Case Report: Formal apology or let it go?

[Colossus]

I’ve been seeing this girl for about two months now, semi-casually. We see each other about 1-2 x per week; she has a full life of her own and I have work/school obligations. She is 27, cute, nice body, a bit of a tom-boy. Very enthusiastic sexually; wants it each night, never wears underwear---a “go-getter”. Ultimately this girl wants a stable relationship (I know, and the sky is blue). I had other plates in the beginning, but they fizzled. I have been studying for a very important exam so that has taken precedence over plate acquisition.

The situation: We had plans to go to a dinner party on Saturday. I told her that I would probably be to her place around 5. Saturday comes, and I go out with my roommate and some colleagues during the day; don’t get back till 5. I’m a little tired and need a nap (went to a brewery), so she texts me to see when I will be there; I respond saying I will come by 7 (which she had just told me was when dinner started) and I would drive there. She usually picks me up at the subway station. LSS, she tells me not to bother coming, that I was an inconsiderate a$$ because she had dropped an obligation so she could pick me up at 5. I did not know this…I was under the impression that the time was sort of open as she never told me when dinner started the day before.

So I briefly apologized; she wasn’t amused, and we haven’t spoken since then. I am debating on whether or not give her a “formal” apology or just let her contact me if she wants to. This is our first contention, and of course a bit of a test.

I should note:

I am not known for my timeliness. I have been late to dinner with her before.

 

[Vulpine]

You've apologized.

If she wants to make a big fuss, remind her that you already apologized and point out that she would just be a b¡tch for beating you over the head with something you've already apologized for... then change the subject and move on.

 

[Phyzzle]

I think you should do a more formal apology, maybe by writing an email. Say that you thought it out, that you were being inconsiderate, that it 'won't happen again'.

I say you need to be more contrite because you seriously do need to fix this:

I am not known for my timeliness. I have been late to dinner with her before.

Maybe you're still a student, but you're getting to the age where you're going to Dinner Parties instead of Keggers. You need to act accordingly. Rolling in two hours late to a dinner party is not going to fly in the adult world.

Plus, if I'd known a woman for two months, I wouldn't put up with that from her (though I might if I were getting to know her.)

 

[Colossus]

Maybe you're still a student, but you're getting to the age where you're going to Dinner Parties instead of Keggers. You need to act accordingly. Rolling in two hours late to a dinner party is not going to fly in the adult world.

Plus, if I'd known a woman for two months, I wouldn't put up with that from her (though I might if I were getting to know her.)

Touche.

I'm not a student for the time being, but I am certainly beyond the 'college phase'. I readily admit that I have a chronic problem with being late. Not out of flippancy or disrespect, I just plan poorly sometimes, and I am finding that people are far less tolerant of this outside of university.

 

[mikeraw]

I'm dealing with a similar situation with one of my plates today. Basically I didn't call her and I ignored her calls all weekend because I wanted to party with my friends.

What worked for me today is that we had an email exchange in which I basically patronized her, dismissed her complaints treating her like a spoiled princess (actual phrase I called her), was overly cute with her, sending her kisses and stuff.

I think you need to treat her like a child so she realizes that she's overreacting. Send her this pic, too: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v111/DFSniper/lolcat/you_still_mad.jpg

hahaha It worked for me, but my plate likes cats.

 

[The Bat]

You've apologized.

If she wants to make a big fuss, remind her that you already apologized and point out that she would just be a b¡tch for beating you over the head with something you've already apologized for... then change the subject and move on.

What he said.

Add to that: tell her that the main event was dinner, not her being able to pick you up at exactly 5. Since the main event wasn't until 7, it doesn't mean you couldn't make it. And tell her that you understand how pissed she was, but in the end, you two would've still been together enjoying a nice dinner party.

That way, you don't discount her feelings, and at the same time show her what a mistake she has made (and the mistake was you two not being able to hang out).

 

[Jeffst1980]

Girls often throw fits like this over minor things when they've come to the conclusion that you're not really into them enough. Has she tried to talk you into being exclusive? Has she been making most of the plans and setting up dates?

The fact that she's looking for a stable relationship means that she expects you two to start doing couple-y things at this point, like lame dinner parties with her friends. Otherwise, she is going to feel like you're stringing her along, and that's going to make her throw fits like this one.

You don't need to apologize again; this wasn't a big deal. What Vulpine said was right.

You ARE going have to be more conscientious of her needs in the future, as I have a feeling that that's the heart of the issue. After two months, this girl is going to need some assurance that she's on the path to become more than an FB. If nothing else, work on your timeliness.

I think you should contact her to set up a date, not to apologize. She'll bring it up, of course, but just do what The Bat and other posters here have said.

 

[Colossus]

^^^

Good assessment.

She hasn't mentioned exclusivity; but she has made 95% of the plans and date suggestions. She always calls first, texts first, and so on.

I think at this point that is what she is after--some evidence that she is more than a sex pal and we are moving into committed territory. I have purposely kept this issue at bay because 1) she has strong family ties to the area and will likely never move, and I will hopefully be off to medical school by this time next year; potentially sooner. 2) She tends to toot her own horn a lot, which I find somewhat annoying and I'm not sure I can hang with this in the long run. I know it sounds nitpicky, but it's just one of my peeves.

