I don't know if I'm just having and existential meltdown or what, this death is only beginning to effect me, please read and respond. I can't talk about this with people I know because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I appreciate the honesty of anonymous people.
Recently my best friend from childhood died in a hit-and-run car accident. They caught the bastards, but I can't punish them myself so not much I can do but try to live on. I was asked by the family to speak at the funeral in front of over a hundred people and I didn't eat or sleep for a couple of days because I was so fvcked up from the death, and I "knew" I was going to bomb it and cry in front of hundreds of people, including hot girls from high school. With encouragement from friends, I summoned the courage to speak and everyone came up and told me how much they loved it after the eulogy. Some said they were sad already, but hearing my words brought them to tears. Scariest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it. Having a friend die can really change one's perspective on life.
Hearing the others take about my dead friend made me wonder what others would say about me when its my turn. My friend was brilliant and had potential to be ripped if he had just worked out, he had the aptitudes for greatness, he could have done any career he had chosen, but he never tried hard enough. For those close to him it was frustrating that he couldn't get beyond his parents divorce among other things, the economy, the twenty-something's professional-life angst, etc. I wondered how many would show up at my funeral. It brought a renewed since of urgency of getting my life in order, especially this DJ stuff because being a DJ is more than just memorizing pick up lines.
The ceremony was surreal, it was like a dream. I never felt so close and connected to other people, even people I disliked. I saw a lot of people from my past that day and I felt like I buried a lot of hatchets. Death makes everything else seem trivial. Before the death I was really bothered by a break up with a girlfriend and the break up was nasty.
Other than a couple of Facebook chats in which we had discussed the possibility of us meeting up to "break up in person" which I had been denied this summer, I had not spoken with this girl for a couple of months and she called me to tell me how sorry she was for my loss, despite our break up. Initially when she called me, I was pretty drunk and high and easily confused and said, "its weird talking to you." She freaked out and cried, "How can you talk about 'Us' when your best friend died?!" I tried to explain myself and then was like "screw it" and I hung up. The next night, before the funeral, I called her back because I didn't want her to think that I was sadder about our break up than my friend dying and talked and it was much better. She said her and her mom cried for an hour after hearing about it from someone else. I felt close to that whole family during the time the relationship happened. My mind was clearer and I talked about my speech the next day, how I was concerned about it but I was stepping up to do it anyway, my anger at the killers, how much the friend meant to me, etc. To my amazement, she seemed rather interested in me again, from the tone of her voice. I had been with her for over 2 years so I know what the voice sounds like. After that conversation I haven't spoken with her since and this was over a month ago.
At The Wake of my friend at his apartment, I noticed a very strange sight to me. Dudes and chicks from my high school who were once couples and who had since broken up were talking, getting along, and to myself I was thinking shouldn't these people be hating each other?!
In my zeal to be a big DJ guy, I wonder if I had burnt too many bridges to people. When I broke up with this girl, I unfriended a lot of her friends and people associated with her. I did this because I didn't want to be reminded of her or be tempted to talk to her. Now I think I am the idiot for doing that because I know I'll end up seeing these people somewhere, sometime. It could be at a bar when I'm trying to get new girls, or god forbid another funeral. Part of when someone does something bad all you can do is "be the bigger person."
Although I think entering into a relationship with this girl would be a bad idea, I often wonder I let my emotions make me do something stupid by breaking up with her so fast this summer after our fight. Maybe we could have been fvck buddies at least in the future?
Is it wussy to not want to be remembered as an ******* when my car blows up and I die? Is it wussy to want to have a good reputation to precede me, to make future girls want to hook up with me? I'm just really confused right now. If I could just find a job maybe I wouldn't have time to still wonder about the past. I feel like a ghost just wanting to make peace with the past so I can move on.
Recently my best friend from childhood died in a hit-and-run car accident. They caught the bastards, but I can't punish them myself so not much I can do but try to live on. I was asked by the family to speak at the funeral in front of over a hundred people and I didn't eat or sleep for a couple of days because I was so fvcked up from the death, and I "knew" I was going to bomb it and cry in front of hundreds of people, including hot girls from high school. With encouragement from friends, I summoned the courage to speak and everyone came up and told me how much they loved it after the eulogy. Some said they were sad already, but hearing my words brought them to tears. Scariest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it. Having a friend die can really change one's perspective on life.
Hearing the others take about my dead friend made me wonder what others would say about me when its my turn. My friend was brilliant and had potential to be ripped if he had just worked out, he had the aptitudes for greatness, he could have done any career he had chosen, but he never tried hard enough. For those close to him it was frustrating that he couldn't get beyond his parents divorce among other things, the economy, the twenty-something's professional-life angst, etc. I wondered how many would show up at my funeral. It brought a renewed since of urgency of getting my life in order, especially this DJ stuff because being a DJ is more than just memorizing pick up lines.
The ceremony was surreal, it was like a dream. I never felt so close and connected to other people, even people I disliked. I saw a lot of people from my past that day and I felt like I buried a lot of hatchets. Death makes everything else seem trivial. Before the death I was really bothered by a break up with a girlfriend and the break up was nasty.
Other than a couple of Facebook chats in which we had discussed the possibility of us meeting up to "break up in person" which I had been denied this summer, I had not spoken with this girl for a couple of months and she called me to tell me how sorry she was for my loss, despite our break up. Initially when she called me, I was pretty drunk and high and easily confused and said, "its weird talking to you." She freaked out and cried, "How can you talk about 'Us' when your best friend died?!" I tried to explain myself and then was like "screw it" and I hung up. The next night, before the funeral, I called her back because I didn't want her to think that I was sadder about our break up than my friend dying and talked and it was much better. She said her and her mom cried for an hour after hearing about it from someone else. I felt close to that whole family during the time the relationship happened. My mind was clearer and I talked about my speech the next day, how I was concerned about it but I was stepping up to do it anyway, my anger at the killers, how much the friend meant to me, etc. To my amazement, she seemed rather interested in me again, from the tone of her voice. I had been with her for over 2 years so I know what the voice sounds like. After that conversation I haven't spoken with her since and this was over a month ago.
At The Wake of my friend at his apartment, I noticed a very strange sight to me. Dudes and chicks from my high school who were once couples and who had since broken up were talking, getting along, and to myself I was thinking shouldn't these people be hating each other?!
In my zeal to be a big DJ guy, I wonder if I had burnt too many bridges to people. When I broke up with this girl, I unfriended a lot of her friends and people associated with her. I did this because I didn't want to be reminded of her or be tempted to talk to her. Now I think I am the idiot for doing that because I know I'll end up seeing these people somewhere, sometime. It could be at a bar when I'm trying to get new girls, or god forbid another funeral. Part of when someone does something bad all you can do is "be the bigger person."
Although I think entering into a relationship with this girl would be a bad idea, I often wonder I let my emotions make me do something stupid by breaking up with her so fast this summer after our fight. Maybe we could have been fvck buddies at least in the future?
Is it wussy to not want to be remembered as an ******* when my car blows up and I die? Is it wussy to want to have a good reputation to precede me, to make future girls want to hook up with me? I'm just really confused right now. If I could just find a job maybe I wouldn't have time to still wonder about the past. I feel like a ghost just wanting to make peace with the past so I can move on.
