Chillin with girls one on one

[originaldj]

Hey guys,

There is this girl I am somewhat interested in but she has a boyfriend. She texted me to chill at the beginning of the summer, and I gave a vague response, asking her if she was going to a party and when she said no I didn't offer another suggestion.

I guess some background is relevant here: I am someone who is fairly prone to oneitis and therefore am pretty guarded to make sure I don't get it again, thus I really don't want to get feelings for someone in a relationship which is why I haven't made an effort to see her.

Anyways she texted me again a week later and i gave pretty much the same vague response with the same end result, which was that I didn't see her. Another week went by and she texted me again. And again, I just asked her if she was going to an event that a bunch of mutual friends were going to and she once again said no but immediately asked for another suggestion of when we could hang out. I ended up just asking her if she wanted to grab some lunch and she said ya, so we are grabnbing some next Wednesday.

I was just wondering in your experience have girls ever been insistent in hanging out with you if they weren't attracted to you?

Also, since its relevant we knew each other for around a year now.

 

[Packers2010]

if she has a bf. i wouldn't bother man.

 

[originaldj]

Ya I know,
To be honest I am just chilling with her to see if she still has a boyfriend. I figured maybe on the off chance they broke up, I may have a chance. If she still has a boyfriend I will just drop her for the rest of summer.

I was just looking to get the question answered: Will girls try to chill one on one if they are not attracted to you?

The answer doesn't really have an effect on my course of action. Because even if she is interested and has a bf I will next her. But its more just for curiosity.

 

[Chamber36]

I think it's a NO.

I had a girl do that to me all the time aswell. Now i haven't seen her in months cuz her boyfriend hijacked her, because he couldnt take the pressure of her coming to see me each week. We were all mutual friends before.

So don't expect anything special to happen.

She's probably considering you, but it's a risk for her. She probably wouldn't leave her boyfriend.

I'd like to know more about these types of situations aswell. Because: Why do these girls hang out with guys besides their boyfriends?
It's like ordering a steak and then looking at a pizza.... I don't get it.

I kept it casual, we just smoked weed and watched movies nearly every week. I think i drove her crazy.

 

[PDubb75]

The answer doesn't really have an effect on my course of action. Because even if she is interested and has a bf I will next her. But its more just for curiosity.

Why?? If she is interested to the point of asking you to hang out so much, shes obviously not so set on her boyfriend. Why would you still next her?

I don't know if that is the case, I just don't see why you would next her in that situation. Usually, you next a girl with a boyfriend because that means she isn't interested in you.

I could understand that if she stays with her b/f despite her interest in you, but you aren't gonna know that until you hang out with her, gauge her interest, and see where it goes from there.

 

[PDubb75]

I'd like to know more about these types of situations aswell. Because: Why do these girls hang out with guys besides their boyfriends?
It's like ordering a steak and then looking at a pizza.... I don't get it.

Really? Sounds like you need to work on your self image. Maybe it's more that she ordered a pizza and then looking at a steak. Just because a girl has a boyfriend doesn't mean shes happy, or he's the guy she wants to be with. The fact she's looking should somewhat be a clue to that...

 

[Chamber36]

Really? Sounds like you need to work on your self image. Maybe it's more that she ordered a pizza and then looking at a steak. Just because a girl has a boyfriend doesn't mean shes happy, or he's the guy she wants to be with. The fact she's looking should somewhat be a clue to that...

Damn you are analytical. I'm just saying she's suddenly dissatisfied with what she ordered so she should have thought better before ordering.

ain't nothing wrong with pizza anyway.

 

[mahoney]

Will girls try to chill one on one if they are not attracted to you?

The answer doesn't really have an effect on my course of action. Because even if she is interested and has a bf I will next her. But its more just for curiosity.

depends on the girl, but sure why wouldn't she? I one-on-one with female friends i'm not attracted to. I really don't think all the girls i go out with alone are doing it because they're attracted to me. i have plenty of platonic female friends that i'm sure neither of us have any desire to turn into anything else

 

[user43770]

It sounds to me like she's doing what most women do, she's trying to set up a plan B. Women in happy relationships don't go out to lunch with random dudes. She's probably trying to judge your value to see if you're better than the chump she's currently with. Women are generally better at planning for the future than we are; they get fvcking intricate.

 

[mahoney]

Women in happy relationships don't go out to lunch with random dudes

Well she has known him a year so he's not necessarily random (although its unclear whether in this case 'known' means "get on well as friends", or "sees around campus every few weeks and says hi", which are two wildly different scenarios)

 

[user43770]

Well she has known him a year so he's not necessarily random (although its unclear whether in this case 'known' means "get on well as friends", or "sees around campus every few weeks and says hi", which are two wildly different scenarios)

From what I read, it sounds like she's been pursuing him. It doesn't sound like they're good friends who hang out all the time; it sounds like all of a sudden she's trying to hang out with him when her bf isn't around. Maybe she already considered him a plan B and is finally trying to cash in. Maybe she's one of those girls who can't stand being single, so she lines up her next bf before she leaves the current.

