Can't get used to the idea of being alone

[facadegeniality]

Hi all, I'm about to turn 25 in a couple of months time. I have been a pretty passive member in this forum.

Having been here for so long, one thing I really learnt is that we guys should have our act together and then have woman (-en) be in our world. So we need our own life - guy friends, hobbies, passion, career.

I'm at this stage of my life where I believe that ultimately I have to get used to being alone. Why do I feel this way?

I want to get my act together but I have lost passion for a lot of things I used to like. Most guys I know are always with their gf/chasing chicks. I really start to believe that men are the weaker sex. My closest pals are still in sch (I graduated earlier) and thus are really busy. I believe they intend to further their studies abroad and thus I have lotsa time on my own. My current job doesn't give me any satisfaction. Even as a kid, I felt that everything is overrated.

I'm afraid that the loneliness will drive me to be in the vicious cycle of this AFCism and I'm constantly on the lookout for companionship. Hence, I believe I'm quite likely to succumb to thoughts that women will complete me.

I would like to know how many of you have felt/ are feeling the same way? How do you propose I cope with being alone?

 

[Bible_Belt]

If you want a loyal companion, get a dog. Then use the dog as a prop to meet women; the dog won't mind.

 

[sodbuster]

I've been married, a woman won't complete you....she can only bear your children for you. Since my divorce, I'm saving ~40k extra a year without a woman in my life. I'm able to invest the way I want,live the way I want, clean the house when I want,etc. I still have the occasional woman in my life-on MY terms.
Your problem is you are wandering around in limbo. Figure out why you are in a job you don't like,waiting for your friends to graduate[their jobs will eventually take them away from you anyway].take some time to figure out what YOU want out of life. SET GOALS and a plan to reach them.

 

[zekko]

Since my divorce, I'm saving ~40k extra a year without a woman in my life. I'm able to invest the way I want,live the way I want, clean the house when I want,etc.

The more I read here, the more I think my situation where I am cohabitating with my LTR is about as ideal as it gets. Like you, I get to keep my finances seperate from hers, so I can invest and save as I please. As opposed to having joint accounts which are subject to plunder on a wife's whim. This way, at the right time hopefully she can profit from it as well (I'd like to marry her later in life so she can inherit my estate without extra taxation). Hopefully I don't die suddenly or unexpectedly. There is no common law marriage where we live.

As for cleaning the house, I can use all the help I can get.

 

[vatoloco]

I'm at this stage of my life where I believe that ultimately I have to get used to being alone. Why do I feel this way?

Because you're still holding onto the idea that you need a woman to "complete you."

...Hence, I believe I'm quite likely to succumb to thoughts that women will complete me.

Unfortunately, I was afraid this'd be case and it seems like deep down, this the way you really feel.

I would like to know how many of you have felt/ are feeling the same way? How do you propose I cope with being alone?

Unfortunately, there's no magic trick for accomplishing this. For me, it was spending several years of not being in a LTR to learn who I really was (by myself, without the need of a significant other to "define me"). I learned what it was that I wanted out of life.

Now, don't get me wrong. Female company is great and all but it shouldn't define you. It shouldn't "complete you." It should complement you.

 

[Warrior74]

I literally enjoy my own company. Oh I crave human company at times, and I enjoy hanging out with my friends, but most times I enjoy being by myself with my thoughts, my ideas, or just stillness. If you cannot enjoy your own company, then you might have a problem.

 

[betheman]

I think I enjoy my own space too much, since parting with my ex 9 months ago, ive been pretty much alone, got grown up kids who tend to want to do their own thing but we still catch up and do stuff.
Im lacking in the friends dept though, only got around 3-4 good friends and due to work/shifts it can be tricky to meet up.
joinign a new gym this week, hopefully will get to meet some friends out of that as well as get a bit more work done on my ever improving bod

 

[squirrels]

Hi all, I'm about to turn 25 in a couple of months time. I have been a pretty passive member in this forum.

Having been here for so long, one thing I really learnt is that we guys should have our act together and then have woman (-en) be in our world. So we need our own life - guy friends, hobbies, passion, career.

I'm at this stage of my life where I believe that ultimately I have to get used to being alone. Why do I feel this way?

I want to get my act together but I have lost passion for a lot of things I used to like. Most guys I know are always with their gf/chasing chicks. I really start to believe that men are the weaker sex. My closest pals are still in sch (I graduated earlier) and thus are really busy. I believe they intend to further their studies abroad and thus I have lotsa time on my own. My current job doesn't give me any satisfaction. Even as a kid, I felt that everything is overrated.

