Closure with BPD-ex

[Cerwin Vega]

I have updated the thread to make sure I'm not misleading anyone. You can skip straight to the Updates if you are in a hurry.

All the classical traits of BPD are there:
long cold shoulder episodes followed by short warmth episodes
girl always surrounds herself with men (some sort of a vibe or something)
me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time
her manipulating me into breaking contact with most of my friends
lack of friends and bad relationship with friends
extreme love-hate relationship with parents
extreme emotional highs and lows
extreme emasculation in front of my friends and in when we were alone
extreme jealousy (it was kinda cute in a way)
violence and disrespect towards me
high clingyness and neediness at the beginning
profanity towards me
breaking up over every silly thing
extreme withdrawal process etc.

We broke up because she lost her feelings for me, then I went for a full-blown NC right away; today it's a little over 3 months post break up.
She lost her feelings for me because I became a wimp and she allowed herself to emotionally cheat on me with another guy, and later on get into a relationship with him.

I broke no contact two days ago (after 90 days) thinking I can get her to be my fvck buddy (and turn her boyfriend into a cuckold provider) but I figured I'm still very addicted to this girl, so I canceled at the last minute (she was literally parking her car near my house when I told her we can't meet).
She was all flirtatious and didn't even mention the ex, was really nice and friendly, quickly agreed on the meet up; I guess she sensed an easy opportunity to suck me back in.

So what's driving me mad?
I can't seem to get closure. I can already expect everything that will happen:
Me: It's your fault for cheating on me
Her: ~Deny everything~ it was all innocent, I didn't even want him
Me: Is that why you got into a relationship with him?
Her: We were broken up, you stopped talking to me
Me: You said you don't feel anything for me anymore, hence the breakup
Her: It was just a phase, a real man would stick to his woman even on hard times
etc etc etc..it will always be my fault.

The ex will never confess in wrongdoing, in her mind she's always right and everything she does is innocent.

I can't get back with this girl, she cheated on me; I don't know how many guys she's been with since the breakup (and I don't wish to know) and I just know she's toxic for me.

I only feel I need to make her know she hurt me, she cheated and lied, she's not the angel she thinks she is and this was all HER FAULT.

Anyone had a similar experience with their BPD ex? Closure?

Edit 1:
We talked on the phone.
The conversation was not bad, she sounded very open and honest.
They were on a vacation. She told me they had sex.
She told me he was way better than me (not in a bragging way), "I didn't know women can orgasm 10 times straight", made my stomach turn and thinking of it still makes it twist and turn
She also told me he's smaller than me so it kinda made me laugh

We talked a bit about feelings, I told her we won't be able to get back together, she agreed that she cheated on me emotionally, but she never did anything physical behind my back. She said she is sorry for the pain she caused me.
It seems like she's kinda over me.

I told her it's a big pill to swallow all at once and I told her good luck but I don't think we can continue talking. she said ok and we hung up.
Deleted her off everywhere for the last time. I got my closure, she's no longer pure. She's no longer mine. She's desecrated.

I didn't sound needy, I suppressed my emotions but I told her I'm hurt.

One thing I can't understand is, how can a person be "so much better" in sex? I mean, I could last for an hour and **** her hard till she got sore, switch positions, go down on her for hours not to mention she said I'm bigger so WHAT THE ****?

Anyway I am totally wrecked after that conversation, my whole world has collapsed on me and I just want to bury myself. Words cannot describe the amount of agony and hopelessness I am feeling right now. No, I will not kill myself, use drugs or alcohol. I just want to wake up happy and forget it all happened.

Please don't try to make me feel better by telling me she's lying, I prefer total brutality more than sweet dreams.

Edit 2:
We were both virgins.
What she said last night simply shattered me.
I told her I cannot accept her. She said she can't accept me either.
"I can't accept you because I already did things that mean we can't go back" - they had sex. My babe is not mine anymore. SHE HAS MOVED ON.
She didn't volunteer the information, I was the one to ask who's better.
"You can't compare yourself to him...he's much older than you and much more experienced"
It smashed my brittle ego. The shards hit my self image and smashed it too.
She did well. She didn't give me any false hopes and was rather emotionless during the whole conversation. She was honest, but apparently the truth hit me harder than a ton of bricks.
I can honestly say I am at the lowest point of my life at the moment.

