Closing in on girl with BF

[becker]

Everytime I run into a problem with women, it's always the BF thing getting in the way. If they're single, I tend to have a much easier time (obviously) but at the same time, it's usually with girls that I'm not interested in.

Anyways, there's a girl who I'm getting closer to and I'm breaking down the walls a lot, and the conversation is getting much better. However, I'm not looking to date a girl with a BF, since, of course we all have argued the point that if she cheats on him, she's going to cheat on you. What I need to do is to break up the relationships (I know, I seem like I'm being totally unorthodox here, but who cares). This one girl I know is absolutely perfect for me, and even though I know others, she fits in my mold for the perfect girl (no, it's not one-itis here, since there are other girls in the picture, but I compare them all to each other).

I called this girl today, had a great convo, and invited her out today. She was busy, but suggested doing something else on another day. Her BF apparently planned a vacation for them this coming week, but when I asked her about the vacation, she didn't mention him even though I tried to get her to, just to see if she would do the whole "my BF" thing, which would show that she is into her relationship. I also spoke to her mom a little, and got a good response. Anyways, have any of you had these problems with girls with BFs? I keep running into this stupid problem over and over, and these girls really have BFs. Perhaps I'm shooting too high since all hot girls have BFs, and it's a rarity when you find one that doesn't, but then again, these girls with BFs seem interested but just scared to do anything (which is fine, since they shouldn't when they're involved) since they don't blow me off either by giving me the "I'm taken" bit to block any of my advances.

 

[dionysius_d]

You are heading for drama and pain.

What attracts you to a girl who's got a BF, and is trying to part-time schedule you in after her BF's vacation etc. ???

I don't get it.

As for trying to poison the relationship, that usually backfires..

Another point, not every HB has a BF.

 

[becker]

I know what you mean, believe me, I've gone through a good share of girls with BFs and it certainly sucks, but it's so common that I feel you need to just look beyond the BF sometimes unless they're engaged or are about to get married and things are very serious and she makes it blatantly clear that she's not interested at all in you and would rather be with her BF than you. Girls sometimes show that they need to do stuff with their BF because it's their BF, but they'd rather do stuff with you. For example, I know that this trip was planned like 6 months ago, and this girl said she took no part in planning it, and is almost just going along for the heck of it, rather than showing that she's totally excited about doing it.

However, that's why I'm saying that it's a rare time when a girl that I like doesn't have a BF these days. Even though there are probably some available, it just takes too much time to go out and meet or find them, and if you have found someone with qualities that you're looking for and there's attraction between you and the only thing standing between anything happening is a BF, then I have to say I'm going to just treat her like she's single and if it wasn't meant to be, I'll just have to move on. But, if there's a blatant rejection, which I haven't gotten, I'll keep up the pursuits on the side.

 

[flexion_]

I hear ya Becker - you need to stir up the pot a bit I think - get a couple new friends or interests expose yourself to different sets of people.

The girl with the BF thingy does always lead to drama a pain - been there myself...

 

[becker]

That's why you can't get too tied to one girl, but definitely don't give up completely just because she's involved...until she gets married, then she's really off limits.

 

[BGMan]

Hey Becker,

Yeah I can totally relate. I seem to be in the same boat as you, actually. The girl in my case seemed very interested in me but also reluctant to do anything with me. I figured I needed to "loosen her teeth a bit", if you know what I mean, so I LJBF'ed her and had nothing to do with her for the whole spring semester (Ronin's Ganji Games, in other words). She didn't like that one bit (hehe), but I learned from a third party that she has a BF -- some tall, blond, handsome, smooth-talking air force dude.

Anyway, she took a summer astronomy class that I was also taking (I don't know if my telling some friends that I was taking the class got around to her or not!), and then started chasing me big time, even though I would do girl games such as not wanting to meet because I was "too tired" (double hehe) or "forgetting" to meet with her. She also now gets REALLY annoyed when I talk to other women (triple hehe).

On our last date (fourth this summer), she started talking about things that suggested she was getting ready to be more intimate with me, and we even did some serious fooling around -- no making out, though. She backed off after that, but I backed off even more, and now she's coming back at me. Also, during our last date, she asked me what my birthday was (it's in September), and wrote it in her private book. She also admitted to me that she had kept my phone number there for two years, and now has it memorized.

So I think the strategy of approaching when she seems hungry for you, and then backing way off when she plays games, seems to be working in this case. And if it doesn't work, no big deal; I'll be moving next year.

