Cheated on by a girl that I'm not even Official With

[j.619]

Would that even constitute cheating?

*This is long, bare with me, as I'm also using this thread as a vent session since this just happened last night*

It's been a while since I've posted. I had joined the dark side. Spinning plates was fun... amazing, even. End of 2013 was a good time for me in my life. I bettered myself in a lot of ways. Got a lot of my grown-up life together (purchased another house, big promotion at work, etc). Had major success meeting people, confidence was through the roof, had 2-3 plates at any given time.

I enjoyed all of the progress and success and I continue to enjoy it. Unfortunately, I got attached to one of my plates. I was duped into thinking that this woman was of very high quality. (those of you not familiar with what that looks like: she's young, attractive, takes direction well, very pleased by pleasing me, submissive, no history of being a slvt, undamaged, great at secks [the beejays were phenominal], extremely low maintenance, and generally very easy to get along with) Knowing women of that caliber quality is few and far between, I naturally spent more and more time with her. Other plates fell off as a result. Generally, getting attached isn't a problem for me. My approach with women is very hands-off when beginning a relationship. I work 40-50 hours a week, have many close friends, and do like going out on weekends, so my free time for dating is limited. I let plates know very early that I really only have 1-2 opportunities/week for dates and quality time.

After dating for 5 months or so, she began to ask 'what we are'. My answers were generally aloof and I let her know that I didn't quite have the time for a full-time commitment (which was true, I was going through the home-buying process, putting in big hours gunning for a promotion). At that point, she was already complaining about not seeing each other enough, but never showed any signs of being unhappy with our situation.

I've developed the ability to sniff out red flags pretty easily over the last few years. This girl literally had none. She checked-in with me daily, always called and let me know when she was going out and who with, had fits when I took too long to contact her back, and she's really busy with both work and school (i tend to like when women keep themselves busy, keeps them outta trouble).

One night after the 4th of July this year, I had just returned from a weekend camping trip with my friends and had a few residual bug bites. One on my neck. She saw it and immediately accused it of being a hickey. I, not being fond of false accusations, asked her politely to leave my house and didn't speak to her for ~2-3 days. Within that timeframe, she apparently had sex with some guy (no clue who he is or how she knows him) one night.

Fast forward to last night... we hung out for the first time this week. Dinner, came back for cuddles (boomboom time) and netflix. Everything was good as usual. She always falls asleep before I do, so i was laying there, watching SportsCenter, thinking.... I've never snooped in almost a year of dating. I'm not proud of what I did, but I grabbed her phone and scrolled through some things.

I know she doesn't have too many friends because: 1: she's a woman, and they lose friends like keys, 2: her busy schedule. Knowing this, everything I read was very uneventful. One of her friends is a known slvt, so figured if I find anything, it'd be in that text thread. There was a lot of her singing my praises, which was nice and almost made me put the phone down, but i continued and found ONE message at the very top from 2 months ago that said...

"I fvcked <mike> last night then smoked weed with <so & so> then went about my day blah blah blah"

Next message read...

"I feel so guilty, i got too drunk"

Her friend responded...

"about <my name>?"

Her response...

"yes"

Just about floored me. I'm feeling some anxiety as I type this and don't know how to approach the situation. I woke her up and asked her to leave because an emergency happened at work that needed me. I couldn't sleep next to her, I was pretty grossed out by my revelation. I couldn't sleep. Still have anxiety. I've ignored all of her messages since last night....

How should I proceed in a way that will preserve my dignity and will not make me look like an insecure fool? My only mistake was getting attached, which is more a risk than a mistake. I have no tolerance for lying. So unless she admits, is remorseful, and is willing to gain trust back, I will be cutting her outta my life on the spot permanently. If she does do the above things, we will still be terminating the relationship, but I will leave possible parole an option.

Yes, spinning plates cures oneitis, but I do have goals of being married & having kids someday. You can't get there without taking these kinds of risks. Please be subjective to my issue with your advice.

 

[jurry]

You are one of the most insecure people ive ever heard of. Some girl you are not even seeing exclusively fvcked some guy 2 months ago (felt bad about it) and you are going ape-shît over it?

