For sometime, I have desired to write an article on "confidence". As it is a much oft debated topic, and one posted on all to frequently on dating websites, I refrained from cluttering the forums. However, because I realize my views might be accordance with others, I'd prefer to shed light from a different perspective.
What is confidence?
Trust of faith in a person or thing. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.
That's according to dictionary.com. That's too simplistic, though.
A word is often something we use to describe a concept to another human being, yet not each one of us GETS IT. Some guys might say...
"Confidence is having balls to live life how you want and not give a fvck."
What does that specifically mean, and how do you act like that with all these other issues going on?
"Confidence is walking up to a girl, and taking the lead role, and making decisions. It's acting."
Well, with all the other fearful things on, how do you don the mask of a confident person? How amongst, charisma, sexuality, and a host of other faces, do you display the 6-sided dye we're to display?
You can go ACT out confidence, or you can go out and BELIEVE CONFIDENCE.
Confidence is much more about LOSING CONTROL, than trying to GAIN CONTROL. Isn't it? Were you to be a CONFIDENT guy, would you even be concerned with what happened?
HELL NO.
You'd think:
"Let it all happen, I'll deal with it when it happens. My emotions are centered. If I die, it was my time. If my girl cheats, she wasn't meant for me, because MY girl wouldn't cheat. If I lose my job, so be it, I obviously didn't care enough to keep it."
In Fight Club, the reason Brad Pitt appeared was to provide Tyler Durden with the alternate personality to do what he desired behind a different mask, because he FELT he didn't have the CONFIDENCE to do it as he was. But what happened when he realized he WAS TYLER DURDEN?
He was confident. He shot himself in the neck. He took the lead role with Marla. He gained the respect of his peers. He took control of his life.
AND HE LET GO.
That's the girst step.
Step 1:
Stop worrying about each and every little thing THAT COULD, WOULD, or SHOULD GO WRONG and focus on DOING RIGHT where you are now.
If Daoism, its a long held belief that "whatever you NEED, you will not get." Need is a disease of the ego, and creates emotional imbalance that is actually FELT by other people.
Consider the jilted lover who finds his semi-serious gf to be rather wishy washy. She's a cute HB 8, prettiest he's had, and great sex. All his friends think he's the "man," and so "lucky," so his ego comes to be very satisfied, almost euphoric with this NEW STATE of FEELING, and he seeks to continue it. That DEPENDENCY on the feeling for the ego, and for the continued euphoric feeling is great, but you're demonizing yourself into a black hole that will cause more harm than good.
So eventually, she sounds kinda lax. She doesn't want to hang out. So you cave in to her whims, so as not to lose what you gained and what you feel. It gets worse, because while she's NOT SO SURE ABOUT you 2, you're doing EVERYTHING to make it happen. That right there is the kiss of death. The minute it requires more energy than she's providing, get your life raft. It's over. It's only a matter of time.
At this point, you grab your balls and pack up the relationship. Just lay down what you feel, and what you deserve, and get it.
Step 2:
Life and opportunities are infinite.
A long time ago, I used to believe
opportunities were finite, that there was only 1 great love, or 1 of those kind of women, or 1 great job. But in keeping with that mindset, I held onto the past, was afraid of the future, and attempted to control so much of life, that I perpetuated my own demise in nearly every situation.
Now, I realize if the opportunity doesn't pan out, it's ok, there's more behind it. You have to believe that, so you can give 100% today, knowing that if something doesn't go your way, it wasn't meant to be. If you half-azz something, and then try to win it back, or control it, did you really want it to begin with?
How many guys say:
I treated her bad. I did love her, but I didn't care when I was with her, and didn't realize how great she was. Now that I lost her, I want her back, and I'll do anything to get her back.
Sorry, Frank, her only mindset is that you're the way you were, and will always be that. She doesn't know you any differently. The only solution would be to admit fault, and let her move on, accepting in her own due time to return. Likewise with jobs, you have to let it go, to get it back, and realize the fault.
It's far nobler in life to admit defeat, than voraciously deflect blame or create excuses. That's purely weakness of character.
