am here looking for advice...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

What do you like about yourself?

 

[joekerr31]

if we were in a game of poker and we were in a stand off, each of us raising the pot, this would be the poitn where you'd start to sweat and twitch and wonder what the hell you got yourself into.

all that is happening here is that you have moved from enjoying the game to fearing the outcome of the game.

thats a HUGE mistake almost all of us make at various points in life. in our careers, relationships, etc.

we stop enjoying the game and we start worrying about its outcome. once that happens we start to try to control the outcome. we start trying to analyze it so as to be able to predict whats going to happen next.

thats all that is happening to you right now.

and like that game of poker, once i start to see you sweat and twitch, i know that I'M in control. all i have to do is bump up the pot a few more times and you will crumble and fold.

with your girl you have hit a point where you now NEED her. realizing that you've hit that point has now got you thinking about what if you lose her? which creates panic and fear etc.

its kind of like raising the pot and then realizing 'oh my god, what if i lose all that money?" hehe.

the lesson is don't raise the pot if you can't afford to lose!

don't escalate the commitment between the two of you if you aren't strong enough to be your own man at the same time.

but most peopel do the exact opposite. its like they hit a point where they think 'oh my god, look how much money ive got in the pot. man i better not lose. im going to throw everythign i got in there to save what i've already got in there' hehe - so they just dig their hole deeper.

this is what you seem to be just starting to do. your starting to dig your 'worry' hole deeper. and the deeper you dig it, the more you are going to worry. and then at some point youll propose to her to try and get out of the 'worry' hole, only to find out that she's been f*cking a midget behind your back. then you'll go bonkers, lose your job and start thinking about offing yourself.

so do yourself a favor right now and just pull back from all this a bit. have faith that if its meant to work out it will. its fine to be affectionate with her, its fine to want her - but its not fine to NEED her!

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Bourne,


It was for JUST this reason:

I am finding myself in need of reassurance from my girlfriend. I never voice this to her but I find myself feeling down on myself and trying to have that constant need for her assurance in our relationship. I start to neat pick little things like how she holds my hand and if she texts me that day or not. I know since I don’t say anything and act as if but inside I find myself in turmoil. I start to see what she does and how she talks and just stupid little things I start to focus on. I have really no need to feel this way but I suppose my insecurities are popping up now.

AND for this reason:

This is not healthy for me. I am not sure how to break out of it. I am now starting to pay attention to what she does and not what she says but I find myself picking out small details in her action that may or may not mean anything but I tell myself they are sure signs of something else. Then it becomes almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. I find myself trying to find posts and read and trying to overcome this but as of right now its only to mask my symptoms. If I continue on this path I will and I don’t want to be negative but I will fail myself.

And lastly, for THIS reason:

So help me guys, I know this post may sound AFC but thats why I am here looking for advice...

...that I wrote specific parts of The Infinity Gauntlet post in the FIRST place. Below is the portion that I feel might apply to your current predicament. But I encourage you to read or RE-read the whole thing....IF you're READY to take it heart.


Peace...one day.

Committing Premature Evacuation

These types of reckless recruiters are the strangest and saddest of all. These are men who actually know who they are and what they want. Their Achilles heel is exposed only AFTER they have actually found a woman who may be of good quality. These men say all the right things and make all the right moves, but when they finally have the heart of their ideal woman in site, they fail to pull the trigger.

These men are skilled in the deadly art of self-sabotage. What they experience is the male version of last minute resistance. Except, unlike women, following through with sex is not the problem, but following through with establishing a meaningful, emotional, and spiritual connection with a woman IS.

On the verge of allowing themselves to become truly intimate with a woman, they allow their minds to be bombarded by the plethora of negative voices that they've heard in the past. They let things like their age, their financial situation, their past, their hormones, their fears, their friends, and embittered posters on seduction forums STOP them from taking that one more step that COULD make a positive difference in their lives.

And even when they fight bravely through those forces of resistance, another even more formidable adversary to their embarking into emotional exclusivity with a woman emerges----their CRITICAL MINDS gone wild. Yes, soldiers, this is when these hapless men drive themselves delusional by trying to force the women in their lives to SUDDENLY meet a level of perfection that even they THEMSELVES routinely fall far short of.

Over and over again, they dissect every physical attribute and scrutinize every less-than-perfect aspect of their women until they have finally managed to successfully NITPICK themselves OUT of a good quality woman. And they do this in order to DISQUALIFY the women at the eleventh hour, right before the completion of their mission, so they can continue to fight this war without end.

In their constant subconscious quest for the "PERFECT" one, they have once again let a "GOOD" one slip through their fingers. They prematurely evacuate from exclusive relationship territory before they've given themselves a chance to be COMFORTABLE with what a healthy relationship ACTUALLY feels like.

 

[Bourne]

Thanks guys.

Fransisco: I have many things I love about myself. In defense I don't want to seem like I'm boasting but there are many qualities I love about myself and have been told by others that they wish they could do things like me and pursue life with such passion like I do. Now ofcourse there are many layers of me and this is one of them I need to deal with. I have a career in the works, my education is good, my health is great, and I am overall very happy and positive, but there are times like now that from my past, insecurities popping up and I knew that would eventually, based on my previous LTR. I thought I kind of had them handled but I suppose its hard to eliminate them when you are not in LTR and just fooling around and doing your own thing for a year wihtou any attachements.