1. You should never have looked through her phone.

2. You have serious trust issues that will be a liability in ANY relationship.

3. You sound well off, have good job, the things you need to live comfortably, etc. This girl is obviously really into you. Who gives a fvck about this? You know it happened, accept it or move on to a new girl. DO NOT bring it up to her.

 

[BraddH]

Tell her. Make her devastated and see if how she reacts. Whether she will be worthy of your apology or not. And just tell her straight you were curious about her life that's why you checked her phone.

 

[sylvester the cat]

this all depends on what boundaries you set for your 'arrangement' before the two of you got involved.

now. what boundaries did you set? did you set it out nice and clear, from the outset, that seeing other men despite not being official was unacceptable? if you did then it's bye-bye baby. if you did not. then that's a whole different story.

so. which was it?

 

[Tictac]

You are not 'official' and yet you are all bent out of shape that she did precisely what you do?

You are spinning plates but she is not allowed to do the same.

Wow.

You want red flags? Look in the mirror.

 

[GS750]

Well if you weren't official, and didn't agree to not see other people, then who she fvcks really isn't your business. And looking through the phone is definitely insecure behavior. I wouldn't expose the fact that you did that.

 

[pyros]

why the heck so many ppl here repeat over and over the thing about 'exclusivity'?? when you start to date a girl you're not signing a conctract.

It is common sense that if you're seriously dating someone and you care about her, you see each other almost everyday and so on, YOU DO NOT FUC-K OTHER PEOPLE, you dont need to have a conversation about it! you can have it, but after a few weeks, having sex and acting like a couple you do not , I repeat, you do not have sex with other people if you want this to be serious.

You do not need to sit and say: "hey, sign this ok? this way we agree that we're not gonna fu-ck other people ok? I'll bring my lawyer"

it seems they were dating three months when she decided to f-uck that other dude. I dont know how serious you were by then, but if you were, she's a damn sl-ut, and you should dump her. If, however, you were not that close and not seriously dating...well, in any case a woman that has sex with two men during the same period of time is a wh-ore in my opinion and not worth of a serious relationship.

 

[sylvester the cat]

why the heck so many ppl here repeat over and over the thing about 'exclusivity'?? when you start to date a girl you're not signing a conctract.

It is common sense that if you're seriously dating someone and you care about her, you see each other almost everyday and so on, YOU DO NOT FUC-K OTHER PEOPLE, you dont need to have a conversation about it! you can have it, but after a few weeks, having sex and acting like a couple you do not , I repeat, you do not have sex with other people if you want this to be serious.

You do not need to sit and say: "hey, sign this ok? this way we agree that we're not gonna fu-ck other people ok? I'll bring my lawyer"

it seems they were dating three months when she decided to f-uck that other dude. I dont know how serious you were by then, but if you were, she's a damn sl-ut, and you should dump her. If, however, you were not that close and not seriously dating...well, in any case a woman that has sex with two men during the same period of time is a wh-ore in my opinion and not worth of a serious relationship.

really? so you never tell your plates from the start that this is not exclusive until both parties agree to exclusivity? cos i do.

setting boundaries about what is and what isn't acceptable and being clear from the start saves a lot of trouble down the line.

 

[j.619]

I'm not here trying to defend my looking through that text message thread. I'm ashamed of it and it was definitely an insecure moment. I try to have as little of those as possible. Now, before I make any decisions, I came to this community that has helped me oh-so much in the last year for more help. The fact that I found this out by snooping almost makes it void... as far as a confrontation. I consider it like being interrogated without being told your Miranda Rights.

My frame was, and always is, don't see other people. She knows this, which is where the guilt comes from, i'm sure. Please be subjective and understand the situation. We were exclusively dating. At the time, I was not pursuing any other romantic ventures.

The story, honestly, is just some background for you folks. I just need advice on how to approach the situation. I have no intention of making any contact until she does, but then, obviously, I can't disclose that I looked through her phone. Thanks so far.

 

[pyros]

I dont get it, do you want to continue the relationship after what you saw? or not?

 

[sylvester the cat]

I just need advice on how to approach the situation. .

what is there to approach? you say you were exclusive and yet she slept with another man.

what is there to say to her?

even if you did give her another chance could you honestly say you wouldn't be looking over your shoulder?

