Chronicle of my becoming a man

[Man_O'War]

Today's report

Woke up today in an exceptionally bad mood. I think I had some bad dreams. The mud is definitely being stirred up now.

Was majorly hung over from my medication this morning, could not function, so I did my e-mail and went to sleep on the couch for an hour. That recharged my batteries.

I take a small amount of an antidepressant at night (prescribed for my stomach, not for depression). Every once in a while I wake up totally hung over from it. The only antidote is a little more sleep.

Got dressed, and spent the rest of the day bringing Christmas gifts to my bigger customers. My girlfiend had sinus laser surgery today and I found out it went fine.

Her son brought her to the doctor and back, and after my last customer I went to her place to take care of her. All is well with her.

Attended an e-meeting tonight for potential new business using her computer. That went well as it holds some hope for some new business.

I'm afraid I didn't walk the treadmill today as I was racing around like a maniac. Tomorrow I intend to walk the treadmill and to lift again. Muscles today are just slightly sore, so I know I did the ideal amount last night.

Lessons learned today:
1) I must not blame myself for my medical condition. I must learn ways to work around my limitations.
2) I must take my pill earlier at night on a consistent basis. My ultimate goal is to live without the need for medication.
3) I realize that I am able to have compassion for others and am willing to sacrifice my time to take care of someone else.
4) I was able to push through my depressed state today and get done everything I could.

Well, thanks again to all who are rooting for me and encouraging me. I'll report back tomorrow.
Man O' War

 

[Man_O'War]

Captain Popular,

Thanks for the lengthy response - I appreciate the time. Your points are all well-recieved and I will be considering them all very carefully.

When you say, "Only a loser would say that", you are illustrating the very "Catch-22" I find myself in. If I think I'm a loser, then I am a loser. Even if that attitude was implanted as a child, as long as it's there I can do nothing but act like a loser. And that has always been my problem...I have never found a way to change that self-perception. I'm hoping that now I'm at a point where I can grab the bull by the horns and say, "Enough's enough! I will not live life like this anymore!". The question is, will I be able to maintain that attitude?

Only time will tell. I know for sure, though, that you guys are already helping me to take charge of this situation, and it's very much appreciated.
Man O' War

 

[Captain Popular]

When you say, "Only a loser would say that", you are illustrating the very "Catch-22" I find myself in. If I think I'm a loser, then I am a loser. Even if that attitude was implanted as a child, as long as it's there I can do nothing but act like a loser. And that has always been my problem...I have never found a way to change that self-perception. I'm hoping that now I'm at a point where I can grab the bull by the horns and say, "Enough's enough! I will not live life like this anymore!". The question is, will I be able to maintain that attitude?


Just do it *****...or ill find you and make you...no but really just make yourself and you will thank yourslef ten fold! you will look back and be like damn i WAS a loser, not anymore!!!

 

[dietzcoi]

Update, please

Dietzcoi

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Crossing the Abyss

Between knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it is a huge gulf - this is the Abyss - and this is what you have to cross. The Chinese have an old proverb that asks "when is the best time to plant a tree? 30 years ago. When is the next best time? Now."

If not now, then when? You've got a laundry list of problems to solve for yourself and in all honesty you know exactly how to solve them. The question isn't 'how', but 'when' will you do this. You've chosen now, so do it.

Your flaws are the result of years of apathy and habitual behavior. You don't need to analyze the source of these, you already know what they are. Don't go back to these sources, don't rewind the same song to hear it again. Remember this:

You will only get what you have gotten if you keep doing what you have done.

Do something different. You're begining in the right place - regular exercise. I would suggest you read Body for Life by Bill Philips and pay particular attention to the testimonials of the older guys in the introduction of the book. Do the 12 week program and you will transform physically and mentally. Physical well-being is the foundation of self-confidence. PM me with your mailing address and I'll buy the book for you, that's how certain I am of it.

 

[xsonik]

Man O War. Have you ever read Plato's Cave allegory? Please do. I am proud of you by the way.