I feel that at the least I owe her a gesture of contrition--I have been seriously late before (once when she was making ME dinner at my house) and she let it slide. If this was my first offense it probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

[jophil28]

I feel that at the least I owe her a gesture of contrition--I have been seriously late before (once when she was making ME dinner at my house) and she let it slide. If this was my first offense it probably wouldn't be an issue.

Yes you do owe her a little more contrition. Being chronically late is not OK and never will be . IT can quickly develop into flaking. Would you tolerate her doing to you what you did to her?
WE men talk about LEADING women. I think that the best way that we can lead is to set the rules by example. You set a poor example.

Call her and have some coffee and chat about this issue and put it to rest before it creates resentment in her and she feels the need to pay you back.
Women hold serious grudges.

 

[jafyk]

Well, apologize once more and try to show in your actions that you're sorry (i.e. by not being late) I'm usually late myself and I hate it. You could've also saved yourself the trouble by communicating with her that you were gonna be late. Anyway, apologize and after a few days call her up and initiate something.

 

[STR8UP]

With all due respect....don't be an a$$hole. You were late because you didn't respect her time, not because you "didn't plan well".

People get about ONE strike with me when it comes to stuff like that. When I make plans, I keep them. People who disrespect my time like that obviously don't deserve any of it, because most of the time I DO have to make arrangements to spend time with someone.

Not saying you need to send her a dozen roses and a singing telegram, but you were wrong, and depending upon how important she is to you I would make it right somehow.

 

[sodbuster]

Chronically late? Some people think they are SOOO important that the rest of us should just wait for them. They have a surprised look on their face when they show up for dinner and we are finishing dessert. Told 1 woman 12:30 was Central not Mountain time zone. Tends to fix that BS. Habitually late to me means either you think your time is more important than mine or you are immature/stupid. Niether one is a good impression to leave[chances are good your boss feels the same]

 

[mtnkng]

Really depends on the situation....but 2 months....there seems to be a bit of investment.

So, seems like a bit of disrespect on your part. I wonder what contrition without supplication looks like....

 

[Colossus]

Look, I admitted it's something I need to work on. It has nothing to do with 'how important I think I am'. Just because someone is often late does not necessarily make them an a$$hole. Sometimes yes, but people have very different concepts of time. That doesn't excuse blatant tardiness, but I will contend that people who have ZERO tolerance for lateness are the ones who think their time is of superior importance. Things happen. You can tell when someone sincerely made an effort and when they are just blowing you off. I didn't think about her in this case.

I did send her an email today and expressed my regret for not calling her earlier and telling her what was up. I felt it was the right thing to do. She called me not long after, and things were fine.

 

[jophil28]

I did send her an email today and expressed my regret for not calling her earlier and telling her what was up. I felt it was the right thing to do. She called me not long after, and things were fine.

Good move. Next date ,show up with 5 minutes to spare.

 

[STR8UP]

Look, I admitted it's something I need to work on. It has nothing to do with 'how important I think I am'. Just because someone is often late does not necessarily make them an a$$hole. Sometimes yes, but people have very different concepts of time. That doesn't excuse blatant tardiness, but I will contend that people who have ZERO tolerance for lateness are the ones who think their time is of superior importance.

When two people make plans and one doesn't follow through that has nothing to do with the other feeling like their time is superior if they get upset about it, especially if it isn't the first time (like I said, I give the benefit of the doubt once, and I don't necessarily get pi$$y about it). Expecting someone to keep a date/appointment/meeting is normal. People with a "loose" concept of time don't necessarily set out to disrespect people, but that is often the end result.

I did send her an email today and expressed my regret for not calling her earlier and telling her what was up. I felt it was the right thing to do. She called me not long after, and things were fine.

Sounds like you did the right thing. And yea, a courtesy call goes a long way.

 

[RedPill]

It sounds like your expections of each other have become increasing divergent since the beginning of your relationship. It sounds like she is fast-tracking you to monogamy, and aside from the irritation of disrespecting her time, your chronic lateness is also an affront to her goal of securing an exclusive relationship. This is conjecture, of course, but it's probably why she's so upset.

The challenge for you with the fact that you've upset her, and to a degree lessened her trust of you, is that now you've forced the issue of relationship parameters right to the surface, and now you have to deal with those diverging expectations. By working to restore trust with her, you're essentially saying "I care about 'us' and want to fix it", when the reality is that you're more concerned with getting the pvssy express back on track than you are getting into a deeper commitment level with her.

 

[Colossus]

It sounds like your expections of each other have become increasing divergent since the beginning of your relationship. It sounds like she is fast-tracking you to monogamy, and aside from the irritation of disrespecting her time, your chronic lateness is also an affront to her goal of securing an exclusive relationship. This is conjecture, of course, but it's probably why she's so upset.

The challenge for you with the fact that you've upset her, and to a degree lessened her trust of you, is that now you've forced the issue of relationship parameters right to the surface, and now you have to deal with those diverging expectations. By working to restore trust with her, you're essentially saying "I care about 'us' and want to fix it", when the reality is that you're more concerned with getting the pvssy express back on track than you are getting into a deeper commitment level with her.