 

[mahoney]

From what I read, it sounds like she's been pursuing him. It doesn't sound like they're good friends who hang out all the time; it sounds like all of a sudden she's trying to hang out with him when her bf isn't around. Maybe she already considered him a plan B and is finally trying to cash in. Maybe she's one of those girls who can't stand being single, so she lines up her next bf before she leaves the current.

its a bit difficult to tell from the info given - we don't really know anything about how well they know each other during the past year, previous to this text message at beginning of summer

obviously you are right that they don't seem like good friends always hanging out, it was more to get at the idea that many girls do hang out one on one with dudes w no ulterior motives (and many dudes do the same with girls)

in a way, in this particular scenario, it probably doesn't matter too much and the OP shouldn't be overthinking any of this, dudes (esp on here) have a problem with wanting to know every single little thing rightaway instead of just going with the flow, having fun and just seeing what happens

 

[user43770]

obviously you are right that they don't seem like good friends always hanging out, it was more to get at the idea that many girls do hang out one on one with dudes w no ulterior motives (and many dudes do the same with girls)

You're right, but this type of behavior is never fully accepted from the significant other. Nobody likes it when their gf/bf is hanging out with the opposite sex. Everyone knows this, women and men alike. So when a girl goes out of her way to hang out 1 on 1 you have to suspect infidelity. I do, at least. And I would approach this female as such.

 

[user43770]

I've been in this scenario on a few occasions and they always wanted to fvck. I should say, though, that I've never tried to come off as a friend. I never gave any of these women the impression that I was a "friend." Original poster, it pretty much comes down to that. When you met this female, were you a nice guy? Did you introduce yourself as a safe guy that she could confide in? If so, she may genuinely want to hang out as friends. What do I know? I'm just some stranger on the internet.

 

[mahoney]

I've been in this scenario on a few occasions and they always wanted to fvck. I should say, though, that I've never tried to come off as a friend. I never gave any of these women the impression that I was a "friend." Original poster, it pretty much comes down to that. When you met this female were you a nice guy? Did you introduce yourself as a safe guy that she could confide in? If so, she may genuinely want to hang out as friends. What do I know? I'm just some stranger on the internet.

this is kind of interesting and gets to the nub of the problem about 'friends' and 'friendzone'

seriously, when you meet new friends what is it that makes you think, these people are going to be fun to hang out with and do stuff with? its never "i can confide in them!", its "these people are a big load of fun"

trying to position yourself as 'someone they confide in' is just a terrible idea, regardless of what you actually want. these dudes that think they get 'friendzoned' - they're not even friends! they're weasels trying to show how safe and lovely they are. but peoples ACTUAL friends aren't like that! they're fun, stupid, wrong, a laugh, easy. the 'person she can confide in', wtf, thats not an actual friend, thats a sounding board or a therapist

I never give anyone the impression i want to 'be a friend' like that, and i make a lot of friends both male and female, and the female friends some strictly platonic, some a little less so. i like them all as people and theyre fun to be with, i dont try to be their therapist tho

 

[mahoney]

You're right, but this type of behavior is never fully accepted from the significant other. Nobody likes it when their gf/bf is hanging out with the opposite sex. Everyone knows this, women and men alike. So when a girl goes out of her way to hang out 1 on 1 you have to suspect infidelity. I do, at least. And I would approach this female as such.

in general you may be right, but ive never had any problem with a gf hanging out with a male friend, and none of my gfs have ever had a problem with me hanging out with a female friend and i would find it unacceptable if they did have a problem with it

 

[IamJosan]

She's interested. Hang out with her, make your move. Just be fun and have a good time. I've 'stolen' girls from boyfriends before so I know what I'm talking about.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Yeah I've had girls that were really good old friends from high school do this with me time to time who had boyfriends. I'd say just go, catch up, and enjoy yourself with her. Why the hell not even if there's nothing sexual. If you actually enjoy her company go be social with her.

 

[Diaforetikos]

To get back to the OP question, yes, a girl will try to hang with someone, boyfriend or not. You act like she's dumb, like she doesn't know you like her. She knows. And if she doesn't, she's thought about it plenty.

She asks to hangout because either she is in a crappy relationship, is setting you up to be her next branch, or is an attention ***** who gets high off of feeling like other men want her. If she is the latter, which is just my gut feeling, watch out. She'll show signs of interest, just so she can get her attention fix.

I only say this because, you said you pulled your attention back. She was once use to your little signs of flattery, but when you take em away, women flip and do whatever it takes to get those signs back. So if you go on Wednesday, and she flakes, I warned you.

Not saying she will, but just a heads up... that's what she said.

 

[originaldj]

Hey guys,
Thanks for all the replies. I think that after reading your answers and just logically thinking it through in my own head, I believe that, like many of you said, I am pretty much plan B in her mind. I actually think I may be plan A and her current bf is plan B, but me and him have lots of mutual friends and I don't think its the smartest thing to try to break them up.
Anyways, I will definately see her on wednesday to find out if they are for sure together, and if they still are I will put no effort at all into seeing her for the rest of summer.