I slept about 1 hour straight at night, woke up at 5:00am and went for a walk outside. It helped.

All I can say is that most of the bad things this woman has done to me are a direct result of my behavior - i.e me being too clingy, me not reacting appropriately when she was testing me etc.

This is closure for me. I never meant to get back with her, but I sure was hoping for it to happen. I honestly didn't know if she still wants me but now I am 100% positive that it ain't gonna happen.

It hurts so bad. It's the worst pain I ever had in my life; I have a herniated disc and I ruptured my calf muscle so I know what real pain feels like.
Words cannot describe what I'm going through right now. It can't be possible that all people go through this without jumping off a cliff or shooting themselves in the head.

I need to start moving on with my life.
I want to make a big change. It's kinda hard when you are already at your top workout routine (x5 times a week) and eating healthy.

Edit 3:
It's a very tough pill to swallow. I always taught that Men and Women are equal in their emotional responses, you see all those movies where the man and woman end up happily ever after, even if she left him et-cetra.

The way she was talking to me, like I'm just one of her orbiters - started giving me advice and telling me that I will find that one girl - really made me realize she's over me. I had to cut her short and tell her I don't take advice from women.

It's really not her fault...most if not all women are like this and I just need to learn to accept that I can never have independent love.
I need to stop giving sex such emphasis and make a big deal out of it.

Maybe I sound like a total AFC and old fashioned but for me sex used to be very special, something that two partners share and nobody is allowed inside.
That mindset is now destroyed; I woke up drowning inside the pool of filth I allowed myself to lie down in.
My mind understands it but I still haven't processed it yet -SEX IS NO BIG DEAL.

My next girlfriend will most likely not be a virgin anyway so I must deal with all the jealousy and insecurities I have.

 

[yoyoing]

I know exactly what you mean. Problem with those witches is that you will never get proper closure. They will blame it all on you and you will be sinking in guilt and regrets. They will make you think you are at fault while they move on to the next guy fast.

One more thing. Those girls know how to make you act weak and dependent on them. They are so needy and clingy in the initial seduction phase that you let your guard down and start becoming AFC and that's when they cut your ball off.

Mine was always commenting on how much of a man I was. How she liked the way I moved talked etc ... The idealization lasted for more then a year.

When they realize your human or developing feeling for them they will loose interest like a 4 year old watching a baseball game.

Trust me my game was pretty tight. And at one point I was sick . Almost loosing my business. I needed her. She ran away painting me black to everyone around her.

She tried to Hoover me 5 week post break up after I went strict NC on her. When I said yes to give it a shot. She looked at me in the eye and told me she was not sure but needed to ask her friend opinion. Then I got teary in front of her.

She was ****ing me up a second time. I could see the grin of victory on her face.

Be gone and stay gone. Forget that girl .
Never go back there.

I will never let myself be so vulnerable with a girl again.
I am 9 months out , have a new GF. But I still think about that crap a lot.

Good luck .
You maintained a strong frame post break up. Never loose that frame .

 

[tripod23]

cerwin.....listen mate you will never get the result you want.....seriously trust in what i am saying...........there is nothing worth speaking about ,,,,i know how hard it is but you will get hurt even more if you try to stays in contact with her..........

just walk away and get on with your life......what goes around comes around .... women like this are seriously sick.....problem is they dont realise they are ill.......

good luck mate

 

[sylvester the cat]

1) BPD's don't 'lose feelings' for anyone. They never had any to begin with.
2) You don't get closure with a BPD. 'Closure' to them means attention. Better off just deleting them from your life - that's the only way you will get real closure.

 

[Imdonswanson]

They don't give you closure because that would mean wholeheartedly admitting their flaws and their wrong doing. Something they're not capable of at all, they don't have the emotional maturity for that. In addition, it scares the sh1t out of them to look within and face their demons, they just won't do it.

