Can you get her back if you're the one who made mistakes?
- Thread starter Oneday_
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sodbuster
Master Don Juan
One of my ex's decided to break up with me for a younger man. BUT when that isn't working out, she TRIED to make it sound like it was MY fault for this, a misunderstanding on THAT, etc. BUT NONE of it was HER fault.... You know, for thinking she could turn a man 25 years younger than I am into a man like me, except she could control HIM.
Guys I just broke NC
My ex lives an hour from me and I’m headed into the area to see someone tonight so I was tempted to text and I did:
Me: Hey I’m in the area tonight, are you busy?
Her: I’m sorry I have dinner plans
Me: that’s fine, figured I’d see what up since I’m near by. Keep in touch
Her: that’s cool
Was this bad on my part?
My ex lives an hour from me and I’m headed into the area to see someone tonight so I was tempted to text and I did:
Me: Hey I’m in the area tonight, are you busy?
Her: I’m sorry I have dinner plans
Me: that’s fine, figured I’d see what up since I’m near by. Keep in touch
Her: that’s cool
Was this bad on my part?
Mr_Maximus
Don Juan
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It looks like it.Oneday_ said:
I get the impression that she treated you like a king and you did not reciprocate. if this women has high self esteem, she will go find some one that will appreciate her.
VladPatton
Master Don Juan
You see how she shut you down?. You can't possibly feel good after that text, right? That's what we're trying to tell you here. Just let it go and don't contact her anymore. Anything you say will be seen as a pathetic attempt in her eyes which will get turned around and manipulated to make you feel like sh!t.Oneday_ said:
She probably had zero dinner plans, but said that to hurt you. Don't set yourself up. Delete her from every platform ASAP.
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
jc_80 nailed this. The rest is just the OP attempting to rationalize.jc_80 said:
Oneday_:
We have all been in your shoes. The girl who brought me to this site did the exact same thing to me that your chick did to you. You say this site isn't about relationships? It's ALL about relationships. You MUST get the fundamentals down before you can even think about relationships. You have to exit the brain-washed matrix you are living in. And do not deny you are, the AFC in your post leaks through clearly to all of us here who know how the sh*t works. Sorry if that sounds arrogant, but man, I see so much of me in what you posted. I genuinely want to help you.
In my situation, I had been out of the game for awhile due to moving to a new place and starting a new job, so when I finally met a girl who would have me, I felt on top of the world. She treated me well, we had a blast, sex was great, all of that, no matter what I did. Man.....we did everything together.
For 2 months.
Then she got distant, "needed space", all of that. I was dumbfounded. I mean, I wasn't doing anything different, what happened? The newness and excitement wore off. She started seeing me for what I was, a horrifically weak AFC (on the inside) who was already in love with her and ready to marry her and wipe her ass at the drop of a hat after 2 months. Jubilation started turning to disdain then outright disrespect. But she couldn't tell me no. She avoided phone calls, and started telling me that I treated her bad, said this or that, whatever. Man I begged and begged, told her I would change, geez it's embarrassing even typing this out. She always had an excuse. Was always busy. Didn't want to break up, but wanted to take "1,000 steps backward". I lapped it up and just thought this was my chance to earn her heart back.
Then I found out she was f*cking another guy.
At the end of the day, this is over. At best, if you go no-contact for a while, you may get one more shot to f*ck her. But it's over. Her respect for you is gone, her IL is low, and once that happens, she'll never get it back. SHE LEFT YOU, dude. Sure, you may have done a thing or two incorrectly as far as how you treated her, but she didn't even give you the time of day to work on it.
No, much more likely that you showed her your inner weakling (as we all have done), and she dropped you as soon as she found someone else. That's why I recommend you read the DJ Bible. It's found here.
I guess my problem is holding down a relationship.
I can generate dates fairly well. What's the key to keeping attraction going in a relationship?
I don't understand how some people I know who never once even read any attraction articles or joined sites like this can keep a woman and even get married. All my friends are in that boat. I feel like I should be at an advantage but maybe ignorance is bliss?
I can generate dates fairly well. What's the key to keeping attraction going in a relationship?
I don't understand how some people I know who never once even read any attraction articles or joined sites like this can keep a woman and even get married. All my friends are in that boat. I feel like I should be at an advantage but maybe ignorance is bliss?
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
Some guys are natural alphas, I cannot deny this. But I think if you look deeper, you'll see that many marriages that seem happy, are bad underneath. In a relationship, you cannot hide who you truly are. Maybe they kept them because they were naturally fun, had some type of status, whatever. There are many ways to simply keep a relationship going. On this site, we are attempting to do things the right way, the natural way, to build things on stone rather than sand. The divorce rate is 50%, women are wearing the pants in relationships, something is wrong with how relationships are viewed. Guys tend to react different ways, some by never marrying, etc. I personally believe in making men stronger and aware of the realities, thus everything else falls into place.Oneday_ said:
As far as you being at an advantage....well, you won't be until you internalize game principles and ultimately develop true confidence.
