Competing (in the dating scene) - do you hold it against a girl

[Heretolearn]

Hi,

I must admit. I hate competing. If a girl is dating other people/considering options but showing interest, I cannot help but not take her as a serious interest as I believe that someone who cared for me would not make me prove myself to them and that it would never end. I would constantly have to validate and 'prove myself'.

But perhaps this is eliminating some quality women? Is this a healthy way to enter a LTR?

What are your thoughts/experiences?

Thanks

 

[guru1000]

You are not exclusive until she proves worthy of your exclusivity. She must PROVE her value to YOU.

My questions to you,

Do you think a girl with high IL would be willing to compromise your relations with overt discussion of other prospects?

If she truly has high IL and still openly discusses her other options, does she warrant enough quality for an LTR?

If a girl openly discusses her prospects, is this girl WORTHY of your exclusivity?

 

[edger]

Hi,

I must admit. I hate competing.

Yeah, I hate it too. I'm not here to, nor wish to compete with anyone. There's nothing fun about it.

 

[thedeparted]

If she is trying to make you jealous that is one thing. But if she is well behaved and you are casually dating and you know you are not the only guy in the game, that is something else. Overall, you are going to have to accept competition as a fact of life.

I think when we get the idea that "if she really cares about me..." we are headed for trouble. Only your mother cares about you that much. Love with women is CONDITIONAL. The condition is maintaining the value of the relationship and maintaining the attraction. If you drop your game, turn into a fat wuss with no life, stop offering the benefits that got her in -- and you think that whining about it is gonna help -- you got a heartbreak in your future.

Bottom line, you aren't special. I'm not special. Nobody is special. We all got to put in the effort and realize that every woman has options. We are just the sperm swimming upstream. That's why the biggest investment you should make is in yourself. If you are The Man and you offer value and you have tight game, well, there will always be a woman for you, even if it's not the SAME woman. Which is good enough.

 

[ketostix]

If she is trying to make you jealous that is one thing. But if she is well behaved and you are casually dating and you know you are not the only guy in the game, that is something else. Overall, you are going to have to accept competition as a fact of life.

I think when we get the idea that "if she really cares about me..." we are headed for trouble. Only your mother cares about you that much. Love with women is CONDITIONAL. The condition is maintaining the value of the relationship and maintaining the attraction. If you drop your game, turn into a fat wuss with no life, stop offering the benefits that got her in -- and you think that whining about it is gonna help -- you got a heartbreak in your future.

Bottom line, you aren't special. I'm not special. Nobody is special. We all got to put in the effort and realize that every woman has options. We are just the sperm swimming upstream. That's why the biggest investment you should make is in yourself. If you are The Man and you offer value and you have tight game, well, there will always be a woman for you, even if it's not the SAME woman. Which is good enough.

This reminds me of an argument that I made that women treat romantic and familial love differently. Whereas men do not. It's one of the ideas Str8up also made that men are the real romantic ones and I agree with that. The implications here are clear, it's men who actually hold marriage and families together and it's women predominantely filing for no-fault divorce. Now, the wisdom in the past of not allowing women to file n.o-fault divorce becomes clear

 

[STR8UP]

The thing you have to realize is that there is no "game over", or more correctly there is no "game won".

You will always have competition. The dynamic simply shifts depending upon the phase and status of your relationship.

In the very beginning she is comparing you to everyone else.

Once you "have" her, she is comparing everyone to YOU.

After awhile your guard goes down and she once again starts comparing you to everyone else.

Have a kid and you likely bought yourself a few years.

Marry her and it's up to her when she feels its the right time to cash in her chips.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
But perhaps this is eliminating some quality women? Is this a healthy way to enter a LTR?..

A lot of guys have this problem because even though they feel that the woman is one of "quality," they forgo qualifying her effectively. They see any level of interest from her as being viable, even if it's minimal. Part of qualifying a woman is gauging her IL and if she's not that into you for whatever reason (like lack of qualifying yourself). If the interest isn't mutual, is there really any reason to stick around?