Best advice I ca give you as someone who was in your shoes last year, is no contact at all. Forget the good times, it wasn't real. Better yourself, the best closure you can get is when you start doing better.

 

[christoff522]

All the classical traits of BPD are there:
long cold shoulder episodes followed by short warmth episodes
girl always surrounds herself with men (some sort of a vibe or something)
me feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time
her manipulating me into breaking contact with most of my friends
lack of friends and bad relationship with friends
extreme love-hate relationship with parents
extreme emotional highs and lows
extreme emasculation in front of my friends and in when we were alone
extreme jealousy (it was kinda cute in a way)
violence and disrespect towards me
high clingyness and neediness at the beginning
profanity towards me
breaking up over every silly thing
extreme withdrawal process etc.

We broke up because she lost her feelings for me, then I went for a full-blown NC right away; today it's a little over 3 months post break up.
She lost her feelings for me because I became a wimp and she allowed herself to emotionally cheat on me with another guy, and later on get into a relationship with him.

I broke no contact two days ago (after 90 days) thinking I can get her to be my fvck buddy (and turn her boyfriend into a cuckold provider) but I figured I'm still very addicted to this girl, so I canceled at the last minute (she was literally parking her car near my house when I told her we can't meet).
She was all flirtatious and didn't even mention the ex, was really nice and friendly, quickly agreed on the meet up; I guess she sensed an easy opportunity to suck me back in.

So what's driving me mad?
I can't seem to get closure. I can already expect everything that will happen:
Me: It's your fault for cheating on me
Her: ~Deny everything~ it was all innocent, I didn't even want him
Me: Is that why you got into a relationship with him?
Her: We were broken up, you stopped talking to me
Me: You said you don't feel anything for me anymore, hence the breakup
Her: It was just a phase, a real man would stick to his woman even on hard times
etc etc etc..it will always be my fault.

The ex will never confess in wrongdoing, in her mind she's always right and everything she does is innocent.

I can't get back with this girl, she cheated on me; I don't know how many guys she's been with since the breakup (and I don't wish to know) and I just know she's toxic for me.

I only feel I need to make her know she hurt me, she cheated and lied, she's not the angel she thinks she is and this was all HER FAULT.

Anyone had a similar experience with their BPD ex? Closure?

Just lose your **** with her, go crazy, tell her everything you feel whilst ignoring everything she says then block her number. Thats what I did.

 

[yoyoing]

sylvester the cat
Master Don Juan

Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 918

1) BPD's don't 'lose feelings' for anyone. They never had any to begin with.
2) You don't get closure with a BPD. 'Closure' to them means attention. Better off just deleting them from your life - that's the only way you will get real closure.

Not all bdp are sociopath. Altough they experience very superficial emotions they still have feelings ( or they think they do )

 

[Cerwin Vega]

We talked on the phone.
The conversation was not bad, she sounded very open and honest.
They were on a vacation. She told me they had sex.
She told me he was way better than me (not in a bragging way), "I didn't know women can orgasm 10 times straight", made my stomach turn and thinking of it still makes it twist and turn
She also told me he's smaller than me so it kinda made me laugh

We talked a bit about feelings, I told her we won't be able to get back together, she agreed that she cheated on me emotionally, but she never did anything physical behind my back. She said she is sorry for the pain she caused me.
It seems like she's kinda over me.

I told her it's a big pill to swallow all at once and I told her good luck but I don't think we can continue talking. she said ok and we hung up.
Deleted her off everywhere for the last time. I got my closure, she's no longer pure. She's no longer mine. She's desecrated.

I didn't sound needy, I suppressed my emotions but I told her I'm hurt.

One thing I can't understand is, how can a person be "so much better" in sex? I mean, I could last for an hour and **** her hard till she got sore, switch positions, go down on her for hours not to mention she said I'm bigger so WHAT THE ****?

Anyway I am totally wrecked after that conversation, my whole world has collapsed on me and I just want to bury myself. Words cannot describe the amount of agony and hopelessness I am feeling right now. No, I will not kill myself, use drugs or alcohol. I just want to wake up happy and forget it all happened.