Anyway, my policy is to stay away from girls who TELL YOU they have BFs, whether directly or by saying "My boyfriend..." in your presence. This girl never did that, so she's not covered under my rule. This type of girl, who has a BF but doesn't tell you she does, is undoubtedly harder to get than a single chick, but I also feel that in this case, if she does ultimately choose me (a DJ) over Mr. Luftwaffe (a good-looking AFC who's held onto her purely because he IS so good-looking), then it will be awful hard for her to find someone even better.

BGMan

 

[HappyHobo]

Becker - "I also spoke to her mom a little, and got a good response. "

So you spoke to her and her mom on the phone?

How does that work?

Are you good friends with her mom or something because you dont just call up some girl and ask to talk to her mom.

 

[BGMan]

Originally posted by HappyHobo
Becker - "I also spoke to her mom a little, and got a good response. "

So you spoke to her and her mom on the phone?

How does that work?

Are you good friends with her mom or something because you dont just call up some girl and ask to talk to her mom.

My idea is to not talk to the mom unless she introduces you. After all, one definition of AFC is "the guy I'd be glad to introduce to my mommy and daddy". In my case, I never talk to the girl's mom (or stepdad), even though I have had plenty of chances.

BGMan

 

[becker]

BGMan, your situation seems to weigh very heavily in your favor as opposed to mine. This girl that I'm talking about is very shy, and I think would never call me because of that (she told me stories of how she would be so shy about calling people on the phone). Anyways, if you call her, it guess that gets it over the hump.

She would mention her BF to me and say they did this or that, but mentioned it less and less as she got to know me better. For example, she said that she's going on vacation, and said she can do something when she gets back, but didn't mention her BF or anything. She never seems to talk to me much about her relationship beyond saying that they went to dinner or something. I don't know, it seems like she's interested in me, but she's one of those girls who would never do anything to jeopardize her relationship unless she is absolutely sure that I would want her, but at the same time, I won't make a move until she gets out of the relationship. The famous double-edged sword I guess.

 

[becker]

Originally posted by BGMan
My idea is to not talk to the mom unless she introduces you. After all, one definition of AFC is "the guy I'd be glad to introduce to my mommy and daddy". In my case, I never talk to the girl's mom (or stepdad), even though I have had plenty of chances.

BGMan

Yeah, she introduced me to her parents, and when I call her, it's always her mom or dad that answers the phone. I guess it's hard to say "Hi, may I speak to 'X'", knowing it's her parents that you've met that you're talking to, and not at least fit in some small talk.

HappyHobo- I definitely don't call to talk to her mom, that would probably be weird even if I did know them better. Her mom is the one that initiated conversation with me. As I said, I think she talks about me to her parents, and wanted to take home some pictures of me to show them one time.

 

[BGMan]

Originally posted by becker
BGMan, your situation seems to weigh very heavily in your favor as opposed to mine. This girl that I'm talking about is very shy, and I think would never call me because of that (she told me stories of how she would be so shy about calling people on the phone). Anyways, if you call her, it guess that gets it over the hump.

Yeah, well, I thought this girl was shy too, and so did quite a few other people, until she started chasing me! I'm living with my parents until I graduate from college next year, and so she has been forced to talk to my parents while I'm off somewhere. But she seems willing to take that risk.

Originally posted by becker
I don't know, it seems like she's interested in me, but she's one of those girls who would never do anything to jeopardize her relationship unless she is absolutely sure that I would want her, but at the same time, I won't make a move until she gets out of the relationship. The famous double-edged sword I guess.

You said you think she would never do anything to jeopardize her relationship unless she was absolutely sure that you want her, but Doc Love says it actually works that she would never do anything to the relationship until she was absolutely sure that SHE wanted YOU. And that's the way that I'm deciding to operate. If she decides she definitely wants me more than the other guy, she'll go further down the path that she has gone so far along already, all the way to the end.

And as I said before, if you withdraw from her, she'll find you intriguing and want you more. This has certainly been true in my case. Maybe withdrawal should be added to your arsenal.

BGMan

 

[becker]

Withdrawal is always a good option I've found, but this girl is different. She's never called me before, and I don't think she will, even if she were extremely interested. I know for sure that's the way she is. She would rather miss out on a good thing than to pursue it. I've been in that position before, like in high school, when it was so hard to call a girl up, and in the end, you just say screw it, it's too difficult. I can imagine that it's even harder for a shy girl given that girls in general expect the man to make the move rather than do it themselves.

The only exceptions are for extremely aggressive outgoing women, who I've also had experiences with. They will call you up without any hesitation, and it's great if you're interested in them, but if you're not, it's not such a great situation.