I'm afraid that the loneliness will drive me to be in the vicious cycle of this AFCism and I'm constantly on the lookout for companionship. Hence, I believe I'm quite likely to succumb to thoughts that women will complete me.

I would like to know how many of you have felt/ are feeling the same way? How do you propose I cope with being alone?

Story of my life, man.

I was going to wax philosophical, but I typed up this long reply, and I found myself drifting into a logical paradox, so I need to think before I start running my mouth in this case.

There's a difference between taking life seriously, and seriously taking life. The former enslaves you...the latter sets you free.

You live here one time, man. Once. If you're posting in this forum, chances are you have 50-60 years left, tops. If chasing your desires means you're lonely, than so be it.

We all want to be loved...but you can't MAKE anyone love you. That's the biggest fallicy of these "dating advice" sites. You can only make yourself love yourself. And you do that by doing what YOU love and what YOU think is worth the time.

 

[squirrels]

Yay double post!

 

[squirrels]

Yay double post!

 

[Die Hard]

If you're trying to learn something which you don't have motivation for, it's gonna be a tough road...

I've been learning salsa dancing over the last 3 months and it's pretty hard, even though I'm very motivated. You see, it's hard WITH motivation! I guess it would be near impossible WITHOUT motivation...

This goes for all complicated things you wanna learn, and being alone is one of them. You have to EMBRACE your alone-ness, you should actively chase after it. If you have an attitude where you try to evade it and try to minimize your alone-ness, you won't ever get good at it.

I've made it a habit to take every opportunity I can get to embrace my alone-ness. Usually, when a person feels like doing something, he calls up his friends or someone else to do it WITH. Everytime you get this feeling, you just do it alone!

Feel like you wanna go clubbing tonight? Go out alone... The music sounds just as good whether your pals are with you or not, the girls look just as hot whether your pals are with you or not. Feel like having a fancy dinner at some nice restaurant? Get up off your azz and go to that restaurant alone... The food tastes just as good whether you have someone sitting on the other side of the table or not.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't have friends or that you shouldn't do things with friends. It's good to have friends, when you share happiness with others, it gets multiplied. But a man should never have to RELY on others for his happiness, he should be able to feel comfortable on his own and he should be able to be happy alone. You know who my best friend is? ME!

Clint Eastwood always rides into town alone (his horse doesn't count, lol) and he rides out of it alone. Yet, he's always the baddest mothafocka in town!!!

I'm going to a salsa social dancing event tonight. I can't dance for sh!t, I'm just a beginner, I feel nervous to ask girls there to dance with me (I know only a few moves while most other guys there are great dancers) and everybody's gonna watch me being uncomfortable on the dancefloor... It would be nice to have some "backup" with me, one of my pals or at least one of the guys who I follow classes with. But no, I'm gonna be all alone... Honestly, the thought makes me feel uncomfortable. But I'm still going, I just force myself to look at this as another great opportunity to become more comfortable with being alone


Remember that feeling you had as a kid when you lost your mommy at the mall? Yes? Well, do the math...

 

[facadegeniality]

sodbuster: what you said made a lot of sense...rationally speaking, i already know that's the reason. but i guess im still trying to find my way, with no destination and a spoiled compass. I'm constantly trying to find out my strengths and weaknesses plus my passion. Hopefully I'm able to steer myself to the right direction. However, I don't see that anytime soon.

zekko: thank you for sharing your situation. it makes me wanna do that too. I hope I'm able to as I realise i tend to enter a r/s with rose-tinted glasses.

vatoloco: i agree with you wholeheartedly that I'm still holding on to that idea (not by choice). I'm working towards building better friendships with my buddies. Interestingly, I have been single way much longer than I've been attached. Mayb that's why I feel that women will complete me?

Warrior74: I'm the kind that do enjoy my alone-times too. It's when I get the need to socialise that I start to feel lousy, because not being out there means not forming close friendships.

squirrels: Would you be able to explain the difference between the two, I've been pondering but I'm not able to comprehend. I agree with you that I need to get that self-love and be able to be contented with it. anything more from others should be a bonus.

diehard: You are right. Motivation is the thing I'm lacking. As for going out alone, I'm not sure of it yet. Right now it all seems like a far-fetched idea. It probably has a stigma. ( i don't mind window-shopping alone though) But I'm going to act on it by getting out of my comfort zone and go to live music venues alone.

Thank you all for you replies!! I haven't been coming because it's the elections and I've been following it! haha I will work on my thinking and hopefully report back with improvements. meanwhile, do share more stories or provide more suggestions. I'm all ears, or rather eyes!