Please don't try to make me feel better by telling me she's lying, I prefer total brutality more than sweet dreams.

 

[yoyoing]

Yes should have stayed NC ...
Wtf was that conversation all about. No closure only pain.

 

[yoyoing]

Yeah exactly .

Man who would say something like that to someone they just dumped.
It lacks class and respect. There is no point other then to make you feel small and worthless.
Date higher quality women.
**** that ***** . Forget about her .

 

[jay07]

I'll take a stab at it..

as someone who was in your exact situation, and has to see his ex because of mutual friends, you will never get closure.

I was the same as you, all I wanted was for her to be like " you kno what dude, I messed up, I did some scrappy things you didn't deserve and for that I'm sorry"

The closest thing you'll get is a half asked apology. she might even say sorry but it will be followed by an dxcuse. in my exes case, being drunk is a legit excuse to cheat apparently.

you can easily make her a fb... at first. let me tell you where this road leads with bpd exes..

at first it's easy. but she will act afterwards like nothing happened unless you two are alone. which will piss you off more because of your ego.

Then after awhile she will cut you off from even banging her. shell make out and tease you but she will not go through with it and you will start getting even more mad.

going a year without sex is better than banging it out again trust me. you don't win with them ever. EVER.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

I'll respond in redMan up. FFS, she is a fvcking nutjob who is just trying to hurt you. Nothing more and nothing less. In the end who cares? The main thing is, SHE IS NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM.



THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TRY AND GET CLOSURE WITH THESE NUTJOBS, LIKE I HAVE TOLD YOU ALL ALONG.

We were both virgins.
What she said last night simply shattered me.
I told her I cannot accept her. She said she can't accept me either.
"I can't accept you because I already did things that mean we can't go back" - they had sex. My babe is not mine anymore. SHE HAS MOVED ON.
She didn't volunteer the information, I was the one to ask who's better.
"You can't compare yourself to him...he's much older than you and much more experienced"
It smashed my brittle ego. The shards hit my self image and smashed it too.
She did well. She didn't give me any false hopes and was rather emotionless during the whole conversation. She was honest, but apparently the truth hit me harder than a ton of bricks.
I can honestly say I am at the lowest point of my life at the moment.

I slept about 1 hour straight at night, woke up at 5:00am and went for a walk outside. It helped.

All I can say is that most of the bad things this woman has done to me are a direct result of my behavior - i.e me being too clingy, me not reacting appropriately when she was testing me etc.

This is closure for me. I never meant to get back with her, but I sure was hoping for it to happen. I honestly didn't know if she still wants me but now I am 100% positive that it ain't gonna happen.

It hurts so bad. It's the worst pain I ever had in my life; I have a herniated disc and I ruptured my calf muscle so I know what real pain feels like.
Words cannot describe what I'm going through right now. It can't be possible that all people go through this without jumping off a cliff or shooting themselves in the head.

I need to start moving on with my life.
I want to make a big change. It's kinda hard when you are already at your top workout routine (x5 times a week) and eating healthy.

 

[sylvester the cat]

like fvck she's moved on. if she'd moved on that conversation would never had taken place. you need to take a step back and see this situation for what it is which means NO CONTACT.

right now you can't see the wood for the trees.

 

[Twodogs]

OP, I busted up with mine about the same time you did and against all advice I went looking for closure a couple of weeks back.
Bad move, but it gave me closure in a way because she was practically emotionless and immediately started turning the tables with her crazy making crap about how it was all my fault for giving up on her.
I listened to that for about 2mins then walked.
It confirmed for me just how quick they get over someone and that they won't accept any responsibility.
She once told me that an ex she was with descended into alcoholism and tried to kill himself. I wondered at the time how a man could do that with such a sweet loving girl by his side. Then I started to see the dark side and it became clear.
I've got no doubt that women like this can completely destroy a man who keeps going back. Stay away mate and time will heal.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

It's a very tough pill to swallow. I always taught that Men and Women are equal in their emotional responses, you see all those movies where the man and woman end up happily ever after, even if she left him et-cetra.