Step 3:
If life is ifinite, always recycling, with an unending flow opportunities, just like the unending cycle of water that flows throughout the world, from ice caps, to ocean, would there be any reason to fear anymore?
Realize the minute you NEED and FEAR, it will not be. It will not. Things in life are not to become, if you NEED them. Poor people need money more than most, but because they believe they NEED other things more, they do not get it. Some people NEED love, or a girl, so badly, they deflect them. I've heard friends of girls I know say:
"Find me a boyfriend."
Hardly, girl.
When you're amongst people, you're amongst life. It is the MIND that defines people. It is the EGO, that says:
"He's a thug. He's a gangster. She's a hoe. She's latino. He's a prep. She's gay. He's gay. They're together."
Such bits and bites cause your mine to MAKE ASSUMPTION, and due to your own INSECURITIES, you act accordingly.
What if you met a few guys described as thugish and had a bad run-in sometime ago, and now you met a group at a club, what would you do?
A) Run the other way.
B) Approach and socialize, making new friends.
C) Stare and hope they don't notice.
Well, YOUR BELIEF that ALL 'thugs' are this way would have you react NEGATIVELY. Firstly because you defined them as SOMETHING, and secondly, you had a bad experience, so you're reacting to that, rather than logic.
Yet, are they not life? Are they not living souls? Are they not guys with different beliefs, but the same desire, make-up, only different clothes? What separate them from you? NOTHING.
We're life. From the same force that created plants, birds, animals, the planet, space, the darkness, light, the whole shibang.
When you watch these END OF THE WORLD movies, you'll notice how people (and even you) get the feeling of oneness. How the world is in a great calamity, and we have to BOND together. But while we're mulling along, ignoring the BIGGER PICTURE, the EGO/MIND says....
"He is this..."
"She is this..."
What if you hung out with a new group of people, some people you've never met, but only for the first time liked them, and found YOURSELF? You found a new style. New women. A new path.
So when you guys are defining people on the boards, or in clubs, or in Real Life, you're defining how you'd react to them. If you don't define them, you can treat every human being the same.
When I was possibly entering the military, I initially called my recruiter by Sargent. He reprimanded me that such niceties were not needed until I joined the military, as it was customary only INSIDE it to recognize titles. Unless its societal custom, as DR, or KING, or PRESIDENT BUSH, titles matter not in a society with truly no boundaries.
"You're CEO" Fine
"You're a MODEL." Fine
"You're a rockstar" Cool
But...you're not part of that clique, so what's it matter?
You define your reality by how you define life around you, and how you react to those definitions.
Need more?
What if you perceived all jocks as "jerks" yet didn't see yourself as a jerk? AND, you regarded jerks highly, wouldn't that ultimately give them unbridled power WITHOUT even working for it, or earning it? You see how the definitions or meanings we place around life's little events defines how we react?
This is why the HB10 eludes you. Not only because she's used to dating Pitt's, and Clooney's, but also because your DEFINITION of her is so GODESSLY, and your SELF IMAGE is so SUBPAR.
We are all life. A spirit lumbering in a body, with an ego the size of the universe. Toss it away. Being of 1 source, we are all equal, yet unique. When you're in a mall, we're all of the same, yet appear different. That does NOT CHANGE the internal make-up of people.
Step 4:
Confidence is NOT smugness, nor is it Arrogance. Though are traits of the ego , or mind, protecting itself. Such definitions say:
"I am not OK with myself, but if I show I don't care, and act harsh, people will be turned off from me and think I'm mentally tough."
Or
"I'll stick to my guns no matter, without considering any other thought. I'm right, no matter what. Whatever he says is foolish." [Idealism]
If you attach no meaning to anything, then you attach not reaction to it either. If you take nothing from her blowing you off, then you have no basis for over-reacting. Only note that you can't revive a dead corpse. We all have energy within us to spend, but if a person is not acting (spending energy) on you, then they are not interested. Bottom line.
It takes energy to think of you. To call. To make plans. To have feelings. To make time. To travel. To give that energy is interest. To withhold it is no interest. So be it. Move on.