My friends are far from "alpha" and I've seen them be beta chumps when going through a break up in the past.
However I noticed the women they're with are ones that ultimately wanted marriage and one day kids. Possible they just took what they could get? Not that my friends aren't worth being in relationships but for one or more reasons they definitely don't act "alpha" one is so insecure he's a tad controlling and his fiancé doesn't seem to mind.
However I noticed the women they're with are ones that ultimately wanted marriage and one day kids. Possible they just took what they could get? Not that my friends aren't worth being in relationships but for one or more reasons they definitely don't act "alpha" one is so insecure he's a tad controlling and his fiancé doesn't seem to mind.
What exactly did you pick fights about and why? Did she text you good morning and you replied with a "what is your problem" text? Did she talk about a goal or accomplishment in her life and you said "why you always talkin when I'm tryin to watch porn". Did she make you breakfast and you said "why can't you stop over cooking the toast". Or did you sense something unjustly passive aggressive or distant about her and attempt to talk about it? If so, then why was she passive aggressive?
And how did the discussion go down about who pays? Did the waiter put the bill on the table and you pushed it toward her, or did she voluntarily take it? Why? Could you not afford the bill because you were fvcking up your life financially and not taking steps to better yourself? What are you doing with your life? I ask because you said you assumed you had a future together and then went into your belief that you took her for granted. Sounds like the real problem could be that you became complacent with everything. Women loathe a man who lacks progression and direction in his life. Sometimes when a woman guages a man's appreciation of her, it's not always about counting his acts of generosity and compliments. Sometimes she does it by assesing your commitment to bettering yourself. If you're not trying to better yourself, she'll feel that you don't think she's valuable enough to make an effort. A quality woman will hope that her love will inspire you to stay or become a quality man, not just a man who picks up the tab and kisses her a$$.
If you want to come out of this a better man, then you need to think about this on a deeper level. Just taking all the blame at surface level issues like picking fights and who picks up the tab more just isn't doing you good. There are more important things driving those issues. Maybe she wasn't motivating you because she's not the perfect girlfriend, and you're just experiencing withdrawals. Maybe you both have work to do on yourselves. Or maybe it's all you like you think. I don't know. But I'd really stop contacting her until you really understand what really happened between you two. And even if you do, honestly it sounds like a lost cause. She didn't want to see you when you texted her. She said she wants to see other men. She's getting an ego boost at your suffering. Cut that $hit out man. Work on yourself, not on her ego. The best chance of getting a woman back is to let go better yourself, for yourself, not for anyone else.
And how did the discussion go down about who pays? Did the waiter put the bill on the table and you pushed it toward her, or did she voluntarily take it? Why? Could you not afford the bill because you were fvcking up your life financially and not taking steps to better yourself? What are you doing with your life? I ask because you said you assumed you had a future together and then went into your belief that you took her for granted. Sounds like the real problem could be that you became complacent with everything. Women loathe a man who lacks progression and direction in his life. Sometimes when a woman guages a man's appreciation of her, it's not always about counting his acts of generosity and compliments. Sometimes she does it by assesing your commitment to bettering yourself. If you're not trying to better yourself, she'll feel that you don't think she's valuable enough to make an effort. A quality woman will hope that her love will inspire you to stay or become a quality man, not just a man who picks up the tab and kisses her a$$.
If you want to come out of this a better man, then you need to think about this on a deeper level. Just taking all the blame at surface level issues like picking fights and who picks up the tab more just isn't doing you good. There are more important things driving those issues. Maybe she wasn't motivating you because she's not the perfect girlfriend, and you're just experiencing withdrawals. Maybe you both have work to do on yourselves. Or maybe it's all you like you think. I don't know. But I'd really stop contacting her until you really understand what really happened between you two. And even if you do, honestly it sounds like a lost cause. She didn't want to see you when you texted her. She said she wants to see other men. She's getting an ego boost at your suffering. Cut that $hit out man. Work on yourself, not on her ego. The best chance of getting a woman back is to let go better yourself, for yourself, not for anyone else.
@jc
Awesome post man. The fights I picked were about her behavior, honestly in retrospect I didn't need to pick them I think I was scared that everything was going too good between us. I'm 99% sure now that I got spooked and felt I needed to justify my skepticism.
The bettering myself was in place, we had plans that I'd move in and I'd continue my progression/search for the job I really wanted in her area (as we live an hour apart)
She kept wanting me to move in and I said let's give it at least a year which I thought was reasonable since itd be a big leap for me. She had inherited a house and wanted me to part of the future with her in it.
The picking up the tab thing she'd always just throw down her card and pay, as she said it was on her since I made the drive. I agree it went too far and I should have known better to make it more 50/50
She has a family issue and I knew she was sensitive to arguments but like I said part of me was running off of fear that things seemed too good and I dove into them regardless. This I also explained to her after the fact but she was already stubborn in her decision.
Awesome post man. The fights I picked were about her behavior, honestly in retrospect I didn't need to pick them I think I was scared that everything was going too good between us. I'm 99% sure now that I got spooked and felt I needed to justify my skepticism.