 

[jurry]

Well youve already made it weird and shes going to wonder why you havent talked to her. I really dont know what to tell you.. Either you let it go or dump her. If you let it go I guess you just try and avoid bringing it up and continue on as before.. Doesnt seem like your style though from what I can gather.

Thats a mess anyway I can see.

I think im also unclear on the timeline here, it sounded as though you were not exclusive and had plates and she hooked up with someone else during that time. Or was this later on when it was implicit that you two were exclusive. Are you exclusive?? Lol

 

[hudpes]

You left the relationship undefined.Plates spin both directions. If cheating was a crime, she'd be acquitted.

Calm yourself, let the above sift through your mind for a while, you need to equate your plates with her one night stand. Move on from there, let her know you mean it with her, set a clear course, get official, exclusive or whatever you wanna call it, but call it and invest more time in her.

The other route, by telling her you went through her messages on her phone while she was asleep and found out that she had sex with some other guy, due to fairness you will also have to tell her about your "plates" a.k.a. you having sex with other women while you left the relationship with her undefined. You will have to tell her you went through her phone because she means alot to you and you made the mistake of being aloof regarding your relationship with her because of some reason of yours.

The former turns you inward, you have to deal with your demons and accept the situation. In the latter, you put yourself in a very weak position, not only are you blaming her for something you yourself have been doing while you two were dating, you also invaded her privacy and betrayed her trust. She would have to truly love you to eat that sh!it sandwich. So I suggest the first option, but for that you have to be a wolf, not a puppy, so which are you?

 

[j.619]

I dont get it, do you want to continue the relationship after what you saw? or not?

No. The relationship is done in my eyes

 

[j.619]

You left the relationship undefined.Plates spin both directions. If cheating was a crime, she'd be acquitted.

Calm yourself, let the above sift through your mind for a while, you need to equate your plates with her one night stand. Move on from there, let her know you mean it with her, set a clear course, get official, exclusive or whatever you wanna call it, but call it and invest more time in her.

The other route, by telling her you went through her messages on her phone while she was asleep and found out that she had sex with some other guy, due to fairness you will also have to tell her about your "plates" a.k.a. you having sex with other women while you left the relationship with her undefined. You will have to tell her you went through her phone because she means alot to you and you made the mistake of being aloof regarding your relationship with her because of some reason of yours.

The former turns you inward, you have to deal with your demons and accept the situation. In the latter, you put yourself in a very weak position, not only are you blaming her for something you yourself have been doing while you two were dating, you also invaded her privacy and betrayed her trust. She would have to truly love you to eat that sh!it sandwich. So I suggest the first option, but for that you have to be a wolf, not a puppy, so which are you?

Thank you for this.

It looks like I left the timeline ambiguous. For clarity, we started dating exclusively around May, without a discusssion or contract signing. The 'event' happened in early July, with me finding out last night.

 

[GS750]

No. The relationship is done in my eyes

Then you just have to figure out what your exit strategy is gonna be. You can't tell her you snooped the phone, you don't want to bring up the other guy, so you're gonna have to end it and not look back.

 

[Skyline]

Are you exclusive with this girl? No? If she was so "high quality" why didn't you agree to being exclusive with her back then? It seems like this girl is obsessed with you, literally. She thought, THOUGHT, you got a hicky and then she goes and fvcks another guy? Here are three red flags, in my book at least, that you over looked.

1. She doesn't have a lot of female friends.

2. One of her (only) friends is a KNOWN slvt.

3. The minute she doubt's you she goes to the extreme.

Unless she's just shy, those are red flags. Especially the third one. You shouldn't drop other plates because you like one more than the other, that's basically one-itis in the making. You should drop other plates when you're pefered one declares being exclusive and you accept. Unless you're willing to look passed this, because you aren't exclusive, then there's no issue here. But those red flags I listed are still there. Question is, do those con's out weigh the pros?

 

[The_411]

I'm not here trying to defend my looking through that text message thread. I'm ashamed of it and it was definitely an insecure moment. I try to have as little of those as possible. Now, before I make any decisions, I came to this community that has helped me oh-so much in the last year for more help. The fact that I found this out by snooping almost makes it void... as far as a confrontation. I consider it like being interrogated without being told your Miranda Rights.

