Confessed *something*, walk away or fix it?

[Dali_tx_o]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here, and although I've read through few SoSuave articles/posts here and there, I never really thought I'd register and post something.

I came into a situation, if one could say so, and alas, I'd like to share it and ask for an advice.

First, a little background; I have not had a long term relationship for past 4 or so years - I had a girlfriend that lost her virginity with me, we've been together for two years or so, we loved each other, she died. Since that happened, I've reinvented myself, transformed if you will. Became a lot better at, well, everything (to that point where girls say "how come you don't have a girlfriend, are you gay?"), and I've had a fair share of one night stands. Which, was pretty much all I had - I would just find a girl on a night out, get back to mine/hers, have sex, and apart from few exceptions, never see or hear from them again, would not even remember their name. I needed 4 years to actually move on and stop thinking about the girlfriend I had.

Enter the current situation.
Some time ago, I've met a girl, she seemed nice, we had mutual friends and since she was giving me signs, I took her for a date. She loved it, I got scared that I will like her and pretty much sabotaged the date and ran away, hah.

We spoke a few times afterwards, and not too long ago we bumped into each other again and went for a coffee. At this point I should probably state that if she's not 10, she's as close as it gets to it. Extremely good looking, and extremely intelligent, kind hearted and great with kids/dogs, with flocks of guys running after her every whim. So, we had great time, and although I was being just friendly, she again gave me signs, so I invited her to a party I was going to few days later and she got very excited. She flaked and didn't come to the party (although, I'd gather she had a semi-valid reason), was apologetic so I gave her another chance and we met up again.

Now the funny bit. When I walked her home to her door, I went for the friend hug and said bye. All the time we spent together, I was not trying to seduce her at all, I wasn't even sure what I was doing (we did have some great time, though). Either way, 2 minutes after saying bye, I get the weirdest urge, and call her. She doesn't pick up, so I head home, ripping a hole in my jacket by hitting a tree branch, and when she text me what's up, I somehow pretty much do a love confession, and then give an ultimatum that we either go date, or we part our ways.

It took me two weeks of figuring out why I did that.

Her being smart, she evaded question, stating it sounds tempting but she needs to sort some things in her life.

I may have said something harsh to that answer (along the lines "fine, you don't want it, I'm off"), and then after a couple of days thinking it through (and asking myself "what the :cuss: did you do, dude"), I felt bad and texted her just making a joke out of this.

I don't want to get into too much details, but the question now is, should I buy a new jacket, or just patch that one up? I like the jacket, 'ya know.

Ok, that is not really the question. My question is, do I walk away, or do I give it some time and try again? If so, how much time?
What do I do?

My mind and past habits say "Walk away, walk away, walk away". My body says "Call her call her call her".

She's an awesome babe and seemed LTR material, and I kind of want an LTR. Any tips, or ideas? I haven't called her for a bit over a week, and she's been extremely busy with her work. I can easily arrange to meet up with her, but should I? And then, should I pretend nothing happened, or make another joke about it? Does it even ever work after someone has an AFC moment and does a weird love-ish confession? Is it possible she meant when she said she is tempted to start dating (yeah, I doubt this one)?

Regards,

Dali.

 

[Greasy Pig]

In my experience, any women who says she "has some stuff to sort out" was always fvcking someone else.
I've had three women tell me this in the past two years and they were all fvcking some other dude while stringing me along.
I'd been sleeping with one, the next one I'd made out with a few times and the third I'd been on two dates with.

I'd be leaning towards moving on from this one. How many dates have you been on? Have you guys kissed yet?
A hot chick like that will be swamped with options, so it's no surprise that she's trying to take it slow with you while she weighs up what's best for her.
Unfortunately, again in my experience, this "option weighing" means she's probably a screwing some bad boy drug dealer or a bartender.
She'll try to keep you on the hook until her "A" guy dumps her.

What you need to do is generate options of your own. Why should she hold all the power over you by keeping you on the backburner?
If you were able to attract her, you'll be able to attract a few more like her. Start spinning plates, withdraw your attention from this one and start living life.
If you pull back your interaction with her - and she's interested in you - she will probably come to you. But be aware that she could just be seeking an ego boost or just tugging on the line to see if you're still hooked.
Don't be too eager to feed her ego, be a bit aloof and busy.