I'll conclude this as Part 1.
A-Unit
What is confidence?
Trust of faith in a person or thing. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.
That's according to dictionary.com. That's too simplistic, though.
A word is often something we use to describe a concept to another human being, yet not each one of us GETS IT. Some guys might say...
"Confidence is having balls to live life how you want and not give a fvck."
What does that specifically mean, and how do you act like that with all these other issues going on?
"Confidence is walking up to a girl, and taking the lead role, and making decisions. It's acting."
Well, with all the other fearful things on, how do you don the mask of a confident person? How amongst, charisma, sexuality, and a host of other faces, do you display the 6-sided dye we're to display?
You can go ACT out confidence, or you can go out and BELIEVE CONFIDENCE.
Confidence is much more about LOSING CONTROL, than trying to GAIN CONTROL. Isn't it? Were you to be a CONFIDENT guy, would you even be concerned with what happened?
HELL NO.
You'd think:
"Let it all happen, I'll deal with it when it happens. My emotions are centered. If I die, it was my time. If my girl cheats, she wasn't meant for me, because MY girl wouldn't cheat. If I lose my job, so be it, I obviously didn't care enough to keep it."
In Fight Club, the reason Brad Pitt appeared was to provide Tyler Durden with the alternate personality to do what he desired behind a different mask, because he FELT he didn't have the CONFIDENCE to do it as he was. But what happened when he realized he WAS TYLER DURDEN?
He was confident. He shot himself in the neck. He took the lead role with Marla. He gained the respect of his peers. He took control of his life.
AND HE LET GO.
That's the girst step.
Step 1:
Stop worrying about each and every little thing THAT COULD, WOULD, or SHOULD GO WRONG and focus on DOING RIGHT where you are now.
If Daoism, its a long held belief that "whatever you NEED, you will not get." Need is a disease of the ego, and creates emotional imbalance that is actually FELT by other people.
Consider the jilted lover who finds his semi-serious gf to be rather wishy washy. She's a cute HB 8, prettiest he's had, and great sex. All his friends think he's the "man," and so "lucky," so his ego comes to be very satisfied, almost euphoric with this NEW STATE of FEELING, and he seeks to continue it. That DEPENDENCY on the feeling for the ego, and for the continued euphoric feeling is great, but you're demonizing yourself into a black hole that will cause more harm than good.
So eventually, she sounds kinda lax. She doesn't want to hang out. So you cave in to her whims, so as not to lose what you gained and what you feel. It gets worse, because while she's NOT SO SURE ABOUT you 2, you're doing EVERYTHING to make it happen. That right there is the kiss of death. The minute it requires more energy than she's providing, get your life raft. It's over. It's only a matter of time.
At this point, you grab your balls and pack up the relationship. Just lay down what you feel, and what you deserve, and get it.
Step 2:
Life and opportunities are infinite.
A long time ago, I used to believe
opportunities were finite, that there was only 1 great love, or 1 of those kind of women, or 1 great job. But in keeping with that mindset, I held onto the past, was afraid of the future, and attempted to control so much of life, that I perpetuated my own demise in nearly every situation.
Now, I realize if the opportunity doesn't pan out, it's ok, there's more behind it. You have to believe that, so you can give 100% today, knowing that if something doesn't go your way, it wasn't meant to be. If you half-azz something, and then try to win it back, or control it, did you really want it to begin with?
How many guys say:
I treated her bad. I did love her, but I didn't care when I was with her, and didn't realize how great she was. Now that I lost her, I want her back, and I'll do anything to get her back.
Sorry, Frank, her only mindset is that you're the way you were, and will always be that. She doesn't know you any differently. The only solution would be to admit fault, and let her move on, accepting in her own due time to return. Likewise with jobs, you have to let it go, to get it back, and realize the fault.
It's far nobler in life to admit defeat, than voraciously deflect blame or create excuses. That's purely weakness of character.
