Can't get over ex

[Miles28]

I split with my ex about a year ago. She wanted to get married (we had been
together for 7 years so of course I can understand her stance) and I didn't. Although I used not wanting to get married as the reason for the split (and for her it was marriage or nothing) the truth is that I also wanted to see other girls, didn't want to be tied down, etc. I really loved this girl and she had stood by my side through some rough times. She is kind, intelligent, caring, fun and just generally wonderful in many ways.

However I will say that the relationship wasn't perfect. We'd have a lot of
petty arguments (more my fault than hers) and, to be honest, physical
attraction on both sides had really plummeted.

Now I have met a new girl who I'm really into in every way, but sentimentality about my old relationship is making it hard to genuinely move on. Up until now it wasn't really an issue because I was just spinning plates and not taking anything too seriously. However the new girl is someone that I would like to have a relationship with. The problem is that I cant stop thinking about all the good times we had with my ex(she was a big part of my life for seven years after all), how good she was to me, how I have made her unhappy by leaving, etc.

Anyone else wrestled with this feelings of guilt, regret, nostalgia, etc? I
keep thinking about going back to this girl and proposing to her but deep down I suspect that, after the initial delight of reconciliation has passed, I would begin to feel trapped and unhappy again.

I guess many people go through this. Would welcome any thoughts or advice.

M

 

[jophil28]

Anyone else wrestled with this feelings of guilt, regret, nostalgia, etc? I
keep thinking about going back to this girl and proposing to her but deep down I suspect that, after the initial delight of reconciliation has passed, I would begin to feel trapped and unhappy again. .

You know the answer to your own dilemma - read the last line of your quote above.
The self awareness that you express above will probably block you from acting on your feelings and making a huge mistake.

Having nostalic and pleasant thoughts about an ex is common to us all. It is not a problem to be "solved" it is just an inevitable result of a strong attachment . Attachments are an essential part of human bonding and NOT to be avoided per se (inspite of what the Buddhists preach)

Unfortunately, the emotional consequences of a breakup, after a long and close attachment, are certain to linger for a long time.

All just part of the human experience I guess.

 

[Miles28]

Thanks Jophil, your advice is always good.

 

[Miles28]

I feel like a total bastard. This girl was 24 when we started dating. Now she's 31. For a woman that's a big deal - she is that much less 'marketable' than she was before (although she still looks great). Feel like I have taken something away from her.

 

[Bluntmaster]

You will just have to waste years of your life until you are old and gray missing your ex until you finally realize it's all in vain. Missing a stupid ex is a waste of life.

You can realize it now or later.

 

[SoldMySoul]

You can realize it now or later.

The sooner the better. Get it over at once or let it drone on.

 

[typical]

Mate you had good times but deep down you knew it was never going to work out for reasons only you know.

Feeling bad that you have wasted years of her life is just wrong, she spent 7 good years with you and you both had ups and downs. Remember nothing lasts forever its better to go your seperate ways rather then stay together in a miserable marriage.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Anyone else wrestled with this feelings of guilt, regret, nostalgia, etc? I
keep thinking about going back to this girl and proposing to her but deep down I suspect that, after the initial delight of reconciliation has passed, I would begin to feel trapped and unhappy again.

I guess many people go through this. Would welcome any thoughts or advice.

M

You are in love with and pining for what it could have/should have been, not what it actually was. You have an ideal vision of the prior relationship in your mind, stripped of all the problems. It's easy for us to trick ourselves like that. That's why you know deep down that you would start to feel trapped again.

 

[Miles28]

Typical and Atom Smasher, your words resonated massively with me. When I read them I knew them to be true.

Time to get on with life instead of looking back.

 

[djzulu]

I was in a very similar situation - had an ex who wanted to take things to the next level and I wanted to continue 'experiencing'.

Looking back, I don't regret letting her go. At first I had deep feelings of nostalgia and was beating myself up for letting her 'slip through my fingers'. But today, when I am impartial about everything and can examine our relationship from a rational point of view it was the best thing to do for both of us.

It seems to me that you are following your rationale and not your feelings - and this is a good thing since your feelings are probably misleading.

 

[Kailex]

I feel like a total bastard. This girl was 24 when we started dating. Now she's 31. For a woman that's a big deal - she is that much less 'marketable' than she was before (although she still looks great). Feel like I have taken something away from her.

Don't remember you talking about how you pointed a gun to her head and MADE her stay in the relationship.