You've made your intentions known, the ball's in her court. If you do meet up with her again, you should be looking to escalate as much as possible. If she's not receptive to your advances, then you know your princess is in another castle.
Good luck mate. I feel your pain but there is a way out of it.
Keep us posted.

 

[allen2000]

i am no expert, but i would say that your "profession of love" blew this one forever.

if she is super hot as you say (and i have no reason to believe you are lying) then as the other answer says, yes she probably has other guys lined up and now you are seen as the "needy" Romeo type who professes love and is looking for an LTR.

in my opinion, if you are looking for an "LTR", then just have one. have you ever heard LT couples say "we were friends for years before we realised we loved each other..."? how do you think that happens? well, for one, you have to continue to be in her circle of friends, you must continue to be available for her and her for you. you also must continue to exert your influence in her life, continue to be a friend and romantically escalate where and when possible - BUT - don't focus all your energy on her by any means. go out and chase a few other "sure things", all the while keeping your main interest in your sights. eventually, there might be a time when she will be open to your interests, perhaps she will be hurting or single and then you can step in. the longevity of your contact COUPLED with your non-needy behavior will go a long way in establishing the rapport you will need if you truly, truly want to marry or LTR this girl in the long run.

if you think you want to do this, you must never let yourself get jealous of her for her other flings, and you also must never stop flirting, hitting on, dating other girls in order to be "faithful" to girl #1.

i think you have a chance at getting what you want, but that is all it is, a chance. but rest assured you can keep this girl in the background or sidelines in you really like her, without being a "beta white knight" or some crap like that. just never let all your focus center on her and you will be fine. this is totally crucial if you genuinely like a girl... let's face it, some girls we kick it to just because they are hot or whatever. this kind of low-level attraction will be replaced by the next hot girl. but when you genuinely like someone for their personality AND their looks, figure, etc., then you MUST be disciplined if you are going to try to stay on her radar without looking like you are trying to stay on her radar. also - NEVER get caught blatantly show-casing your "other" gf's to this girl, as she will think you are a desperate ass hole. she will find out round the way if you are messing with other girls, and if she likes you, your value will go up without you doing anything PLUS you will never look like a player / show off in her eyes, because while yes, you were running game elsewhere, you weren't trying to make it known to her or anyone else. plus, your inner game will be boosted from your other game and it will contribute to an overall better mood for you.

its a hard line to walk, but if you genuinely like her and she is a hot ass chick this may be your only way to go.

can you give us age ranges on you and the chick? good luck buddy - hang in there and keep doing your best.

 

[dap]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here, and although I've read through few SoSuave articles/posts here and there, I never really thought I'd register and post something.

I came into a situation, if one could say so, and alas, I'd like to share it and ask for an advice.

First, a little background; I have not had a long term relationship for past 4 or so years - I had a girlfriend that lost her virginity with me, we've been together for two years or so, we loved each other, she died. Since that happened, I've reinvented myself, transformed if you will. Became a lot better at, well, everything (to that point where girls say "how come you don't have a girlfriend, are you gay?"), and I've had a fair share of one night stands. Which, was pretty much all I had - I would just find a girl on a night out, get back to mine/hers, have sex, and apart from few exceptions, never see or hear from them again, would not even remember their name. I needed 4 years to actually move on and stop thinking about the girlfriend I had.

Enter the current situation.
Some time ago, I've met a girl, she seemed nice, we had mutual friends and since she was giving me signs, I took her for a date. She loved it, I got scared that I will like her and pretty much sabotaged the date and ran away, hah.

We spoke a few times afterwards, and not too long ago we bumped into each other again and went for a coffee. At this point I should probably state that if she's not 10, she's as close as it gets to it. Extremely good looking, and extremely intelligent, kind hearted and great with kids/dogs, with flocks of guys running after her every whim. So, we had great time, and although I was being just friendly, she again gave me signs, so I invited her to a party I was going to few days later and she got very excited. She flaked and didn't come to the party (although, I'd gather she had a semi-valid reason), was apologetic so I gave her another chance and we met up again.

