Unlock the Secrets to Dating Success

New to the SoSuave forum? Start your journey to becoming a dating rockstar with our essential guide.

This comprehensive resource will give you the tools and strategies you need to overcome obstacles, build confidence, and attract the women you've always wanted.

Don't let another day go by without taking control of your dating life - start now and get ready to experience the success and fulfillment you deserve.

Thanks for visiting, and I look forward to your success!

college essay

Crazy Asian

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 29, 2007
Messages
1,063
Reaction score
9
Age
33
this is the second paragraph of my college essay.

comments?

Oh how wonderful it was to not having any deadlines whoosh by, or the constant rambling of my Asian parents about how I need to get good grades or else I will end up living in a cardboard box trying to endure mid-January weather. My schedule was wonderfully simple. Swim in the morning, and cram as much food as humanly possible into my body. Fall straight into a coma-like sleep until whenever I pleased. That and a little measure of intense violin playing was all that I was all that was required of me. I’d stay out late with my buddies night after night, and we formed an almost brother-like bond. Everything felt so natural. Like a metronome, my summer ticked away in an endless perpetual motion. But it is tragic when the beat of the metronome does not match the tempo of the music one is playing.
 

Crazy Asian

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 29, 2007
Messages
1,063
Reaction score
9
Age
33
it's about how i developed a sleeping problem during the summer.
and i don't understand either of ur questions.
 

BlakeW5

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Apr 7, 2008
Messages
293
Reaction score
3
Location
KY
I really liked it. You use very vivid, descriptive language. I especially like how you talk of your parents and "endure mid-January weather" in a box (who can't relate to that?). Perhaps my favorite was the metronome talk... very clever and very original. Did you come up with that all by yourself (not knocking you, it's just really outstanding)?

I hope the whole essay was as well thought out. Just be sure not to drop the ball mid-way through the paper, it would be a HUGE letdown if it trailed off after an opener like that (kinda like a movie where the preview highlights all the best parts, feel me?). A+
 

Aragon034

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 31, 2008
Messages
574
Reaction score
15
Location
T-dot
what class is this?

Very nice, its easy to visualize what you're saying.
In fact, if the whole essay is going to have a musical flavor, compare the sleeping problem to the trials of sucessful harmony. Sort of like an orchestra
 

Crazy Asian

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 29, 2007
Messages
1,063
Reaction score
9
Age
33
BlakeW5 said:
I really liked it. You use very vivid, descriptive language. I especially like how you talk of your parents and "endure mid-January weather" in a box (who can't relate to that?). Perhaps my favorite was the metronome talk... very clever and very original. Did you come up with that all by yourself (not knocking you, it's just really outstanding)?

I hope the whole essay was as well thought out. Just be sure not to drop the ball mid-way through the paper, it would be a HUGE letdown if it trailed off after an opener like that (kinda like a movie where the preview highlights all the best parts, feel me?). A+
yup all by myself.
to be honest, i was quit amazed at how that metronome part came out.
i was like..... dam that's awesome.
 

MikeYikes122

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 16, 2003
Messages
841
Reaction score
30
Here is my editing on it. My changes are in bold

Crazy Asian said:
Oh how wonderful it was to not have to worry about deadlines or hear the constant ramblings of my Asian parents, who told me I had to get good grades or I'd be living in a cardboard box during the chilling mid-January weather. My schedule was wonderfully simple: swim in the morning, cram as much food as humanly possible into my body , then fall straight into a coma-like sleep that lasted until whenever I pleased. That and a little measure of intense violin playing was all that I was all that was required of me. I’d stay out late with my buddies night after night, forming an almost brother-like bond between us. Everything felt so natural. Like a metronome, my summer ticked away in an endless perpetual motion. But it is tragic when the beat of the metronome does not match the tempo of the music one is playing.
The closing sentence is good. I liked the comparisons.

A few other changes I'd make. I don't think you need to identify your parents as Asian unless you're adopted or something and you don't look like them. It just kind of seems like awkward and useless info.

You also say "perpetual motion". That might not be the right choice of words. Something that moves perpetually never stops and continues to operate forever. It sounds like you snapped out of whatever rut you were describing, so I'm not sure perpetual is what you want to say.

Just my opinion. :)
 

Crazy Asian

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 29, 2007
Messages
1,063
Reaction score
9
Age
33
wow thanks for the edit.
there were so many mistakes, but too bad i already turned it in :(
 
Top