There is some truth to this.

It occurred to me that this would inevitably bring the status of our relationship to the surface, which I have been comfortable avoiding. I don't disagree with you in that she is ultimately seeking monogamy, but I think she is fairly astute to what is going on. If she presses the issue I will have to tell her that long-term potential is uncertain at best; unless she is willing to move, which I don't think will happen.

 

[Alexander the Great]

This girl felt frustrated because in her mind there's more going on between you two than there is in yours. That's obvious. And it's not her scheming girly mind that thinks this, it's your actions of continuous attention and dates that fuel her desire. The fact that you're having a more laid back approach, even signalling "not THAT interested" by showing up late at dates, isn't registering with her interested mind. She only sees what she hopes to see.

If you want this to get out of control in an ugly fashion, continue to act as you do now. On the other hand, you might consider being the mature man here and sit down with this girl. Don't wait for her to bring it up. Chances are she's hesitant to do that, just because she likes you so much and is waiting for the proper signal or time to do so. If you do wait, most likely such a talk will happen after yet another borked date. Then there will be anger and angry emotions involved. It'll be a fight rather than a talk, and you're no doubt going to label it "another hissy fit". Fool yourself only please. Fights never lead to positive outcomes. Do you want to have this happen just because she liked you more than you did her, but you just wanted her for p*ssy? There's no need to play with people.

Sit down with her. Talk about your "sensing there's something more going on than the showing up late", because you do. Then you'll be able to settle it in a mature fashion. You may just have to give up the possibility of laying with her (to use an archaic term ), but really... would you like to bed her with her thinking you like her enough for exclusivity and you just doing her for fun? Don't use people.

Sure, it may not be the DJ thing to do, but hey... come on... let's not play games. This girl obviously likes you. I feel it's the responsibility of everyone to not string people along when it's obvious there's a difference of like for eachother involved. Everyone deserves to not be used. Which is what you're doing right now if you keep this up.

There's no need to play with people. Be a mature man and do the right thing and stop comfortably avoiding the inevitable.

 

[Colossus]

This girl felt frustrated because in her mind there's more going on between you two than there is in yours. That's obvious. And it's not her scheming girly mind that thinks this, it's your actions of continuous attention and dates that fuel her desire. The fact that you're having a more laid back approach, even signalling "not THAT interested" by showing up late at dates, isn't registering with her interested mind. She only sees what she hopes to see.

If you want this to get out of control in an ugly fashion, continue to act as you do now. On the other hand, you might consider being the mature man here and sit down with this girl. Don't wait for her to bring it up. Chances are she's hesitant to do that, just because she likes you so much and is waiting for the proper signal or time to do so. If you do wait, most likely such a talk will happen after yet another borked date. Then there will be anger and angry emotions involved. It'll be a fight rather than a talk, and you're no doubt going to label it "another hissy fit". Fool yourself only please. Fights never lead to positive outcomes. Do you want to have this happen just because she liked you more than you did her, but you just wanted her for p*ssy? There's no need to play with people.

Sit down with her. Talk about your "sensing there's something more going on than the showing up late", because you do. Then you'll be able to settle it in a mature fashion. You may just have to give up the possibility of laying with her (to use an archaic term ), but really... would you like to bed her with her thinking you like her enough for exclusivity and you just doing her for fun? Don't use people.

Sure, it may not be the DJ thing to do, but hey... come on... let's not play games. This girl obviously likes you. I feel it's the responsibility of everyone to not string people along when it's obvious there's a difference of like for eachother involved. Everyone deserves to not be used. Which is what you're doing right now if you keep this up.

There's no need to play with people. Be a mature man and do the right thing and stop comfortably avoiding the inevitable.

Dude you are making some massive assumptions here. I never labeled her reaction "a hissy fit", and I never said I was only in it for the pu5sy. I think given the circumstances her anger was totally justified. She had to miss a memorial to make time to pick me up (which never ended up happening), so I felt like even more of a d!ckhead.

She has been the more active member thus far in terms of setting up dates, spending money, and calling. It would be fair to say that she is more motivated in terms of pursuing a relationship, but she also knows the terms right now. Eventually the situation will reach critical mass and a frank discussion about the future will have to be had. But, aside from this incident, we are both having fun at the moment and I think it's a little too early to preemptively end things.

I really think the issue was primarily being late. We spoke yesterday and she said overtly that time issues are a personal matter for her. Is there more to it than just being late? You bet, but don't accuse me of playing games here. Games happen when you are deceiving someone or not being forthright about your intentions. If I was ONLY interested in sex from her yet continued to see her for 2 months that would be a d!ck move on my part. Furthermore, relationships are non-exclusive until otherwise discussed, and I am under no obligation to broach the subject with her just because I am cognizant of her interest level. If she wants to talk about it, I will, and I'll certainly be honest. I do like her, and I'm not just appeasing her so I can keep the poon-train rolling. A steady flow of pu5sy is nice, but I'm not going to use her just to secure a commodity. Being late is something I need to fix, regardless of my interest in the girl.