college essay

[Crazy Asian]

this is the second paragraph of my college essay.

comments?

Oh how wonderful it was to not having any deadlines whoosh by, or the constant rambling of my Asian parents about how I need to get good grades or else I will end up living in a cardboard box trying to endure mid-January weather. My schedule was wonderfully simple. Swim in the morning, and cram as much food as humanly possible into my body. Fall straight into a coma-like sleep until whenever I pleased. That and a little measure of intense violin playing was all that I was all that was required of me. I’d stay out late with my buddies night after night, and we formed an almost brother-like bond. Everything felt so natural. Like a metronome, my summer ticked away in an endless perpetual motion. But it is tragic when the beat of the metronome does not match the tempo of the music one is playing.

 

[Heart Break Kid]

Is it satirical?

 

[Desert Fox]

is this a metaphor for ur djing experience or what

 

[Crazy Asian]

it's about how i developed a sleeping problem during the summer.
and i don't understand either of ur questions.

 

[BlakeW5]

I really liked it. You use very vivid, descriptive language. I especially like how you talk of your parents and "endure mid-January weather" in a box (who can't relate to that?). Perhaps my favorite was the metronome talk... very clever and very original. Did you come up with that all by yourself (not knocking you, it's just really outstanding)?

I hope the whole essay was as well thought out. Just be sure not to drop the ball mid-way through the paper, it would be a HUGE letdown if it trailed off after an opener like that (kinda like a movie where the preview highlights all the best parts, feel me?). A+

 

[Aragon034]

what class is this?

Very nice, its easy to visualize what you're saying.
In fact, if the whole essay is going to have a musical flavor, compare the sleeping problem to the trials of sucessful harmony. Sort of like an orchestra

 

[Crazy Asian]

I really liked it. You use very vivid, descriptive language. I especially like how you talk of your parents and "endure mid-January weather" in a box (who can't relate to that?). Perhaps my favorite was the metronome talk... very clever and very original. Did you come up with that all by yourself (not knocking you, it's just really outstanding)?

I hope the whole essay was as well thought out. Just be sure not to drop the ball mid-way through the paper, it would be a HUGE letdown if it trailed off after an opener like that (kinda like a movie where the preview highlights all the best parts, feel me?). A+

yup all by myself.
to be honest, i was quit amazed at how that metronome part came out.
i was like..... dam that's awesome.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Here is my editing on it. My changes are in bold

Oh how wonderful it was to not have to worry about deadlines or hear the constant ramblings of my Asian parents, who told me I had to get good grades or I'd be living in a cardboard box during the chilling mid-January weather. My schedule was wonderfully simple: swim in the morning, cram as much food as humanly possible into my body , then fall straight into a coma-like sleep that lasted until whenever I pleased. That and a little measure of intense violin playing was all that I was all that was required of me. I’d stay out late with my buddies night after night, forming an almost brother-like bond between us. Everything felt so natural. Like a metronome, my summer ticked away in an endless perpetual motion. But it is tragic when the beat of the metronome does not match the tempo of the music one is playing.

The closing sentence is good. I liked the comparisons.

A few other changes I'd make. I don't think you need to identify your parents as Asian unless you're adopted or something and you don't look like them. It just kind of seems like awkward and useless info.

You also say "perpetual motion". That might not be the right choice of words. Something that moves perpetually never stops and continues to operate forever. It sounds like you snapped out of whatever rut you were describing, so I'm not sure perpetual is what you want to say.

Just my opinion.

 

[Crazy Asian]

wow thanks for the edit.
there were so many mistakes, but too bad i already turned it in