Can't get her out of my head!

[Telemear]

Hi everyone, I could really use some advice about a girl I HAD been seeing.

To summarise, I had been seeing a girl for around 6 weeks, everything was going great, we saw each other regularly, were sleeping together, she was buying me gifts and showing lots of affection. It felt like it was developing into a proper LTR and I was loving spending time with her.

Fast forward a few weeks and she started flaking on me. I initially ended up doing the AFC crap by sending her multiple sms or calling her a lot when she didn't answer her phone. Once I realised she was messing me around I decided to meet another girl which I found fairly promptly. Also decided to go NO CONTACT on her after reading some of the threads on this forum. That seemed to do the trick as she suddenly began to call me more and send txts.

Once I realised she was flaking my attitude was to put her to the back of my mind and focus on my life and enjoying myself regardless of her.....however I find myself constantly thinking about her. She still calls me saying how much she cares about me, misses me etc, but I've not seen her in nearly a month. I also deleted her number from my phone, thinking that would be symbolic and help me to move on, yet she still phones.

I am still seeing another girl, yet my mind is frequently on my flaking friend. I make no attempt to call or txt her, yet she will still contact me but won't arrange to meet up, just tells me she misses me and asks what I'm doing that night.

I suppose my 2 questions about this are:

Why can I not stop thinking about her considering it was a fairly short term thing and I'm currently seeing someone else?

What is up with her behaviour, why is she still contacting me saying she misses me etc but doesn't arrange anything?

I'd be very interesting to know if anyone has had a similar experience to this. I know I should just cut all contact from her completely but the AFC in me still wants to talk with her when she phones.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated guys, cheers in advance.

 

[katatonia]

Why can I not stop thinking about her considering it was a fairly short term thing and I'm currently seeing someone else?

Oneitis, perhaps.

What is up with her behaviour, why is she still contacting me saying she misses me etc but doesn't arrange anything?

She wants attention. Cut her off and stop replying to her stupid messages.

 

[giorgio]

Yea.. likes the attention. THATS what she misses. Who cares if she says she misses you? What does that do for YOU? Besides make you think about her?
Actions over words, my friend..
Remember, dont make someone a priority in YOUR life, when you're just an option in THEIRS.
You'll be ok, man. Just sit back, relax, and take care of you. Know what I mean?

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

Hi everyone, I could really use some advice about a girl I HAD been seeing.

To summarise, I had been seeing a girl for around 6 weeks, everything was going great, we saw each other regularly, were sleeping together, she was buying me gifts and showing lots of affection. It felt like it was developing into a proper LTR and I was loving spending time with her.

Fast forward a few weeks and she started flaking on me. I initially ended up doing the AFC crap by sending her multiple sms or calling her a lot when she didn't answer her phone. Once I realised she was messing me around I decided to meet another girl which I found fairly promptly. Also decided to go NO CONTACT on her after reading some of the threads on this forum. That seemed to do the trick as she suddenly began to call me more and send txts.

Once I realised she was flaking my attitude was to put her to the back of my mind and focus on my life and enjoying myself regardless of her.....however I find myself constantly thinking about her. She still calls me saying how much she cares about me, misses me etc, but I've not seen her in nearly a month. I also deleted her number from my phone, thinking that would be symbolic and help me to move on, yet she still phones.

I am still seeing another girl, yet my mind is frequently on my flaking friend. I make no attempt to call or txt her, yet she will still contact me but won't arrange to meet up, just tells me she misses me and asks what I'm doing that night.

I suppose my 2 questions about this are:

Why can I not stop thinking about her considering it was a fairly short term thing and I'm currently seeing someone else?

What is up with her behaviour, why is she still contacting me saying she misses me etc but doesn't arrange anything?

I'd be very interesting to know if anyone has had a similar experience to this. I know I should just cut all contact from her completely but the AFC in me still wants to talk with her when she phones.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated guys, cheers in advance.

She has a hold on you. We've all experienced girls like this. By a small investment of time, gifts, and vag she got you thinking in your head about an LTR. Actually, you did it to yourself is the correct way to look at it. She was manipulating you into feeling a bit too comfortable, way too fast, and you let yourself get sucked in.

She wants unlimited future attention for the small price she paid. That's why she's not trying to get together. She figures she has you "bagged and tagged" and you're now at her disposal whenever she wants attention.

Cut her off completely by settling this matter permanently. When she calls, say "this isn't working for me at all, i'm not interested in having you in my life in any way" when she starts babbling and trying to manuever calmly say "no means no, goodbye" and hang up. Do not say anything else. Write down what you are going to say when she phones you the next time and absolutely do not deviate from it. Those two sentences are extremely crystal clear and remember, when she ignores that and keeps contact it means that she DOES NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU AT ALL OR MEN IN GENERAL. It's not you, she wants to build a collection of chumps giving her attention.

In the future, if you start thinking about LTR keep distracting yourself with hobbies or hanging out with friends. You're constantly thinking about it because you didn't stop yourself from thinking more and more about it.

NC. Do not respond at all after that no matter what. Not even if she breaks out the big manipulative guns and cries on your answering machine about some crap about someone dying and only you can help her or whatever bullshait she comes up with If you do, this is exactly what will happen: She'll arrange for you to get together to get her hold back on. Then, she'll start flaking and this crap will happen all over again. What's worse is you've then shown you'll cave in and you'll be even more under her power.

I almost always advocate NC at all but in this specific case you need to settle this firmly in your mind that it's over. By saying ONLY those two sentences out loud to her you now have something to stick to. Also, when she objects, and tries to manipulate around your wishes, you'll know absolutely for sure she's not a good woman.