 

[Duffdog]

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I only like a girl if there are 10 other guys gaming for her. I have overtly made this known to many girls I have dated-- I don't even have personal preferences of what I like, I just want whatever is prized at the moment in whatever social setting I am in. I feel the need to conquer because I was better and not because of some amount of settling that the girl did. Part of this stems from my belief that all females are constantly trying to leave the average guy to be with the guy who is the prize-- so why not become the prize and demand that she has an equal number of people gaming her. If she doesn't take care of herself and command attention from every male, including all the taken ones, I don't want her. I place the same value that females assign to men and assign them right back to the girl.

 

[jophil28]

If you "compete" for a woman , you are automatically acknowledging that she is "the prize" and you are not.
You are valuing her so highly that you are willing to audition for her approval and acceptance.
That is the nothing better than the "orbiter" position and it is one direct cause of women placing themselve on a pedestal.

Not for me.

 

[jophil28]

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I only like a girl if there are 10 other guys gaming for her.
.

THis is precisely what gullible women think. IT is what is behind the female worship of rock stars.

Get a grip.
YOu are a MAN with the capacity for autonomous decision making .

 

[Mike32ct]

I hate competition too. I go to bars/clubs on the slower nights of the week, as opposed to Friday and Saturday nights which are generally sausage fests and when women have their guards up the most. Actually, even in the rare cases where women outnumber men on a Fri. or Sat. night, they STILL have their guards up and egos through the roof because they know it's prime pickup time.

My biggest scores have been on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. She can't be too picky or have a huge ego when there are only two guys in the whole bar. (Technically she can, but she'll be alone and very bored.) Or as I like to say, "If you are going to fish out of a barrel, find one that doesn't have much water in it lol."

But all kidding aside, and getting to your point, in terms of landing a SPECIFIC girl for fun or an LTR, I don't think of it as competing. I think she is either (sufficiently) attracted to me or she isn't. I don't do the dancing monkey routine. I'm not there to entertain her. Honestly, we either click or we don't. I mean if she is that quick to leave me for another guy, it's totally not meant to be LTR-wise.

Plus, as a practical matter, what are you really supposed to do to "compete"? Sure, by all means work out and dress well. Have a decent place to live and some kind of career/business goals for yourself. But other than that, let the chips fall where they may bro. Remember, there are millions of women, but only ONE of you. You don't need them; they need you.

Mike

 

[wait_out]

THis is precisely what gullible women think. IT is what is behind the female worship of rock stars.

Get a grip.
YOu are a MAN with the capacity for autonomous decision making .

Ha! You're a pretty checked out guy jophil.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Mike32 made a lot of really good points.


Competing will NEVER do you any favors. Pursue her, yes, but don't compete for her. There is nothing sadder than watching an AFC try to jump through hoops and outmacho the competition for a girl that probably isn't all that special to begin with.

Getting girls to become highly interested is more a matter of "drawing them in." Have THEM do all the work and compete for YOU. All you have to do is be your usual cool, charming self and escalate when the time is right. That's it. If you're doing things to deliberately win a girl's favor, it will work against you.

 

[jophil28]

Ha! You're a pretty checked out guy jophil.

True:rock: that !

 

[Heretolearn]

GREAT replies everyone. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

So what is the difference between pursuing and competing?

Can you give examples please?

(I am confused by this as I am often told by girls that I never show I am committed/serious about them (I do by actions but they do not interpret that the same).

So I am concerned of this line of pursuing/showing I am genuinely interested and competing against all the others ha ha

 

[STR8UP]

GREAT replies everyone. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

So what is the difference between pursuing and competing?

Competing implies competition.

And don't let anybody tell you that the only way to date women is if they are 100% smitten by your presence. That is IDEAL, but it isn't realistic all of the time. If she is dating other guys all you can do is be cool and take it slow. If you are looking for an exclusive relationship it will either happen or not. Patience is a virtue when it comes to women. Usually if you have displayed enough value, any competition will shake itself out in short order.