 

[Maverick001]

Man_O'War,

The first steps are always the hardest and most painful. You`ll stumble, stub your toes, fall on your face and maybe even question why you`re doing this in the first place. This is true of anything that doesn`t come naturally but is desired.

Those first tentative steps will lead to more confident ones and before you know you`ll be off and running.

We`re all rooting for you. Keep on keeping on.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Socialreject]

I know how you feel...

You need to see PROOF that you are not a loser, before you will believe it. I needed the same thing. I've been there pretty much the same as you, although I've never had weight problems, I've had other cosmetic problems (skin and out of shape related). Everything else, the depression, the bad moods, the lack of confidence, bad self image, debt, littered apartment and lack of organisation... seems almost like you are describing me years ago . I'm also on meds for life due to chronic inflammation of my joints, so i know what it feels like having to take crappy meds with crappy side effects and how lack of an organised life can lead you to not taking them properly.

You can never stop doing what you are doing now. You will sit down nights making up excuses, why am i doing this, things will never change anyways, i just don't have that thing that those other guys do, I'm not smart enough, pretty enough etc. Some of the excuses will be VERY convincing because you will want to believe them. But don't, if you find yourself sitting down making excuses then recognize the situation and what you are doing and STOP it. Tell yourself, 'i am making excuses, this is normal but they are only excuses, it just means I'm doing well and changing my life'.

Also, do not push yourself TOO hard. You have to push yes, because if you don't you will not change, but always keep some level of compassion for yourself. Do not be all out ruthless with yourself because you might not be mentally strong enough to take that kind of pressure at this point. So keep that mind. If you really honestly need a break or are just dead tired from a hard days work then skip the exercise for once and realize you've earned the downtime. Don't make this into a habit, it's a break, not quitting and also if you do take a break do NOT beat yourself up over it. Review your day, decide if you've earned it and then either take it or not.

The point is not to burn yourself out, just to change for the better. Remember to take a holiday every once in a while, the majority of human beings on earth take holidays, so should you, it recharges the batteries. Once again, it's a break, not quitting. Breaks when you need them are good, breaks when you don't need them are bad. Learn to distinguish between the two.

Don't turn away from mental problems. They will not go away by ignoring them. Solve them, spend some time with them and analyze them. Although i can say that eating healthy and working out and improving self image can make a depressive state of mind go away just by doing that. Good self image comes from treating yourself good. Don't say I'm ugly, you say 'i could look better if i did this or that', then do it. Basically, never bring yourself down, always review yourself and action with a critical state of mind 'i could have done more then or then or i could have done this better etc' instead of 'i screwed this up or i wasted time'. Review your errors and then learn from them, always in a non self degrading, constructive manner. Think of talking to yourself as talking to a child that needs to learn. You don't tell a kid 'aww man you suck, you screwed up'. That doesn't help at all, instead you say 'you could have done this better by doing this/that'.

I think it's great that you are picking up the pieces and going for it. I assure you that very soon you will start taking pride in how much you've changed over a very short amount of time. Watch yourself grow and improve and take pride in it. Congratulate yourself on accomplishments.

 

[Maverick001]

Yes, the advice from Socialreject regarding the internal dialogue is solid.

It`s amazing how much we deride ourselves when it`s the inner voice that should be the most supportive. We`ll say things to belittle ourselves and our efforts in the most harsh manner; things that we would never say to anyone else, let alone a friend, brother, etc.

Keep the inner voice in check because he`s always the most severe critic.

Cheers,
Mav

 

[Man_O'War]

The Return of Man_O'War

I have returned. Where did I go? Who knows? I think I had to incubate all the great ideas in this thread and come back after making some changes and going through some experiences.

But first things first: I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate your concern, your great advice, and your encouragement. Even though these are simply words on a screen, I'm fully aware that there are real people behind these posts and it's obvious that we are a brotherhood of men who share the common goal of trying to better themselves.