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by BGMan
My idea is to not talk to the mom unless she introduces you. After all, one definition of AFC is "the guy I'd be glad to introduce to my mommy and daddy". In my case, I never talk to the girl's mom (or stepdad), even though I have had plenty of chances.

BGMan

Ummmmmmm no, I think you are getting a DJ mistaken with a bad a*s wanna be. If you are a DJ your girlfriend will be DYING to introduce you to her mommy and daddy.

 

[CLOONEY]

Oh yeah, and stay away from girls with BF's, u will probably end up getting your teeth knocked in, and seriously I used to think the same as you, that all babes have BF's but now I have been out meeting MANY MANY more I have found that there are probably MORE babes without boyfriends than average girls, as they seem to be soooooo picky. So if you can live upto their standards you have a good chance of pulling many single HB's.

 

[BGMan]

Originally posted by CLOONEY
Oh yeah, and stay away from girls with BF's, u will probably end up getting your teeth knocked in, and seriously I used to think the same as you, that all babes have BF's but now I have been out meeting MANY MANY more I have found that there are probably MORE babes without boyfriends than average girls, as they seem to be soooooo picky. So if you can live upto their standards you have a good chance of pulling many single HB's.

Yeah, well, Clooney, that may be true where you live, but here at this college, which is 60% male, you do what you gotta. (Example: You know the sex ratio sucks when... the ballroom dancing class has more guys than girls!)

And Becker, did you read my last post? This girl didn't call me ever before, until this summer. Don't be afraid to withdraw! Actually, how I did it was I LJBF'ed her, then acted C&F around her. She got quite pouty.

BGMan

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by BGMan
Yeah, well, Clooney, that may be true where you live, but here at this college, which is 60% male, you do what you gotta. (Example: You know the sex ratio sucks when... the ballroom dancing class has more guys than girls!)

And Becker, did you read my last post? This girl didn't call me ever before, until this summer. Don't be afraid to withdraw! Actually, how I did it was I LJBF'ed her, then acted C&F around her. She got quite pouty.

BGMan

yeah man, that is a bit of bad luck, although stop thinking about a numbers game, just choose a chick you think is attractive and then work it, most of those guys have NO IDEA what they are doing when it comes to woman. Although if the BALLROOM DANCING CLASS HAS MORE GUYS THAN GIRLS, either there are a LOT of gays at your school, or just a LOT of guys. Either way, I am sure there are other girls in your city other than the ones at your school, no??

Take it easy

 

[BGMan]

Actually, gay men have struck up conversations with me a couple of times ( ), but I don't think there's that many here. And no, this is a small city, so all the girls who aren't in college are either high school girls or fundies (that's my rather disparaging term for religious protestants, even if they're not technically fundamentalists).

And this chick who unfortunately has a BF is the only one so far whom I have clicked with. And I see quite a few attractive ones around, but they all tell me they have BF's either when I ask for their # or call them asking for a date, or otherwise make excuses. This chick made excuses too, but as I said before, I could sense that she was very attracted to me, and the Ganji Games I did knocked her loose, at least most of the way.

BGMan

 

[becker]

Originally posted by BGMan
Yeah, well, Clooney, that may be true where you live, but here at this college, which is 60% male, you do what you gotta. (Example: You know the sex ratio sucks when... the ballroom dancing class has more guys than girls!)

And Becker, did you read my last post? This girl didn't call me ever before, until this summer. Don't be afraid to withdraw! Actually, how I did it was I LJBF'ed her, then acted C&F around her. She got quite pouty.

BGMan

Here's the problem, if I don't call her, I won't see her ever again, since we're out of school and the only way to see her is to set up a meeting, thus leaving me in the position of having to call her.

 

[BGMan]

Originally posted by becker
Here's the problem, if I don't call her, I won't see her ever again, since we're out of school and the only way to see her is to set up a meeting, thus leaving me in the position of having to call her.

All right, I see what you mean. Oh well. Does she have YOUR number? If she doesn't, don't give it to her, but go ahead and try to set up a date in several weeks (give her a chance to miss you).

BGMan

 

[becker]

Originally posted by BGMan
All right, I see what you mean. Oh well. Does she have YOUR number? If she doesn't, don't give it to her, but go ahead and try to set up a date in several weeks (give her a chance to miss you).

BGMan

Actually, she has my number, but again, I seriously don't see her calling me at all. I already agreed with her to do something when she gets back from vacation. Maybe we'll do something this Monday. We'll see.