My frame was, and always is, don't see other people. She knows this, which is where the guilt comes from, i'm sure. Please be subjective and understand the situation. We were exclusively dating. At the time, I was not pursuing any other romantic ventures.

The story, honestly, is just some background for you folks. I just need advice on how to approach the situation. I have no intention of making any contact until she does, but then, obviously, I can't disclose that I looked through her phone. Thanks so far.

As I've said once you snoop the relationship is effectively over. you no longer trust her and if she hasn't cheated she will because your body language will give you away.

Move on the next girl there's no future with this one because you'll always have it in the back of your mind she could be cheating.

Can't put the genie back in the bottle... can''t put the fizz back into the pop etc ...

 

[ELMER_GANTRY]

I wrote a thread about this topic a few years ago that insecure men will get upset over plates fu*king other men. I will repost that thread again in the forum for you to read.


This is a simple case of an insecure guy with not much experience trying to hold his fu*k buddy accountable for having sex with another guy when he was treating her as a girlfriend. He didn't establish any terms of the relationship, and even when she was asking what are we 5 months later, he was staying aloof trying not to be exclusive with her. When he found out she f*cked another guy he becomes insecure blaming her instead of himself for not making the terms known. If you have no intentions of being exclusive with a girl let her know and don't be upset when she has other guys. Girls aren't going to be happy without knowing excatly what the terms are and you should set those from the start. How can you accuse her of cheating or be upset when you refuse to be exclusive? You can't treat a plate like a girlfriend and not expect to become exclusive like you were doing. After time she is going to get upset and f*ck other men. Learn to screen women better because you dropped the ball with this one.

Would that even constitute cheating?

Not being exclusive does not constitute cheating. Sounds like you are very insecure with limited experience with women.

*This is long, bare with me, as I'm also using this thread as a vent session since this just happened last night*

It's been a while since I've posted. I had joined the dark side. Spinning plates was fun... amazing, even. End of 2013 was a good time for me in my life. I bettered myself in a lot of ways. Got a lot of my grown-up life together (purchased another house, big promotion at work, etc). Had major success meeting people, confidence was through the roof, had 2-3 plates at any given time.

Women will have plates besides you when you are not exclusive with her.


I enjoyed all of the progress and success and I continue to enjoy it. Unfortunately, I got attached to one of my plates. I was duped into thinking that this woman was of very high quality. (those of you not familiar with what that looks like: she's young, attractive, takes direction well, very pleased by pleasing me, submissive, no history of being a slvt, undamaged, great at secks [the beejays were phenominal], extremely low maintenance, and generally very easy to get along with) Knowing women of that caliber quality is few and far between, I naturally spent more and more time with her. Other plates fell off as a result. Generally, getting attached isn't a problem for me. My approach with women is very hands-off when beginning a relationship. I work 40-50 hours a week, have many close friends, and do like going out on weekends, so my free time for dating is limited. I let plates know very early that I really only have 1-2 opportunities/week for dates and quality time.


How are you going to know about her past history when you never even knew her in the past? If she is givng you phenominal blow jobs, she has expeerience in sucking on c*cks, that should tell you something about her having sexual experience.

After dating for 5 months or so, she began to ask 'what we are'. My answers were generally aloof and I let her know that I didn't quite have the time for a full-time commitment (which was true, I was going through the home-buying process, putting in big hours gunning for a promotion). At that point, she was already complaining about not seeing each other enough, but never showed any signs of being unhappy with our situation.

Women will ask guys this question way before the 5 month mark, you had 3 extra months to bang her being non exclusive without seting the terms. She finally wanted a relationship but you were being aloof putting it off. When she is complaining those are signs of being unhappy that you couldn't detect.

I've developed the ability to sniff out red flags pretty easily over the last few years. This girl literally had none. She checked-in with me daily, always called and let me know when she was going out and who with, had fits when I took too long to contact her back, and she's really busy with both work and school (i tend to like when women keep themselves busy, keeps them outta trouble).

Your sniffer is off because you missed the fact she was fu*king another guy, she is jealous, and that she gives great blow jobs. Her experience had to come from somewhere and didn't come from sucking your d*ck overnight.


