changing the focus to one?

[thirdtimescharm]

A few weeks ago, I was spinning plates pretty well. Then, after a particularly busy week with a FWB type visit, meeting someone new, and hanging with my male friends, I had a second date with someone who I met the week before through an online site. Since then, my desire to continue on the short term trend seems to have burned out. We had a second date which was better than the initial meeting. She invited me back to her condo and we had a very good time. At one point she said "My body has not felt this good in a long time." It was more than just the physical though, we shared some personal stuff, laughed a lot, and obviously the chemistry is very good.

Now, I've been in touch with her via text since then (she's busy with work/kid, and was out of town for a few days) and I called her on mothers day and left a VM (she has a 12 year old) but it has been 10 days since our last date. We've never spoken on the phone, which I suppose is part of the way people do things now. Too many communication forms available, I guess.

She never did call me back, but I did text her yesterday and she has responded...the texts have been short, flirty stuff (with some more today, but initiated by me). So I'm wondering why a) calling someone now seems like such a daunting task and b) is a text message saying "Hey. I want to see you again. When?" a good idea?

I've decided to cut back on my overall dating activity (I turned down an obvious booty call Saturday night, for example) due to financial and personal issues, but I really do want to give this thing a chance. I have not been serious about anyone for a long time (my divorce was final a little over three years ago) and while meeting people at this age is easy, meeting -quality- people is hard. And yes, I think she might be worth some effort.

 

[Zunder]

"My body has not felt this good in a long time."

Who the hell says that? Weird.

Seems like your chasing her and she knows it.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

"My body has not felt this good in a long time."

Who the hell says that? Weird.

Seems like your chasing her and she knows it.

What can I say? I got skills

I may be chasing, but considering it's all been flirty text and one short VM, I wouldn't say I've gone overboard.

 

[sharkbeat]

As long as you dont appear too needy. You only have one plate here, when that urge kicks in and she can't be there, you are f*ed.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Two dates and you've got ONEitis, not a good sign. If I'm getting this impression from your thread post, bet your ass she's already picked up on it too. Online dating, IMs, texting, email, social media, VM may seem like how it's done in the 21st century, but all it does is exacerbate the impression that a guy is desperate spread across multiple media. All it does is broadcast you optionless status on different channels.

Your main problem isn't that you're focusing on one woman, but rather you're focusing on her to the exclusion of all others. My guess is that you lack any other viable options. Two weeks and 2 dates = ONEitis. Mother's day VMs after 2 dates? C'mon maaaan,..

Too many guys get pangs of guilt for not "forsaking all others" while targeting a particular woman they're idealizing. Not to go all fortune cookie on you, but the Zen truth is that in order to get with your primary target you need to do the opposite; you need to even more actively spin multiple plates. Confidence is born from options. The confidence that comes from knowing you have other women interested in your attention, the confidence that is so supremely attractive to women, manifests itself in your demeanor in ways that women subconsciously attune themselves to. It's this ambient confidence that triggers imaginations of competing women for your attention in your target.

At this stage you've assumed the role of the woman. She is the one who is unavailable due to her responsibilities (work/family) and you dutifully peck away at your cell phone trying to get her attention. She senses that your attention is worthless because you have nothing better going for you than to pursue her. STOP IT! Go dark. Cut communications. Everything "depends on YOUR schedule" now. Do NOT initiate texts and keep text responses to one or two word answers. If she asks about you not being as available to her, come up with an unavoidably responsible excuse. You have to devote more dedication to your career, you were on the golf course with business associates, or you had to take care of your sick grandmother, anything with the implication of your being in demand. Assuming she hasn't written you off, you need to restart and reframe in the period of time she's alloted to not see you. She needs to have a new, fresh impression of you. Remember, women want a Man that other men want to be, and other women want to ƒuck. Right now you're ONEitis guy to her, and she's got buyers remorse. On your next date you need to be a DJ. Spin more plates. Develop new prospective women and you'll see marked change in her attitude toward you. Women want men with options.

 

[georgie24]

thanks for the post rollo

adding this to my notepad

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I see your point Rollo. On the other hand, I have been seeing multiple women for months. It's an impossible pace to keep up, and even without this woman I needed to slow things down. That said, I'll definitely go dark on her. Considering I needed to slow down anyway, that won't be a problem.

I will say I was not having any feelings of guilt; I was just was tired of the juggling act. As far as the mother's day phone call, it -was- the first time I called her, and it was mother's day. I looked at it this way: second date, a woman takes me home and takes off her clothes for me. I'm thinking there's attraction there, but I can see where I may have blown it.

 

[squirrels]

A few weeks ago

I had a second date with someone

I've decided to cut back on my overall dating activity (I turned down an obvious booty call Saturday night, for example) due to financial and personal issues, but I really do want to give this thing a chance.

WHAT THING??!

Let me tell it to you straight...there IS no "thing" yet.

I have not been serious about anyone for a long time (my divorce was final a little over three years ago) and while meeting people at this age is easy, meeting -quality- people is hard. And yes, I think she might be worth some effort.