The whole idea is to maintain YOUR frame. Chill. Don't "compete" for a woman by jumping through hoops. Compete for her by establishing your value and showing that you are a dominant male and that you don't NEED her at all.

(I am confused by this as I am often told by girls that I never show I am committed/serious about them (I do by actions but they do not interpret that the same).

If a chick is telling you this kind of stuff you are doing it RIGHT. She is looking to confirm that she has her claws set in you. If you tell her you are on the hook the ball goes to her court. Always keep them guessing.

 

[Heretolearn]

If a chick is telling you this kind of stuff you are doing it RIGHT. She is looking to confirm that she has her claws set in you. If you tell her you are on the hook the ball goes to her court. Always keep them guessing.

Thanks but then the LTR goes down the drain. eg. could not connect with me etc. Actually new thread time he he as you just reminded me of a random email from an ex last week.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1509024#post1509024

thanks

 

[Duffdog]

THis is precisely what gullible women think. IT is what is behind the female worship of rock stars.

Get a grip.
YOu are a MAN with the capacity for autonomous decision making .

I don't understand how you can draw a distinction between gaming the girl and "making her come to you." It seems like the same thing, wherein, the guy with the best game gets the girl. I find it odd that you don't recognize the fact that there will be others after her. Do you just deny that there are other guys after the girl you want? How exactly do you stand out in a crowd if there are dozens of PUA's trying everything to get her? Do you sit back and wait for her to come to you-- cuz that ain't happening in real life. If you don't pursue at all, you lose.

Imagine you are at a bar. There are lots of males there and only a few hot women. (the average women don't count) Every guy is looking at the few hot women and desiring them -- so how does someone end up with one of the good ones without doing any type of approaching. Doesn't the fact that you are even thinking about approaching a female mean she now has value to you? While its nice to believe that "I am the man and every chic should go for me" its difficult to utilize that concept in real life the second you spot a hot girl that everyone wants. I could see lots of advise here working on girls that are hiding in the corner and not on the girls in the spotlight. Keep in mind, as a PUA, you are competing against naturals who may be better looking than you as well as chumps with no game. Its easy to write off the chumps, but what about the other naturals? Do you simply give up because they are gaming her also?

 

[STR8UP]

I don't understand how you can draw a distinction between gaming the girl and "making her come to you." It seems like the same thing, wherein, the guy with the best game gets the girl. I find it odd that you don't recognize the fact that there will be others after her. Do you just deny that there are other guys after the girl you want? How exactly do you stand out in a crowd if there are dozens of PUA's trying everything to get her? Do you sit back and wait for her to come to you-- cuz that ain't happening in real life. If you don't pursue at all, you lose.

There is a philosophy held by some that the only way to land a decent woman is to just "be" and your entire life will fall into place.

While this has some merit, it doesn't acknowledge that you need to "be" a certain way, whether it comes naturally to you or if it is a behavior that is learned later in life.

Some people will say "Women aren't attracted to looks/money/confidence/whatever", and will assert that they are simply attracted to what they are attracted to (some unquantifiable, mystical thing), which is utter BS.

Fact of the matter is, whether it is passive or not, you are always "gaming" women, and women will always be "gamed". It's a dance that has played out for tens of thousands of years in various arenas. It may look different today, but it is all essentially the same.

 

[Mr. Me]

If a girl is dating other people/considering options but showing interest, I cannot help but not take her as a serious interest

Your logic is off-kilter here. Let's change this thinking around. You're filtering a woman dating several people as meaning this disqualifies her as potential long term material. That's not practical. If she's popular, and can get dates, that's her privilege. Just as it is yours. She doesn't have to give that all up because she meets one more guy who she has some interest in.

How can you expect someone who barely knows you to "care" enough for you that they'll forsake all others?

And you don't have to prove anything to her, she has to "prove" it to herself. And if you're made of the right stuff, chances are good that will happen. Be more concerned that she's good for you. That's what she's doing, you know. She has to be made of the right stuff too.