Casually mentions boyfriend

[Schmuck]

Not like "I have a bf" but in conversation casually. College setting. She changed her seat deliberately to sit next to me. 10 year age difference between us. Very friendly and she's always laughing at my jokes. I think my AFC ass screwed it up though. Not like I expressed my undying love but the little AFC things I did have given it away that I'm interested. I got no game. I gotta hand it to her, she's def playing me.

 

[Schmuck]

I just happened to sit down near her the first day and she was friendly so I just cracked some jokes and made her laugh. A good vibe. The next day she was sitting elsewhere, I passed by and acknowledged her, and I just sat down in the same place as first day. Now, out of the corner of my eye I'm looking at her and thinking "c'mon c'mon move". She looked back and got up and came sat down next to me.

Then my AFC side took over and fvcked things up over the next two weeks. Ugh, my brain is not allowing me to purge my AFC side. You're right DonS, I've got some serious confidence issues that are interfering. Many of us AFC's have lifetime problems with self-esteem.

 

[The Bat]

10 year age difference....you the older one or is she?

I think she was just looking to chill with a cool, funny dude.

Did you try asking her out before she mentioned the boyfriend? Why or why not?

Don't be too hard on yourself bud. Who cares, it's just one chick. Find out if she has any friends that you could hook up with.

 

[Schmuck]

10 year age difference....you the older one or is she?

I think she was just looking to chill with a cool, funny dude.

Did you try asking her out before she mentioned the boyfriend? Why or why not?

I'm the older. I didn't ask her out and that is one of the problems I think. I didn't bust on her.. cuz she was giving IOIs and I could have told her she's moving to fast but we can get together and make friends. My improvisation sucks and I'm in that position where it's a minute later where I"m like "ugh, I just missed a perfect opportunity to bust on her, I should have said "xyz".

There comes that moment where the pressure is built up for the move and when you don't make it.... makes you look like a wuss. It was after that moment that she started bringing up the bf and after my AFC moves. I'm pretty sure it was clear to her that I was interested even though I never explicitly said it. It was my behavior.

I backed off since then and today I think she was waiting for me after class and I turned AFC again and got nervous and attention seeking. I'm venting some here. Maybe I'll just use her to hone my game.

So I'm thinking how to play this now?

 

[Mr. Me]

She was physically attracted to you and that's why she laughed at your jokes and sat next to you.

Then, yes, you did or said some things that lowered that interest and she uttered a semblance of the classic "I have a boyfriend" and that's the signal that her interest is no longer there.

If she was "playing" you, you'd be out some dinners, concerts and drinks.

"So I'm thinking how to play this now?"

Cow's out of the barn. You can't go back in time. Damage is done. In the .01% chance that something could still happen, just be cool, laid back and let her come to you.

 

[jophil28]

I'm the older. I didn't ask her out and that is one of the problems I think. I didn't bust on her.. cuz she was giving IOIs and I could have told her she's moving to fast but we can get together and make friends. My improvisation sucks and I'm in that position where it's a minute later where I"m like "ugh, I just missed a perfect opportunity to bust on her, I should have said "xyz".

There comes that moment where the pressure is built up for the move and when you don't make it.... makes you look like a wuss. It was after that moment that she started bringing up the bf and after my AFC moves. I'm pretty sure it was clear to her that I was interested even though I never explicitly said it. It was my behavior.

I backed off since then and today I think she was waiting for me after class and I turned AFC again and got nervous and attention seeking. I'm venting some here. Maybe I'll just use her to hone my game.

So I'm thinking how to play this now?

Quit beatin up on yourself.
Changing from a wuss into a socalled DJ is a slow process. The change needs to be incremental not global.
You did great by snapping jokes and you also triggered her interest. THat is at least 50% success.THis chick is always going to be around because you have classes together. You do not need to game her urgently like she is a tiny window of oportunity in some dingy bar.

Take your time with her. You are TEN years older. Smooth older guys (like us ) are expected to act that way.
Think James Bond without the 9mm.
Let this unfold SLOWLY. Keep her IL up by feeding it with minimum attention and more C&F and build the tension but also the rapport.

Then when you KNOW the moment has arrived, get her out for some dating fun. You will KNOW that moment when it arrives.
DO not rush it.

 

[jophil28]

Then, yes, you did or said some things that lowered that interest and she uttered a semblance of the classic "I have a boyfriend" and that's the signal that her interest is no longer there.

IT could also be a common tactic used by women to try to manipulate you into COMPETING for her. IN which case she WANTS you closer.

 

[Schmuck]

Quit beatin up on yourself.
Changing from a wuss into a socalled DJ is a slow process. The change needs to be incremental not global.

Yeah, I think it's frustrating me about the slowness. I keep seeing these little successes and then BAM, I'm stumped. Like the other day on the school bus three chicks sat down, one on my side and she said something about it being cold. I said a smart ass comment about her needing to put on fat. Then she said so-and-so. Then I said something funny and her and her friends laugh. Then comes that silent pause after the laughs. I'm like "what the hell did I get myself into, **** I'm on the spot with three cute chicks, think, think of something funny again". And I shut down after that self-conscious moment. It's not till later I think about the most obvious thing to keep that conversation going and busting on them.

