coming from Indian culture into more open Canada what is the best way to adapt?

[Canadien]

This is my first post here, and very first steps in becoming comfortable talking to girls...

I know its really tough being 24 and single but thats exactly whats happenning to me, but there are lot of factors that are limiting my interaction with the girls!!

To begin there is a saying that "you learn from the people you hang around with," so keeping that in mind, none of my cousins are dating or flirting with girls or going to clubs or parties that i'm aware of, and I don't even know if they have girlfriends.

Furthermore, they're so much career oriented, and so indian that it makes me feel bad even posting this topic here!!

another factor is I'm also university student living with parents just like my cousins so there is a thought that even if conversation leads somewhere how do I deal with the fact that my parents are Indian, and I probably can't invite some strange woman to my house.

final factor is I don't go to clubs, mostly because I don't drink alcohol, and I just got so bad impression from media, while I also don't have friend who can take me there, so if club is out of question, then what else is out there?

In India we are taught to look at woman more respectfully and somehow I never got over that, and because of that thought of trying to get woman to have sex with me seems outrageous, and impossible at this moment.

In our culture as I've noticed we are expected to finish school, start working, and then get married, and I can't find a way around that, and thats the way all of my cousins are living their life, so how can I convince myself to make conversation without any long term plans, its really hard, I just can't think of topics to talk about.

I find that I'm attracted to lot of woman, and after some observation I discovered that they look back on many ocassions, but at this moment I freeze and become nervous, and can't lookup especially when they're looking directly at me... I don't know if its a fear or what, somehow during the eye contact I start thinking about all the constraints and how different I am from her and what do I even say...

I know more stuff then lot of people in terms of movies, sports, curent events actually people that know me complaint that I need to ease up and talk less but I'm having hard time expressing myself to strangers in a similar fashion somehow I become very defensive how do I get over talking to someone from different culture or country.

My parents already have plans setout for me to get married by going back to India, but I still want to see whats available here before I accept the easy way out...

How did you guys first resolve this problem, right now it seems impossible, but for my part I have accepted my weakness and am willing to change, but how hard is it.

Thanks for reading my long rant, I hope to get some good tips for this daring venture.

 

[Canadien]

but is it to late for me?

I'm already 24, and probably missed out on lot of opportunities.

Should I hide my inexperience with woman when making conversations? should I mask myself and give an image of what they really want? Should the intention be getting a woman to bed or is just having casual conversation enough? should I present myself for who I really am?

I know woman like guys who flirt and are daring, I myself am very shy and hate giving even hint of flirtation so what do I do to start the conversation or just break the ice?

I've found that once I start talking its hard for anyone to stop me, but I need to feel comfortable with the person before I come to this stage.

 

[djtdot]

lol due I am Indian too where are you in Canada? What university do you go to?

 

[spesmilitis]

im indian canadian too. . . .

Never let your background get in the way of who you want to be.

Stop revolving your life around what women want:
Do you want to be shy? If so, don't change it. If not, work on being outgoing.

One thing that will really help out is to move out. Most colleges have a rental listing where people can post for wanted roomates. Look around and find a roomate whose right for you.

Join some clubs/organizations/sports at your university. Do what interests you. Find passions where you interact with people.

How about talking to people in your classes?

If you've got your own place and met some people, throw a party and invite everyone you know.

 

[danielzxc]

Do you have a strong indian accent? If you do, that's too bad, because the indian accent just doesn't sound good to native English speakers. Unless you are VERY good looking, your accent will be a huge obstacle. Adapting to new cultures is very hard and takes a lot of time (YEARS). Might not be "fair", but that's the way life is.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

Seek out a man by the name of Van Wilder. He has all the answers you're looking for.

 

[petah2001]

Vancouver area by any chance?

24 is young, if you're worried about your inexperienced past then you've lost half the battle. You can try to hide any of your shame and regret but it would be far better if you simply didn't have it. Try adopting a more confident and positive attitude. I cannot tell you how to do this but I'm sure you'll find out how in time.

 

[Kev07]

well you hsave to remember, if you're mooching off your parents you gota do what they say, and that seems to be leading to an arranged mariage.

only advice i can give is go live at a dorm at your university. you meet people at university right? girls? good, guys? hang out with them and learn things.

 

[Canadien]

I live in Montreal

im indian canadian too. . . .

Never let your background get in the way of who you want to be.

Stop revolving your life around what women want:
Do you want to be shy? If so, don't change it. If not, work on being outgoing.

One thing that will really help out is to move out. Most colleges have a rental listing where people can post for wanted roomates. Look around and find a roomate whose right for you.

Join some clubs/organizations/sports at your university. Do what interests you. Find passions where you interact with people.

How about talking to people in your classes?

If you've got your own place and met some people, throw a party and invite everyone you know.

and am going to concordia university, and considering none of my cousin left their parents its next to impossible for me to do that, and my parents would go crazy if we left them, we'r all they have...

I also have brother who is studying with me by the way, and he's in the same boat just like me, but I've finally accepted to change while I'm still trying for him to do the same..

I do go out with my cosuins and brother to watch movies, cultural shows even indian parties.