You have known her for a couple weeks, and of that time you have seen her twice. What exactly qualifies you to judge this woman on whether she is "-quality-" after two dates?

You DO know that for the first month or two, the woman is going out of her way to impress you, right? Which means you have NO IDEA who she is/what kind of person she is when she's NOT trying to impress you.

"My body has never felt this good"...that is laughable. She's telling you that to make you feel good about your sexual performance so you stick around. Ever see that episode of South Park where the Japanese use the "Chinpokomon" to invade the US??

Look at you...you are counting the days between dates, you are texting her constantly, you are calling her up on Mothers' Day...I mean, wow! Why don't you just show up on her doorstep with flowers every morning?? If anything, you are going to FREAK this girl OUT with how fast you are obsessing over her.

Maybe she IS a quality woman and maybe she WILL end up being the one. But you don't call her/text her saying creepy sh!t like, "I have to see you again!!!". You call/text her and say, "Wanna do xxxx this weekend" or "I'm going to yyyy, do you want to come with me?"

Then you hang out and have a good time and keep getting to know her until she's comfortable around you and you see who she REALLY is.

I'm not even saying you have to keep "spinning plates". If you are having fun with this girl and she's providing for your "needs", then there's nothing wrong with dating only her for a little while. But don't slap the label "exclusive" on. Let her bring that crap up after a couple more dates. Keep your mind open to the possibility of dating other women until you know what you've got on your hands.

You don't have to 'go dark' on her...that may signal to her that you're not that interested. After all, it's only the SECOND DATE. I can't stress that enough. It's not time to try to use "salvage the relationship" tactics because there IS NO relationship. But you do need to get your emotions back under control and learn to RELAX about this whole love thing.

BTW, are you just ignoring the fact that she has a teenage kid? You know that's gonna be an issue sooner or later, right?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Charmer,
At 50 you should be getting a few smarts....wake up mate!...And she has a calf at heel,believe me you will want to kill that little prvick before the end of June...whatever you do,DO NOT SEVER CONNECTION WITH YOUR PLATES...you will need them down the line.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

You have known her for a couple weeks, and of that time you have seen her twice. What exactly qualifies you to judge this woman on whether she is "-quality-" after two dates?

You don't have to 'go dark' on her...that may signal to her that you're not that interested. After all, it's only the SECOND DATE. I can't stress that enough. It's not time to try to use "salvage the relationship" tactics because there IS NO relationship. But you do need to get your emotions back under control and learn to RELAX about this whole love thing.

BTW, are you just ignoring the fact that she has a teenage kid? You know that's gonna be an issue sooner or later, right?

What qualifies me to judge her after two dates is two marriages and three years of steady dating. Do I -know- she is quality? No. Did I enjoy her company enough to want to see her again? Yes. That's as far as it goes right now.

I do think my emotions are under control. I'm totally fine if I've blown it with this woman, and I'm ok with slowing down my pace.

As for the kid, I see that as a positive right now. I've avoided dating women with children for the most part, but I'm starting to see things differently. A woman with a kid is going to be less demanding of my time, and less likely to want to -jump- in to a relationship. Which leaves more time for me. Unless she's looking for a new daddy, that is. In which case I'm out the door in a hurry. This woman has been on her own for five years so I don't think she's looking for a new daddy.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Dear Charmer,
At 50 you should be getting a few smarts....wake up mate!...And she has a calf at heel,believe me you will want to kill that little prvick before the end of June...whatever you do,DO NOT SEVER CONNECTION WITH YOUR PLATES...you will need them down the line.

If she had made any hint of wanting me to meet her kid before June, it would be over. I don't want to meet anyone's kids within months of starting to date them. If a parent is that willing to have someone they practically just met to meet their kids, they are just going to confuse the kids more than whatever damage a divorce has already done.

As far as cutting ties with plates, I can find new ones. One of my recent plates (a woman who drove three hours to spend a couple of weekends at my place) made a comment about how it is so rare for her to "click" like she did with me. I couldn't tell her how often it happens with me ;-)

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Ok, another three date wonder. She never initiated contact, and after the third time out (just some fooling around back at her place) I haven't called or texted again. Honestly, that third time she wasn't looking so good (at 47, not many women are, right?) and I definitely prefer them younger and without children, in any case.

 

[Die Hard]

Good luck getting through the withdrawal phase, Thirdtimescharm.

 

[Lexington]

Yup, you never want to sever a connection with your plates. They are your insurance policy. You never can tell with women. Sometimes the coolest seeming girls can reveal themselves to be bat$hit crazy.

The truth is, it's impossible to tell from first impressions. You just have to keep spinning plates until you find the plate that clicks. This broad you're talking about obviously hasn't clicked yet although she may have the potential to. Don't prematurely cut the cord with the others.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Die Hard, thanks for the well wishes. No problem with withdrawal. One woman I dated for a year and a half called me "the most detached guy she ever met." While I do still get a little AFC from time to time, my "recovery" period is quick and I've already gotten back out and started meeting new women. Being is a -very- large city helps.