Comfort vs Attraction

[manfromitaly]

I'd be curious to know your opinions, I had already asked a similar question and received interesting feedback but this is a slightly more specific question.

Over the years, out of curiosity and motivation I have watched many videos of various PUAs and as we know each of them thinks differently. There are those who say that it is important to create a connection with the woman or those who even say that comfort is for losers, that it is not very masculine and that for roles it must be the woman who creates a connection, while we should only create attraction.

The only way I have to express my opinion, of course, is based on my positive and negative experiences.

And I have to say many times I have been rejected when I have tried to make a connection.

Now I don't know how it would have ended if I had acted differently. Maybe, the way I am, when I try to make a connection I come across as too friendly? And that could make her lose the attraction.

Or maybe as someone already told me, is it all about natural attraction? Has a woman already decided whether to sleep with you no matter what you say or do?

The problem arises because many times, she seems interested, attracted but then I get rejected and therefore it is difficult for me to calibrate the girl's interest.

And when that happens I want to be very direct next time so I don't waste time.

I would be interested in your opinions and sorry if I was unclear and expressed different ideas

 

[characternote]

I've probably read and tested everything under the sun about PUA/game, but can only answer from my perspective

Most classic models (say mysterymethod or LondonDayGame model) say you must start in 'attraction'. They say it's beta males who approach girls and start off in 'comfort' (by just asking her some questions and shooting the $hit)

while we should only create attraction

I believe you can't really create attraction. More that you can amplify existing attraction. The PUA method for this will depend on who you follow, but it's all stuff that you can easily test for yourself. For example, mystery says he 'creates attraction' by telling her stories that make him sound like a cool alpha dude (DHV's) and by negging her (playful insults). LondonDaygamers say they 'create attraction' by using 'cold reads' where they playfully make assumptions about her. Direct gamers say they 'create attraction' by simply being super direct from the get go and basically stating they want to bang her almost instantly

I think that this is all not fit for purpose. Do we really think if Danny Devito (without fame) approaches some stunning teenage 10/10 model (who of course won't be attracted to him off the bat) and he negs her and then tells a story about his hot ex gf (dhv) is going to get her chasing him? It's just fantasy. Really, just watching infields of any PUA you can think of will show you how it's all basically irrelevant. All of the techniques etc.

Or maybe as someone already told me, is it all about natural attraction? Has a woman already decided whether to sleep with you no matter what you say or do?

Pretty much, i'm afraid. Not to say you can't VERY slightly move the needle which is useful to turn a 'he's kinda hot but i'm not sure i'm feeling it' into 'ok, I'm taking this guy home'.

But there's no black magic. Nobody has 'game' to the point they can basically 'seduce' girls. The very best PUA's who have ever walked the earth will get rejected again and again if they are hitting on super hot young girls, and he is old and not good looking, basically.

In terms of attraction vs comfort though, I think it was Vin Di Carlo who was the first one to go against mystery and who believed that actually you were better off STARTING in comfort. He said mystery was wrong and that walking up too a super hot girl who's clearly way better looking than you and then negging her and stuff will just result in a b1tchy rejection and that's been true in my personal experience, so i'm with him there. It doesn't make her 'chase you' as per mystery. The opposite. She doesn't care about you! You're not her type. She's not gonna chase you just because you playfully insulted her fake nails with a backhanded compliment lol. I noticed a very slight improvement (at least less harsh rejections lol) when I opened more in comfort in a more friendly way. Forgetting 'game' (breaking rapport, essentially)

Long story short, it's worth playing around with for your own peace of mind, but it's all largely irrelevant in my experience. More or less everything 'works' if you are her type, and nothing works if you are not her type

 

[Dr.Suave]

TLDR. Even your writing is needy and boring bro. If I was a hot girl, you would have already dried my poozy up so fast. Not attacking you, just joking and some though love.

Sounds like maybe there is a lot of stuff going on. My bet is one of those things is that you are overthinking. You are still young. Chill the f0ck out. Keep improving. Experiment different things with girls but FFS try to enjoy the journey.

 

[manfromitaly]

@characternote Thanks for the reply, the question I ask myself, which is the one that prompted me to create the post is: why on earth does a girl who seems interested, who agrees to be touched, play along, end up rejecting you? When it happens it is very annoying

 

[manfromitaly]

But as Dr Suave says, I am too thoughtful and many times there are no answers, things go as they should

 

[Canadian_Man]

@characternote ... why on earth does a girl who seems interested, who agrees to be touched, play along, end up rejecting you? When it happens it is very annoying

You're getting stuck on the past.

She was interested (while she was showing it), and lost interest (when she stopped showing it).

That's it.

Something caused the shift, and you might never know what it was.

 

[Dr.Suave]

@characternote Why on earth does a girl who seems interested, who agrees to be touched, play along, end up rejecting you? When it happens it is very annoying

Some girls lose interest. Other I think they just get off on the attention/validation. H0s gonnas H0. Attention wh0res gonna attention wh0re. Ignore them and try to filter for high interest.

