Committting to a girl with sexual trauma

[Lauel]

TLDR:
Would you stay committed to a person totally, and kill your physical desires just because the person in front of you is not ready even if that person is honest, loyal and caring to you?


I am 20, a virgin, and a girl I am currently with has sexual trauma. A few I know, and a few I don't even know despite me being with her for 8 months. I have spent strong 3 months trying to make sure this isn't a facade, and yes, apparently the way body shivers, and person almost goes unconscious and cries I can confirm it is so.

While she has a very beautiful soul and character, I have reached a point, where controlling myself feels kind of miserable and irritating. I am divided between caring for my own desires, and self-sacrificing myself for "our" good.
We have tried to get closer, and it did work until a certain point. While we haven't been sexual, I did got her comfortable with my body, we cuddled, step-by-step, respectfully, and stopped at the very moment she said, "No".

I didn't mind it, because I liked standing together with her and helping her through this.
We haven't been able to meet up passionately (like we used to) for more than a month, yesterday, she said that she has crossed enough limits, and she doesn't feel safe coming over my house (it's only us when we are there), she wouldn't go to hotel because that isn't right, and she wants us to move in a live-in before getting "intimate".
It hurt me a bit that her love is kind of dependent on us being "official" and getting into a live in, and moreover was impacted more from external factors than our own.

I or this issue itself might sound petty to anyone reading this, but this relationship feels more like begging. I am giving my whole, getting on vc with her because she can't sleep without it, helping her through trauma, extremely toxic family issues, insecurities expressing themselves through unreasonable fights, gaslighting that I don't love her anymore, or prioritize her, etc.
I have a fear of being used emotionally and left begging for physical intimacy from my last relationship, it really haunts me and I feel I am being eaten away.

This all made me ask something:
If a girl devotes herself physically to a guy hoping he gets emotionally invested, everyone says it is wrong, but if a guy invests himself emotionally in the hope of getting physical intimacy, is it just that wrong?
Here, I really feel so.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Hot take: maybe she’s not the only one in the relationship with serious internal issues that need to be addressed….

Its not like she’s just sexually damaged and you’re helping her and she’s treating you great otherwise, you are saying she’s gaslighting you and other things.

If I was a betting man (I am a betting man,) I would guess your (potentially limited) personal network has already told you this is a toxic situation and now you’ve come here expecting a different outcome…

I will not be offering it.

I think in the kindest most respectful way possible that you will benefit from internal work like therapy

 

[Lauel]

Hot take: maybe she’s not the only one in the relationship with serious internal issues that need to be addressed….

Its not like she’s just sexually damaged and you’re helping her and she’s treating you great otherwise, you are saying she’s gaslighting you and other things.

If I was a betting man (I am a betting man,) I would guess your (potentially limited) personal network has already told you this is a toxic situation and now you’ve come here expecting a different outcome…

I will not be offering it.

I think in the kindest most respectful way possible that you will benefit from internal work like therapy

It's okay.
I wouldn't deny the aspect of me holding internal issues, I am open to being pointed out on that. So thanks on that part.
If you were on the same position, would you in act in the same manner or different to this?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

As a counsellor to women with PTSD, I can tell you that you will be unable to help her, whatever you're doing. This girl sounds like she needs a therapist, as she will keep using her 'trauma' to manipulate others.

Meanwhile, as far as I can ascertain your mental health, I think you'd benefit from talking with a professional about your personal issues.

The two of you are no match and I have no doubt this would only end in tears.

 

[Lauel]

As a counsellor to women with PTSD, I can tell you that you will be unable to help her, whatever you're doing. This girl sounds like she needs a therapist, as she will keep using her 'trauma' to manipulate others.

Meanwhile, as far as I can ascertain your mental health, I think you'd benefit from talking with a professional about your personal issues.

The two of you are no match and I have no doubt this would only end in tears.

The last comment mentioned this too. Maybe it's my blind spot, respectfully asking, but what "personal issues" of mine did you notice here?

 

[ThisIsSparta]

TLDR:
Would you stay committed to a person totally, and kill your physical desires just because the person in front of you is not ready even if that person is honest, loyal and caring to you?


I am 20, a virgin, and a girl I am currently with has sexual trauma. A few I know, and a few I don't even know despite me being with her for 8 months. I have spent strong 3 months trying to make sure this isn't a facade, and yes, apparently the way body shivers, and person almost goes unconscious and cries I can confirm it is so.

While she has a very beautiful soul and character, I have reached a point, where controlling myself feels kind of miserable and irritating. I am divided between caring for my own desires, and self-sacrificing myself for "our" good.
We have tried to get closer, and it did work until a certain point. While we haven't been sexual, I did got her comfortable with my body, we cuddled, step-by-step, respectfully, and stopped at the very moment she said, "No".

I didn't mind it, because I liked standing together with her and helping her through this.
We haven't been able to meet up passionately (like we used to) for more than a month, yesterday, she said that she has crossed enough limits, and she doesn't feel safe coming over my house (it's only us when we are there), she wouldn't go to hotel because that isn't right, and she wants us to move in a live-in before getting "intimate".
It hurt me a bit that her love is kind of dependent on us being "official" and getting into a live in, and moreover was impacted more from external factors than our own.

I or this issue itself might sound petty to anyone reading this, but this relationship feels more like begging. I am giving my whole, getting on vc with her because she can't sleep without it, helping her through trauma, extremely toxic family issues, insecurities expressing themselves through unreasonable fights, gaslighting that I don't love her anymore, or prioritize her, etc.
I have a fear of being used emotionally and left begging for physical intimacy from my last relationship, it really haunts me and I feel I am being eaten away.