I hate to repeat this but it is critical. DO NOT CONTACT HER OR TALK TO HER AFTER THIS, NOT EVEN ONCE.

 

[horaholic]

Theres no pill to get a chick out of your head. All you can do is keep on moving foward. Do what TMG said. You need to finalize the fact that she's out of your life. If you have a conversation about your feelings, she will get inside you head and fill you with empty promises. This is why it might be better to text her a FIRM goodbye, and tell her to not contact you anymore. I've gone as far as having other girls answer my phone and threaten her to stop calling. Depending on what type of girls she is, this can be very effective.

 

[Telemear]

She has a hold on you. We've all experienced girls like this. By a small investment of time, gifts, and vag she got you thinking in your head about an LTR. Actually, you did it to yourself is the correct way to look at it. She was manipulating you into feeling a bit too comfortable, way too fast, and you let yourself get sucked in.

She wants unlimited future attention for the small price she paid. That's why she's not trying to get together. She figures she has you "bagged and tagged" and you're now at her disposal whenever she wants attention.

Cut her off completely by settling this matter permanently. When she calls, say "this isn't working for me at all, i'm not interested in having you in my life in any way" when she starts babbling and trying to manuever calmly say "no means no, goodbye" and hang up. Do not say anything else. Write down what you are going to say when she phones you the next time and absolutely do not deviate from it. Those two sentences are extremely crystal clear and remember, when she ignores that and keeps contact it means that she DOES NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU AT ALL OR MEN IN GENERAL. It's not you, she wants to build a collection of chumps giving her attention.

In the future, if you start thinking about LTR keep distracting yourself with hobbies or hanging out with friends. You're constantly thinking about it because you didn't stop yourself from thinking more and more about it.

NC. Do not respond at all after that no matter what. Not even if she breaks out the big manipulative guns and cries on your answering machine about some crap about someone dying and only you can help her or whatever bullshait she comes up with If you do, this is exactly what will happen: She'll arrange for you to get together to get her hold back on. Then, she'll start flaking and this crap will happen all over again. What's worse is you've then shown you'll cave in and you'll be even more under her power.

I almost always advocate NC at all but in this specific case you need to settle this firmly in your mind that it's over. By saying ONLY those two sentences out loud to her you now have something to stick to. Also, when she objects, and tries to manipulate around your wishes, you'll know absolutely for sure she's not a good woman.

I hate to repeat this but it is critical. DO NOT CONTACT HER OR TALK TO HER AFTER THIS, NOT EVEN ONCE.

Thanks for this, you are right in that I do need to settle this in my own mind. Ideally I'd like to meet with her just to understand what is going on and why she decided to start doing this as everything seemed to be going so well.

But I realise even if she did wanna start seeing me again and return to how it was before, I have lost a lot of respect for her and there's every chance she will continue with this behaviour in the future which would leave me in exactly the same position as I'm in now.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

Thanks for this, you are right in that I do need to settle this in my own mind. Ideally I'd like to meet with her just to understand what is going on and why she decided to start doing this as everything seemed to be going so well.

But I realise even if she did wanna start seeing me again and return to how it was before, I have lost a lot of respect for her and there's every chance she will continue with this behaviour in the future which would leave me in exactly the same position as I'm in now.

It's unanimous here. You need to cut her out of your life. It sucks now but time will heal it if you don't go back to meet/talk with her and just end up in more confusion and under more control. That's a promise.

You deserve to be treated better than a wind-up toy that only gets taken out of its box when the owner gets bored.

Try to keep that in mind. You sound like a good person who deserves more than that.

 

[hawk29]

I'm going to take the opposite approach and say 1. who cares if she's in your head. You have unresolved issues that you're working through. That's called growth and it's a good thing. Congrats on being human. And 2. in response to her messages, LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. And tell her about it. Make her eat her heart out. Make her want a BF like that. And do the same thing with your current girlfriend lol. Make them all eat their hearts out. Come on guys. We KNOW what women want. We know they want power, assertiveness, romance, chemistry. Why run from those wants when they're so easy and manufacturable.

I just don't get so much of this forum. So much running away from the problem. Step up. Let your mind work it out. Live a fantastic life. Let the chips fall.

 

[Telemear]

I'm going to take the opposite approach and say 1. who cares if she's in your head. You have unresolved issues that you're working through. That's called growth and it's a good thing. Congrats on being human. And 2. in response to her messages, LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. And tell her about it. Make her eat her heart out. Make her want a BF like that. And do the same thing with your current girlfriend lol. Make them all eat their hearts out. Come on guys. We KNOW what women want. We know they want power, assertiveness, romance, chemistry. Why run from those wants when they're so easy and manufacturable.

I just don't get so much of this forum. So much running away from the problem. Step up. Let your mind work it out. Live a fantastic life. Let the chips fall.

I'm certainly not running away from this problem, that is the problem! I have been investing too much emotional energy into her with little in return, which is why I chose to go no contact from which she started showing interest again.

However she's been consistently inconsistent and it could be a variety of reasons, she's got a new bf, just wants attention without commitment, only interested in a bit of fun. Believe me, I want more than anything to talk to her directly about this but her elusive behaviour just isn't making that possible which is why I take onboard the advice here to completely cut all contact with her after one final "goodbye get out of my life".

I agree with what you say about "live your best life" but doubt she even deserves to see that from me after her previous behaviour. Seeing as I cannot control her behaviour, the best thing to do is control mine.