Step 3:
If life is ifinite, always recycling, with an unending flow opportunities, just like the unending cycle of water that flows throughout the world, from ice caps, to ocean, would there be any reason to fear anymore?
Realize the minute you NEED and FEAR, it will not be. It will not. Things in life are not to become, if you NEED them. Poor people need money more than most, but because they believe they NEED other things more, they do not get it. Some people NEED love, or a girl, so badly, they deflect them. I've heard friends of girls I know say:
"Find me a boyfriend."
Hardly, girl.
When you're amongst people, you're amongst life. It is the MIND that defines people. It is the EGO, that says:
"He's a thug. He's a gangster. She's a hoe. She's latino. He's a prep. She's gay. He's gay. They're together."
Such bits and bites cause your mine to MAKE ASSUMPTION, and due to your own INSECURITIES, you act accordingly.
What if you met a few guys described as thugish and had a bad run-in sometime ago, and now you met a group at a club, what would you do?
A) Run the other way.
B) Approach and socialize, making new friends.
C) Stare and hope they don't notice.
Well, YOUR BELIEF that ALL 'thugs' are this way would have you react NEGATIVELY. Firstly because you defined them as SOMETHING, and secondly, you had a bad experience, so you're reacting to that, rather than logic.
Yet, are they not life? Are they not living souls? Are they not guys with different beliefs, but the same desire, make-up, only different clothes? What separate them from you? NOTHING.
We're life. From the same force that created plants, birds, animals, the planet, space, the darkness, light, the whole shibang.
When you watch these END OF THE WORLD movies, you'll notice how people (and even you) get the feeling of oneness. How the world is in a great calamity, and we have to BOND together. But while we're mulling along, ignoring the BIGGER PICTURE, the EGO/MIND says....
"He is this..."
"She is this..."
What if you hung out with a new group of people, some people you've never met, but only for the first time liked them, and found YOURSELF? You found a new style. New women. A new path.
So when you guys are defining people on the boards, or in clubs, or in Real Life, you're defining how you'd react to them. If you don't define them, you can treat every human being the same.
When I was possibly entering the military, I initially called my recruiter by Sargent. He reprimanded me that such niceties were not needed until I joined the military, as it was customary only INSIDE it to recognize titles. Unless its societal custom, as DR, or KING, or PRESIDENT BUSH, titles matter not in a society with truly no boundaries.
"You're CEO" Fine
"You're a MODEL." Fine
"You're a rockstar" Cool
But...you're not part of that clique, so what's it matter?
You define your reality by how you define life around you, and how you react to those definitions.
Need more?
What if you perceived all jocks as "jerks" yet didn't see yourself as a jerk? AND, you regarded jerks highly, wouldn't that ultimately give them unbridled power WITHOUT even working for it, or earning it? You see how the definitions or meanings we place around life's little events defines how we react?
This is why the HB10 eludes you. Not only because she's used to dating Pitt's, and Clooney's, but also because your DEFINITION of her is so GODESSLY, and your SELF IMAGE is so SUBPAR.
We are all life. A spirit lumbering in a body, with an ego the size of the universe. Toss it away. Being of 1 source, we are all equal, yet unique. When you're in a mall, we're all of the same, yet appear different. That does NOT CHANGE the internal make-up of people.
Step 4:
Confidence is NOT smugness, nor is it Arrogance. Though are traits of the ego , or mind, protecting itself. Such definitions say:
"I am not OK with myself, but if I show I don't care, and act harsh, people will be turned off from me and think I'm mentally tough."
Or
"I'll stick to my guns no matter, without considering any other thought. I'm right, no matter what. Whatever he says is foolish." [Idealism]
If you attach no meaning to anything, then you attach not reaction to it either. If you take nothing from her blowing you off, then you have no basis for over-reacting. Only note that you can't revive a dead corpse. We all have energy within us to spend, but if a person is not acting (spending energy) on you, then they are not interested. Bottom line.
It takes energy to think of you. To call. To make plans. To have feelings. To make time. To travel. To give that energy is interest. To withhold it is no interest. So be it. Move on.
I'll conclude this as Part 1.
A-Unit