 

[jophil28]

Yeah, I think it's frustrating me about the slowness. I keep seeing these little successes and then BAM, I'm stumped. Like the other day on the school bus three chicks sat down, one on my side and she said something about it being cold. I said a smart ass comment about her needing to put on fat. Then she said so-and-so. Then I said something funny and her and her friends laugh. Then comes that silent pause after the laughs. I'm like "what the hell did I get myself into, **** I'm on the spot with three cute chicks, think, think of something funny again". And I shut down after that self-conscious moment. It's not till later I think about the most obvious thing to keep that conversation going and busting on them.

EVERY woman has some key thing which you can hook onto to keep the convo going.
IT may be some trinket that she is wearing, her too tight skirt, perhaps some dingbat phrase that she just said that you can pick up and run with.


SHe says , "These are my two friends..Jenny and Janice."
You," SO do you girls always get out in a group of three ? Are you all a chick rock band " . and so on..

OH and if you really get stuck,. try some lame palm reading... it sounds pathetic but it is fun and chicks love it ..a winner.

 

[horaholic]

Lets not forget about the thumb war. This one is ALWAYS golden. Its great for conversation lulls. Its playful, kino, funny, and generates attraction. I think Im gonna try that as an opener, on a cold approach, to see what happens.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

My improvisation sucks and I'm in that position where it's a minute later where I"m like "ugh, I just missed a perfect opportunity to bust on her, I should have said "xyz".

It took me a very long time until I was comfortable enough to be witty and spontaneous.

It comes from being relaxed. Eventually, you're going to have a library of reference material that's always at the ready, that you can sort of pull in any situation, and you'll be on 'autopilot,' so to speak.

There are some people who have this from day one. For us guys that are rather left-brained, it's not quite so easy. I have this theory that right-brained guys are the naturals, and we have to learn some of these behaviors the hard way.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

I'm on the spot with three cute chicks, think, think of something funny again". And I shut down after that self-conscious moment. It's not till later I think about the most obvious thing to keep that conversation going and busting on them.

You don't have to be funny again. In a case like this, you can follow up your witticism with a question, just asking what class they're going to. Again, took me a long time to learn that the most important thing to keep a conversation going wasn't what I said, but rather what questions I asked.

 

[Onlyliveonce]

http://www.break.com/index/she-has-a-boyfriend.html

 

[Casually]

You don't have to mess anything up for her to bring up her boyfriend. She could still be attracted to you, she just felt she had to bring up her boyfriend because she felt guilty about talking to an attractive guy.

There are lots of ways to deal with the boyfriend statement. You could just ignore it: "That's nice" and continue on with the conversation. Or you could make a joke out of it: "Me too! So anyway..." Or you could ask her something like "That's great! So what's been your secret in keeping the relationship together?" A question like that can help you to gauge the strength of the relationship, and determine whether she's deeply in love or if she's in a so-so relationship, and looking for something more.

Check out the page on Boyfriend Destroyers for more tips on dealing with the "boyfriend" statement.

 

[Schmuck]

You need to change your screen name. You are not a schmuck.

Start changing your mindset and the rest will follow.

The mindset is the tricky part. It's all psychological. I've found that it isn't about the little things I do. It's not about screen names, the clothes I wear, the exercise, the lines, the 3 second rule..etc. It's something that just clicks in your head. I had it once, just for a few months. It's a sort of ignorance where you're genuinely puzzled about the prospect of being nervous or being afraid of women, or just in general handling people and not knowing what to say. If someone where to ask me about approaching a hot sexy woman "well aren't you nervous?". I'd look at them puzzled and go "nervous? why would I be nervous?". As if the question made no sense. I can't explain it, I saw a smidgen of it in my early 20s and then it was gone.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

If you don't put an age on your profile before you post in the MM forum, you can keep your screen name.


What you're describing is the Boyfriend Disclaimer, also known as a Proactive LJBF. The Boyfriend Disclaimer rejection occurs when a woman slips the information of her unavailability (due to the BF) covertly into casual conversation. I've covered this countless times with frustrated guys asking me why a woman would tell him she had a boyfriend in the middle of a sarge. It simply a communication methodology with the latent purpose of proactively rejecting him (where a LJBF is a reactive rejection). Men have a tendency to think women are abstract and scattered when in fact they are very calculating, it's just that covert communication is second nature for them.

The idea behind the Boyfriend Disclaimer is that you've telegraphed your interest in her overtly enough that she wants to save herself (and possibly you) the potential embarrassment and discomfort of having to needlessly go through the process of you asking her out. It's similar to single women wearing false wedding rings in order to thwart unwanted advances. As I said, it's proactive - "Hey lets save us both the trouble of you trying to hook up with me and get to the part where we agree to LJBF." This is a very common practice for exceptionally attractive women who, through frequency, more readily read the approach behaviors of guys who are attracted to her.

That said, unless there's a (real) ring on her finger, every woman is single. C&F is amazingly effective in defusing a BFD when used to draw attention to it as a tactic. Don't let a BFD thwart your sarge. Often enough it's a bluff she's not used to being called on, turn that to your advantage, but do so cleverly.

 

[Schmuck]

The idea behind the Boyfriend Disclaimer is that you've telegraphed your interest in her overtly enough......

You got that right. I agree 100% I was too eager in showing interest. Even though I know I shouldn't have... the AFC is hard to drop.

Often enough it's a bluff she's not used to being called on, turn that to your advantage, but do so cleverly.

Maybe it will be good practice for me to see what works in extracting myself from this situation.