The bettering myself was in place, we had plans that I'd move in and I'd continue my progression/search for the job I really wanted in her area (as we live an hour apart)
She kept wanting me to move in and I said let's give it at least a year which I thought was reasonable since itd be a big leap for me. She had inherited a house and wanted me to part of the future with her in it.
The picking up the tab thing she'd always just throw down her card and pay, as she said it was on her since I made the drive. I agree it went too far and I should have known better to make it more 50/50
She has a family issue and I knew she was sensitive to arguments but like I said part of me was running off of fear that things seemed too good and I dove into them regardless. This I also explained to her after the fact but she was already stubborn in her decision.
stevo
Master Don Juan
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You are forgetting we're talking about a woman.Social_Leper said:
It doesn't matter if OP paid for dates or not. That's not the main issue resulting to a split. There are women who foot major bills for a dude as long as he compensates in other areas (mostly seks, her emotinal state and has a handle over her).
This particular girl already has a guaranteed fcuk buddy before spilling on OP. He's just stretching out the scar by contacting her.
OP, you're right, this site focuses mostly on dates as opposed to LTRs but you have to remember, the same way you carry yourself during your dating stage is the same way you carry yourself in a relationship. This is where a lot of men lose it. They gradually become doormats for the girl.
In your case, your girl was convinced she could do better. Your only counter now is for you TO DO BETTER with your life.
Keep moving on.
I'm guessing you felt something was missing. Not enough of a foundation? On what level? Time, trust, connection?
Voicing your resistance to something you're not ready for is not picking a fight as long as you're not saying things like "quit nagging about it".
I'm guessing she felt you were future faking her, and she got tired of something not materializing.
If this was a fledgling relationship built on her rush to have a live-in boyfriend and she was pressuring you, then you've done nothing wrong by not moving in until you were ready. If this had been in the works for years and she was patient, then I could see her point of view. Nobody wants to be stuck in a relationship not going anywhere.
Again, you had a gut feeling something was wrong. That's a surface level statement. A deeper issue was at play.
Voicing your resistance to something you're not ready for is not picking a fight as long as you're not saying things like "quit nagging about it".
I'm guessing she felt you were future faking her, and she got tired of something not materializing.
If this was a fledgling relationship built on her rush to have a live-in boyfriend and she was pressuring you, then you've done nothing wrong by not moving in until you were ready. If this had been in the works for years and she was patient, then I could see her point of view. Nobody wants to be stuck in a relationship not going anywhere.
Again, you had a gut feeling something was wrong. That's a surface level statement. A deeper issue was at play.
She wanted me to move in 3 months into the relationship and she would compliment me saying I was everything she wanted, I'm perfect for her etc.jc_80 said:
I guess it was a little hard for me to swallow since it was so early on, so after her mentioning moving in for the billionth time I told her lets give it a year before I do.
My gut feeling was I didn't want to rush things and again I felt skeptical that the relationship could be that good, I was single by choice before her for about 5 years. I guess it caught me off guard?
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
Sounds like you have a boy crazy chick on your hands. It really is amazing how they can just jump from guy to guy and persuade them all to fall in love with her, like she's some trophy.
All this rationalizing you are doing about what you did wrong, JUST STOP. It's been done time and time again. You lost the frame and lowered her Interest Level. Bottom line. Her attraction towards you plummeted. Women will crawl naked across land mines and snakepits to f*ck a man they are truly attracted to. It wasn't concrete actions and singular events that made this happen....it's your behavior, body language, COVERT signals, etc.
Read the DJ Bible.
All this rationalizing you are doing about what you did wrong, JUST STOP. It's been done time and time again. You lost the frame and lowered her Interest Level. Bottom line. Her attraction towards you plummeted. Women will crawl naked across land mines and snakepits to f*ck a man they are truly attracted to. It wasn't concrete actions and singular events that made this happen....it's your behavior, body language, COVERT signals, etc.
Read the DJ Bible.
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
Give us more details. Need the circumstances, and be truthful. Can't help you if you are more interested in self-preservation. This is a tough love site.Oneday_ said:
How often did you see her?
Did you hang out with her friends or yours most often?
How was sex? (Not quality, but frequency, and any trends)
Did she have a lot of 'guy' friends?
Etc. Etc.
I see you keep avoiding reading the DJ Bible. Things will become more clear once you dive into that.
Because of the distance I'd stay weekends there. We'd keep in touch throughout the week via texts.speed dawg said:
We hung out mostly with her friends because I'd be up there. She did however meet my friends at one of their weddings.
Sex was great and according to her she never felt like she could let loose the way she did with me. She'd also say that she missed me if we didn't have sex. I could tell it made her feel wanted.
She did not have guy friends except for her female friends' husbands. They were all about doing things as a group.
In fact one thing she harped on was how important her friends were to her and low and behold 2/3 of them would mention my lack of "career" which she'd always say but I don't care about that because you make me happy. She was constantly telling me how happy I made her feel.