 

[bugsquish]

Being alone is great. But you do need human company too. Most of my long-term friends are in LTRs now, so I have to make my own fun. I often go out alone and make some new friends. Have you tried that?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Diehard,
Salsa is the way to go for a man at your age....Well Done!!!...the first three months are the toughest...believe me the hard yards are behind you...still keep up your Intermediate level?instruction,but assuming that an initial reconnoitre,has established some available talent,go somewhere else that is offering a Basics course....A little knowledge will make you a desirable item....You do realise,that at your stage you have good as mastered the first steps of Rhumba,with a little effort you also have Cha-Cha in your grasp....you are off,like a rocket,dances like Salsa are soo derivitive...I would really appreciate Dear Old Jophills input here....Although I must tell you all,that there are rumours to the effect that he is even now,in A Shanghai Opium Den,tied head and feet to the bedpost of an Asian Sex Maniac,who is having her evil way with him.

 

[Die Hard]

Salsa is the way indeed! It brought me much already, regarding women but also in other regards.

Actually, yours and Jophil's comments on salsa throughout several threads in the past, are 75% of the reason I decided to start up on it. The final 25% came from the dance scene at the end of "Swingers"

That simple decision to start up on salsa really did wonders for me on my path of self-improvement and towards becoming a DJ. So thank you, Scara!

 

[sodbuster]

All I can add... having been married. There is nothing as lonely as the marriage bed. Single- you have the hope of finding "the one". married-when she doesn't understand you[or want to]... you are thinking "she doesn't understand,doesn't want to,and I'm stuck with the b1tch unless I'm willing to lose half" I was willing to lose half. Hope you choose better than I did

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I've been married-twice. I'm still fighting the demons that drove me to marriage, but I KNOW I'm better off without the soul sucking b*tches

Women will never complete you. You have to complete yourself. Then you have a chance of attracting the type of woman you deserve.

 

[backbreaker]

what i learned, is that it's not a woman that you want, or at least I wanted, it was validation that I was seeking. the more unhappy I was with what I was doing the more I yearned to have a woman. It took me a while to put 2 and 2 together but I wanted a woman to basically tell me I was okay because I wasn't telling myself I was okay.


please, note the distinction between, wanting to get laid and wanting a relationship. every guy wants to get laid, that's part of being male. but the urge to be "not single"P is really you telling you that you don't approve of you.

 

[HalfAddict]

Sup sosuave, been a while.

Dude, do not worry about being alone, you do not need a dame to make you happy, and she probably won't. I know it has been said time and time again on this board, and I am going to repeat it. Focus on YOURSELF are you who you want to be? This where I am at again, life has thrown me around, I gained back all my weight, lost my job and my confidence, hardly left the house all winter. I recently picked up a hobby (playing harmonica) started lifting again, started running again and am going to start boxing again very soon. Thing is I am starting to feel like a million bucks again and I have not seen a stitch of ***** worth chasing in my neck of the woods, and honestly I do not care. I have a few good friends I see and spend most of my time alone helping my disabled mom and cleaning the house for my folks and ****. I am not in the slightest sad about not having a woman around, I do not seek it and I do not resist it. Let the cards fall where they may, step up your game get in shape, pick up a hobby, if you are not busy become busy and good things will happen.

You need to step back and take a look at your life and decide if you like where you are going, and instead of worrying about being alone and keep a positive mental attitude. If you walk around all mopey and **** dames will pick up on it, no one wants to hang around the party pooper bro especially those of the female persuasion.

:kick:

 

[facadegeniality]

bugsquish: I haven't tried going out to make new friends. I used to join certain internet forums and make new friends that way. I'm thinking of going to bookstores/coffee places/music gigs to get to meet people with similar interests.

sodbuster: I was recently dating this girl and that was exactly how I felt. We were officially together but I felt like after saying how I felt about certain things (because I believe in open communication), things were still the same ol' and I left her. I'm going to have to start to understand the law in my country when it comes to divorce so that I can protect my assets in future.

thirdtimecharm: thanks for reiterating about having to complete ourselves first. This reminder came at the right time. I wish you well in your fight!

backbreaker: "the more unhappy I was with what I was doing the more I yearned to have a woman." this is so true...I think validation is one of the things i seek too. (so i guess its not only the women who do that eh?) I think I will start practicing positive self-talk to tackle this need for validation. I hope it works.

halfaddict: i admire your strong-will. I'm in healthcare so I know it's really not easy to care for a disabled person. Thank you for words, I'm gonna start planning and doing stuff to fill my time.

Thanks all for your replies. I'm gonna start to work on my life and report back here!