The way she was talking to me, like I'm just one of her orbiters - started giving me advice and telling me that I will find that one girl - really made me realize she's over me. I had to cut her short and tell her I don't take advice from women.

It's really not her fault...most if not all women are like this and I just need to learn to accept that I can never have independent love.
I need to stop giving sex such emphasis and make a big deal out of it.

Maybe I sound like a total AFC and old fashioned but for me sex used to be very special, something that two partners share and nobody is allowed inside.
That mindset is now destroyed; I woke up drowning inside the pool of filth I allowed myself to lie down in.
My mind understands it but I still haven't processed it yet -SEX IS NO BIG DEAL.

My next girlfriend will most likely not be a virgin anyway so I must deal with all the jealousy and insecurities I have.

 

[hudpes]

I only feel I need to make her know she hurt me, she cheated and lied, she's not the angel she thinks she is and this was all HER FAULT.

I'm sure you know this is pointless. This will not help you further. You know what you are and now you know what she is, this is the closure. Don't look back.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

I'm sure you know this is pointless. This will not help you further. You know what you are and now you know what she is, this is the closure. Don't look back.

Too late brother, but there were a few kicks to the balls I had to take in order to get to ground zero.

 

[Twodogs]

It's really not her fault...most if not all women are like this and I just need to learn to accept that I can never have independent love.
I need to stop giving sex such emphasis and make a big deal out of it.

Maybe I sound like a total AFC and old fashioned but for me sex used to be very special, something that two partners share and nobody is allowed inside.
That mindset is now destroyed; I woke up drowning inside the pool of filth I allowed myself to lie down in.
My mind understands it but I still haven't processed it yet -SEX IS NO BIG DEAL.

My next girlfriend will most likely not be a virgin anyway so I must deal with all the jealousy and insecurities I have.

No CVF, they're not all like this, you were just unlucky and ended up with a bad one.
I was lucky throughout my twenties, I only had a couple of RS's but all were with good women that have now settled down and made good wives.
I let the last one go because she wanted kids and I wasn't keen at the time.

That's why I never really worried about letting them go, I had no experience with bad ones until I started dating the 30+ age group.
Even then most of them weren't too bad when compared to the BPD chick, I had no idea there were women out there quite that fvcked up.

All I'm trying to say is don't become too bitter towards them all, look out for red flags and know your boundaries.
There's heaps of great advice here but not all of it should be taken on board, just take away the bits that work for you and your values.
I know what you mean about "sex being special" it was for me too when I was younger and I don't care what anyone says but it will be special for a quality woman too. That's nothing to be ashamed of if that's how you feel.

You're probably right about not finding a virgin but you can help yourself by not asking questions if you might not like the answers.

Peace bro, I wish you well on your recovery.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Thanks brothers, I need to stop recycling the sh!t that she told me because I honestly can't even sleep, think or eat without imagining her having "10 orgasms straight" with that guy and every time feels like a tiny heart attack.

Oh well, I brought it on myself, but at least now I am totally disgusted and I reached my lowest point so from here it only goes up.

 

[johnywhite17]

Thanks brothers, I need to stop recycling the sh!t that she told me because I honestly can't even sleep, think or eat without imagining her having "10 orgasms straight" with that guy and every time feels like a tiny heart attack.

Oh well, I brought it on myself, but at least now I am totally disgusted and I reached my lowest point so from here it only goes up.

Bro I have been there. Imagination sucks huh? This is what you're going to do, realize that it was a good thing that she told you this. You know why? Because it shows her true nature, not only as a slut but as a ruthless, cold hearted *****. The girl you thought you knew doesn't exist, as I gaurentee she would never do that or relaty that information back to you. By showing her true self she saved you months of wanting, planning, and failing to get her back. She wasn't who you thought so you need to be glad this didn't come to the surface after you had children or married or anything, you dodged a bullet. When you get that through your head things will be much less painful, I promise.