Now the funny bit. When I walked her home to her door, I went for the friend hug and said bye. All the time we spent together, I was not trying to seduce her at all, I wasn't even sure what I was doing (we did have some great time, though). Either way, 2 minutes after saying bye, I get the weirdest urge, and call her. She doesn't pick up, so I head home, ripping a hole in my jacket by hitting a tree branch, and when she text me what's up, I somehow pretty much do a love confession, and then give an ultimatum that we either go date, or we part our ways.

It took me two weeks of figuring out why I did that.

Her being smart, she evaded question, stating it sounds tempting but she needs to sort some things in her life.

I may have said something harsh to that answer (along the lines "fine, you don't want it, I'm off"), and then after a couple of days thinking it through (and asking myself "what the :cuss: did you do, dude"), I felt bad and texted her just making a joke out of this.

I don't want to get into too much details, but the question now is, should I buy a new jacket, or just patch that one up? I like the jacket, 'ya know.

Ok, that is not really the question. My question is, do I walk away, or do I give it some time and try again? If so, how much time?
What do I do?

My mind and past habits say "Walk away, walk away, walk away". My body says "Call her call her call her".

She's an awesome babe and seemed LTR material, and I kind of want an LTR. Any tips, or ideas? I haven't called her for a bit over a week, and she's been extremely busy with her work. I can easily arrange to meet up with her, but should I? And then, should I pretend nothing happened, or make another joke about it? Does it even ever work after someone has an AFC moment and does a weird love-ish confession? Is it possible she meant when she said she is tempted to start dating (yeah, I doubt this one)?

Regards,

Dali.

This one is over, it's time to call it. I've been in very similar situations and can tell you that the only recovery from a situation like this is to go NC and to move on. This is where you should be focused starting today: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

However, just some thoughts on how you got to this position: things started out very good. She was more than likely genuinely interested in you as demonstrated by her indicators of interest. Although you failed to escalate ("sabotaged") your first date, she remained attracted because she hadn't had any closure yet. You are still mysterious to her at this point. She is thinking that maybe you don't like her, maybe you have other options, etc. The reality of course is just that you failed to escalate.

But, you are ok until this point because like I said, you are still a mystery so she is still attracted. However, when you make bare your "undying love" for this girl that you have never had s'ex with (or even kissed, as far as I can tell), this girl suddenly sees you completely stripped of your mystery and the attraction is gone. You cannot win her back after this. Her evading your love confession was just her way of rejecting you softly. Girls don't ever overtly reject guys if they anticipate themselves having to clean up your emotional mess afterword. It is so much easier for them to just not commit and then ease their way out. Your texts after this point are just nails in the coffin.

Going forward, you need to follow the link I posted above. This will help you recover, but understand that you aren't getting this girl back and you won't be able to feel better until you let her go. There are plenty of girls out there, I just recommend f'ucking em before falling in love.

PS: I strongly recommend against allen's advice above. Move on, don't let this girl dictate your happiness, you will never get her back.

 

[Dali_tx_o]

Thanks for the tips lads.

Few things and thoughts.

Probably the most important bit on this is that I've got some time to think stuff over, and I realized why I did something weird and out of blue like that. Yeah, I don't "love" her, it was more of a sudden realization that I want a LTR and that I had no clue how to proceed since I avoided that for past few years. Sure, the gal is amazing, but which one doesn't become such once you invest some time into them? So all this was me, in love with certain idea, that I projected onto her.

And I've got some good know-how to take on onto a next girl.

Walk away or stay.. well, I do fancy this gal, probably mostly for being the first in a while that I did not just want to use for sex. I asked myself - can I walk away? Yep. So I will actually keep my options open and if she's around in few weeks, I might give her a call.

I don't want to dwell into too much details, but it might be that I made it sound a lot worse in AFC'ish way.

When I said "sabotaged", I didn't mean "failed to escalate", I meant "Yeah, how about let's just take you home and forget about this" right after she says she's having a really great time.

