confused.

[Kcman]

Hello everyone , i couldnt figure out quite where to put this , so i thought i would start here.

I am 19 , and due to certain emotional and confidence problems ive never dated anyone until about the beginning of february , where it started with someone i met online , about 2 months of talking and going out with this chick, i started to talk to someone else , and heres where the problem started.
Nothing made me think that this other chick and i were really "together" as in girlfriend boyfriend so i thought what the heck , talking wont hurt right. but i started to notice some problems with this girl , like one sided conversation . not much talking at all etc , all we seemed to do was go to the movies, i kinda felt used.

and when i started to talk to this other girl , we seemed to click alot better , alot more conversation , alot more interest etc. after about a couple of weeks of talking , i told her about this other girl and what she thought of my situation. she said it didnt sound good and that maybe i was in the wrong relationship.

somewhere along the line i thought this new girl , because of the way we talked and clicked, was going alot farther than my sporadic movie girl , and i ended up calling off this other girl so i could pursue this new relationship, the new girl also indicated this had to be done , however , about 2 months after talking etc etc , she came home and started acting all wierd , not talking much that sort of thing i was like wtf , and she said some wierd thing about she thought she still might have feelings for her ex and **** , and a bunch of other things i found pretty whack. so she decided that she could not go into another relationship without knowing that any feelings for her X were gone . and now i sit here until she figures this out. which is suppose to be at the end of this month . i might be missin a few things but thats the just of my sitiation.

has this ever happend to anyone on here , is this a bad idea , or are you as lost as i am ..

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Hahaha, me lost?

No, we know your situation well homie!!!

You shouldn't have left the other chick! Why? Because you didn't have to! Unless you just didn't want to be around her.

This new girl looked for an escape route out and blamed it on her feelings for her ex. Maybe she just didn't want a LTR with you.

A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush!!

Don't leave one girl to be with another who is not COMMITTED to you!

Neither were YOUR girl so it doesn't matter!!

 

[JonJack]

As long as you do not regret dumping the first one, you're ok. If you do, because this second one is backing out now, then you seriously need to do some contemplating.

Hopefully you do not regret dumping the first girl. Now though, you're just a bit confused about this second girl and you're seeking advice for this situation. Maybe you should tell this second girl off. You know her reasons are whack. Don't let her get away with it. It's better if you show her that you think it's whack than to let her think that you think it's okay.

 

[Kcman]

What does that mean if i reverted back to thinking i shouldnt have dumped the first girl ?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Did your second girl tell you to dump your first girl??

 

[JonJack]

Originally posted by Kcman
What does that mean if i reverted back to thinking i shouldnt have dumped the first girl ?

I didn't really get what your question was specifically asking.

If you're asking for the definition, it means you now want the first girl back because things with the second girl isn't what you expected.

If you're asking what it means if you're feeling regret in dumping the first girl, it simply means that all you wanted was a girl to be by your side. It doesn't really matter whether you're happy with her or not. Now that you've dumped the first one and the second one isn't going along with the plan, you feel as if everything isn't coming along nicely and you wished you could go back to the way it was before. This is bad because people can see right through it. Plus people generally look down on others who are unsure of themselves and their actions. Just imagine it this way. Look at yourself and your actions from a third person perspective. If as this third person, you're looking at yourself and what you've done and am now thinking how lame you are, you now know you're making mistakes.

 

[Kcman]

ahh ok , yea i can see that , it is pretty lame , and yes puertorican , she did ask me to dump her becaue at that point she seemed interested in making a relationship work. thanks for your input guys keep it comin.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

How long were you with the second girl and how "far" did you go? I'm NOT talking about kilometers here kid!

 

[Kcman]

lol , uhh well lets see we talked for a good 2 , 2 and 1/2 weeks then we went on a date , 1 turned into 2 , 2 into 4 , 4 into 6 , not a whole lot other than that , small kisses , holdin hands in the theatre , just small stuff.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

ok - so not very serious at all - you try to pick a winner but she decided to move on...... Why? I have no idea...there are many factors involved...I don't know your personality so I won't speculate!

The important thing is why do you think is the reason she split - aside from the excuse of "I want my mommy" errrrr, "I want my boyfriend" -- do you think you did anything to chase her away??

Like being "needy", or being "clingy" like a cotton handkerchief on a silk blouse in a dryer!!!

 

[Kcman]

Something to that extent , we had some of the longest conversations in the world , one guy said it on here im not sure who , about lettin out your female side and just spilling your whole lifes story in a week or two , it turned into something like that .

i think that maybe i found , or thought i did , such a decent match , and someone more my age , that all we would do is talk and talk and talk. and it got to the point where we just didnt have a whole lot to talk about anymore it seemed (to such an extent as before)

and what made this happen even more im startin to think is that she kept talking about expectations being made from our conversations and what happend if they didnt get fullfilled bla bla bla . so i kept trying to prove like i wasnt gonna let her down . but pushed it to far.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by Kcman
Something to that extent , we had some of the longest conversations in the world , one guy said it on here im not sure who , about lettin out your female side and just spilling your whole lifes story in a week or two , it turned into something like that .

i think that maybe i found , or thought i did , such a decent match , and someone more my age , that all we would do is talk and talk and talk. and it got to the point where we just didnt have a whole lot to talk about anymore it seemed (to such an extent as before)

and what made this happen even more im startin to think is that she kept talking about expectations being made from our conversations and what happend if they didnt get fullfilled bla bla bla . so i kept trying to prove like i wasnt gonna let her down . but pushed it to far.