She could have walked right out of it at any time.

You're not a puppeteer and she wasn't tied to any strings. She had free will. If anything I'd be looking at all the years she took away from me.

I had the SAME situation with my ex. We were together from pretty much 25 to 31. It just didn't work out. I can't spend my time thinking about how she lost her best years because of me... it's just wasteful thinking and wasting your time you could be doing other things.

I think one thing many men fail to understand is that you will always miss an ex after a doomed relationship. Yes, she's an ex, but she was with you at sometime and what you really miss are the best parts of the relationship, parts that really will never be duplicated by anyone else. But what we tend to forget are all of the worst parts that caused the relationship to deteriorate in the first place. The key is to bring up the bad as soon as you miss the good. It's natural. I still "miss" my ex in a way, but I'd never go back to that relationship.

 

[jophil28]

I feel like a total bastard. This girl was 24 when we started dating. Now she's 31. For a woman that's a big deal - she is that much less 'marketable' than she was before (although she still looks great). Feel like I have taken something away from her.

Did you kidnap her and lock her in your basement and feed her just once a day ?

Miles, get a grip man. This woman was a grown adult when she entered into a relationshsip with you. She had the power to choose to stay ot leave at any time.

Quit taking responsibility for HER choice to stay.

 

[Miles28]

Thanks guys, your advice really helps.

DJZulu, I think I will get to the same place as you at some point down the line. Just don't want to give in to the nostalgia and go running back, engagement ring in hand.

Kailex and Jophil - you're right, she could have walked away from the relationship at any time. My culpability stems from the fact that she was going on and on about marriage and on a couple of occasions, I did intimate that we could probably get engaged in a few months time. I regret doing it because she has used my 'promises', as she calls them, against me many many times. I was wrong to give her any sort of indication that I would consider marriage but: a) it was patently obvious to her that I was vehemently opposed to marriage because I told her many, many times, and b) on the occasions I relented slightly I was having to deal with significant external stressors (once when I was in hospital and once when I was practically having a breakdown because of work). So she caught me in a couple of 'needy' moments and it has haunted me ever since.

Anyway your replies really helped. I posted about this girl before a few months ago when we were on the verge of splitting up. I don't think I'll need to post about her again.

M

 

[Slickster]

I feel like a total bastard. This girl was 24 when we started dating. Now she's 31. For a woman that's a big deal - she is that much less 'marketable' than she was before (although she still looks great). Feel like I have taken something away from her.

Oh man don't feel bad about breaking up with her. You wouldn't be doing her any favours staying with her if you were truly unhappy either! That's even worse in my opinion.

7 years is a long time and there is bound to be some lingering feelings there.

It can be tough to break a heart and then just move on. If she meets someone else and is really happy where does that leave you? Are you going to be jealous? Or is it going to be some kind of relief for you?

 

[Miles28]

Slickster,

Both I guess but primarily I want her to be happy. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy with me because I know myself. I'm not ready to be married yet and it would show, through resentment and, I'm sure, straying on my part. As you say that wouldn't be doing her any favours. Which is why I can't imagine why any woman would want to coerce a man into marriage. 9 times out of 10 it will result in bitterness and unhappiness. I'm not against marriage at all but surely it should be something to be entered into only when BOTH people want it.

M

 

[countermart]

Mate,
First she will want to push you into marriage and then she will want a baby and then another one. You will end up with a wife, two kids, a large mortgage and a feeling of being trapped. Been there done that. If the marriage breaks up she will try to take you to the cleaners. Been there done that too.

I just had a year long relationship with a fantastic girl, but it ended because she wanted a baby. She tried the “you wasted a year of my life” thing too. But I made it clear three months in that if she wanted a baby I would understand if she went and found someone else. But she still stayed in the relationship despite this for another seven months.

It’s natural for a girl to want marriage and the next agenda babies, but believe me mate, “marriage is the tomb of love”.

I understand it is very, very hard to let them go, but I always think if it was just me she wanted we would still be together.

Move on, believe me I know it’s hard but sometimes splitting up with a girl is the best thing that ever happened to you....

Countermart

 

[Miles28]

Hey countermart, thanks man. Marriage is the tomb of love - I relly like that quote. You're also right about the baby thing. This girl is 31 now so it won't be long before that comes up and no way do I want a kid for a good few years.

Anyway this thread really helped me. I've been feeling a lot better about just moving on.