Commitment phobia: stalemate

[Hellboy]

Hey this is a bit of a brainfry situation.

Anyone reading any of my posts about my Greek girl will know that things started off and heated up very quickly. We spent a lot of quality time together and acted as if we were in love, although this was never vocalised.

It's been just over two months now. Official for one. Last night seemed a bit odd. We went to a mutual friends house for a meal and had a good laugh. The guy is very charismatic and pretty much dominates the conversation, so me and my girl didn't get much chance to communicate. Then (by chance) my ex showed up (she is a good friend) and I spoke to her for a bit.

When we left the flat me and my girl walked in silence which is weird, and at one point she actually seemed to want to get away from me (she walked round a car for no reason). Then we drove back to mine in silence. She came down to my room and again we sat in silence for a few agonising minutes. I don't know why, my mind was totally blank. This has never happened before.

Anyways, we ended up kissing and had sex, which was great. Afterwards we had a heart to heart about our relationship.

The general tone of the conversation was that we are both commitment phobic. We both like each other a lot and care about each other, but we are both very wary of exposing ourselves emotionally to getting hurt.

We share a very similar background in that we are both players, we are both commitment phobic, we have both been in two long LTRs for about the same time, our exes were both very possessive, and we are both serial cheats. So basically we have hurt ourselves in the past by hurting others. But we have done this in the past because we get bored and claustrophobic in a relationship.

Conclusion: we like each other a lot but don't want to risk hurting the other person. We are both also very wary of being hurt ourselves by the same process or vice versa. It's like we've met our match and are now in a stalemate. Or should I say make or break.

I don't know what to do. Either embrace the feelings, throw caution to the wind and allow our feelings to blossom, OR tone things down, accept that it's not meant to be and simply have fun f*king and hanging out, OR call it quits and stop seeing each other.

Then again if I wasn't so damned analytical of everything maybe this wouldn't be a problem. Maybe I just need a kick up the backside. Thank you for being my frustration vent

 

[NewMan]

Throwing it away is not going to solve anything - especially if you both like each other.

Having personally dealt with these problems - and fvcked up 2 great relationships - my advice would be this:

- Always communicate your thoughts and feelings to each other. If you both understand where your coming from - and you both can handle the truth - then you have a shot. But it's important not to clam up - or hide your feelings for fear of hurting the other person. Being a commitment phob - you'll know that your feelings can turn on a dime - and you have to understand that the same goes for her. But provided you are both open about this.... communicate everything - you may get through it.

 

[PVSSY-EATER]

Once again, a guy has a question, what does the responders give him, yeah thats right, A TECHNIQUE. Another guy will come and give another one, then another one, then another one....................hahahahahahahah, you dont DO anything that causes attraction....dont worry, I will give you guys some time to see what I am saying.

 

[TedJustAdmitIt]

Originally posted by Hellboy
we are both players, we are both commitment phobic and we are both serial cheats.

Take a step back and be honest with yourself...given what you said above what are the chances of a serious LTR happening between you two?

Both players?
Both afraid of commitment?
Both serial cheats?

Doesn't sound like either of you are ready or capable of a LTR does it?
I'd just chill out,fuk her her and have fun:yes:

PE:?????????Technique?????????

Since when has COMMUNICATION ever been a technique?

Step away from the crack pipe ya nutter.....

 

[Hellboy]

But it's important not to clam up - or hide your feelings for fear of hurting the other person.

What about fear of exposing myself emotionally? I think some of the concepts I picked up here over the years may be damaging this relationship, in the sense that I'm not sure I really want her to know how much I like her. Challange, unavailability etc. Example, last night I asked her if she thought I was really into her, and she said yes. I said, don't be so sure, I haven't decided myself yet. Little things like that, protecting myself from her.

I spoke to my Mum about it today (yes you read that correctly, she is a very wise woman), and she reckons my girl is head over heels in love (based on her own observations) but will pull away eventually if I keep mucking her about like the above example.

I can see both sides of the argument. I don't want to push her away by coming on strong, but at the same time I don't want her to feel like I'm a cold emotionless stone, and I just don't give a sht. Cos to be honest I think I do love her.

At the same time,

Take a step back and be honest with yourself...given what you said above what are the chances of a serious LTR happening between you two?

This is also a very valid point. However, I'd like to think I could change. So I gotta beleve she can come back from the other side too. I reckon she wants to, but is like me in the sense that she worries it might not happen.

PE, WTF? Did you post on the right thread?

I just called her. We had a very sweet conversation. I told her I had a bad day yesterday in case I came across as an ass (didn't actually apologise ). She said I wan't mean to her but I seemed very emotionally protective of myself. Smart girl.

I think I'm gonna just ride it out. Enjoy her company. Stop trying to analyse everything so much. Gah what a horrible habit to have! Take it a day at a time. We are going on holiday together next week for a week. In past relationships I have always ended up arguing with girls on these trips. If this one goes smoothly and I feel the same when we come back, maybe I'll just tell her how I feel.

Thanks for the comments guys. This board really does help me straighten my head out