Ok, we know the problem - does anybody want to expound on this?? If nobody does then I'll help you out.

You have emotional/confidence problems?? Hmmmmm - sounds familiar guys??

I think the guy you talked to on this site was trying to be funny or lead you astray??

Help guys!!!!!

 

[tmpgstx]

Yeah KC, you always want to keep an err of mystery before dating a girl exclusively. As you become more intimate thru sex etc., then you can open up more. Girlz share feelings between each other in that manner, tell each other everything. Not much is left out. A girl wants to pick apart your feelings and figure you out for herself.

Think of it like a book. If you open the book and skip to the last chapter and read it, would you be as interested in reading all the previous chapters before it? Nope.

It sounds like this girl did like you and maybe something you told her turned her off. In any case, there wasn't a very strong attraction then (or as you so thought). If she liked you enough, she would have given you the slack.

Put it this way, if a girl really likes a guy, not even a piss ridden bathroom and the toilet having it's own Goatee will keep her away. She'll give him slack to make the adjustment and clean it up. If it continues though, she may just run then .. lol. Acient Chinese Proverb .. really.

 

[Skweints]

You also have to realize too, you're 19, right? That's what your profile says... girls your age are NOT interested in having a LTR for longer than, in an extreme case, 2 years. These aren't girls that are capable of spending their entire life with you. Quit thinking so far ahead. You're trying to hold up a relationship that a 28 year old would start to worry about.

Keep things simple for now, man. Enjoy your life... I'll tell you one thing, you're life can change in MANY different ways, even in a short couple of months. You may end up changing 3 or 4 times before you reach the age of 25, you may not. At 19, I never thought that my dream would to become a Trance DJ :woo: (yeah, sounds corny, but if you understood my love for this type of music, you would understand how much joy it would bring to have a crowd of 1000 people screaming and cheering to the lulls in the music, building that anticipation until you just can't handle it anymore and then... hah, I'm getting way into it. lol) But honestly, the way I feel right now, 3 years later, is that if I had a full-blown relationship with a girl, I would never be able to complete my dream. I don't want to regret, 5 years down the road, not trying to pursue my goals. So I'm keeping things simple for now.

And go read the bible.

BTW, PuertoRican_Lover, I love the way you replied to his posts. Introduced a bit of critical thinking on his part... he ended up answering his own original question. I think we should adopt this style of giving advice.

 

[Qmanchoo]

I'll have to second that tmpgstx's opinion. I've had girls in the past that I got to know much too quickly and spilled my life story in the first few weeks. It really kills it when they think they have you all figured out or know all the little details about you.

Needless to say in every case I cannon balled into the deep end of the friend zone in each case.

Here is something to DO that works.

Think of 10-15 things in your past that a girl might be interested in finding out about you. Every other time you meet her feed her one, she'll love that she finds out something new about you every once in a while and she'll think about it a lot if it's ineteresting.

 

[Kcman]

thanks guys for all the input and i have read the bible on numerous occassions .

but as far as looking for a ltr it was just that wanting someone type of thing , not desperate or anything , some of my friends thought it would be a good idea for me to try and find a girlfriend so i was taking a look. but anyway as for the talking , it seemed that she was pickin me apart ,maybe she went to fast and lost her own interest ? , they were all questions she had asked and i answerd back and before long she read the book lol , it didnt make sense to shrowd(sp?) myself in darkenss to much.

 

[Skweints]

Well, think of it this way... that is how she may be used to being in relationships... however, the faster she finds out all about you, the faster she may find out something that may disqualify you from the "I want to be with you" list. Even if that's not the case, I personally don't like a girl I know everything about, I'd rather there be something in the background.

The easiest way to deal with the bombardment of questions is to hit her with a reversal. Then bombard her with all the questions. Hey, it's not like you'll remember half of it, anyways, but it keeps her talking, and girls love talking about themselves, especially if what they say excites the audience. Honestly, you never have to tell a girl anything about you, even if she complains. "YOU never tell me anything, it's like I don't know you at all!!!" There's a little test for ya, by the way. You should just ignore that one or contradict her by saying she knows you better than she thinks she does.

And read the bible... again! You missed that important part about remaining mysterious... you're going to notice that whenever you screw up with a chick, you're gonna go back to the bible and read up on the part where you screwed up... this is what causes you to learn more.