I will post shortly about what has been happening and where I am going. I just wanted to let you all know how much I have appreciated your help.

Man_O'War

 

[Man_O'War]

Update

For the past few months, I have been making some pretty significant changes in my life, although these pale in the sight of "normalcy". However, it is all good stuff considering that I'm starting at the bottom of the barrel.

I have managed to improve my business by seeking out any and all opportunities for profit, and I'm happy to say I've made a significant dent in my debt. I learned for the first time in my life that I can actually accomplish something if I put in the effort. Don't 5-year-olds know this already, Man_O'War? Yes, but somewhere along the way I completely, utterly lost the ability to comprehend this. Sad, huh? Well, at least I'm relearning it now. When I tell you that I have lived most of my life thinking that I can't do anything at all, I'm not exagerating. Now that is changing, but very slowly.

I bought a Bowflex a couple of weeks ago and have started working out. I know that free weights are ideal, but I have some joint problems that become very aggravated with weights. The Bowflex has proven to be perfect and my joints are doing pretty well. I have lost 5 lbs. and I'm seeing some muscle. It's amazing how my physique is...after just one week of working out I go from a Homer Simpsonesque build to a triangular upper body. People have always remarked about the striking change after only 3 workouts.

I have made some good progress cleaning up my place, though a lot of it has been "behind the scenes" stuff like cleaning out drawers and closets. I have a long way to go. My place is clean but tends to be disorganized. Let me rephrase...Itend to be disorganized. I'll keep working it.

I have broken up with my girlfriend (more on that next post) who was really dragging me down and I have spent the past month realizing that I do not need a woman to make me happy. I have decided to work exclusively on becoming a better man and not worrying about sarging. I know that once I become comfortable with myself I will be able to address the female equation from a position of strength.

As you can see, I have made some improvement but I have a long, long way to go. Thanks again to all for the encouragement.

 

[Man_O'War]

Shaken, but not defeated

Today I find myself shaken to the core, but not defeated.

Things have recently completely deteriorated with my girlfriend of 3 years, as she became consumed with her sinus condition to the exclusion of all else. Long story short, we started fighting during every conversation and I found her utterly incapable of having a rational conversation. This was scary, because you can take that last statement literally. She had surgery a few weeks ago and vm's me saying maybe it would be better if we talked "after she healed from surgery". I was pissed about that but I respected her wishes, knowing it was over between us.

I got an e-mail last week saying we should get together "to talk about what has been happening with our relationship". Red Flag goes up here. I knew that this conversation would kill me with frustration, so I wrote back saying that I had no interest in having this conversation and that I have come to terms with the fact that I really lost her a long time ago. I felt very good that I handled it without wimping out, although of course I was sad, too.

Cut to today. She e-mailed me with a very accepting, almost nonchalant attitude talking about the return of some of her stuff and vice verse. It was obvious the breakup was a relief to her and she said how she wishes me the best, blah blah blah.

That really triggered something in my and I felt crushed as the whole weight of the breakup descended upon me. I truly felt like my heart had been ripped out because I thought of all the good times we had and all the good things about her. I totally lost it. I know the reader might not understand the true dynamic of the breakup as it is fairly complex, but I wrote all this just to state the following:

The bottom line is that I know I will survive this and eventually prosper. Even though I feel like crap today I know that it is just a feeling and it will dissipate. I can look back at my recent small successes and realize that I am making life better for myself.

I'm especially proud of the fact that I have been spending part of the weekends just going out and meeting people, male and female, and just making small-talk with them. Big stuff for me. I'm tired and probably rambling a bunch of nonsense, but I just wanted to tell you that I have been following your advice to the best of my ability and intend to continue until I become a true man of character.

 

[izza]

That sucks dude. Being broken up with hurts - it's all in your head (you realize that later, if you really work hard to get over it) - but at the time it hurts a lot.

The choice of whether or not you want to continue your path is yours. It sounds as though you've had some small but important successes so far. Best of luck,

Izza