When we went hung out these few times, I looked at her from a friendly perspective only and was actually trying not to lead her on, but ironically all the girls for past few years that I have been close friends with (*I* have a friendzone, apparently. I call it "Chicks that are too cool to bang and leave" zone) tried to have sex with me at some point in our friendships (I'm talking around a year or two in, not just the first month of meeting. Also all the girls I shared the flat with during my student years), so doing my "let's just have fun and not do anything that might lead this to sex" might not work as I expect it.

My "undying love" confession as well, was not that much love related. I don't use word love, ever, and I did not even directly say that I like her. She may have got such impression, but I did not mean it. Think of more of a - "Hey, I find you interesting, wanna try that LTR thing out that I read about once?"

The soft rejection - well, this might be my mind playing tricks on me, but it actually sounded slightly too genuine to be just a straight-on rejection. I've seen a fair share of soft rejections that my female friends would send out to some poor chaps, and this one was slightly different. Again, maybe it's just my mind clinging to the "chance" that she meant it, hah

The No Contact challenge you directed me to - I have already started it on my own; Realized I might start to think to much about her, and although did not delete her phone number, I deleted all texts and any sources of "information", if one could call it so, that may remind me of her. I've got a very busy life anyway, so although I do catch myself giving her a few thoughts throughout the day, I'd say I'm pretty good. Plus, I don't ever call/text a girl just to talk things out - I'd rather arrange to meet up with her and tell it to her eye (Ok, apart from that regretful text I already talked about).

And yeah, she is definitely having sex with someone else at the time, I know that - it just that it doesn't really bother me, and since I'm probably not moving anywhere with her, I don't really think it should bother me anytime soon.

Long story short, I took out the fun out of something that was supposed to be light, and made it heavy. Lesson learned, moving on. And if she does get back to me, well, I'll just probably try to make a joke out of this and just see where it goes - if it doesn't escalate at all, I'll just walk away.

I mostly wrote here to see if anyone has ever actually recovered from such situation, or should I just walk away and never look back. Either way, thanks guys, I'll keep you posted if anything happens. If anyone has got some additional insight into this, I'd love to hear it out!

P.S. Age ranges - we're both in our early twenties, and she's slightly older than me.

EDIT.

Actually, I've got a question. If circumstances fall that we meet up again, and it picks back up. Would you in my place explain to her why I sent her that AFC text and what it was supposed to mean, or do should one just say "Maybe I'll tell you one day", and just keep it a secret?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Two of three chicks I mentioned above I went NC on. The third, who I'd made out with a few times, wormed her way back into my life after I'd told her to fvck off.
She was an 8.5 and extremely apologetic and persistent, so I started talking to her again but only on my terms and very sparingly.
I never initiated conversation and I was brief yet cordial when she reached out to me.
Eventually, she invited herself over to mine and I did what I told you to do: I escalated like a muthafvcker and pounded the bejesus out of her a few times before I moved to another town.
She even visited me in the new town and I fvcked her again.

The key is to remain unaffected and unavailable if she reaches out to you. Never say what you're feeling, just show her she has to work hard to win your affection. Leave the door open just a crack and she may force her way through to ride your dyck.
But don't pursue and definitely don't bring up your AFC outburst. If she brings it up, just laugh it off with a joke and change the subject.

 

[dap]

Actually, I've got a question. If circumstances fall that we meet up again, and it picks back up. Would you in my place explain to her why I sent her that AFC text and what it was supposed to mean, or do should one just say "Maybe I'll tell you one day", and just keep it a secret?

I honestly don't see this happening, this girl is no longer attracted to you (I still am confident about this despite reading your new post). However, in situations like this you just need to forget that the AFC text even happened. To bring it up again shows that you are insecure about it. The only scenarios I can think of where she could get attracted again is if you had a year of no contact or maybe if she sees you making out with some hottie at the bar.

In the future, it should be the girl who is pushing for commitment/a LTR while you are trying to escalate sexually and physically. Girls get the impression that you are needy/desperate if you are too willing to jump into an LTR early, especially if you guys haven't had s'ex (or close) yet.

 

[Purefilth]

I don't want to get into too much details, but the question now is, should I buy a new jacket, or just patch that one up? I like the jacket, 'ya know.