So I suppose you are telling me to focus on things that I like about myself.

Joker: that was very insightful. Its hard to gain control of the mind if its running wild. I have many things going for me that do not have anyone in it. I have many passions and hobbies. Over all I love my life and the direction its going. I love the girl I am with and I am very collected, honest and confident in most things I do, even if I seem and a few times am inside scared sh1tless.

Also the thing is I already live with her. So its hard for me to take a step back, perhaps its not if you have any suggestions. So commitment has already been made and I am ready to want to be the man strong enough to do what I need. I thought I had my sh1t together but I feel like its slowly coming up. I want to deal with this. This is the first time its coming up and I agree that I am now trying to force and predict the outcome in return to protect my heart and I am loosing the battle with myself and enjoying the moment. I was complete opposite before. I've been doing this balancing act that I described for few weeks now and I usually fight it off and continue but each time it comes back stronger. I want to deal with this. I want your suggestions if you have any more.

Actually joker, your post has put all this into perspective and it helped me today. I wrote out alot of inner struggles on paper and made a list of where my insecurities were coming from and what I can do to eliminate them. Thanks for the insightful post man.

Victory: Great post. I've read it a while back. One thing that you wrote just now, I agree that is me. It is becoming me, but I want to stop it. In your post you described what I did, but do you have any suggestions in overcoming this?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Bourne,


Yeah I outline the whole Self-evaluation part of the process in the FINITE SHOT part of that post. But here's something NEW to consider:

Every relationship we find ourselves in, be it with friends, family, foes, or whatever-----is really just a MIRROR. And the closer we get to people, the more we see a reflection of who WE "think" we are as we stare into their eyes.

Now I DON'T mean that we see what THEY think about us, but rather, we start to PROJECT what WE really think of ourselves onto other people----AS IF it were really the other person's opinions of us when it is our own opinions of OURSELVES that is REALLY the cause of our chronic crises of confidence.

We often subconsciously start to measure our OWN worth when we know we are now RESPONSIBLE for carrying our fair share of the weight required to have a successful relationship.

It is THEN when our own insecurities begin to arise. It is THEN when we are faced with the choice of either rising up and becoming BETTER men, or giving up and "settling" into the twisted comfort zone of our past, and deeply ingrained, mediocre views of ourselves.

You see, the easiest thing for a man to do is to NOT change, and to surrender to his frailities (real or IMAGINED) as opposed to working to improve the way he SEES himself.

Deep down inside, a man's greatest enemy is not other men, other women, or even the DEVIL himself. No...man's greatest enemy is how he sees HIMSELF.

"As a man thinks, so is he."

And when we are faced with our views of "OURSELVES", this is usually our chance to MAN UP and meet this challenge by focusing on, and APPRECIATING what we DO bring to the table when it comes to relationships.

We must realize and accept the fact that we CAN indeed be the Prize in SOMEONE ELSE'S eyes----and not JUST in our own (like Sosuave teaches...). Isn't THIS what we're all in this war fighting for????

So don't be like the comedian who said:

"I wouldn't wanna belong to no club that would have ME as a member!"

Because this whole self-improvement mission we're on HAS to be a battle we're convinced that we can WIN, if we are to continue to fight it...

And this is also our chance to MAN UP and commit to identifying, confronting, and FIXING our shortcomings to the best of our abilities.

And to get spiritual for 60 seconds here...I've often recognized that the revelation of my erroneous mindsets and integral weaknesses are actually gifts from God. Whenever I get these revelations, I sense that it is HIM pointing out my ENEMIES to me, giving me the weapons (arming me with a self-awareness that I did not HAVE up until that moment), and offering me the chance to destroy these enemies to my inner prosperity MYSELF.

NO SOLDIER experiences a GREATER sense of victory than when he has faced his enemies (his self-limiting beliefs), DEFEATED them, and claimed that ground (renewed his mind, will, and self-perceptions) as part of HIS territory (his Dominion----a place where HE now rules).

You see, the only alternative to this HARD work is to choose to "fold" like a house of cards whenever we see our own imperfections staring back at us the closer we get to someone else.

It's often easier to talk ourselves OUT than it is to talk ourselves UP-----But this is EXACTLY what MUST be done in order to continue to progress along the road to becoming BETTER men.

To me, I believe the key is to accept that you've "got it going on" in some areas, and also accepting that you have a "good ways to go" in others. But what separates men who DON'T sabotage their own good relationships from those who DO, is the embracing of this truth:

Life IS transition----CHANGE. And positive change is ALWAYS synonymous with growth. Willingness to grow is exemplified by our ability to recognize our true value as individuals.

We must EMBRACE our positive attributes UNASHAMEDLY, unapologetically, and without self deprication. But we must also ACCEPT the reality of our negative attributes-----AND we must COMMIT to doing whatever it takes to eliminate thoses negatives from our lives by either weeding them OUT, or by ovewhelming them with ALL the positives that we bring to the fore.

To me, this is how we CONDITION ourselves to be able to accept, appreciate, and BELIEVE that we are indeed WORTHY of the good things that we have in our lives----be they wealth, happiness, fulfillment, or good relationships with WOMEN.


Peace...one day.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

So I suppose you are telling me to focus on things that I like about myself.

:yes: It has so little to do with her.

 

[Bourne]

:yes: It has so little to do with her.

Thanks

I know its internal and old mindsets...