 

[kavi]

What you need is tension. When there is real attraction there is tension. Attraction can only be measured by tension. But because its possible to get dates, sex and relationships without tension most guys dont understand this and hence they go for comfort as soon as they see interest. But interest and attraction are not the same thing. If there is interest but no attraction a guy can still get everything even a marriage and an ltr, hookups and everything but this guy mostly wont have control over whats going, this is because there is no attraction only interest, and that can happen due to 'convenience' reasons like a woman wanting a marriage, or a bang, or whatever.

But attraction needs to be separated from interest. Interest is inamate and can be based on you having stuff like status, looks, money, even physique and a woman can even physically desire a guy but still that is just interest and not attraction. For attraction there has to be actual tension and tension and comfort are often opposing forces.

 

[manfromitaly]

You're getting stuck on the past.

She was interested (while she was showing it), and lost interest (when she stopped showing it).

That's it.

Something caused the shift, and you might never know what it was.

Yes it is, and it has happened several times, but it's my fault that every now and then I ruminate on the past and ask myself questions, I have to take myself more lightly

 

[CollegeMan22]

Dude, women are f0cking nuts. They are an emotional roller coaster.

You’re gonna fail. A lot. But it’s all good. As long as one chick likes you, you’re good. Then you don’t need to do a scientific experiment on the rest.

Attraction comes from kino and flirting. Comfort comes from her sharing deep feelings and information to you, so ask deep questions after you flirt.

Even if you do this, guess what? SOME GIRLS STILL WONT LIKE YOU.

But it doesn’t matter. Because some will. Just keep charging ahead and approaching. A few will stick and you’ll be a satisfied man.

 

[manfromitaly]

What you need is tension. When there is real attraction there is tension. Attraction can only be measured by tension. But because its possible to get dates, sex and relationships without tension most guys dont understand this and hence they go for comfort as soon as they see interest. But interest and attraction are not the same thing. If there is interest but no attraction a guy can still get everything even a marriage and an ltr, hookups and everything but this guy mostly wont have control over whats going, this is because there is no attraction only interest, and that can happen due to 'convenience' reasons like a woman wanting a marriage, or a bang, or whatever.

But attraction needs to be separated from interest. Interest is inamate and can be based on you having stuff like status, looks, money, even physique and a woman can even physically desire a guy but still that is just interest and not attraction. For attraction there has to be actual tension and tension and comfort are often opposing forces.

Your opinion is very interesting, I think it explains exactly my doubts, because I'm sure I know how to deal with girls and that I can attract them.

But precisely the problem arises in maintaining or creating interest, that's where I lose them.

It's like I have a gun with only one bullet, if I meet a girl live I can attract her, but if I can't close right away, I lose her

 

[manfromitaly]

@CollegeMan22 Yes I agree, I manage to mix the two when I'm with a girl, my strong point is kino but at the same time I try to get to know her and make myself known, but as you said sometimes it's not enough, especially if I can't to conclude at the first meeting

 

[kavi]

Your opinion is very interesting, I think it explains exactly my doubts, because I'm sure I know how to deal with girls and that I can attract them.

But precisely the problem arises in maintaining or creating interest, that's where I lose them.

It's like I have a gun with only one bullet, if I meet a girl live I can attract her, but if I can't close right away, I lose her

Tbh I dont know what to say, these things are hard to explain. I know lots of guys like you, they can get girls but cannot keep them and in reality have no leverage or understanding of whats going on. Mostly these guys can get close to women and they have a combination of some attributes that cause interest like decent looks, conversation, friendliness, forwardness, status or whatever and they also can build comfort which is also related to touching and kino but there is not much 'tension' there so they will lose the woman over time quite often.

You should look at concepts like push and pull and even negging and teasing and these are related to the tension building i am talking about and it is related to bringing drama and emotional addiction from women.

 

[manfromitaly]

Tbh I dont know what to say, these things are hard to explain. I know lots of guys like you, they can get girls but cannot keep them and in reality have no leverage or understanding of whats going on. Mostly these guys can get close to women and they have a combination of some attributes that cause interest like decent looks, conversation, friendliness, forwardness, status or whatever and they also can build comfort which is also related to touching and kino but there is not much 'tension' there so they will lose the woman over time quite often.

You should look at concepts like push and pull and even negging and teasing and these are related to the tension building i am talking about and it is related to bringing drama and emotional addiction from women.

You're making me reflect on some aspects, I understand what you mean by tension, in fact I think I often lose them because when I "understand" that she is attracted, I become too obvious and accommodating and that's where the tension vanishes

 

[Hamurabimbi]

It probably depends on your goal (LTR or ONS), the way you look (BF/husband high-trust vs. sleezy, fuqboi) and her goal (LTR/ONS). And. how much time you have to develop her.

 

[The Duke]

You're making me reflect on some aspects, I understand what you mean by tension, in fact I think I often lose them because when I "understand" that she is attracted, I become too obvious and accommodating and that's where the tension vanishes

Always keep dangling the carrot in front of them. only let them nibble on it. Push, pull, tease.

 

[BadBoy89]

why on earth does a girl who seems interested, who agrees to be touched, play along, end up rejecting you? When it happens it is very annoying

Question asked. Question answered.

She knows you are getting older so she wants to see how desperate you are, what you will do for love and sex, how you will react emotionally when she says no to having sex with you.

If you get annoyed at getting rejected for sex, her job is complete.
If you don’t get annoyed at getting rejected for sex, she still has work to do.