Regards,

Dali.

AAAWWWW MANNN!!! I hate that sh!t!!! your favorite jacket??? SH!T!!!

It will never be the same with a patch - you might have to promote one of your other jackets and relegate patchy for scruffwear

Sorry to break it to you like that, But the other guys semmed to miss the most important part of your whole story!



jk

 

[Dali_tx_o]

Haha Purefilth, finally someone got it!

And yeah, cheers for the tips guys; Looks like it's time to find some other nice babes!

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Didn't even read, I already know the score. Walk away.

If there is so little attraction/chemistry between the two of you that you need to attempt to artificially create attraction by VERBALIZING it, it is a losing battle.

Forget about it and walk away.

 

[Dali_tx_o]

Well then, something rather interesting;

So I walked away from this girl, did not contact her, and looks like I accidentally got a date with her tomorrow;

I got invited to join a local ice hockey team, and since I used to play hockey, I'm pretty decent with everything apart from the ice skating part, so decided to work on that tomorrow. Since I have a spare skates, I thought of inviting someone with me, and ended up messaging this girl (location thing, most of people I know are leaving for the weekdays, this girl is staying). Long story short, the girl is coming at 1PM to my house, and we're going ice-skating.

So, uhh, so I just "forget" that little incident, make a joke out of it and simply escalate throughout the time we're together? Bring her back to my place afterwards for hot chocolate or something?

And is it normal to not look forward to this meetup, and to regret asking her out again?

 

[Mr. Bond]

So, uhh, so I just "forget" that little incident, make a joke out of it and simply escalate throughout the time we're together? Bring her back to my place afterwards for hot chocolate or something?

You're overthinking this. You know how to have a one night stand with a girl. The only difference in starting an LTR is that you keep seeing her, banging her, dating her, whatever. That's it. Eventually it will progress into an LTR or it will end because you guys aren't right for each other.

Personally, I wouldn't expect much from this. As everyone said, texting her your feelings is a no-no. I wouldn't bring up what happened between you. That's just continuing to verbalize/explain things between you two. Have fun with her and things work out, or they don't.

 

[ScottMustaine]

Oh man. After I read the part with girlfriend.

I can't help you. But how much time passed until you hooked up with another girl?

I just visualized if some of my ex's would die, and pretty much felt about it. Not to mention the LTR girl. I'd be devasted for years.


/puts_antibeta_flameshield

 

[Dali_tx_o]

Hah, yeah, she flaked; Her excuse was that her phone battery (as she set the alarm on phone) died. I told her if she gets ready and comes over in 30 minutes I might still take her with me, she said nah; Took another girl (...and it took her 10 minutes to get ready) and had some fun on the ice-rink;

The HB9,5+ that flaked wrote to me via facebook after she saw me online once I came back, being somewhat apologetic. As I was about to start cooking dinner, told her she can come over for for the leftovers, she again refused, so I take it she's not really interested.

Weirdly enough, I'm not sure how my oneitis for this girl is affected by this, but it looks like I'm getting off rather easy (at least, so far), feeling better now, although I have a weird temptation to go on another AFC talk with her with sole purpose of making the girl full-on reject me, as I think that would make it even easier. I've read through quite a few No-contact challenge pages, and noticed that a lot of guys still harbor that hope of "getting the oneitis girl" - I realized I have this hope as well, and a proper "no" should put an end to this and quicken the process.

ScottMustaine - if by hooked up you mean sex, it was around a year afterwards; After that, I just went for one night stand girls I'd pick up in some local clubs and so on for last two years on so. I got to f-buddy stage with one girl at the end of the period, but that's about it until this recent oneitis. It's actually somewhat thrilling to go through this.

Not trying to make it a sob story, but my father died when I was fifteen and I had to look after my mother/sisters - I wasn't that devastated after my ex got into car-crash (I know, it sounds bad) - I just shut off the need for intimacy for awhile, and focused on other things in my life. Looking back, it is probably one of the things that turned me from a nerdy skinny computer whiz to a university sports team captain. Plus, I have some sort of mystery around me, I guess.