This all made me ask something:
If a girl devotes herself physically to a guy hoping he gets emotionally invested, everyone says it is wrong, but if a guy invests himself emotionally in the hope of getting physical intimacy, is it just that wrong?
Here, I really feel so.

The only thing left for you to do is get the hell outa there as soon as possible.

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

You are 20, no point in throwing away your life.

Dont be the white knight trying to rescue the mentally disturbed damsel, or the dragon will eat you and spit out your tender soul.

You cant save her. Save yourself and use your energy to build up and become a man some women desire.

 

[Lauel]

The only thing left for you to do is get the hell outa there as soon as possible.

This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

You are 20, no point in throwing away your life.

Dont be the white knight trying to rescue the mentally disturbed damsel, or the dragon will eat you and spit out your tender soul.

You cant save her. Save yourself and use your energy to build up and become a man some women desire.

I intend to meet her up tomorrow in person; to explain it to her, I can't do this. It has been taking too much of a toll on me, and leaves me with a feeling of unsatisfied and unworthiness.

 

[FlirtLife]

Notice how you didn't say girlfriend in your posts? Think about that for a moment. You have an asexual friendship that irritates you and makes you miserable. I think your self-esteem is so low, you're ignoring your own needs and relishing how nice you have been. You might benefit from reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

In your latest post, you list three reasons why you can't do this:
1. too much of a toll : this is about her taking a toll on you. Notice you're making this about her.
2. leaves you feeling unsatisfied. Again, you're asking her to satisfy you after more than half a year of not doing so.
3. feeling unworthy. Of what? Of her? Why do all of your reasons center on her, instead of you?

I think you need to be more selfish, but that is difficult while you feel "unworthiness". You need to break up with her because this hasn't worked out, and you've given it more than enough time. A sexless relationship for 8 months isn't worth continuing - if that is even a relationship. She is using you for therapy, and denying you from getting your needs met with someone else. She needs a professional, and you need to move on.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

The last comment mentioned this too. Maybe it's my blind spot, respectfully asking, but what "personal issues" of mine did you notice here?

I have a fear of being used emotionally and left begging for physical intimacy from my last relationship, it really haunts me and I feel I am being eaten away.

I am 20, a virgin

You haven't had a sexual relationship yet, and you're inexperienced with intimacy, but overly emotional towards a non-sexual 'relationship' that you haven't consumed after eight months, despite your efforts to increase the intimacy.

By the way, I said you should talk about this with a professional, not necessarily a therapist, but someone who can help you over your insecurities. Maybe a course in assertiveness can help you better protect your own boundaries without anxiety.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Lauel,
Mate while you have a chance,get away from the clutches of this Girl....Both Amsterdam and Sparta are wise and experienced posters,listen to them and avoid a very unhappy experience.

 

[Lauel]

So we didn't meet up. A fight broke out at her house (yes some serious family issues). So I had to end it on a phone call. I explained it to her that I have reached a point where I can't keep on going. I have had my hopes till now, but from now on wards I can't. Also mentioned, instead of me cheating on her, I would rather honestly let her know this has come to end.
She sobbed and cried with shallow breathing and shivering voice. I felt bad, but I had no other option other than respectfully explaining it to her.
I just hope she won't come in front of my house like last time, and this ends in a peaceful manner.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Lauel,
You have done entirely the right thing....Prepare yourself for an onslaught though,she will be back....Go 100% No contact,let her be someone elses headache!

 

[RangerMIke]

As others have mentioned... You should only be concerned about what you can control. You cannot control women, oh sure she might go along with your agenda for a while... but if she is doing something she does not want to do... well... then you the man will have to pay for that.

The real issue isn't the woman described by the OP, it is the OP who continues to hang around a chick that isn't giving him what he wants. It is an indication of low self-esteem. It is a lot easier to fix yourself... and impossible to fix someone else unless they want to be fixed.

Now if the OP was in his 30s... doing sh1t like this... I would be shaking my head... but at 20.... well it's a lack of life experience and really not his fault that he was raised in a world where he has been conditioned to believe he can fix things... watching movies and TV shows where if a man would just try and try and try... eventually the chick tosses in the towel and falls for him. That is not reality.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Don't do it unless you want your life to become a drama filled mess and be on an emotional roller coaster day in and day out.

Or unless you enjoy being in toxic relationships.

 

[Lauel]

Hi Lauel,
You have done entirely the right thing....Prepare yourself for an onslaught though,she will be back....Go 100% No contact,let her be someone elses headache!

I think I would have to block her. She is messaging on Instagram (i have blocked her on messages), putting stories, and writing phrases like "Was it even real?", "You never loved me right?". I wanted to avoid blocking her but rather wanted her to understand this and let it go. Ig I would have to.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I think I would have to block her. She is messaging on Instagram (i have blocked her on messages), putting stories, and writing phrases like "Was it even real?", "You never loved me right?". I wanted to avoid blocking her but rather wanted her to understand this and let it go. Ig I would have to.

I'm sorry, but you need to be more mercenary with this. She's out to hurt you on social media, blocking her is a rational response. Don't leave your door open.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I think I would have to block her. She is messaging on Instagram (i have blocked her on messages), putting stories, and writing phrases like "Was it even real?", "You never loved me right?". I wanted to avoid blocking her but rather wanted her to understand this and let it go. Ig I would have to.

Do not reply, block her everywhere.
This is just another psychogame, trying to lure you back to gaslight and abuse you even more.

You did the right thing, good job. Now stay strong, DO NOT REPLY!

You owe her NOTHING!

Get yourself busy and stop wasting time, thought and energy on that woman.