One night after the 4th of July this year, I had just returned from a weekend camping trip with my friends and had a few residual bug bites. One on my neck. She saw it and immediately accused it of being a hickey. I, not being fond of false accusations, asked her politely to leave my house and didn't speak to her for ~2-3 days. Within that timeframe, she apparently had sex with some guy (no clue who he is or how she knows him) one night.

Here you miss her red flags of her being jealous and being unhapy with just a f*ck buddy relationship. Fighting with a FB is a very immature thing to do.


Fast forward to last night... we hung out for the first time this week. Dinner, came back for cuddles (boomboom time) and netflix. Everything was good as usual. She always falls asleep before I do, so i was laying there, watching SportsCenter, thinking.... I've never snooped in almost a year of dating. I'm not proud of what I did, but I grabbed her phone and scrolled through some things.

You are treating this girl as a girlfriend taking her out to dinners and snooping through her phone. Plates should not be given girlfriend type status like youi are doing.

I know she doesn't have too many friends because: 1: she's a woman, and they lose friends like keys, 2: her busy schedule. Knowing this, everything I read was very uneventful. One of her friends is a known slvt, so figured if I find anything, it'd be in that text thread. There was a lot of her singing my praises, which was nice and almost made me put the phone down, but i continued and found ONE message at the very top from 2 months ago that said...

"I fvcked <mike> last night then smoked weed with <so & so> then went about my day blah blah blah"

Next message read...

"I feel so guilty, i got too drunk"

Her friend responded...

"about <my name>?"

Her response...

"yes"

Just about floored me. I'm feeling some anxiety as I type this and don't know how to approach the situation. I woke her up and asked her to leave because an emergency happened at work that needed me. I couldn't sleep next to her, I was pretty grossed out by my revelation. I couldn't sleep. Still have anxiety. I've ignored all of her messages since last night....

You based everything about her only with assumptions without knowing who she really is. She is not you girlfriend so you shouldn't give a damn who she is fu*king besides you when you were f*cking other women.


How should I proceed in a way that will preserve my dignity and will not make me look like an insecure fool? My only mistake was getting attached, which is more a risk than a mistake. I have no tolerance for lying. So unless she admits, is remorseful, and is willing to gain trust back, I will be cutting her outta my life on the spot permanently. If she does do the above things, we will still be terminating the relationship, but I will leave possible parole an option.

You sound like a fool writing this thread when you already are insecure about a f*ck buddy. She is not your girlfriend, she doesn't have to report to you about who she is f*cking besides you. If she meant that much to you why didn't you make her your girlfriend instead of being aloof?

Yes, spinning plates cures oneitis, but I do have goals of being married & having kids someday. You can't get there without taking these kinds of risks. Please be subjective to my issue with your advice.

I love how all the people keep posting how they werent exclusive when he said they agreed to be exclusive two months before she cheated.

He mentioned nothing about them agreeing to be exclusive in this post, he only talks about her as a plate. Go read the thread again son to learn what you missed the first time.

Unfortunately, I got attached to one of my plates.

I naturally spent more and more time with her. Other plates fell off as a result.

I let plates know very early that I really only have 1-2 opportunities/week for dates and quality time.


After dating for 5 months or so, she began to ask 'what we are'. My answers were generally aloof and I let her know that I didn't quite have the time for a full-time commitment (which was true,

At that point, she was already complaining about not seeing each other enough, but never showed any signs of being unhappy with our situation.

 

[Thundernuts]

I love how all the people keep posting how they werent exclusive when he said they agreed to be exclusive two months before she cheated.

OP, I snooped back in my AFC days but thats history for me. If you ever get the inkling that something suspicious is going on then thats the beginning of the end as far as I'm concerned. A few years ago i tried to forgive a woman I knew cheated on me. Don't do it.

The hard part here is going to be keeping your frame post-breakup. You absolutely cannot let her know that you went through her phone because then the entire world will hear about it. If I were you I would just tell her it isnt going to work out. From there you can give her any b.s. that you deem best. After that your in the clear.

You already know deep down you don't want her. That's half the battle right there, I'm sorry I can't give more solid advice on this subject but when I was in your shoes I found out differently and I did not handle it well. Goodluck bro.