 

[Void]

Originally posted by Skweints
I never thought that my dream would to become a Trance DJ :woo: (yeah, sounds corny, but if you understood my love for this type of music, you would understand how much joy it would bring to have a crowd of 1000 people screaming and cheering to the lulls in the music, building that anticipation until you just can't handle it anymore and then... hah, I'm getting way into it. lol)

DUDE YOURE A FRIKKIN TRANCE DJ!?
AWSOME!!

On with the advice...

Here's my opinion first of all you don't tell you're life story to a girl...one guy on here said something like this: "A good conversationalist can talk to the girl about himself, but a GREAT conversationalist can get her to talk about herself."
Something along the lines of that. Main point: you need to get her to talk about herself mainly. I can't explain it to you too well, but just get interested in what she's saying.
for example

Bad Example

Her: Yesterday I went to the store...
Kcman: That's cool...

(5 MINUTE INTERVAL...)

Kcman: So what have you been upto lately...?

Her: Just got my hair higlighted...

Kcman: Awsome.


Good Example

Her: Yesterday I went to the store

Kcman: Oh really which store?

Her: Wal-Mart

Kcman: Monopolizing bastards! what'd you get though?

Her: A 50 Cent Cd

Kcman: haha...so when's the last time he's been shot?

Her: Hehe :-D



See the difference bro?

You gotta pay attention to detail and ****.

READ THE DJ BIBLE!!

good luck ;-)

 

[NewMan]

I think there's a little more here.

1) It's obvious your not experienced with dealing with women.

2) your not a challenge.

3) You don't have option.

4) Your not in control.

they were all questions she had asked and i answerd back and before long she read the book lol , it didnt make sense to shrowd(sp?) myself in darkenss to much.

that all we would do is talk and talk and talk

Here is a problem. All of this talking in a couple of weeks. Less talking on the phone. Less talking when your with her. More listening, More action. More vagueness. just be vague with information at times.

And don't ever tell me you ran out of things to talk about. Pick up a paper. Watch the freaking news. There is something to talk about all the time. You don't have to talk about yourself.

and what made this happen even more im startin to think is that she kept talking about expectations being made from our conversations and what happend if they didnt get fullfilled bla bla bla . so i kept trying to prove like i wasnt gonna let her down . but pushed it to far

new girl also indicated this had to be done

Here is the control thing again. She is telling YOU what SHE wants. And you listen and just do it, to please her. What about what YOU want.

You can have all these lovely conversations without commiting, without dumping another girl.

Live life on your terms.

You were to easy for this girl to manipulate. You'll notice, that all the guys that get the poon have one major thing in common - and that is they can not be controlled or told what to do by women.

and now i sit here until she figures this out. which is suppose to be at the end of this month . i might be missin a few things but thats the just of my sitiation.

There you go again, like a good little boy - sitting around waiting on this chick.

FVCK THAT SOLDIER.

DJ's don't sit around and wait for chicks.

You've got to stop being there ar her beck and call. Stop being so available and get yourself some other poon. Get out there with your bussies and get women. Approach. Hot on them. Get numbers. But stop thinking about this little B#tch.

Nothing made me think that this other chick and i were really "together" as in girlfriend boyfriend so i thought what the heck , talking wont hurt right. but i started to notice some problems with this girl , like one sided conversation . not much talking at all etc , all we seemed to do was go to the movies, i kinda felt used.

You time with this chick was coming to an end anyways.

So forget about it. Move on. She was good while she lasted but now you need to move on to bigger and better things (hotter women).

There's nothing wrong in dumping a chick for someone else - or because you want to move on or are interested in new poon. Remember, live ti your way.

 

[Kcman]

ok , well taking everything into consideration , i want you guys to read this email , do i come off sounding assholish ?

Hi , theres just a couple of things that i thought i should say here as ive never been able to tell you online. i have realised that in the past couple of weeks , we have grown further and further apart and im pretty sure that both of us have noticed that what was once there is slowly dying to nothing. Im not sure why , wether i might have pushed to hard or came off desperate. But now its starting to get to me. You once said before we met that expectations had been created , and after we met that i succeeded in accomplishing those expectations , during that expectations had been created by me too , and i guess at that point i was just nervous to reveal that i really liked you and would have considered asking you if you wanted to be my girlfriend or atleast move on to test 3. But that night you came home and told me of the eye contact problem and talking to your x about it , kind of upset me , not in an angry way but an emotional way. I was really hoping this was gonna work but i cant go on sittin around hoping that you have no feelings for your x , i understand that he was your first serious relationship and nothing can ever come close to that, but he is obviously your x for a reason or else you would still be with him. which is none of my buisness but i thought i would add it anyway. , here is where my mind cant exactly put into words what i want to say. but this either means your not ready to move forward in a new relationship , i scared you off someway down the road/youve lost interest in me or its something that i did. i have no other relationship in the future that ill be pursuing , this does not mean im going to stop talking to you here and there . but i figure i had to get these things off my chest cuz i just couldnt take it anymore. and im happy you atleast told me you had feelings for me. thats pretty much what has kept me going this far. when you read this , it will probably seem like a lot of rambling but i hope you can make sense of it.

please take this with a grain of salt , i wasnt totally "together" when i wrote it .