However, Life has become way to predictable, as I am still doing what I was doing three years ago, and I'm still unable to approach strangers, maybe its because I have so much company with my brother and other cousins that it was ok to not want to meet new people.

Money is another issue, considering I only work in summer I have to live by money crunch all the time, but then again I have no debt from my education, I'm just to careful in making most of my decisions, so even that keeps me away from lot of things..

 

[squirrels]

First post here and it's in the wrong forum.

 

[Kev07]

If you want to really change, you have to take a risk. living life by the paycheck might be one of those risks

 

[Freddy1]

Canadien for starters find out whats in fashion (see what other guys are into).
Work on studying body language/gestures, get into the music scene, get some non Indian friends while your at it etc.

 

[Canadien]

I have one more

If you want to really change, you have to take a risk. living life by the paycheck might be one of those risks

year left in the university, and I was working labour job in the summar, I'm trying to get a job or at least do something that would complement my education atleast, I don't want to get used to doing cheap jobs...

I have no problem working, I might actually be what you call hard worker, so please don't call me out for nothing.

I'm trying to put everything togather but it takes time, I can't change my present in a second, it requires time and patience. I have along with my brother decided to give education bigger priority for now...

 

[Canadien]

I actually joined

Canadien for starters find out whats in fashion (see what other guys are into).
Work on studying body language/gestures, get into the music scene, get some non Indian friends while your at it etc.

an english conversation group in the university, and while its not much atleast I get to see and meet new people and really see how other people think.

Furthermore, I have also started going to cultural dances and am presently looking for any opportunity to meet new people.

I'm trying to change but it will need some time, I have been used to one style of living for very long.

What we had so far was I used to play games, watch movies, eat dinner with my cousins, so even thought of this change is giving me shivers, but in a good way, I know its for my own good but am still afraid to see where this is leading.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Moved to the discussion forum...

 

[sexy_kuta]

ok yaar.. let me tell u something im fully hindu bramin.. bored and raised in canada...

i give u some tips. that will benfit you.

first is, dont make the same mistake that every fob does.. meaning ppl who are fresh into this culture.

they try so hard to fit in. and it makes them look like a fool, relax and take things slowly. go out.. become outgoing and then u will fit in..

1.wear deorantant..

2.dont bath in clone. meaning only one or two sprays.

3. gotta loose the accent.. its hard but practice.. the more english u talk the better u get.

4. dont stare and every girl that walks. it creeps them. most fobs do this. i know they do that back in india but not here in canada.

5. adapt to the style and class.. read maxima magazines. find out ppl styles and different class. how they stress

you will adapt on your own space so dont worry. dont rush things. take it slowly.. make new friends. making friends is always easy, so go walk up to ppl.. introduce yourself and began from there

 

[sexy_kuta]

oye kidda paji

 

[spesmilitis]

and am going to concordia university, and considering none of my cousin left their parents its next to impossible for me to do that, and my parents would go crazy if we left them, we'r all they have...

There's a first time for everything. Maybe your cousins didn't want to leave as badly as you wanted to. Besides, you're never gonna leave them forever, you'll still say in contact and visit often. . . its just that you want your own life also. Remember, it is still your life, not theirs.

Even if you can't bear to straight up tell you're out of their house, atleast tell them how you feel, about wanted you're own life and all. You guys don't have to agree on one thing one way or another for now, but tell them what you're thinking, how you feel.

 

[raspliffarian]

canadien, you sound mired in your troubles more than focused on your goals

what do you want?

maybe you need to figure out what you really want and then work to make it happen

always look on the brighter side of life... you've got your s#it together more than most... just let it all come together in due time

 

[cyp6]

HEY Bro was up....

Im sri laken, i came here when i was 11 years old.... my parents are very traditional buddists... eeek, probebly similer to yours... there are steps you can take to help your parents desentize to the American/Western way of life...

First thing you need to do is make many friends that are not Indean or sri laken for that matter, basically dont go out of your way to make friends with people of your age that look like you.. mabey stop spending alot of time with your seemingly looser cousins, belive me i have many like them... (dosnt mean i love them any less, ok mabey just a lil less =] ) make friend from many diffent backgrounds. its important that you recodnize that you are a man, you should not feel guilty for wanting to have sex with women, i know how our parents can be...

ok now you have a couple of white, black, spanish ect ect friends.. start bringing them home, "to study" and invite them to dinner so your parents can meet them.. yes it will be acward.... make sure to invite girls that you are not attracted to home also, just so your parents get used to the idea that you are speaking to women and not just guys.. as it is normal for men in america to have girls that are friends..

any way once your parents get used to this introduce other things... that will desentize them...

oh yea.. it is very important that you astablish you view on arraged marrages, but dont be disrespectful of the institution(im sure you parent had an arraged marrage) just be firm on your feeling on it.

another thing. it is very important that you move out...

im moving out of the house... transfering school and moving out of the state in 15 days.... my parents were hesitant, but i showed them the value of them tursting me, and they realize how important it is for me to be "indipendent"

any ways hopes this help.. pm with any questions... and as plasticsergen said. its good to see all the desi homies coming out.

EDIT..........

oh yea I forgot to mention.... i have never dated an indean, sri laken chick... by the way white girls give bomb head, im sure all the westernized dessi homies will agree...